This is about the same month last year when I was feeling exactly like a crap. I checked the date, it's just 2 days delayed this year. Funny and unimaginable! Can you call it a cycle?
Are you asking me what I am talking about? Yes, of course. You have no idea... While here I am trying to soothe the burden in my chest. Anyway, I just find it weird how things are like happening over and over. Like a viscious pattern. Somehow, I wish we can just take hold of wonderful things in our hands and be the one to take control how much sadness we like to let in. If it were as simple as that...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 2 last year. I was this...________________________________
sometimes, i'm blank. i am often bemused.
..like at this moment..
..like yesterday..
..so many things inside my head..
at the very core i am filled with emotions. just couldn't let them out.
how?!
there's really nothing to say when you don't even know what to say. (well, rather not talk than talk silly)...c'mon don't judge me now. this is my discretionary fiber.
picking up pieces of thoughts in every corner of my brain...and then dropping them again... leaving them behind as i move on to another memory of the past and memories yet to be created.
...inside my head is an unmistakeable mess. couldn't contain all the woes which are not even my own. call me a crackpot i wouldn't care. just feel me. feel for me. you must. and then judge me.
Think now.
* do you know how it is to care for people you don't even know?
* to try your hardest to love your enemies and insist on understanding them for hurting you and for them being mean?
* have any idea how it's like to put the blame on yourself for another's fault?
* you're feeling worn out but you just have to put a smile...
* how hard it is to try to fit in.
* feel like a failure when you don't seem like you belong to anything or anyone or anywhere.
* there are complexities in mirror neurons when it's often used or when it's interminably working (without your consent).
what do you think this is about?
...is this about me or yourself or the both of us?
feel for me. you must. if you have to judge me. feel me. and learn from me.
________________________________
Later by 2 days, I am like this again as last year. Believe me, it's not just about as simple as choosing to be happy. What if things around... people around won't just let you be?I feel like the "Courtesan" in the film, "Dangerous Beauty". Absurd.
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I feel for you, siobe... But there's really not much to say as those feelings do come especially to poor souls like ours... geez, I can really feel what you're feeling and on this aspect I think I really understand you. But there's really nothing you can do to remove that from your heart and should I say your whole being... it is a phase that I don't know what's the purpose but if you are there, there really is no escaping it but just let it pass like a roaring storm in the night... I will pray for you
ReplyDeleteNobody said that life is easy.
ReplyDeleteHappiness is a matter of conditioning, not of the condition. Learn that you can choose to be happy, no matter what the circumstance may be. You don't have to hold-on to happy thoughts, for happiness needs no reason.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace peace and contentment, and you will find happiness.
Happiness is a feeling. It's an emotion. Happiness is a feeling that is caused by something...a thought, a thing, a person...It has reasons...
ReplyDeleteFeelings are sensationally measurable: painfulness, coldness, hotness, heaviness, lightness, loudness...attributes that are measurable in certain conditions.
ReplyDeleteHappiness is often mistaken as such, among other things like love, fear, want, like, and hate. But it is not a feeling. You are right though, they are forms of emotion.
The difference is that the latter are psychologically produced, these emotions are not intrinsic to what it is attributed to, rather, it is developed by the subject, the person. They are controllable reactions, voluntary reactions, yes, you can control them. You can choose to be scared or not, you can choose to love or not. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. You may say it sounds so simple, that's because it is simple. All it takes is will power. Will to be afraid and you will. Will to love and you will. Will to be happy and you will. Just as you can will to let yourself get affected by whatever people say about you, you can will not to be affected. Just as you can choose to yearn for a person missing in your life, you can choose not to yearn for that person. You always have a choice.
It is our heart that allows us to live life to its fullest, but it is the mind that guards us, that we may let our lives roam for as full as possible. May you always find peace in your heart. You deserve it.
Very well said, ~somebody~. Only I just can't agree.
ReplyDelete