I turn my daily struggles into extraordinary moments.

The worst part is that I am aware it’s irrational and often inexplicable. Annoyingly though, knowing that gives no aid whatsoever. It only deepens further what this feeling might be. I don’t want to call it depression. Anxiety, maybe? I just feel more frustrated as I reason with myself and insist that “this is irrational”. But, how come I can’t stop it? It seems I can’t. Like I’ve lost control of my mind even I am sure it’s functioning properly. It IS RATIONAL. A part of me is not.

Memories keep resurfacing, tormenting me into unbelievably profound gloom. I often can’t bring myself to move. And, I curl in a fetal position as each memory plays out. It’s just so hard to function.

More frequently, I get to have this feeling like someone is gripping my heart. Twisting it. Makes it feel like it’s hard to breathe. And, I force shut my eyes tightly against another memory that threatens to emerge.

It’s hard to fight. But, I am left with no other option. So, I deny the urge to wallow in grief. I can’t let misery consume me whole. But, it’s as though, everything conspires to pull me further down. That I am forced to fight harder.

God has been my comfort. He lifts me up. I receive unconditional love. I am strengthened. Even inch by inch.

I need to keep reminding myself that I am not to live according to the flesh, especially, NOT when it is harming me. I must not believe the lies. The voice that tells me there is no more reason to go on. That it’s better to stop living. It is quite convincing when you’re just so down and low. But, it is the time I ought to fight harder and to choose to believe the Truth. Only the Truth.

And, in this struggle, I stumble upon things that make me see how there is so much out there to do. To see. To experience. To learn. I can’t keep confining myself into this tiny world I am in. And more that I ought not to confine myself into this short episode. This one devastating event. 

I hope to find meaning in this. I hope to contribute to the world through this.

I have a Facebook account that was dormant for a long while which I recently made active. There’s where I let strangers in. And, I also started making use of the public page I accidentally created months ago. They are both keeping me busy. My YouTube channel has been silent for a while, as well. So, I thought it would help me if I rather keep myself busy coming up with contents for vlog. I guess this is how I should follow my own advice. That instead of focusing on my hurts, I should rather use my time and energy on reaching out to people and letting people reach out to me.

So, friends... you who are reading this, it would be such a huge help if you visit my new cyber space and my YouTube channel. Journey with me. See you there.

 

My resolve

Truth is, there's only one thing to do first to get over anything that weighs you down. That is... to decide that you are going to! 

People may wish there's some magic. Instant transport to the next episode, to the next place. I hate to disappoint but how everything starts is... with a decision to move forward. And, then commit to it.

So, I decide everyday to force myself out of bed even my body feels like glued to it. I drag myself to get ready for work and to be focused on what needs to be done. Everything I will ever do every today is to make a decision. A decision that promotes my welfare and not what destroys it.

Yeah, doing so can’t readily set me free from sorrow and grief... but it sure is a step in the right direction. I am sane enough to understand that I can't do God’s part, and He won’t do mine. He can’t make that decision for me, because only I can make that decision for myself. I am my own responsibility. He made me a steward of my body. "Deny self" when it leads me to destruction.

Somewhere deep down inside of me, I believe that once I have made that decision, God can and will help me with the rest. Just as He has done many times in the past. He is faithful. He will always be. His grace is sufficient for me in every today.