This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.

Enough of the sad blogs for now.

I've been meaning to share with everyone the image of my office desktop. Took a screen shot of it a couple of weeks ago. It's so gurly and PINK! haha...

Been OC adorning my workstation computer. It kept me busy one day. Yes. Done everything in one day. Am proud of myself cause am not a techie person. Well, it's really not something so techie...but...still! *grins*

Yes, I love Bratz so much. No particular character, though. So, don't ask me. Love all of them!!! Stylish, posh and colorful?!!! fwahahaha whatever!

Here is a screen shot of my desktop below...

Hate that the pink window doesn't show...only the task bar... But who could guess it's desktop, right?! hehe

Am planning to install Linux on my home PC so I could enjoy pink at home too. Sadly, according to Binkie, there's not enough space for Linux anymore. Awwww *sigh*

Compare my desktop at home... There's nothing but a cute dog. Love it too, don't get me wrong. But what's so gurly about a dog?

Hope Microsoft will do something about this. I mean, people like me who loves putting color into everything...I think MS has forgotten about us. Am just enjoying pink windows at home because of FireFox. And thanks to Xiaxue for sharing with us Pink Paula. Yehey!

Now, my windows don't look so boring anymore...with just blue or gray border! duh! Thanks FireFox!!! Keep up the good work and satisfy more OC people.

Home Desktop

Check the window!!! Yipee!

PINK!!!!

I only wish you can see (read) the captions...grrr

FireFox also made it possible to open several tabs in one window. So task bar won't have to hold too many tabs. Nice work.

There's also quicknote, a wide selection of themes, tab mix plus, foxy proxy, and many other useful add ons. What more can I ask?

Am wondering how come MS remains old fashioned. Come on now...we need something new. Something innovative! We can't stand silver and blue anymore!!! *sobs real loud*

Later will add screen shots of my office window...Everything's pink. Even the task bar. So, how I love Linux (Suse)!

Here's another image...It's my protopage. Hehehe...

Cutie, huh?!

Don't I love pink so much?!!!

Oh, you can actually see the pink window from the image above. hehehe ...but will still show you what I am talking about. Will add more screen shots.

Like with Linux, you can make everything PINK...or any color you like. The menu, task bar, g-Edit window, Amarok, Konqueror...virtually everything!

For now, I guess I will just have to enjoy pink window. Soon, I will have everything pink, too. Pink monitor, keyboard, mouse and CPU case! *big smile*


Note: Pink is not really my favorite color. I have no favorite color but it looks cute, right?!

Don't quote me.

Yes, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. I am. And that gives me all the right to express them here in my green room. Should anyone has any violent reaction, I will respect it. Just as I am expecting people to respect mine.

Anyone can just talk about his or her personal opinion about an observation or a situation. Yes. That is already given. But, come on, being overly opinionated, I guess, is way overboard.

What do I mean by “being overly opinionated”? Well, I chose the term to mean, expressing an opinion without the capacity to perform a suggested action which was thought to be helpful in solving a problem. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes, I get to be a lil insistent myself, too.

My point is, one must not talk as if with complete certainty unless they are themselves capable of proving something is truly workable. Or at least, they have based their opinion from a previous experience. Opinion requires credibility.

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“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

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I hope not many people are guilty of this. Because really, it sucks to hear people say things without them meaning it. We throw judgment on a particular episode. Something that we know nothing of. We go to a party and an unexpected thing happens. We just go and talk blahs! Why? Because we always think we know better.

Lemme remind everyone that one solution which worked for you may not work for me…may not work for the person next to you…may not work for everybody else in the room with you. So do not think that your idea is that brilliant!

Who knows your suggestion have already been thought of and considered before you even thought of it? Because truth of the matter is, each one of us is a thinking person. Each one of us has our own set of solutions enumerated in our heads. Thing is, not everything is as simple as it may seem.

So, if what you are about to say will do nothing good but in stead make other people feel bad about themselves, it’s better to keep your opinion to yourself. There is a better way to do constructive criticism. And definitely, it is not by sharing your own mindless, insensitive and unproven opinion. So save it.

I'm lonely and I'm too tired to talk

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you. And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

Maybe I do. If this ever happens, whoever wronged me had seriously wronged me (big time). Because I am not the type of person who gets easily angered. It takes a very distressing offense before something or someone makes me furious.

I admit, I am very emotional, yes. But unless you wound me by the core, I won't mind you. But expect that I will become noticeably aloof. This is to protect myself from getting deeply hurt. Because, there's a tendency for me to instantly trust with all my heart.

...and I can forgive like nothing happened. I'd disregard any wrong done to me for as long as I trust the person. To a point that I'd just condone someone's shortcomings.

All these have grieved me.

I blame another's cruelty on myself. Critically, I'd scrutinize my own judgment and actions. Is this still not enough?

Clearly, something had made me bitter. Whoever you are....YOU know how you've left a few scars on the walls of my already battered heart.

...but surprisingly, I have forgiven you. No matter how undeserving you are. Somehow, I hate that I still care. In the same way I used to care about you some time ago. Sadly, your personal issues have really made you worse.

Guess, I just have to pity you, in stead.

"...nice but seems removed..."

Lately, because I have been very stressed and wounded... I kept myself shut from the world.

Somehow, it felt like I can't understand myself anymore. The "me" has become someone I have never met in my entire life.

This led me to review my personality type -- INFJ. And somehow, I understood myself better, but not necessarily entirely. It helped but there's still a need to work on a lotta things.

...and I know it's not only me who felt that I suddenly started acting like a different person. Those who sincerely care about (for) me have felt the same strangeness in the way I deal with them. Somehow, it made me feel bad.

...and so I want them to at least understand me ...without questions.

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A common complaint about the INFJ female is that she is "nice but seems removed." ...People feel this about her even though they would admit that in fact she's always there when needed, quietly dependable, steady. Female INFJs must work hard to be understood and may find themselves being taken for granted because of their own failure to make their needs known. Consequently, when they do express their needs, it seems out of character and can lead to general disbelief, which, of course, is frustrating to the female INFJ.

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Yes, I do feel exactly this way. And if only I can carry a sign board hanging on my neck (all the time) that says, "Please Understand Me..." I'd do it. But of course, I'd look so like a &$#%@! hahaha Just fill in the missing word (or words).

How true that I blame myself for problems I did not even create! Can be so frustrating at times...

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more about INFJ...

...you look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate you and hang with them....you're gentle and don't like violence... you don't call a lot of attention to yourself... you like to let your accomplishments do your talking... you don't like the "politics" at work.. you'd rather be able to talk honestly with people than "play games."

Leisure time usually is solitary or involves the company of others particularly important to you...you're perfectly happy just sitting around with close buds discussing feelings...you'd rather have longstanding friends than make many new acquaintances... these deep friendships are important to you, even though you may not share much about yourself...

When you're scorned, you take it personally and retreat inward...you may obsess about the relationship and your role in the failure...you blame yourself for a failed relationship and might even need a period of mourning.

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I do remember how when scolded at or treated wrongly, I'd just retreat to my own world. I'd start thinking "what the hell did I do to deserve that kind of treatment?" Would not stop evaluating my deeds and actions....my words even.

...(but) just like what Binkie would tell me (like almost every time)... I will just forgive them in no time. Like nothing happened!

No effort needed. All of a sudden I'd just resolve to putting the blame on myself and forget about the cruelty done to me. blah! blah! blah!

...and I'd just let those *#@^#$%@ get away with their wrongdoings... then the cycle will just go on and on and on... like endless.

(AGAIN)...and I think I've reiterated this several times ALREADY... I don't like attention! So, please if you even want to become popular, GOSSIP about yourselves in stead!

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...and sommore...

They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

They never push people away and are always prepared to listen for as long as it takes to make others feel better, even if they theoretically have better things to do. INFjs are always ready to help friends in difficult life situations. They care not with words but with real actions.

INFjs do not really make good cheats or frauds. This however, does not stop them from trying sometimes. And even if they do, they are likely to feel pretty bad about themselves afterwards. This gives INFjs a reputation as naive and impractical people.

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...which is oh sooo true! Nuf said!

...and because I want you to understand me, might as well post my negative tendencies when in great stress, pain and whatever!

Not that I can't handle troubles...but I just become too overwhelmed by emotions...

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My very negative attitudes when overly wounded...

* May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others
* May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it
* May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others
* May be intolerant of weaknesses in others
* May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture
* May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others
* May have an intense and quick temper
* May be tense, wound up and find it difficult to relax
* May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people
* May be wishy-washy and unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making
* May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others
* May see so many tangents everywhere that they can't stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture

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Just copied this from personality type page. And I have to agree I can be like this when so in pain. I didn't include a few lines that never happened to me yet FYI. (in case you check the link)

Funny because I was actually reading something that is sooo ME. Almost couldn't believe it. But it feels good cause I have discovered some important details about myself.

If you want to understand yourself too...esp those who have been in constant search for answers...maybe you just have to get acquainted with yourself...try this!

Note: Just felt like blogging ...but without a clear idea what to write about. So, just learn about me for now.

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!

Lesson for the day. No truth about customers being ALWAYS right. This is just what we (as customers) want to believe in. But definitely NOT if we're behind that counter.

There was no taxi service scarcity today. The service reached my place exactly on time. Only I was not yet done preparing. Which only means the driver had to wait (as usual).



Hippo needed to remind me to hurry. I hate each time he does that. Am such a sloth and I CANNOT move any faster than 15 feet per minute! Blah! Of course this is another stretching of the truth. Haha

...anyway...

Finally, I was out. The cab door was opened for me and so I got in. The driver asked for the destination and I politely answered.

The man was old, a little bald with some white hair showing from beneath his red baseball cap. Not the ordinary looking Filipino driver, I must say. Exactly how Hippo described him to me. He's more of Spanish descent. Mestizo and reddish. Even thought he could be the owner of 24/7 taxi service posing as a driver for whatever reasons! Nah! Another wild imagination.

Going back... we had a very short conversation, which went like this...

_____________________________________________

Mestizo Driver: Where are we heading?

~ Paper tiger ~: To Shell Maya

Mestizo Driver: Right at Shell Maya, is't?

~ Paper tiger ~: No. After Shell Maya, a few buildings after... at Telecoms Plaza.

Meztizo Driver: Just along Buendia...

~ Paper Tiger ~: Yes. Buendia, that is.

Mestizo Driver: Ok, (imperative tone) You're late. 10 minutes.

~ Paper Tiger ~: *blank*

_____________________________________________

long silence...

He like slapped into my face how I make taxi drivers wait! (of course not literally) No matter how short the wait, it doesn't matter. TIME is precious.

Yes, I am paying them. I pay extra 50 PhP for the pick up plus the fare from my place to office (measured by a meter), which runs from 89 PhP to 102 PhP. Most often than not, I give extra 20 PhP for tip. This is out of the question, though. Because, in real sense, I definitely have to pay for their good service, right?

What I feel guilty about is I am (have been) taking their precious time (no matter how brief) from them. It could only be just 5 minutes, 10 minutes, yes...what is 5 minutes anyway?

...but time is something that cannot be returned when lost (or wasted). It cannot tick backwards. It doesn't have undo button. Every second passed is already history.

When I was applying for a job for the first time, I experienced having to wait for hours. I didn't like it. I so DETEST it! For me, no one has the right to take so much of my time because it's MINE. They can waste all their time all they want but I would never allow them to make me wait like that AGAIN. Not because I am the one applying or for the lack of better term, asking for something (job that is), I should be so humble and let them just take away every minute of my time.

I recalled all this during my entire trip to office (which just took only about 45 minutes...imagine?!!!). Was reminded of the GOLDEN RULE. I hate when people make me wait. So, why am I making these drivers wait, too?!

Am I so like those HR people that set schedules for applicants' job interview...(?) The very eager and equally nervous applicant comes in, at most, an hour early before his time. Minutes after minutes...eventually turned into hours, many applicants are already in the waiting area. One brave applicant breaks the deafening silence and talks to the one beside him...

___________________________________

Applicant 1: What time is your schedule?

Applicant 2: 9:30, and you?

Applicant 1: We have the same sched.

The rest of the applicants: what?!!!!!

___________________________________

In short, they are made to wait there for more hours than they should. What? Because they're just applicants? That they're the one needing jobs so they have to suffer like that? The you-want-it-go-geddit freakin attitude! Grrrr!

I so hate that scenario. I promised myself I won't ever let ANYONE do that to me. This is my time...it's not theirs. They got absolutely NO right to waste it for their own fatuousness.

...but today and the past 2 years...I have done the same to those poor drivers... *sniffs* I am GUILTY.

Am so sorry.

Am I bad?

Note: Dunno if my intro is even relevant. Whatever!

I see me three years ago today...

My life is as if enclosed in the world of showbiz. Somehow, it feels like people are relentlessly after my next moves. My affairs have been such a big part of their lives that they could not go through a day without discussing about me. Should I even be flattered? I wish it could somehow be considered like soft-soap; you know what I’m saying? It’s not the case, though as I am now tremendously disconcerted. I wish they would just leave me alone. People around me are like paparazzi that never leave as if I am such an important item. I mean, come on! I would understand if I were Britney Spears or something. Only I am just a simple girl that you will see in the same lonely and lackluster corner everyday; just a simple girl dreaming to have a quiet and unruffled life. Can I just have that? Can anyone of you just give me that? I do not need your attention. Believe me, I can go on whether you notice me or not, so please stop giving me all these attention now. I desire to just run far away and shut myself off from everyone. I am so damn sick and tired of small-minded people who cannot find anything good to say about anyone. No prank, I am and I’ve always been.

Wait, I must listen intently to myself. I have started acting like a certified grumbler! What is happening to me? This is all so unbelievable! The past days have been knotty for me, yes. People left and right are causing me distress. If I were a manic depressive freak, I could’ve already found myself at the morgue with all other manic depressive bodies lying on hard-wearing steel beds. Guess, this juvenile child inside me is in fact a warrior that never gives up on any fight. Yet, evidently, my heart had gone worn down.

Not that I had gone cynical or anything. Don’t get me wrong, I get to smile and laugh once in a while. I can only apologize to people who I should be focusing on for the lifts they give me whenever I am low. I do feel gratified because of them. And I believe they are one of the biggest reasons that I hang on strong. They are what cause the sparkle in my eyes and the delight in my heart. They do…and I hope somehow, in spite of my incessant ramblings, they still could see how they have made a big difference in my life.

Life, they say, is never easy. What more can I say?

~ the talked-about is always the last to hear the talk ~

Again, I question why people just won't stop passing nasty words around. I don't really care whatever the degree of nastiness. It actually may not be considered nasty, intfp... passing gossips ...hearsays...whatever you want to call it! ...thing is, why bother passing along something that is completely none of your business? Just doesn't make any sense to me. And I can't even decide whether to pity or loathe them. I am pissed, yes. They are making me believe more that nobody is deserving of trust.

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“It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't trust you anymore, Miss Plastic Coke Bottle. I don't feel sorry for you, though. I feel sorry for myself that I even gave you a bit of my trust. It's such a waste of resources. Should've just saved them for someone who deserved it more than you do. You deserve none. You are like a leech trying to suck some freaking blood from different people for your own grandiose pleasure. You're such a pathetic empathy magnet. You gotta be dealing with your pathetic self issues! ...and I hate that I have given you that precious space in my Yahoo Blog. Hate that I even said kind words about you. Now, I can't help but believe all the nice things you said about me were all but like you...all lies!

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Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.

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...there's another type of poison perhaps a little more insidious - thought poison - commonly called "gossip." Thought poison differs from body poison in two ways. It affects the mind, not the body, and it is more subtle. The person being poisoned usually doesn't know it. Thought-poison is subtle but it accomplishes "big" things. It reduces the size of our thinking by forcing us to concentrate on petty, unimportant things. It warps and twists our thinking about people because it is based on a distortion of facts, and it creates a guilt feeling in us that shows through when we meet the person we've gossiped about. Thought-poison is zero percent right thinking: it is 100 percent wrong thinking. And contrary to lots of opinion, women have no exclusive franchise on gossip. Every day many men, too, live in a partially poisoned environment.

Doodlings...

This is about the same month last year when I was feeling exactly like a crap. I checked the date, it's just 2 days delayed this year. Funny and unimaginable! Can you call it a cycle?

Are you asking me what I am talking about? Yes, of course. You have no idea... While here I am trying to soothe the burden in my chest. Anyway, I just find it weird how things are like happening over and over. Like a viscious pattern. Somehow, I wish we can just take hold of wonderful things in our hands and be the one to take control how much sadness we like to let in. If it were as simple as that...

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Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off...

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March 2 last year. I was this...

________________________________

sometimes, i'm blank. i am often bemused.

..like at this moment..
..like yesterday..
..so many things inside my head..

at the very core i am filled with emotions. just couldn't let them out.

how?!

there's really nothing to say when you don't even know what to say. (well, rather not talk than talk silly)...c'mon don't judge me now. this is my discretionary fiber.

picking up pieces of thoughts in every corner of my brain...and then dropping them again... leaving them behind as i move on to another memory of the past and memories yet to be created.

...inside my head is an unmistakeable mess. couldn't contain all the woes which are not even my own. call me a crackpot i wouldn't care. just feel me. feel for me. you must. and then judge me.

Think now.

* do you know how it is to care for people you don't even know?
* to try your hardest to love your enemies and insist on understanding them for hurting you and for them being mean?
* have any idea how it's like to put the blame on yourself for another's fault?
* you're feeling worn out but you just have to put a smile...
* how hard it is to try to fit in.
* feel like a failure when you don't seem like you belong to anything or anyone or anywhere.
* there are complexities in mirror neurons when it's often used or when it's interminably working (without your consent).

what do you think this is about?

...is this about me or yourself or the both of us?

feel for me. you must. if you have to judge me. feel me. and learn from me.

________________________________

Later by 2 days, I am like this again as last year. Believe me, it's not just about as simple as choosing to be happy. What if things around... people around won't just let you be?

I feel like the "Courtesan" in the film, "Dangerous Beauty". Absurd.

You gotta prepare for the life that you want.

This is going to be my last day being a nocturnal. 5:23 am. Just 37 minutes to go and I will say goodbye to my nocturnal peeps. No plans for today...soo far. Tomorrow, I will be back to my old routine (sleep around 4am and wake up around 8 to 11am). I wish to sleep like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for a hundred years but please please just not awakened by a kiss. I fervently wish to be awakened by a good news that troubles and sadness are far gone away.

You are right, Lila. There will always be times that just when you need someone badly, they can't be there for you as you expect them to be. But not because they chose to ignore you. Certain things are just beyond our control. These times are times when we are given the chance to be strong for ourselves. Let's just take it as is. Learn and understand the meaning of poise under pressure. There is not much room for the fragiles.

This is really not one of my good days, yes. But I definitely learned so much. It's not easy to try and be positive all the time but, maybe, tomorrow has something better to offer. At least this is something to look forward to, right?

5:59 am and counting. Will have to sign off. Bye!

Aren't you tired of pretending to be something you're not?

Am not the type of person who would go beyond the reason behind someone else's acts. In fact, I just take people for what they are showing me. Thing with this, though, some people can be scheming. There is no way you can tell when they're doing it. They themselves won't admit that they do have something else in mind than plainly asking.

I maybe getting you lost now. Don't worry... You will know what I am trying to point out in a little while.

Last December, I met a new friend. She was the first one to befriend me. Made me wonder, "why?" but let's just say, I rather just ignored the question. Besides, there's nothing wrong if I take her friendship offer. Who knows it could get somewhere.

I can't clearly remember how it all started. How many times did we exchange ym messages... But what I do remember's the fact that she tried making me feel really comfortable with her. I must admit, though, I did. Dunno if I should regret it now or what. But, what happened was what happened. She could be the accomplice to a rumor spreading around the workplace. Really, I don't mind anymore. The truth will always be the truth. Maybe that's not they're really expecting to find out. So, it's up to them. I mean, I just don't understand why the hell do they care?! For goodness sakes!

I don't want to start ranting again. Well, it's the first thing that came into my head so... Well, I better just drop the matter, then.

This is going to be second to the last day of my being a nocturnal. The coming week is another start. Should I say, re-start?! Yes, I will be back to my old schedule. Dunno if it's a positive or negative thing but, I will just have to wait and see.

I changed the look of my blogsite. Of course, you did notice. I mean, those who have been visiting my green room (which is not anyway Green) for some time now. By the way, why Green Room? Many have already asked me this question. Will tell you what this term means. "Green Room" is a waiting room or lounge for the use of performers when they are offstage. This site is my lounge. I am the performer in the big stage of life. Got it? *wink* Nuf said.

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Oops, wait! Can't click on the publish button yet. I really have to include this part...

My conversation with GPTBF (girl pretending to be a friend)...

______________________________________________

GPTBF: can i ask you..are we friends???

~paper tiger~ : how can I tell?

GPTBF: yeah, right... you already answered me

~paper tiger~: dunno really...anyone can be a friend...but how real...that's the big question
~paper tiger~: had been severely judged by people
~paper tiger~: even by those who I thought were real friends
~paper tiger~: it's hard to define friendship nowadays

GPTBF: yeah, for me this is much better..i can say this frankly and so are you to me without being hurt.

GPTBF: i didnt hurt your feelings,did i??

~paper tiger~: I wasn't a bit hurt..all the while...been hearing rumors...
~paper tiger~: what else could hurt me more?

GPTBF: yeah

______________________________________________

I still keep your letters hoping to find the answers in your words.

Hi! How are you?

You know what? I thought of you today. I don't know how, in the midst of my most hectic days, thoughts of you manage to squeeze their way into my mind. I don't know how you do it, considering that I haven't heard from you for four years now. Come to think of it, I didn't even realize until now that it has been four years. Four years, so many "relationships" since then, and yet, I still go back to you.

I know, it's not your fault we're not even friends anymore. After all, I was the one who changed numbers and didn't tell you. But please understand that, at that time, I thought it was the best way to go for both of us. I couldn't get the closure that I wanted, because I knew you were just a text away. Besides, back then, I was considering dating one of my closest friends seriously, and the only way I could possibly do that without going crazy was by cutting you off. I'm sorry for that.

I was the ultimate cynic before I met you, and I know I shouldn't be reminding you of this, because you know me so well. I was the boy who was terrified to commit, terrified to lay his heart out on the open, terrified to gamble, for the weirdest and most confusing reasons...

Actually, now that I had so much time to think about it, my phobia back then can actually be summed up in four words: fear of getting hurt. I was so petrified at the thought of getting hurt, that I made people believe that I regarded them closely, but actually dealt with them at arms' length. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I originally planned to do the same with you. Of course, you wouldn't allow me. That was one of the reasons why, I believe, I fell for you.

My love life, predictably, has a very sad and sorry cycle. Girl X falls for me. I fall for her. She tries to get close to me. I place her at a safe distance. She tries to get closer. I push her farther away. She gets tired of trying. I get tired of myself. We let go. I try bitterly to move on. I meet Girl Y, but I can't deal with her too well because I'm still moping about Girl X. And the cycle repeats itself almost automatically. I know that to be happy, you have to gamble, but I was never a good risk taker. Not until after you.

You were unlike any girl I've ever met before. You were a spoiled brat who was used to getting what she wanted in an instant. Admittedly, I was a spoiled brat too. So we clashed. You hated all the things that I loved, and I loathed all the things that interested you. It was a match made in hell. But somehow, for some unknown reason, you stayed put.

I still don't know how you did it. Somehow, someway, you managed to pull the rug off from under me. And before I even knew what was happening, I had been swept off my feet.

I remember just now, how the simplest of your gestures can make me so giddy. I remember how I was when I used to wait for your call. I used to shudder in anticipation of hearing your voice, literally speaking. And when you text me, it was like nothing else mattered-at all.

I can vaguely remember the kilig feeling, but I know that it felt like my insides were turning to mush, my muscles were dissolving in electricity, and butterflies were hammering against my throat. I know, they don't sound too good in print, but they are, in actuality, the best feelings in the world.

I remember, still quite vividly, how the mere memory of your laugh was enough to make me smile, and how the mere sound of your voice had been enough to brighten up the darkest of my days. I remember looking forward to waking up every morning, because I knew it would be another day to communicate with you. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was falling for you. Somehow, however, I tried to bury them to the deepest recesses of my heart in the hope of vanquishing them forever.

I remember quite well how you told me, countless of times, how much you loved me. Unfortunately, I am also constantly reminded how cruel I was. Because every time you said you cared, I always found ways to avoid answering back. I'd tell you, "I like you as a person," or I'd say, "Mushy!" It got to the point, however, that I got tired of making up ways to avoid your question that I just told you, "You know I can't answer that right now." I'm so darn stupid! I would always have to stop from banging myself against the wall when I remember how badly I treated you. And, I know, no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry, nothing would ever change anything.

You asked me once why I liked you. And I told you, "Because you make me happy." And you know what? You really did. You made me happy, in a way that I never thought I could ever be. I thank you for that.

To tell you honestly, I don't remember how you look like. I can only remember certain aspects. But I do remember, so very well, the sound of your voice, your musical laughter, and sadly, even the distant and angry tone of your voice as we neared our goodbyes.

Maybe I'll never forget you. Maybe I'll never live down the fact that I had you - but I let you go. Was it that, or was it that I had you, but I did not work hard, did not fight hard enough to make you stay? I don't know. I don't want to think, and I don't believe that now is the time to rationalize about these things. Because the truth of the matter is, you're gone. I hate living the life, knowing that I'll be thinking of these "what if's" for the rest of my life. I hate wishing that I could turn back time, so that I could correct all my mistakes, took all the risks I should have taken, and reached for your hand when you held it out for me. But it's too late for that, and it's not even plausible anyway.

I can't help but wonder, once in a while, how you're doing. I wonder if you're happy, or if some lucky creature is making you happy. I wonder if you still think of me, or even just remember that I exist. Because I think of you. Every single day, against my will, against my better judgment. I've fooled myself long enough to believe that you're not important in my life, not essential to my existence. I'm tired of my own masquerade. I just want to acknowledge the fact that yes, you have touched my life, even if I have acknowledged you too late.

A lot of people say, "There are many fihes in the sea." They weren't lying. I found that out myself after we separated ways. I dated like hell when you said goodbye, trying to numb myself from the pain, trying to ignore the emptiness that was left with the vacuum that you created in my life. But you know what? At the end of the day, it was still you. I couldn't find the special spark that I found in you, not even in better-looking or funnier or smarter or richer gals. They didn't have the magic that you had. They couldn't make my insides melt with a smile. They couldn't ease away all my pains with a call. Simply put, they were not you. Yes, they were many, but none of them was you. I wish you could see me now. I believe I can safely say that I'm a much better person now than I was four years ago. I have a better perspective on life and love. I don't make up fights anymore just to make things interesting. I don't make up stories anymore to test how much people love me. I don't play mind games anymore. And when I feel something, I say it. I'm not afraid to love anymore. I'm not afraid to get hurt. I'm no longer afraid to take risks. I just wish you were here to see the new, different me. But then again, that could never happen, no matter how hard I try to wish for it.

You know what? Because of you, I promised myself a few things. I promised myself that I would never be afraid to fall or get hurt. I promised myself that I would take risks, seize opportunities, and conquer my fears. I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies.

I used to believe that when you lose someone, you'll get a chance to meet them again. I used to believe in second chances. Losing you has taught me that there are no second chances in life. When you meet someone, and you are given that chance to change their lives, you have to take hold of that opportunity, because that is the only chance you've got. You have your chance, and that's it. You have to make the most out of it, and then let go when it's time. People come and go, and you have to live with it.

I constantly have to remind myself that you've done your part in my life. You taught me the lesson you came to teach, so you have to leave. I have to move on. I shouldn't wait. But I can't help it.

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...But this is not from you. I can only wish...
... but we both know it's not from you.

I wish I could say that I was as strong as I pretended to be.
Truth was you had already hurt me twice, I was not prepared for a third.

Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.

It's 1 in the morning and I am in front of a personal computer monitor working. Do I sound like complaining? Don't get me wrong, I am not. Just that I am reminded of how it used to be common to sleep during the night time and work during the day time. It's just two weeks and I feel like it's been years.

This poncan has been sitting here on my computer table for two days now. Notice I mentioned the word "two" twice. *sigh* It is just so empty being here. And I start noticing even the most trivial things around. Why does it feel like I am alone in a crowd of a few? I don't know either. Damn, am starting to talk to myself again. Will it qualify me as an egotist if I believe myself is the only person I can find sensible to talk with? The way I see it, it makes me both egotist and schizophrenic. Who the hell cares?

I received a text message from someone a couple of hours ago. It's the typical mushy quote one gets from anyone. This quote, however is from "Ally McBeal". It goes like this...

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that sanity. Somebody who never lets go...somebody who cherishes you forever.

I only wish it's that easy to just end up with somebody who will love you forever. Sad fact is, feelings give us so many tricks. We fall in love with someone we should not fall for. We hurt the ones we should not hurt. We most often mistake our feelings for something else and it either makes the other person go or stay. If they go, we try hard to run after them and believe we cannot live without them. If they stay, we give them more than enough reasons to leave. People make life so complicated when it should just be as simple as learning to ride a bike. Sometimes, it takes some falls to be able to ride it successfully without falling. But if you keep facing forward, you would hardly notice you've already reached your destination.

Most of the time we blame life for being complicated when it's supposed to be the other way around. The only thing it did wrong was to give us too many options than we can take. People can't settle for what was readily offered to them and in stead, look at the countless choices laid before them. Until they end up trying out every single option without having to come up with a single choice they can stick with. We cling on to something for some time. But because there are still other options, we rather not stay for long. We get fed up and leave something behind for a better choice. We do it constantly. And it kind of frightens me.

Loving someone incessantly is being less sane... so the quote says. Could be, yes. For how can you relentlessly love someone who cannot love you in return? But, if you look at the various choices, would you find what you are really looking for? Love is a feeling. Can you choose to not feel that way? Between choices and feelings, what could weight more for you? We can simply just walk away and look at many other options or we can stay and wait. Which is more insane? *scratches head with both hands*

This is not going anywhere, is it? I don't even know what I am discussing about. In fact, I don't even have a clear idea what's that line about. Totally, I am blank and for the next few days, my mind will keep wandering away from myself, perhaps until I find my way out from what's jading me. *yawns* And I have just created another blog entry without making any sense!

Before I tick on the publish button, let me share with you what I have learned in between February 23 and February 24, 2007. I have learned that people accuse other people for doing this and that without realising they are doing the same. That's all. Boo!!!

I've been broken now and again...I know what it feels like to see something funny and not laugh

It's pretty a long day. Nothing much to do... Well, there are so many things to do but I shut myself off from everything. The past days have been knotty for me. And 'til now, I still hold this distressed emotion. Boredom just had to set in again...perhaps. My mind seems to be wandering far away from my reality. Like my body floats by itself also wandering on its own. *Yawns*

Moments like this can make one feel so damn empty. Or have I just become numb from all these predicaments laid before me? I hope to retreat to my own peaceful world and never show myself again...

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Friends are like television. Some are like PBS and always asking for money...

Others are like the news with sad tales to tell every day...

Some are like that one station with the foreign language, you don't understand a word of it but you watch and listen anyway...

And then there are the ones like commercials: always changing, ever so annoying and only seem to be there when you're bored...

But every once in a while you meet someone who's like a really good movie of the week or a TV show you hardly ever get to see anymore because you're so busy.

Point is: hold on to the friends that you care about and since we don't have a remote control to mute someone or just change the channel, pick your friends carefully.

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Being a friend is also a role, with obligations, rules, and privileges of its own.
Whether or not you lean on your friends during a crisis, you should feel that, if you wanted to, you could. Friendship demands loyalty and devotion to each other and to your friendship -- especially when a crisis occurs. True friends are willing to be there for you; they do not just make hollow offers.

Love has places to go and people to hurt.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. we say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. On the human interaction stock exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do.

Love's cruel

When a guy no longer wants to communicate with me, and doesn't have the manners or courage to tell me that to my face, he's given me all the information i need.

He's not that into you!

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Talking to myself alone

"Sometimes, all the psychological help in the world cannot do anything. Sometimes, boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than what everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw that great episode on Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over again."

- He's Just Not That Into You

Reason and love are sworn enemies.

"Love and relationships are truly one of the most paradoxical aspects of being human. For it is in love that we find the greatest of strengths and the deepest of sorrows. Love can seem to be so fleeting and unachievable yet it remains well within our reach if we only learn how to embrace it's power. To experience true love, we must be willing to open ourselves up and sacrifice part of our heart and part of our soul. We must be willing to give of ourselves freely, and we must be willing to suffer. It is only when we expose our inner selves to the white hot flame of rejection, that love can burn so brightly as to join two souls, molding the two into one, creating a bond that joins forever. It is from this bond that we draw strength eternal and power ever lasting. It is in this thing that we call love that we find the means to achieve greatness, both in ourselves and in our lives."

I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles

"We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it."

Eye irritant.

It's such a slow day and there's nothing much to do. Had just finished posting on forums and still one blog waiting to be done. Only I am too lazy to work on so, I thought to rant my thoughts out about an article a friend had me read two days ago. This friend I am talking about is someone who shares the same thoughts as mine. Surprisingly, he can understand my deepest thoughts and I sincerely appreciate that. Very few people are interested about another's thoughts and feelings because they're too engrossed with their own selves. So, having this friend is something.

He sent me this site that talk about "Psychopaths". (Will include excerpts from the article here) In my previous post, I made a mention of someone who I tagged as such. After reading the link my friend sent me, it dawned on me that, yes, the person I was referring to as psychopath may be really one. The title of the article is "Help, I'm Surrounded by Jerks" scribbled by Stephanis Rosenbloom. The author was very descriptive with her words that me and my friend got really entertained while reading the self-help article, though, basically, the article was more of like promoting Rosenbloom's books. Here's the introduction and for me this is the best part!

"CERTAIN mortals have the power to sink hearts and sour moods with lightning speed. The hysterical colleague. The meddlesome neighbor. The crazy in-law. The explosive boss. A mélange of cantankerous individuals, they are united by a single achievement: They make life miserable."

The second paragraph contains words such as "nitwits" and I'm kinda off with those words so I rather not include it here.

"They are the office Cassandra who predicts doom for every project her team initiates, the intimidating boss for whom nothing is ever good enough"

This made me wonder how authors of self-help books came up with their ideas. They must have dealt with different psychopaths all their life. I mean, they completely understand how bullies and jerks act and react. Of course, they made long, rigorous studies and researches but what could've enticed them to learn about such people? I am not sure but so far, I haven't read a lot of articles or books that talk about too happy people. Just the self-help stuffs that teach about how to be happy. People with very good dispositions are mentioned of course but no book I know of that discuss about so happy and content people.

"They’re very disruptive"

Yes, they are indeed disruptive! I so agree this is for a fact true. In most cases, they cause others to feel bad about themselves. They are just so talented in making another person's life far less comfortable. There's just so many ways they can find to make someone feel damn low.

"...rather than seeing the office curmudgeon or the post office nitpicker as the sum of their most wretched behavior, it is better to think of them as full people, even to empathize with them, if only to maintain some sense of control."

This one...I don't agree! Have done this almost my entire life and I want to quit already! Did they even think it's that easy to do? Yes, she did mention this kind of advice would only get this response, "easier said than done". Yes! It is absolutely, definitely, certainly, easier said than done! Because just like what she (Rosenbloom) said, we will always find difficult individuals everywhere we go. In every workplace, there's at least one or two. Damn! So far, I've met three in the same worlplace! Goodness gracious! The author also mentioned that there's equal distribution of these people. Unbelievable! Which only means, I can NEVER escape them...anyone of them! Good luck to me!

"Yet, some scholars say, the problem is not the difficult people themselves. It is you."

And why me? Why is it the victims are now being blamed as the problem? Ok yes, because we allow these people to do the things they're doing to us. Yes, because we just don't fight back. Yes. i know all these things and for everyone's information, I used to be a loner, passive, oblivious person. Believe me each time I say I have heard every possible insult that can be hurled to a beautiful girl! (don't mind what I just said) Isn't this enough proof that I've had more than enough? More than anyone can endure? I have. And I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. I want to retreat and completely shut myself off. The problem is, there is just no way I can do this. *frowns*

“Some people really are bad people”

I must agree! And this is actually what I keep telling myself whenever I feel bad because of some reckless, unfeeling, insenstive freaks. And because I am a self-critical person, I tend to blame myself most of the time for another person's actions so, I also have to keep reminding myself of this fact so I won't lose my self-esteem. I always tell myself, it must be me. It must be because I was like this and like that and all other alibis I could think of to cover for the person's jerky actions. Weird.

“Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing With Difficult People”

Another recommended book to read...

"...find a way to communicate with these people because they are not going away."

Another suggestion but promise, it's not really easy! Been there, done that! Bullies become more abusive when they sense fear in their victims. Sometimes, you just got to be showing toughness and prove them you're not a push-over to teach them a lesson. Doormats don't survive very long these days so, put your armors on and fight for your lives! And I also have to add that bullies, psychopaths...whatever you may call them, are mostly conceited individuals. They don't listen. They're also narcissists. What good will it cause if one attempts to talk things out with them?

"...there are those who think they are powerless, that their ideas go unheard or are dismissed and who believe they are not valued, feelings that can turn into chronically difficult behavior."

Is this statement describing me? I honestly think my ideas go unheard and are not valued. But I hope I won't become a difficult person like someone I know. Yes, I believe that "the core of everyone's personality consists of many selves." And many other factors so, difficult people could be the sum total of many bitter experiences and heartaches. I have to give them that. But I also believe that we are all responsible for our own actions and how we are making others feel when we do something. Again, adults should act as adults. We have to use our heads and hearts. Go back to my previous post and look for the quote about "manners".

“If everyone really hates this one person, it becomes the basis of social bonding for the rest of the group.”

Monsters don't lurk inside the closet.

Nothing much to say today. Was just browsing my quotes list. I found this:

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Wear your learning like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it out, and strike it, merely to show that you have one.

True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.
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I just think that there are too many people who think so highly of themselves. If there's just a ruler or any measuring device to accurately determine their worth, they wouldn't have to go through the hassles of talking / proving much about how great they are. I wish I am an inventor so I can do them a big favor. Will invent something that would calculate a person's worth accurately. The objective is to make everyone understand that there's always someone better than they are.

Introducing...the callous, cold-blooded individuals...

"They don't care that you have thoughts and feelings. They have no sense of guilt or remorse."

Introduction (drum rolls): My two previous posts talked about Limerence and Loving Relationship. Today, I will put the topic down and discuss about another equally interesting one. Just bare with me because today is not such a good day. But hey, I didn't wake up in the wrong side of the bed. So, not cranky...just a lil bit emotional.

I got heartbroken after learning about what happened to my brother early this morning. On his way to office, he was held-up by short, skinny group of males. My brother is tall and big but these guys were armed so, he couldn't do anything. There's really no intention on his part to fight back. Still, one of these guys hit him with a gun on his left temple.

I dunno the details as I was already sobbing while Mom relays the story to me over the phone. I just couldn't believe how cruel people can get just for some meager amount of cash and cellular phone. If their intent was to rob, then rob but why the need to hurt their victim? Anyway, so much for an introduction. Besides, it has nothing to do with what I am to discuss now. I just feel for my brother (of course).

Ok, here's my discussion...

I kinda figure it now. When one allows a bully to dominate him/her, it starts becoming a cycle. It will become a never-ending scenario of bullying-crying unless given a halt, which rarely happens because the meek are, most of the time, the ones being attacked and they are the kind of people that rarely voice out.

So, the bully senses fear and inferiority. This is about the best time to take advantage of what strength or power they didn't really have but have gained because of the situation. It's like parasitism. The bull was never the dominating party since the parasites on it take advantage of what they can with it. No matter the size, the parasites have over-taken the strength of this huge animal. I think there's this certain fulfillment knowing you have overpowered someone no matter how insignificant or significant the person is. Just the thought that you got the power over something or someone already adds to your self worth. Makes sense.

I have consistently been observing this person whom I have known for sometime now. I have never had a pretty good impression of her since the first time she was introduced to me. But, I am never unjust so, when given the chance I opened my doors to her to be my friend. At first, she made me feel like she cared

...and stupid me, I believed her and disregarded my previous prediction of what she is truly made of. I reasoned for her so I can defend her to my already hurting self, which, did nothing good to me whatsoever. There are just people made that way. It's just too late when I learned and accepted this sad truth.

"Psychopaths have a profound lack of empathy. They use other people callously and remorselessly for their own ends. They seduce victims with a hypnotic charm that masks their true nature as pathological liars, master con artists, and heartless manipulators. Easily bored, they crave constant stimulation, so they seek thrills from real-life "games" they can win -- and take pleasure from their power over other people."

And I ended up calling "them" psychopaths! Funny. No pun intended, really, but persons like me who seek reasons for things can't stop until we get to understand what we need to understand. Thus the researches. And believe me, I can easily forgive people and forget about what they've done after thorough thinking.

Somehow, I find reasons and ways to not get angry. I hate hearing myself defending people and I hate myself the more that I allow them to insistently do hurtful things to me. It's not right but I am just that forgiving and trusting that they'd ever change. Change is, after all, the only permanent thing in this world, so the saying goes.

Can't tell if what I am doing is right and I have been consistently battling with my head if this is even acceptable. Maybe I should give myself more worth than what I am giving people. Because in my solitude, no one's sharing my pains. Nobody feels for me the way I feel for myself but GOD. Sometimes, I get to have this difficulty of drawing the line between being nice and not hurting anyone's feeling. There are times I can't understand which to believe. So, I almost always end up hurting myself in the process.

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

Yes, this is so true. I have met a few highly educated men without manners and a few uneducated men that seem to have so much of it. Whoever believes manners come with intelligence or educational background, well, it's one of the wrong conclusions ever made. Manners are not taught. It is something innate.

I dunno how to call people without manners because what I do know is that animals are the only creatures that have nothing of this. Therefore, psychopaths are animals. Oops, this is a pretty strong statement. Should I take it back? Erase...erase... Retype.

No, I will never take back what I just said unless these people prove me they're not animals. That they are thinking/feeling humans with manners. No, I won't push the backspace button for this is my conclusion based on observation. It's like a research, done with careful observation. (Now, it sounds like I used them as guinea pigs.)

"Female bullies favour a strictly psychological approach to inflicting pain on others such as gossip and persistent criticism."

No, I won't go discussing about gossipmongers anymore. At least not this time. I might stray from the topic because currently, my mind is wandering away. Lemme just share where my thoughts are resting right now -- A person is like a word with many synonyms. The person is the word and the synonyms are his descriptions. -- I don't want to go further on giving examples because I believe in Karma.

Hmm...let me rephrase that, I believe and am practicing the Golden Rule. But, I am definitely sure, EVERYONE who knows her would even contribute to the many negative adjectives (attitudes) already associated with her. Believe it or not, I am not (yet) bitter. Maybe heading there. Which, I think is a signal that there's a need for me to start guarding my boundary. Just like what a very good friend suggested.

Psychopaths succeed in conventional society in large measure because few of us grasp that they are fundamentally different from ourselves. We assume that they, too, care about other people's feelings. This makes it easier for them to "play" us. Although they lack empathy, they develop an actor's expertise in evoking ours. While they don't care about us, "they have an element of emotional intelligence, of being able to see our emotions very clearly and manipulate them.

I know how to respect persons and I give them the respect they deserve but I hope they'd also learn to do the same. That's just all.

People shouldn't experience the act of love until they are in love.

What can I say? Eversince I've heard of limerence, I never stopped wanting to know more about it. It's so intriguing that I want to completely understand the logic behind it. Personally, I think Tennov has made a significant move to understanding why some relationships fail. And I guess, she's not alone at this. At a very young age, I have started understanding what could be the real meaning (feeling) of love. I don't believe that love can fade. Because love is ...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Clearly, the study is being supported by this verse. People do mistake feelings for love without them realising it. My question is this..."how many romantic love can one have in his lifetime?" In my opinion, I don't believe that we could love different persons in the exact same level. There's only one true love in a person's lifetime. Other love feelings could just be limerence or whatever feelings one mistake for love.

when limerence wears off, some people fear they are falling out of love. In reality, love has just moved on to a new phase, and many people use limerence as a springboard for a long-term relationship. Arguably, we need this temporary madness, to convince us to set up home and intertwine our destinies with relative strangers.

So, limerence is not at all (can't) just (be) plainly a mistake of two overwhelmed individuals. It could be a stage. But it's all up to them to make love happen.

The first and most basic question in managing a relationship is simple: are both partners having the same kind? Mismatches in expectation about this cause a colossal amount of grief. That's especially so when one partner bids to change the mode of the relationship and the other doesn't follow. So the first rule of relationship management is this: know (and tell your partner) what mode you're in, know what mode your partner is in, and do your damnedest to make sure they match!

Hmmm...a pretty sensible and promising advice. But of course! Openess, I believe is the most important ingredient that makes a relationship successful. However, insisting what both the persons in a relationship want from each other won't cause anything good either. So, there's a need to add compromise. Respecting each other's wants and needs (sometimes opinion) could also help get the relationship to another stage. That is of course, if both are envisioning a future together.

If either of you are misrepresenting what you are giving and expecting (whether because of self-deception or deliberate other-deception) the relationship is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Assuming you and your partner can in fact agree on your goals and be honest about what you're doing, there are other issues. Some of these have to do with commitment -- for how far and into what kinds of futures do the partners bind themselves together?

So, getting into another stage also depends on decision. Can love be a decision? I think you can only start compromising when love is involved. No matter how two persons try harder to make the relationship work, but none of them or just one of them can completely commit to taking it to a higher level, then nothing positive could take place. That's why breaking up happens.

What can help to keep the "emotional juices flowing" in your relationship? The following information might be helpful:


- Touch each other a lot. Touch is one of the best ways of communicating your feelings to another. Touch, skin and body contact are an important part of the overall continuing relationship. *** Try touching your partner lightly with your fingertips. The ends of the fingers will communicate their own language to the person touched. This language will be a personal conversation between the two of you.

- Surprise each other. Be each other's best friend. Make your partner understand that your relationship doesn't just revolve around sexual activities but it actually goes beyond that. Keeping an open-communication can help.

- Swap your interest. Don't stop learning new things about your partner. Treat your partner as if a mystery yet to be unfold. Surely, there's still a lot of fascinating things to discover about each other.

- Develop shared habits. Find out what you have in common and make it your habit to enjoy the things that both of you love doing. Pick a day in a week where you can spend quality time together doing what you agreed to do.

- Give each other space. Always remember that each partner still needs room to be an individual. The individual that he was before you even met him and the individual he still can become.

- Communicate. Again, being open and honest will always lead to more understanding and acceptance of each other's differences.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

The period of limerence lasts on average six weeks before reality sets in and each partner begins to notice that the other is not quite perfect.. A vital thing to understand is that (despite what you've absorbed from a hundred sappy movies) limerence is not romance. It can be the launchpad of romance, but you won't really know what kind of relationship you're in until the glow of limerence fades.

It's a study by a psychologist back in the 1980s. What do we know? Love is not what we think it is. But, finally, I've found an answer to "why people mistake some feelings for love." When one is happy with someone, they immediately jump into the conclusion that "it could be it (love)". Could be. But, not always. It is just a launchpad (limerence). This is also the same reason why couples divorce after a some years of being married (there are times marriages last for just a year). Because once upon a time, they were blinded by something that caused butterflies inside their stomachs. They weren't really thinking. All they ever cared about was what's making them happy. They only cared about the overwhelming feeling that's engorged them. We know better now. Our folks never learned about what we're learning now like "limerence" and other discoveries on love-relationships but they were able to sustain their intimacy for generations. Why can't we? Is it because we are given so many choices? There is divorce in the US and Annulment in the Philippines. Just what is the difference between the two? Yes, I know of the legal terms but basically they are just the same. They separate families.

The bottom line here is, I think everyone (especially the younger generations) should understand that love is something else. It is not what we see everyday. Man and woman of our dreams walking along the busiest street and we found them. Then, it ends there. It is not. Love is more than that. You need to ask yourself questions to really say, "this is it!" Questions like: "is this the person I want to see first thing in the morning laying beside me?" "Will I be strong and mature enough to accept this person's flaws?" "Will I be able to forgive and compromise?" "Can I see myself with this person til our old days?" These are but a few questions to ask yourself. I posted Morrie's quote about marriage on my previous post. But I will post it here again...

In this culture it's so important to find a loving relationship with someone because so much of the culture does not give you that. But the poor kids today, either they're too selfish to take part in a real loving relationship, or they rush into marriage and then six months later, they get divorced. They don't know what they want in a partner. They don't know who they are themselves--so how can they know who they're marrying?

In many cases, love is never enough. Not because we strongly feel for someone already means, we'd end up with each other happily ever after.

"marriages are such high-maintainance relationships"

Of course, when we're looking for love, we are also looking for a future with someone. And because we are all unique; because couples are two individuals, there is still a need to consider whether we can deal with another person (the person we choose to be in a relationship with). Not because we love someone already means they are meant for us. That it is already that easy to deal with each other's differences. No, it doesn't work that way. If it does, then there couldn't be divorces. With the many options laying on the table, people are given the right to make choices even if they are not entitled to it anymore. I am talking, of course, of married people. After some fights and arguments, they'd resolve to breaking up. It's the most convenient thing. They still hope that out of this grueling relationship they can still find true happiness. Only, after several failed relationships and they've reached their 40s, many haven't found what they're looking for still. So, how's it? Bottom line, feelings don't go with happy endings. Not all that can make us happy is good for us. More so, not all that can bring us temporary happiness could really make us happy.

A research by social psychologists Michael Argyle and Mark Cook confirms the importance of eyes meeting across a crowded room. They found that when humans experience intensely pleasurable emotions our pupils dilate and become larger, which unconsciously and involuntarily betrays our feelings. What is more, a small increase in the secretion of the tear-ducts causes the eyes to glisten, producing what Argyle and Cook call the 'shining eyes of love'.

It is easy to think that love ends because of some monstrous piece of bad behaviour, but more often it decays gradually through a million minor hurts. In fact, loving attachment can never be taken for granted and, like anything precious, it needs to be carefully tended.

We all have the responsibility of teaching the younger generations to choose their partners well. And that love is not everything. Of course, it is the most important component of any relationship but, to believe in it so much without using our heads, it couldn't lead to anything good. Their future might still be at risk. Be wise.

The road to true love was never easy.

I am really not a zodiac fanatic and I am neither a believer. Though, of course I get to read horoscopes at times, and found them somewhat reliable, I still cling to the person I know that is me. Today, zodiac signs love match is in demand. I've already received and answered 2 Taurus related questions. First one was paired with Leo and the next with Piesces. Maybe, there are still people who are careful in choosing a partner like how it should really be. Choosing a lifetime partner is the most crucial decision making one could ever deal with. Come on! This is a happiness issue. And, perhaps, I am not the only one who's hoping to stop the increasing number of broken homes. If zodiac signs and predictions are true, I hope people would just resolve to it as an aid to humans' long time problem -- searching for the right life-long partner. This way, we could all hope for stronger family bond. We won't have to worry about breaking families anymore.

While searching for the answers to the question I received earlier, (the question was: What are the weaknesses of the zodiac sign Taurus?) I found this answer...

Taurus Possible Weakness: Accepting less than you can achieve

I think this may be true. Evaluating myself, yes, it is indeed true. Sad to admit. People say I deserve better things but I put up with sub-standard ones. I have given serious thought about it and still am thinking. It could take time but, oh well. A big factor for this is, maybe, my being emotional. One big problem of mine is that I am too attached to my emotions/feelings. I hope there's a crash course for this, so I can inch by inch change this til I become a better person.

I will post Taurean information that I find true about myself.

A person born between the dates of the 19th and 25th of April would not receive the full central results of the sign's individ­uality, as he would be born when the Sun was on the edge of the sign.

Those born under it are fearless and kind, and very magnanimous when not irri­tated. They are generous, and apt to load themselves with the burdens and sorrows of others.

Money has no special value in their minds except for the good it will do. They have no wish to hoard, and are always ready to divide. They prefer to help with money rather than by the expenditure of time or sympathy (just somewhat true).

They have great power of concentration, and make the best metaphysical healers. By the power of their will they can pro­ject their thought to great distances and hit the mark. They are exceedingly fond of the good things of the earth, and like to spread feasts for their friends.

They feel the minds of other people and know their thoughts (this is also what my personality type says about me).

Taurus Greatest Strength: Your sensible outlook on life

Taureans are determined, productive, practical, reliable, resourceful and capable of generating great wealth. They will work slowly and steadily to achieve their ultimate goal. Ruled by Venus, Taurus loves material comforts, sensual pleasures and beauty. They take great pride in their possessions and assets. Taureans may be stubborn, but their steady demeanor makes them reliable and loyal.

Empty hearts and voices talking

New Year, new beginning. I just hope this applies to everyone.

I have always been the apple of gossipmongers' eyes. All my life, even when I was still too naive, they've been giving me monikers, tagged me as this and that. It didn't hurt me as much than it is hurting me now. Maybe when you grow older you get to understand how you just want to live a life. Because, in fact, nobody helped you reach where you are now. So, who gives them the right to pull you down? It isn't fair. No, life is not unfair. People are.

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

People can really be such jerks with just words. I don't understand why they are taking pleasure in meddling on another person's business. Why should they care, in the first place? It is not anymore their concern if someone's straying. What? They care? Then why the hell are they spreading rumors in stead of confronting me? Is that even caring? Is that what they call "care"? If they did care for me then they should've hurled words to my face. I'd catch each word no matter how afflictive they might be.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love."
- Proverbs 27:5

I am upset because they're taking away my right to live. If I do this they'd say something; if I don't do this, they'd say something. Just where the hell should I place myself? I am so sick and tired that people sort of manipulating my decisions. It's sick! And it's true that we shouldn't really care so much about what other people think. How can I not? When their judging eyes won't stop dissecting what could be wrong with me... Dean is right. Their life is dull so, they're messing with somebody else's life to make their's interesting. But goodness! Making your life interesting at the expense of another?! Damn! Maybe I am not the one needing a life. Maybe it's them. Yes, it's them!

Just what is it that they want from me? What else? I lived a very lonely life already. Do they think they can even make it worse? Like what I've said in my previous post, "nothing can hurt me as much anymore". Much has been said about me. More than they can imagine. But I am invincible. And I am still keeping my faith I can go through all this.

"They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down but I will not allow
anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me...

I have learned there's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
So I won't be afraid and darkness will fade...

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down but I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach."

New year, I hope they'd find a new attitude, a new hobby, a new point of view. I hope they'd become better persons because what the world really needs are people who are pure. People who care for one another. Of course, no one is righteous, like what the Bible says. But let's just start the year right by minding our own business and not cause another's pain.