The worst part is that I am aware it’s irrational and
often inexplicable. But, annoyingly, though, knowing that gives no aid
whatsoever. It only deepens further what this feeling might be. I don’t
want to call it depression. Anxiety, maybe? I just feel more frustrated
as I reason with myself and insist that “this is irrational”. But, how
come I can’t stop it? It seems I can’t. Like I’ve lost control of my
mind even I am sure it’s functioning properly. It IS RATIONAL. A part of
me is not.
Memories keep resurfacing, tormenting me into
unbelievably profound gloom. I often can’t bring myself to move. And, I
curl in a fetal position as each memory plays out. It’s just so hard to
function.
More frequently, I get to have this feeling like someone is gripping my heart. Twisting it. Makes it feel like it’s hard to breathe. And, I force shut my eyes tightly against another memory that threatens to emerge.
It’s hard to fight. But, I am left with no
other option. So, I deny the urge to wallow in grief. I can’t let misery
consume me whole. But, it’s as though, everything conspires to pull me
further down. That I am forced to fight harder.
God has been my comfort. He lifts me up. I receive unconditional love. I am strengthened. Even inch by inch.
I need to keep reminding myself that I am not to live according to the flesh, especially, NOT when it is harming me. I must not believe the lies. The voice that tells me there is no more reason to go on. That it’s better to stop living. It is quite convincing when you’re just so down and low. But, it is the time I ought to fight harder and to choose to believe the Truth. Only the Truth.
And, in this struggle, I
stumble upon things that make me see how there is so much out there to
do. To see. To experience. To learn. I can’t keep confining myself into
this tiny world I am in. And more that I ought not to confine myself
into this short episode. This one devastating event.
I hope to find meaning in this. I hope to contribute to the world through this.
I
have a Facebook account that was dormant for a long while which I recently made
active. There’s where I let strangers in. And, I also started making use
of the public page I accidentally created months ago. They are both
keeping me busy. My YouTube channel has been silent for a while, as
well. So, I thought it would help me if I rather keep myself busy coming
up with contents for vlog. I guess this is how I should follow my own
advice. That instead of focusing on my hurts, I should rather use my
time and energy on reaching out to people and letting people reach out
to me.
So, friends... you who are reading this, it would be such a huge help if you visit my new cyber space and my YouTube channel. Journey with me. See you there.
