I have a highly developed sense of taste and smell.

The faces at Fridays...





Yummies...







After 30 minutes...





On a different note....Y'all bettah hafta watch my latest flick. Twas tough work but fun.




Don't really know what my role was but, maybe you want to discover it yourself. Lemme know when you've finally figured what. This is nothing but a small favor. Sure you'll enjoy watching anyway. *wink*

Toodle-oo for now!

"After dis moment, I'll not think o'you evah again. But you, I'm certain, will think bawt mei everyday fow the res-a-yah life."

When a love relationship has to end after girl learned that guy cheated on her, girl would almost endlessly upbraid the guy. Would ask the guy to give back all that she had given him and would iterate every single good thing she'd done for him until he's gone. Some girls are like this and can even be vengeful. But, girls, have we even gave a thought at "what if it was the guy who was cheated on?" Check this out...

So, girls, know that if we can do it, they can do it, too. fwahaha

There are very few moments in life as good as this.

Thought about Dada Stoik, Bubblebum, Henio Sorao, Calbo and Archi PJ recently. How I missed them so much. It's been yearsss. Hope they're doing just fine and happy.

Twas Dada Stoik's B-Day last 14th. Wasn't able to greet him. Have not been in touch with him since the last time he called me back at my old place in Manila. Btw, he's my best friend for more than TEN years. Our friendship was something unbreakable. We were led to different directions when he started having relationships. Imagine?! Each girl he hooked up with wanted me out of his life! Just like that. But, maybe it's better this way than him having a hard time weighing who to side with when squabbles arise.

(I mentioned, "back at my old place..." yeah, I have finally moved to a new place after years of planning. TG. Hurray to me!)

Bubblebum, I heard from a reliable source, he already have two baby boys. I wonder why he never asked me to be a godmom to any of his sweet angels. BB ...we had been through a lot as well, just like my friendship with DS. I can remember we had been housemates for a few times for different reasons and situations. hehe Now, we don't even get to be in touch. Sad. *frowns*

Henio Sorao... It's like centuries since we last spoken to each other. Last time I saw him was at MRT station in Boni. That's way way back 2002(?). What I heard was he's 5100 ft away (in the Summer Capital of the Phils). He's a computer genius and coached me to play guitar.

Here's a lil twist ... good thing ... Calbo found a way to stay in touch. Thanks to the mobile phone technology. He's just somewhere north of Manila... in the city called the Cradle of the Katipunan working as SG. Said his job's demanding of time. Am guessing it'll take us very long to set a reunion. My fondest mem'ry of him was when he became my closest friend in college, though we were from different course and year level. It's dandy how he became coach for the college's Women's Basketball Team which I was part of. This helped jumpstart the foundation of our friendship. More trying situations tested our bond after college and am pretty sure he, just like me, will always remember all that we had to go through.

...and Archi PJ. He's now working in UAE. He's such a go-getter. I am most proud of him for being independent. He was a university scholar and at the same time was already earning and saving for himself. Practically sent himself to school, which was very impressive. We were somewhat close friends especially that he gave his best to be there for me whenever I was low. Thanks APJ.

As an INFJ, I stick with very few friends. So, somehow, it's a loss for me that we all have to go our own separate ways. Well, in life, we are given people to share our lives with. Then, one day, their roles in our life just have to end. Fact that we all should accept. *sigh*

NOTE: The persons I mentioned are real people. They're not just made up characters in cartoons just like how the monikers I gave them sound like. Nor they are maginary friends in my disoriented mind.

You know, I think I had a nightmare about this once...

Will there ever be a chance that scars will completely be gone? I don't really need any remembrance. Seriously.

06/10/08
“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”

"Hey, nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that except me!"

It's Odie's 30th birthday! Happy happy!!! (Although, I am terribly sick, I needed to take a moment to post this.)

Very short info: "Odie's first appearance in the comic strips was on August 8, 1978, which is considered his birthday. He celebrated his birthday only once in 1995."

My old sketch of Odie
Garfield describes Odie's species as "purebred clown"

I think my brother is Garfield in real life and Sissy or Rez would be Odie. Can't be certain, though, if he'd say the same line used for this post to defend any of the 2 dogs mentioned.

If I could have any job in the world I'd be a professional Cinderella.

While watching a flick just two nights ago, I recalled one (dunno if I should call it funny or weird or what) instance... I rather (better) not describe but, yeah... a guy approached me and asked, "what's your name? Mine is Paul." It's really nothing new. Am used to it... just, this guy showed no hesitation at all even I was with a male friend. His self-confidence was really something. Like 150%. Or even more.

...started casual talks and here's the kooky part. He started telling me how beautiful I am. That I look like a doll and all other nice adjectives he could think of. Then, out of nowhere said, "can I own you?" WHAAAATTTTTT?!!!!

You're like some kind of antidote - mixes with the liquor and keeps me in balance.

I don't mind walking long miles for as long as I'm walking with you. I may be scared but my fears are flushed away by this faith I have in you. You are the courage that gets me to the end of an ancient old foot bridge. It's frightening to get to the other end, but with you it's nothing but an easy feat.

.................................................

Crushie was at the fellowship last Sunday. How wonderful I saw his back. ONLY his back. *sticks out tongue*

Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.

Twas Dad's birthday last 23rd. That was 2 days ago now. No bash...just some pitch ins from me and my siblings. Didn't visit him. Just sent pizza and that's it. Not that I didn't want to. There's a reason why.

A couple of days before his day, I bought this nice card. I carefully chose it with a message that I truly meant to tell him. Dunno about you, guys, but always, I'd take time to choose greeting cards that have the message I sincerely want to tell the persons I give them to. What I gave dad has the words I longed to tell him. Finally, this time I was able to tell him.

With the card is a 2-page letter with other things I had to add -- my wishes for him and all the things I sincerely want him to know about how I feel about him. Even until now I still keep this hope that he will take my words seriously. Especially my request for him to start enjoying his life.

Am not sure but I believe I understand him better now. He has a different view of the world. Dad is very logical about things. He is very self-critical like myself. And I guess he is critical in judging people, too. This kinda repels him from mingling with others. Not to justify his ways but... who can blame him? The way I see it, so many people and events in his life made him cynical. He is very intuitive like myself and, perhaps, many proved his intuitions to be true. This could be the reason why he doesn't associate with others so much... to avoid more disappointments. I only wish I am not such a big disappointment for him.

I dunno how he took my letter. I love him and the bitterness that used to live inside me is continuously fading. And I am loving him more as I inch by inch understand him better.

Happy Birthday to Dad.

Dad thinks I am a good writer. *smiles* This is already a compliment I can consider. Especially coming from him.

Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed.

June 9, my agenda was to finally pay Ron a visit in the hospital. That afternoon, though, I received a mobile call from G telling me that Ron already had turned up his toes. I couldn't say anything else but, "seriously?!!" (with glaring eyes) ...but why would someone lie about something as serious as that?

Am still recalling the disbelief from the sound of my voice after G said the exact time -- 9:05am. Didn't even hear it clear enough so, I think I sent the wrong info to some (9:02am). It's indescribable how I felt at that moment. But sure it's dominantly unbelief...trying to keep the hope that I just might heard it wrong OR G might just have gotten the wrong info.

But, yes, Ron is already at rest.

The one thing that sooo disquiets me now is I didn't have the chance to visit him when he was still fighting for his life. Well, as if it's gonna help. I dunno whether it could be anything helpful or not. I just thought that giving him this idea that he is loved and many people care, could've brought him more strength. Thing is, I was not aware at all that his condition was that bad. He was admitted to the same hospital some years ago and I was able to visit him back then.

I was informed only after a month he's been in hospital. I was not even aware he's been there since June 4. That he's been in need of blood donors and been in and out of ICU.

Am no savior so, my presence might not be anything important. But, of course, as a friend wish I was there.

I remember what message he used to send me. Think he sent it more than a couple of times. Something with, "I live to suffer...". I hate that I didn't even bother asking him about this message, though I find it strange. Should've asked "why". Should've lent him an ear.

...his battle is over now. I rather want this for him than let him keep bearing the torturous pain. So, enough of my selfish rants. I wasn't able to visit ...I wasn't there to listen to whatever he might longed to share... and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Enough of the "should'ves". This is what's best for Ron.

Here's a song for you, Ron...

Oh we never know where life will take us
I know it's just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It's okay now
Goodbye my friend

I've seen a lot things that make me crazy
And I guess I held on to you
We could've run away and left well maybe
But it wasn't time and we both knew

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the love you gave me through all the years
Will take away these tears
I'm okay now
Goodbye my friend

Life's so fragile and love's so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we never know why

But I'm okay now
Goodbye my friend
You can go now
Goodbye my friend

I spend so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem that I forget what the problem actually was.

Yes, 'crushie' was there. *big smile* He didn't lead the music team, though. Think he attended the earlier fellowship. *sigh* But, well, I saw him...that is already enough.

Was very annoyed that same time. Maybe expecting from people is already too much (should I say 'it's nothing but vanity'?) and I have to put an end to it. Just of course, at times, am becoming so drained of initiating things all the time. Should everything has to be my sole responsibility? Dunno but I find it so wearing to keep everything to myself. But, whenever I lash out, it makes me feel sooo like a nagger. And it doesn't make me feel good about myself. Either way I end up being so irked. I don't like how it makes me feel. Whether I henpeck or put a cold war, none make me feel any better.

...and so I am working hard on controlling my attitude towards things that are annoying. It's an uphill crack, but, with GOD's help, am sure I can get through it.

Dwelling in negative emotions won't help, so I better move on and think of what might can improve the sitches I complain about. Hafta keep trying to show a smile no matter what and it could probably lift up my mood.

On a different note....

A friend, Ron J. is very sick. He's been in the ICU section of Makati Medical Center for some time now. Not sure for how long but he badly needs blood donors. Thanks to George for keeping me updated with what's happening to our friend. Oh, here...just checked G's email and found out that Ron's been confined since 4th of June.

Here's part of G's email:

He is still bedridden with respirator and about 10 tubes and needles stuck in different parts of his body. Several machines are attached to administer blood, monitor heart and pulse rates, and feed him properly.

Priority requirement is still blood. Type O Positive if possible. But any type will do since Blood Bank will just swap for Type O.

Ron J. is suffering from acute necrotizing pancreatitis and hemocratic pancreatitis, the worst forms of acute pancreatitis.

Every day is critical now. Doctors did not give Ron J this long and describe his continuous survival as a "miracle."

Ron J is in constant pain and has extreme difficulty breathing. Every breath is a struggle. He has about 10 tubes and needles stuck throughout his body to sustain him. It is like he is on life support. He is breathing through a respirator. He can only communicate with his eyes. Sometimes if he is strong enough he will write down his replies.

But he is still fighting on and both he and his dad are grateful for all the visitors and small gestures of support.

I don't have so many readers anymore but I am requesting that the little number who remains faithful reading my posts will help pray for our friend. He needs as many prayers as possible. This is just a portion of our time he needs, which might help ameliorate his condition. Please pray for Ron J.

The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide...

...so, I will strive to appreciate myself from this day on. My mind will always be tired, that's given. But, I will always try not to criticize myself unnecessarily.

Yey, it's Sunday! Wishing to see "crushie" later.




lonely crushie



Kinda feeling something weird but can't tell what. *scowling* Butterfly in my stomach... somewhat making me feel so agitated. Hope this is nothing about my intuition. *biting fingers* I just want to be happy, that's all. Can I have peace of mind even for a day?

guess I will just reiterate these Bible verses in my head...

Lamentations 3:19-30

Just thinking of my troubles and my lonely wandering makes me miserable. That's all I ever think about, and I am depressed. Then I remember something that fills me with hope. The LORD's kindness never fails! If he had not been merciful, we would have been destroyed. The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy each morning. Deep in my heart I say, "The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!" The LORD is kind to everyone who trusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for the LORD to save us. When we are young, it is good to struggle hard and to sit silently alone, if this is what the LORD intends. Being rubbed in the dirt can teach us a lesson; we can also learn from insults and hard knocks.

Philippians 4:6

Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.

Happy Sunday, all! Toodle-oo!

*sniff…deep breath* You cannot count on anyone except yourself.

...and the week is just about to end again. Didn't even notice how days have gone by so fast. Twas just Monday yesterday it seemed to me and now it's already Friday. Whoa! And it's "someone's" birthday today. Happy Birthday (I shall call him Dino-saur).

Tomorrow, another day and then... it's Sunday again! Will I see 'crushie' again? He was at the fellowship last Sunday and led the Music Team, in fact. *chuckles*

Been real busy lately. Problems come incessantly. Hope everything will be resolved before long. Happy weekend, all.

I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

We often get to be too occupied with so many things that we fail to notice other important things around. I am not an exemption to this. Have become a recluse over again, which made me somewhat oblivious to the present happenings outside my world. I do take time to update myself, yes, by watching the news and learning of what has taken place to "MV Princess of the Stars" after it capsized last June 22nd and how typhoon "Fengshen" (local code name Frank) devastated the country and all other countries it wreaked. So many things happen in a day.

These things I mentioned are big news. But there are silent news that only very few people know of. Like I received a mobile message from a former colleague telling me about another former colleague who was sent to Makati Medical Center and has to undergo operation. This was a few days back. Am sad that I can't find time to pay him a visit and check his condition. How many people know of this? The pain that he himself is experiencing and the pains of his loved ones.

Also recently, I found out that a former client's father had a heart attack and had to have open heart surgery (triple bypass)... these two add to the list of people I include in my prayers and prayer requests...

My cousin is suffering from bone marrow cancer. A friend is enduring a condition called Syringomyelia. A friend's colleague had to be sent to hospital after he suffered from extreme stomach pain. Same friend's colleague's husband also had a heart attack and still in hospital... and now, a very close friend...I found to be sick with Emphysema.

How many more people are suffering from some conditions? I have been consistently sick myself and yes, it's tough. I am sorry for myself that I have to withstand pains time and again. It's natural to focus on oneself. But, beyond ourselves, there are a lot more other individuals suffering from certain illnesses we are unaware of.

Aside from the BIGGER issues concerning the entire nation, there are smaller issues that need even small attention, as well. List of people who are sick and needing our prayers. Can we take a lil of our time to pray for them or are we going to continue being unmindful of what they have to go through thinking we have so many more important things to be concerned about?

Please help pray with me for all the people who need healing.

Nothing will hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience.

What I learned this past week:

1. When you're angry... 'tis never the right time to confront someone who's miffed you. Wait til you're all calm and ready to talk without having to bluster your choler out.

2. Making conclusions aggravates differences and misunderstandings.

3. You can't convince an angry person. Either the person will take everything you say against you or he will hate you more.

4. (truly) You can't please everyone. It's basically just about 'contentment'. Sadly, people don't just get satisfied unless the favor's always theirs.

5. It's hard to decide whether to open up OR to just stay quiet and keep your pains inside when you're sure you'll only be misunderstood.

6. People just have different opinion about the same topic. Each one will insist on their own point of view. No one can do anything about it.

7. What is true for me may not be true for you. And what is true for you may not be the truth for the person next to you... We all have different truths.

8. Communicating our feelings out can't always solve the problem.

9. There are people who are just easily steamed.

10. There is completely no point in explaining your side to someone who is NOT interested to even hear it, anyway.

It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

Father's day yesterday and I wasn't even able to greet dad and Mamai personally. Awww. Am I a bad daughter & grand daughter? I actually planned to send dad and Mamai something but, was totally swamped. Plus, Sunday is time for Church. Sorry. *frowns*

Well, isn't it evident yet how busy I have been? Since the start of June, this is the first blog posted. I dunno where my blog will go after a few months. Down the drain ... I hope not. Wishing so hard that my PR won't go zero. *crossed fingers*

Pastor Rico talked about dads (of course). He emphasized how important it is to honor and respect our dads no matter how they have been to us. Good or bad. Nobody's perfect and being bitter won't change anything. We all have to look past our dads' shortcomings.

He asked how many attendees still appreciate their fathers. I sincerely raised my hand. Dad has never been the father I always wanted to have. In fact, he has never been one but a critic to me. I lived most of my childhood life hearing his harsh comments. Like what I posted last year, never had he said a single praise about me.

But, I can sincerely say that I appreciate him for how I have become. Many things I owe to him and I truly understand why is he like that. Maybe, I can say this because I am now finally away from him. I'd often feel upset whenever my siblings grumble about him being like this and that, though. Especially when it's Mom telling me about him. But, my respect for him never changed. Am not sure why.

I guess my love for him remains in spite of all my bad memories of him. There are times I still blame him for my insecurities and lack of self-confidence. Whenever I see persons with great personality, I get envious. I could've been like them. Full of self-confidence and are able to walk in the middle of the crowd chin up. But, how can I? When all I had heard my entire younger years were criticisms ... From my own father.

Truth is, if I will list down all the good things and the bad things I experienced with dad, more will go under bad things. Very few will go under good. In fact, whenever I hear the word 'dad', all I remember is pain.

I can't really say am not upset anymore. But, what am sure of is, I love him and I respect him no matter what. And am still not losing hope that one day, he'd change and I can finally experience to have a real dad.

As someone once said, there's a difference between a failure and a fiasco.

...so, I was there. With very vague idea what character I was to portray. Was told to stand in line with the other cast. Twas pretty apparent everyone's already dead on their feet from the day long's work. "This can be an excuse for their impatience"...was what I had in mind.

The director asked for an assurance if we all can articulate the lines with character. That I was extremely skeptical about. Warned us that the lines to mem'rize are long. Made me reasonably diffident. I took courage and voiced my concern. The director looked to my direction and curtly examined me but didn't pay much attention to the concern I was raising. In stead, told me to flatten my tongue. Wasn't able to say anything more.

But, I knew I was just going to waste their time so, when it's about time to throw lines, I implored my case once more and explained how I wanted it so badly but I hafta acknowledge my weak point. Which, in fact, is for their own good. Like, they're all so exhausted and it's already past 12mn. I can't really blame them if they yank at me for my mistakes. This time, they finally understood.

As luck would have it, they liked me, that's for sure. And so, I was still given another role. One snag, though... had to wait long hours for my turn (and how I hate waiting). But, I didn't mind. Still, it's a blessing, right?

I knew what my job was; it was to go out and meet the people and love them.

Was in Dubai 14 hours ago. If you're gonna ask me how's it like there or about the weather or how nice it is there...save it. I won't be able to tell you anything. Twas not at all a vacation trip. I didn't tour around. Was there to do my first tele-series after a month of Sundays break from doing television shows. If you want to know of my reliving of the past being there and going back doing my craft, that, I can tell you.

Everything is still the same... Early and unexpected call time. Long hours wait. Scores of staff and crew strewn around the area. Stentorian and shrewish voices of the director and PAs. Legion of wishful talents hankering for a speaking role. Onlookers trying to have a peek at the celebs. These are just to name a few.

Almost got a regular stint only the speaking lines are not just for me. Not my native tongue and was so sure I'd only get yelled at screwing with the takes. Can never blame them if they'd scold at me and tell me nasty comments if this happens. I understand their fatigue. Working 22 hours is no joke so, I saved them from that hassle of extending another hours before calling a pack up. Of course, I feel a lil bad. Sure I will get a better role; but, who wouldn't be dismayed giving away an opportunity after acknowledging incapability?

Am still in but not with the character I should've portrayed. *sigh*

Still, am happy to be back. Will this be a continual thing for me this time around? This I have yet to find out. *daydreams*

Can't talk a lot today -- sick. Come back again and I will share more. See yah, all.

I really don't feel like becoming a lamp shade in some creepy apartment.

No, I didn't see him yesterday. If this is even the reason why you're back here. He wasn't anywhere in the fellowship. Another male vocal showed up. He's pretty good, yes. But, nothing compares to crushie. Oh well. Life's like that.

My life is so stressful. People have no idea what it's like being me.

It's Sunday tomorrow. Yey! Hoping to see crushie again. Saw him last Sunday *sniggers*. Why did I even forget to mention? *day dreams* He's still the same him -- cutie. Soon, I can probably finally share with all confidence the movie where he's the lead. Not now. Am still 'shy'. And I will beg everyone who visits my Green Room to buy DVD of that flick. You hafta!

On a different note...

Here's what I do when already so stressed. To relax a bit, I take a few hours off and watch any film. Just any. The last three films I've seen were "The Green Mile" (yeah I know...it's already an ancient film! So what?!), "The Superhero Movie" and "Meet the Spartans".

The last two were so hilarious. The first comedy film I mentioned (The Superhero Movie), well, it's like dumb and dumber (plus dumbest). That's about it. But, you'll surely cackle the entire one hour and 15 minutes run time. Haha. Spoof of a number of superhero films. Nothing so different from what we locally have here like Booba and Volta, except, everything's totally hilarious. Almost no time to pause and breathe. Nothing but a sidesplitting comedy. I dunno about you. Just see for yourselves.

Meet the Spartans is, yes, another very funny comedy flick which is a parody of 300. Love it and I really rolled in laughter except it has lotsa sexual and crass humor and some comic violence. That poor kid. awww. Poor Brit as well. Was mocked severely in this movie. But, well, if you're just looking for something to help you ease tension, then, go ahead. Suit yourself. *wink* A loud laugh can really release stress.

While, the rather serious film, "The Green Mile"... it's a 1999 movie stars Tom Hanks and "Duncan" someone (just click the link to the movie website). Heh. Sorry, can't really remember names. Yes, I know he's an award winning actor, but...just let me get away with this for now.

Love-it-a-lot. Why not? It's based on a novel by a well-renowned fiction horror author, Stephen King. This movie's not a horror movie, though. It's about the life of this prison officer on death row and his encounter with a falsely accused black man (a Gentle Giant about 8 ft) of raping and murdering two young girls. This black guy happened to have faith healing power and later touched the prison officer's life. It's, in fact, more than touching his life; the Gentle Giant kinda bestowed the gift to him. Am encouraging everyone who hasn't seen this film yet to watch it. It's really something. *winks*

Well, this all for now...no whining today. *big smile*

I think I've been asleep most of my life.

...Seriously, now! I mean, everything seems to be such a surprise to me. I always end up pondering about things that happen in a day -- everyday. Like... how gossip can result to tremendous injury to relationships and yet people won't give it up. Rumors do break up friendships. Haven't we realised this yet?

Gossip, it kills trust and faith. We injure our own souls by it. The yentas just don't realise how much trouble they are causing their own reputes more than the inconvenience they're causing the persons they're tattling about. Can't help but to tut-tut about it. *glaring eyes*

Don't we have anything more sensible to talk about? Like how we can live life to the full, maybe?

*sigh* Well, enough of my babbling... better if I just share this with you. Makes better sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO’S GOT YOUR TONGUE

It’s been estimated that a talkative person may speak 30,000 words a day! But the important question is, how do our words, whether many or few, affect others?

A Greek philosopher asked his servant to cook the best dish possible. The servant, who was very wise, prepared a dish of tongue, saying, “It’s the best of all dishes, for it reminds us that we may use our tongue to bless and express happiness, dispel sorrow, remove despair, and spread cheer.”

Later the servant was asked to cook the worst dish possible. Again, he prepared a dish of tongue, saying, “It’s the worst dish, for it reminds us that we may use our tongue to curse and break hearts, destroy reputations, create strife, and set families and nations at war.”

We don’t have to eat tongue to grasp that servant’s point. But we may have to “eat our own words” quite often before we learn to avoid saying things we’d like to retract.

Solomon wrote: “The tongue of the wise promotes health” (Proverbs 12:18). It affirms and encourages others. The key word in that verse isn’t tongue but WISE. The tongue is not in control, but the person behind it is.

If you want your tongue to build people up and not tear them down, ask God to make you wise.

- Joanie Yoder

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Darla, I hate your stinkin' guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. Love Alfalfa.

What I find most strange is this -- how a group of girls in a particular place (could be the entire locale or office or school) would treat a new girl in a rather mean way, in stead of giving the latter a nice and warm welcome.

Seen this analogous scenario on PBB last night. Looks very familiar and it's vicious. I find it very galling cause there shouldn't really be any problem if not for this capricious and manipulative group. What's more surprising is that they didn't (don't) see themselves as the root of the problem. They consider themselves guiltless with valid reasons to act the way they did. So, it's the new girl's fault, huh?! When they gather together and leave the girl behind with this question in mind, "what could be wrong with me?" "Why don't they like me?"

But, the new girl can't be self-pitying for an unknown reason. She's got better things to do than feel sorry that the girls don't like her. So, she goes on doing what she's there to do. And this aggravates the sitch even more -- annoying the mean group further. Like provoking a colony of bee to swarm you.

Just what is the problem with girls? I mean, I am a girl myself, yes. But, I had never made anyone feel as if they should be isolated from my group (I never had one, though). I mean, what's the point?

All of us have different impressions on a new person in the place. But, it's never for us to judge about the person's character especially not when we have no basis but our hidden insecurities. Are we just protecting our territory so we're doing every possible thing to hinder the new person to feel comfortable with the group? Afraid that he or she might become more popular than the rest of you? Or maybe, threatened that this new person will take your place and dominate the group. I have no idea but dogs are so like that.

In her book, the 27-year-old Simmons offers a plaintive definition of relational aggression: ''Unlike boys, who tend to bully acquaintances or strangers, girls frequently attack within tightly knit friendship networks, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to the victims. Within the hidden culture of aggression, girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists and knives. In this world, friendship is a weapon, and the sting of a shout pales in comparison to a day of someone's silence. There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning away.''

... ''Beneath a facade of female intimacy,'' she writes, ''lies a terrain traveled in secret, marked with anguish and nourished by silence.''

Sometimes when you open up to people, you let the bad in with the good.

This semi-long chat with someone, actually, answered some of my own questions. Yeah, it's really damn hard to give trust to just anyone. Really doesn't matter if this is a childhood friend...a new friend...a best friend you're sharing your (darkest) secrets with. Fact is, sooner or later, this person whom you trusted can still spill everything out. Regardless what motive. Even a very petty argument may lead to a kiss-and-tell act. Or, maybe not intentionally. It could be this typical drinking session scene -- everyone gets drunk and viola! There goes your story.

Trusting involves a great deal of preparedness. You have to understand the entire picture. That it's not just about you and you trusting. There's another person you are involving. And it doesn't matter whether this person makes a vow to never disclose your secret to anyone. We can't control what the other person will do. And, it's only vain to utter, "I trusted you" after this someone had relayed the story and the whole world already knows.

Who's to blame, really? This I can't answer, still. Nevertheless, I believe both have the responsibility. But, going back to the key "preparedness"... the one disclosing the secret to another should know that promises are made to be broken. (Ok, Let's just say 'mostly')... but not because you chose to trust, the other person will really be a friend. Or, at least, take the commitment to keep the secret to himself. No. It could be just like this line in the flick, "Horton Hears a Who?"...

"promise me to never tell anyone..."
"Ok. But, if we'd ever tell someone, will tell that someone to not tell anyone."
(not the actual wordings)

Yes, there are trustworthy people. Very scarce, however. They must be in the woods...hiding. My point is, one should only share his/her deepest secrets when he/she's really 'prepared'... Prepared to take the consequences. The outcome. "Will the other person really accept me after I tell all?" Or "will this person change the way he/she sees me?"

Everyone, I think, gets to the point of asking the same questions. And this might be what's stopping them from sharing their wrongs or mistakes to friends and loved ones. Such a dilemma, if you think of it. A really serious issue.

My opinion is, when there is no need to open up, then, don't. Who cares about your past, intfp? But, if this wrong or mistake involves a special person, then, that's another story. If this secret will surely hurt the other person once he/she finds out in the future...worse from another person and not from you... then, I believe there is a great need to sit with that someone and talk things over before it's too late. Confess and face the consequence. Either that or live with guilt. "Open rebuke is better than secret love."

None of us have the obligation to share all to friends or people close to us. This is our initiative. Could be out of need for someone to listen and so at least ease the burden a lil. We choose to trust with no one pointing a gun to our heads. It's a decision we make. Now, I strongly believe that, if someone confessed to me something wrong he had done to me in the past, I owe him something big. Because he took courage to tell me. And that's amazing. Honesty is another way of showing we truly love someone. But, if the secret doesn't concern me at all, I won't really mind. Although, am sure I'd appreciate the trust. Why would I give a fuzz? Unless, it directly involves me, of course. And maybe even it concerns me, if it's in the past, there's nothing that can be done to undo it. No other better response but accept.

People differ. Each one reacts differently from one sitch to another. So, careful thinking is very necessary if one is to open up some misstep in the past. First, is't necessary to tell this person? When I say, 'necessary', I mean...is there a bigger possibility that this someone will learn of the secret? Second, will this person understand? Third, can this person accept the truth? Lotsa considerations, actually.

There are too many mediocre things in life...and LOVE shouldn't be one of them.

Paper Tiger's soup kitchen was a success.

...and another answered prayer today ('yesterday' by the time this is posted) to share before I go to the details. I kinda uttered once before this day, 'how I wish the weather will not be too hot on the day of the planned SK'. If you all noticed, the weather has been a lil unbearable lately; but today, (at least in Manila) twas cloudy. It even drizzled just about the same time as I was doing the activity. God really is moving in ways we can only imagine. *sincere smile*

Twas a great feeling to see smiling faces as they receive blessings. To me, it's actually mixed emotion. Was filled with joy and at the same time moved by those kids' situations. They toil the entire day...walking around the streets and highways to sell "Sampaguita", cigarettes or wiping cloths to motorists... paying no attention to the sun's radiant heat. And if you just closely observe, these children are very young. At least most. Maybe around 5-10. They're in ragged, torn clothes and with growling tummies. Twas a pitiful sight.

We trekked Ortigas. It's the area where we usually see lotsa street kids. Only, afternoon is not the best time to look for them. It is during this time that they are scattered in different areas to get more customers so it kinda took us long to dispatch the goodies.

Our first child -- a cigarette vendor. Found him along EDSA under the flyover going to Greenhills. The red light gave us a good chance to hand the goodies to the small boy. He was already knocking at the window of the black F50 in front of us (to the right) when we called on him. He moved to our direction hesitatingly and was surprised to see the goodies being handed to him. The boy grabbed the food and said "thank you". He walked slowly away to the isle and sat to start with the food. At that time, I was really teary-eyed thinking the boy might already be starving and that chance of getting free food is already something.

Our first group (a group of boys) we found in the posh part of Ortigas Center. They were picking up bottles and steel metals. We parked shortly to give them goodies and left. I was moved when before we closed the car windows they said, "thank you" with so much sincerity. Tears collected around my eyes as I felt how they appreciate a simple act of generosity. And yeah...how evident that they haven't eaten anything yet when it's already way past lunch.

These are just the same scenarios the entire SK hours. Same... only becoming more intense emotions with each child. Particularly, this group of girls who also thought of their parents and siblings. I mean, they are already safe. They already have food. But, no, that's not enough. If they are going to eat, their siblings and parents are also going to eat. Proof that there's really good in everyone.

Twas a wonderful feeling to be a part of a few peoples' lives. Even for just a few seconds. What's more fulfilling is to see the smiles on their faces. Like telling you, 'you answered one of our present needs'. It's addictive. It won't stop today. There is going to be a series of this event. This is a gift I give myself. And there is joy in my heart.

Can one man make a difference? There are days when I believe, and others when I have lost all faith.

Today will be another fulfillment of one of my many heart's desires. I will go out in the streets and reach out to the less privileged by doing soup kitchen. Somehow, I hope to touch their lives in my own humble way. I hope to make even a lil difference in their lives.

This is a gift I am giving myself. They say, "you give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give..." I have no idea how to give of myself. I don't think I am selfless enough to begin sharing that kind of love. So, for now, I think lil sacrifices will do. Like, staying under the radiant heat of the sun, sweating my underarm, burning my skin and yet still show a sincere smile.

Shh! I told you to be quiet! Even me. Who's still talking? Oh wait, that's me.

Am trying to be as calm as I can be. It's extremely difficult not to be affected. Because I am. Am trying real hard not to say a single thing about the way I am feeling now, but the more I try, the more I am threatened to explode. I will. Eventually, maybe.

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I hope people would stop accusing another for being this and that only because they are judging themselves. Not because this is what you will do in a certain sitch, it's also what I am going to do in a similar sitch. I am I... and you are you. There will never be a chance that I will ever be you or like you.

.........................................................

Why until now these things are still such a big surprise to me?! Haven't I seen these all before? No, because I used to live in a bubble. And I'd prefer to stay in my bubble.

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Just guess which line is not from a movie...

You run out into the night to find another face, and another, and another

Guess what?! I kinda thought I probably might be the living character that is "Lars" in the movie, "Lars and the Real Girl". Just we have only one thing in common (which is not totally common) -- we care for non-living things. Him, his Bianca. Mine, my Teddie. What made a lil difference, though, is that he considered "Bianca" alive just like everyone else. While, I never thought Teddie was alive at all.

Whatever concern I have for Teddie is because he's my possession. And I care so much for my belongings. And Lars, well, he had so much emotional baggage he's been carrying most of his life that it became too difficult for him to accept life as it is along with the many wonderful things in it.

I did sound like I have too many emotional baggages in my older posts, yes. I won't even deny that I am actually thinking, maybe, I do have so many emotional baggages that I can't anymore freely and completely give my trust (to people like how I used to), but, it didn't reach the point that I became an anti-social. At least in a way I understand its definition. Well, I used to be a loner. Is that already considered an anti-social?

But, isn't it always nice to feel accepted and cared for? I think that's the only time we can truly feel at ease with the world. When people stop doing bad and hurtful things to one another and in stead show them how much we are involved in another person's life. Have we never thought we might already be too wrapped up in our own selves? It's probably time to look around and tap another's back.

You gave me my first glimpse of a real life. Then you asked me to go on with the false one. No one can endure that.

I know it's been a while. And I was actually thinking most of you have grown tired checking if there's any new post in My Green Room, and evidently, a bigger number lost hope that I'd ever go back writing anything (even the most ridiculous piece a blogger can ever write about).

I am so sorry if I had to be away. Been real busy the past months working on my newest film.

...and if you're not convinced and you think I have done some serious offense to the blogging world... here and take a look at the movie poster. It's my pleasure to show you.

Is this proof enough?

It's such a bad way to do a comeback, I know. Using my blog and its influence to promote my movie... But, I still hope that my fans out there would still support me no matter what.

No, this is not an offshoot of April Fools. I just thought it's better to make fun of what I had to go through in stead of whining (which I actually did the past 2 months... Guess I just got sick'n tired of doing the same).

Well, here, am back blogging. *big smile*

I need some kind of proof, some kind of verifiable, empirical data.

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened that we just can't.

Excuse me. I guess you didn't recognize me. I've been traveling, and I'm all schlumpy.

My previous post may mean different things to whoever reads it. Some would think am complaining (and it did sound like that). Some would think I deliberately choose to disregard important people in my life. Some would take it as if am self-pitying. Some others may just consider this another blah blah from the sentimental me.

Maybe, I was whining (a lil). Because I work like there's no tomorrow out of concern for some people. Believe me I won't even lift a finger if only to earn wealth for myself. I rather just waste away time counting lizards on the walls. Am that laid back. But, this vision. This prevailing desire within me. It just tells me to go on. Not that I am asking everyone to worship me for my sublime ambition. But, just like a small kid, I am yearning for some appreciation.

...and, NO. Never my intention to ignore (most especially) the very significant persons in my life. Tis such a crime to do. Tis like taking off a crucial part of my system and leave myself to die. Suicide.

It seems to me, though, that I tend to feel responsible for everything. I leave this vision a short moment and I fail everyone. This is just how it is. Nothing else.

Self-pitying. Yes. Because am too weak to protect myself and yet I strive to protect a whole bunch. Am exhausted.

Another blah blah. Maybe. But, I have to post this for the need to be understood.

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Sneaked out yesterday before lunch to see my Aunt (and one client sent a message minutes after. Great timing!) Twas wonderful to see her. Eight months to wait before I get to see her again. By then, I hope I have already learned the word 'balance'.

Just conversed about trivial things the entire 4hours. Made fun of 'Nanay' (her mom) all throughout the time. Granny can't remember me anymore. She kept asking who my mom is and what does she do. Twas an awkward moment for me. Somehow, I was blaming myself for not being able to visit them as often. But hey, she can't remember Mom either. To think Mom's visiting them everyday.

That was rather weird a feeling. Thought the characters in telenovelas were over reacting when they cried about a family member who had amnesia and can't recognize anyone. I felt like crying, too, when Nanay can't remember me. And until I left late afternoon she still couldn't remember who I am.

We just joked about how I completely don't look like their kin. Which is so true. Somehow, I felt a lil relieved. Plus considering the fact that she has Alzheimer's.

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Reached home early evening very ill. So dizzy, I just threw myself on the sofa and took a nap. Been sick for the most days of the month. Can't imagine how I will survive summer. *sigh*

(am supposed to post photos of my rashes on the arms and legs but am too lazy to work on them now. maybe next time. am so sure nobody's interested to take a look at them, anyway. red, itchy rashes!)

At this very moment, my head's heavy and in pain. Rashes had disappeared and no more itch. Yey! But, body pain is so insufferable. I move like a sloth. Hope to feel better soon.

I'm supposed to do everything for the colony? What about my needs?

Today, Aunt E will be flying back to The Greens. Never even had the chance to visit her and spend time with her. What really matters most, in the first place? Am trying to weigh whether or not my move was right or would it only cause me another heartbreak?

TPDL says, "time is the most precious gift because you can only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time."

...and yes. I won't ever stop quoting this. It moved me big time, though it's hard to just put learnings to actions sometimes.

By not spending time with her and, in stead, spending time with more people I intend to help...does it mean I love her less? Her vs. people I don't really know. Never even met. And I chose to stick with the latter. Silly how I always end up giving greatest importance to those who rather cause me pain. Though, I know they can never love me back. While there's my aunt who has always loved me...

Am I not giving off myself too much to those who have no real concern for me at all? Who can't appreciate a single sacrifice I do and still willing to do. Is't self-less? Or is't another wrong decision?

Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

Here is just what it is. How stereotypical that people misreckon another's motive, in fact, explicitly basing things on how they themselves (with ax to grind) would act or react had they been in the same situation. Fancy how it's such a vicious habit to give in to one's conceit. And actually believe theirs have the purest intents. While all others are plainly tall story. Worse, how vile the words they spread just to gain favor.

And here's more. How some people can slylessly malign another instinctively beyond one's shrewdness. And how with so much ease they can just put a mask on and face their easy picking as if nothing happened and 'surprisingly' with a pretentious but very pleasant smile.

Simply wicked.

“I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to.”

Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.

Nothing else. No other reason. Just you are &%#$ sure your intentions are good yet it's bad what they rather see. So true you can't please everyone. In my case, I can't seem to please anyone at all. Why the heck should I care, anyway? Am so drained. Disoriented.