Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile.

Been wondering about how intuition works and if it's a natural thing. It is not. I should know. And it's the same reason I couldn't understand why I get to have feelings of something that's happening to a person close to me even if that person is far away. It's kinda weird and freaky (I must say).

But, unfortunately (or fortunately?) ...I have it. I am one of the intuitives. Thing is I dunno how to handle this kind of gift. It could be an advantage, actually, only if I know how to make use of it. Only I don't.

There will be instances when I'd get to feel something. Sometimes, I'd suddenly feel so down and low. For no apparent reason, that is. So, am kind of annoyed with myself. Why not? There are lotsa things to do and your chest will suddenly feel so heavy. Who wouldn't be annoyed?!

Like just recently, I was supposed to do articles (for Lila). Then, I felt this heavy feeling in my chest. Not that my breast had grown bigger, ok?! I dunno. I can't even tell why. If only I could.

You know how it feels to suddenly feel so sad and anxious or even extremely uneasy over something unknown?! Dammit! It's weird and I hate myself for that. Of course, anyone's initial reaction to this kind of feeling would be irritation. I was damn irritated that I was feeling that way.

The next day, I found out that dad was confined to the hospital. It's only then that I understood what was the feeling about. But, to make sure, I had to ask mom when did dad start feeling ill. She told me that they noticed something wrong with dad the day before he was sent to the hospital.

...Which was the day I felt that inexplicable feeling!

I get to have feelings about things. Grrr. Now, to be able to put it to good use so I won't be sulking the whole day over something I don't understand, I think I should learn to know how to read intuitions. And not just live with it as if it's not affecting me. Cause it does! BIG TIME.

After reading a few articles about intuition, I found out that intuitives are sensitive to "energy" released by people. Most intuitives would even absorb them. Like me. This explains why I get to suddenly feel so bad upon seeing someone in pain. Even if that person is not saying or showing anything that gives me an idea of what he's feeling.

..I dunno but how can I feel an energy coming from a person who's far away? Worse... not knowing why. Like my dad. I felt there was something wrong but I dunno what. I can't explain where's it coming from. I only know there's something wrong.

At that time, I didn't know it was anything about my family. What's playing in my head during that time was there could be a very unpleasant energy around me. Which, made me dismiss the idea that there could be a deeper reason behind that unexplained despair inside me.

Then.. the day after dad was confined to the hospital (in the ICU section), I had a strange dream. Dada was talking to me in my dream; telling me that dad was already dead.

I forced myself to get up. My heart was throbbing real hard and fast. I was also trembling. It was 6 in the morning. I had not enough sleep the night before. Really weird. I had to rush to the hospital to check.

I reached the hospital fast and he was just ok. What was the dream about? When should I take a dream as an intuition? Cause I've had several dreams that were actually intuitions and I just dismissed all. How can intuition help me?!

I hope to know.

Problems won't stop coming. Somehow, I am losing grip. But, I know it's unfair. Life is not just about problems. There are still so many reasons to go on.

Like my cute stuffs. Hehe. They make me smile somehow. Petty reasons, yes. But, they represent events and people that give meaning to my life. So, maybe with these stuffs I could keep myself smiling amidst the troubles I am currently facing.

Yeah...Please do. And help me reach my ultimate dream. Puhleeeeaaaaseee?!!!
...And then lock me inside and never let me go. I promise to be good.

Bratz Notebook!!! *wink wink*
Just one of my collections. I loooovvvveeee notebooks!





Another one!





My PINK diary. *big smile*

This is where I write everything that happens to me in a day. Not really a burn book. It's too cute to be a burn book. I just write down events and my emotions there.

My Old diary.

I made the design in front. *wink* I used to make greeting cards. A few are just sitting around the house so when I was given the blue notebook, I made use of the card to paste on the notebook. It was a plain royal blue notebook. And I don't like royal blue. So, I did something about it. It made me happy. *smile*

PINK bedroom slippers recently bought for a cheap-o price.
I hate it when people violate pinkie by stepping on it. GRRR




Am wearing them! Cutie! AWwww





The Richie Riches!





Richie Rich Bear





Cheap-O slippers...




Purple optical mouse

FYI: They're not on auction, ok? Just took photos of them to divert my attention from so many pre-occupations.

If you don't find them cute, just keep your mouths shut and save your opinions. Just give it to me. I think they're cute so I posted them here. Made my day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was not able to watch the NCAA games last Wednesday. But I was able to watch the last minute of the 2nd game -- San Beda vs. Mapua. Hehe. The San Beda Red Lions won (of course) by 10 points, 87-77. Their 3rd win for the season.

Grrr...I hope am telling the right information. Anyway, Kelvin dela Pena, at the last 2.5 seconds on the clock, was fouled out. Very unwise act. They could've been defeated with less point lead.

Well, I can't really judge as I was only able to watch a very brief part of the game. Maybe, he has valid reasons for acting that way. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, everyone who did not watch the game. Hehe. Like me.

Thanks to Inbound Pass, I got some helpful information. So, the MIT Cardinals were able to take the lead. An 8 point lead during the third quarter, which was stolen back by the Red Lions before the third quarter ended. Whew!

I've always thought that Mapua could be a threat with Kelvin dela Pena playing. But I didn't know that Coach Koy Banal's son, Jonathan, will also contribute greatly to the team's performance. He finished with 15 points next to the leading scorer Sean Co who had 18 for that game.

Samuel Ekwe did not play for this game after the incident during their game with the UPHD. But, obviously, it did not affect the team's preformance. Yehey!

Alamajal did good and so did Menor, Escobal and Marcelo (who was the game's Accenture's High Performer).

Here's the stat:

SBC (87) – Aljamal 21, Menor 13, Lanete 12, Gamalinda 11, Escobal 10, Marcelo 10, Tecson 3, Maggay 3, Hermida 2, Taganas 2.

MIT (77) – Co 18, Banal 15, Del Rosario 13, Dela Peña 11, Acosta 6, Pascual 6, Sumalinog 4, Guillermo 4, Mazo 0.

Quarter Scores: 27-21; 42-38; 64-64; 87-77

UPHD defeated CSB, 62-52. Also by 10 points.

Haven't checked last July 6's games. *sigh*

Pinoy Big Brother Season 2 is over.

Yes, Beatriz Saw was Pinoy Big Brother Season 2 Big winner. After four months of tough challenges, fun, misunderstandings and longing to being with their families again, the four remaining house mates finally moved out of the Pinoy Big Brother House last night.

Wendy Valdez, being the most controversial because of her sharp tongue and temperamental mood, had to face the audience's disgust. She heard loud "boos" as she appears from the back stage.

I dunno where she drew (got) that confidence, actually. Or it could be strong fighting spirit (?). She didn't mind the crowd anymore and went on talking. If it were me, I won't be able to talk anymore and would just run away. But she is not me. She is a very tough person.

Yeah, she had gone through a lot. So does everybody else, I must say. I had gone through a lot too. Maybe our only difference is our way of dealing with things.

(I just found out that she joined Bb. Pilipinas 2005.)

The fight with Gee-Ann and Bea and her whining were really petty. I even think it's her way of getting noticed. If all the rest had shown the best of their attitudes, she did otherwise. With this in mind, "the antagonist will always be remembered" ... like in soaps. Yes, kontrabidas are hated but the more they are hated, the more they are talked about, right?

Well, I can't tell this as a fact. Who knows what's behind her actions and reactions. Or her real motive. Everyone is aiming for the gold. Everyone would dare do anything to get it. I, too, would. I mean, come on! Why, winning is everything!

And come on now. Wendy is intelligent. You can tell with the way she argues. She thinks a lot. It could really be a tactic. For whatever reason, I think if people really find her a despicable person, then they better just stop making her more popular than she already is. The more the name "Wendy" is said, the more we are giving her reasons to succeed.

Who knows? I mean, she can't really be that bad. But, again...just like in telenovelas... everything being exaggerated. Emphasis is the key word. The fault or bad must be highlighted so the good will shine.

I don't know but, I think, PBB has become a non-reality thing. It looks pretty much a scripted "reality" show. Why? Because of how things had turn out. Not that they really gave the house mates scripts. They just instructed them to follow a certain format. Something like that.

Why did I say this? Because the show has to survive. Y'know television stations competition. And in order to do this, they have to keep it from becoming boring. Same things over and over. Doing the tasks, bum around, talk, sleep, cook...basic things. There has to be something else. Let's give it color. Deviate from the routine.

Although, the staff of PBB had to disappoint the majority, Wendy had to stay for until the final night. This is for the rating. Like what I said, the more we hate...the more we love to witness what else is going on.

I am not a fan of PBB, but I found myself hooked following it -- what will transpire and how things will turn out. How Wendy snatched the 3rd place from Gee-Ann? That, we will never know. But, if the majority really hated (hates) Wendy, then why the hell she got 1.2 million votes?!! Such a wonder.

WENDY. The girl's a fighter. The girl didn't care anymore how people would perceive her. All she cared about was to reach her destination. A perfect epitome of a go-getter. We must not forget where she came from. Not that am judging her, ok? But, let's face it. If you have that chance of reaching the top, would you still hold back? NO! That's stupidity.

Wendy was just practical. Whatever her reasons are, I think we all just have to see beyond our disgust. Frankly, I hated her for being such a bully. For being manipulative. Here's my idea about the fight...

She was upset that both girls wanted her out. That caused all the trouble. The friendship she was expecting from the two is her own definition of friendship. Gee-Ann assured her that she loves her and even said she was her idol. But, as far as I can remember, Gee-Ann did not say she will kiss-her-ass. This is competition. Friendship is beyond everything else. So, I couldn't believe Wendy when she was nagging about them voting for her to leave the house.

Wendy felt as if she was stabbed on the back. Truth is, she was not. So happened that the two girls had to choose who to vote out. If, in case, the two girls missed to tell her their real reasons for choosing her to leave...that's already their problem. But, to act immaturely and (sorry for the pun) boorish...it's just so despicable.

...but, yeah, after giving it some thought...it couldn't be just her temperamental side. Being the big winner is a very important factor. Again, tactic...strategy.

She was on the Buzz this afternoon pleading her case. She can accept all what people will throw at her, but she wants us to spare her family. And yes, she's right in saying, it's not her siblings' fault that she's their sister and it's not her mother's fault that she's her mother's daughter. I think the family deserves respect.

Am not sure, though, if the crowd really booed her family. Or her alone. But, I just observed that she has completely transformed from being a wolf to being a sheep when she appeared on the Buzz. Perhaps, she really realized her mistakes. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

As for Gee-Ann, I feel her. We're pretty much alike. Like me, Gee-Ann used to be a hermit too. Dependent on other people. Drawing strength from others. Like me, she was also scared to go out of her own world. But because of PBB, she changed. There was a very significant and noticeable improvement in her personality and character. Yehey for her!

...so even if she wasn't the big winner, it's like she is still the winner.

Both Bea and Mickey deserve the prize but, of course, there can only be one big winner so...congratulations to Beatriz Saw.

And congratulations to the 3 others:

Mickey Perz
Wendy Valdez
Gee-Ann Abraham

Oh...you think I am ending this blog now, huh?! Not just yet. I have to mention how Toni Gonzaga lost her wit while interviewing the Slovenian house mate.

She had to end the short interview because they're already running out of time. So, she said...

"We still want to talk to you but the time here is not so much..."

...like huh?! LOL

Sorry Toni Gonzaga fans if you will ever hate me for including this part. hehehe... Well, it only proves that she is, just like us, human! fwahahaha

Too bad I don't have that video.

Note: This is not a Wendy hate blog, ok?!

NCAA is my seasonal hobby

The San Beda Red Lions were again victorious, and this time, over the University of Perpetual Help Dalta Systems - Altas yesterday with 24 point lead, 86-62.



FIRST GAME

First Quarter. I'd say twas a boring game, although both teams showed tight defense. However, the Red Lions were able to outwit the defense play of the Altas which was evident especially during the first quarter. 1-2-1-1 was the Red Lions' defense play. Until the 4 minute mark, the Altas remained scoreless, 12-0.

The Altas made their first 2 points at 3:06 mark. Last minute of the quarter, Tecson and Maggay each made 3-point shots as if twas an insult that the Altas were able to score. A buzzer beater was made by Marcelo with Hermida's assist at the end of the 1st quarter.

Second Quarter. Bauzon and Misa were indeed key losses and this was felt in this game. The Altas were dependent on Kong to at least lower the lead. However, after several attempts, the Altas made no points still. This is due to the Red Lions very tight defense play. At 7:53 mark, the Altas score remained 8.

I have to complain about the clock (which was brought by 83rd NCAA sponsor, Samsung). It's kind of annoying that it constantly disappears esp. that home viewers (like me) were keeping track of time. I hope, if ever I'd have to watch the game on TV again next time, the clock will show permanently to the lower left side of the screen so I won't have to always ask Pokeeh for the remaining time.

...and yeah, the score board too! Goodness! Hello! It's the score that we, viewers, are after so please, please have it posted right away after a team made a score. Duh!

Going back...Kong made three points at 2:45 on the clock, which I thought could've revived the team. Until two turn overs were called for theRed Lions after a time out. Kong, again, made another 3, which brought the Red Lions' lead down to 17.

Third Quarter. Samuel Ekwe was sent out of the game after kicking Lee who was standing in front of him. The former was lying on the floor on his back. This was in response to Lee's very dangerous move, which could've caused Ekwe a very bad injury or even death.

Ekwe was on the air when Lee positioned himself under him. Now, this should've been a technical or a deliberate for Lee. In fact, Lee was supposed to have been sent out of the game, too. In stead, only a foul was called for him.

(I know the committee was just trying to teach the young players to maintain composure, patience and self-control. But, no one has the right to blame him for reacting that way. It was indeed a dirty move by Lee.

Ok, I know I sound like defending Sam. And yes, I am. Not because I am pro - Lions. It was clear. There was a filthy tactic. I hope the NCAA commissioners would still look into it.)

This scene somehow made the rest of the Lions emotional, which caused most of them erratic. Now, the question would be, will Samuel Ekwe be out of the game ONLY for this game or til the next game? Next game will be versus MIT.

Lee was fouled out the same quarter. Of course, I was glad. Justice was done.

Liaz, however, fired up during the quarter's final minute as he released 2-3 point shots, which put the lead down to 15, 65-40.

Although, the Lions' defense weakened a bit, they were still able to end the quarter with a 22 point lead, 67-45.

Fourth Quarter. Ronald Reyes of the UPHD, started the quarter with a 3 point shot. Lead was down to 17 in favor of the Red Lions. They were specifically instructed by coach, Frankie Lim to focus the defense on Kong. Stop him before he even gets a hold of the ball.

At 6:15 mark, Reyes made another 3 points.

The Altas coaching staff forgot to keep track of their players' individual personal fouls, so for the secondth time, another player was fouled out and this time, it was Salanga. A free throw was given to Marcelo.

The lead was back to 20 in favor of the Lions after a jumper by Gamalinda and fast break-lay up by Rogemar Menor. Bad luck must have sticken the Altas in this game. Failed baskets, turn-overs and loss of key players. Kong was also fouled out.

The Altas were motivated to at least bring the lead down as winning was already impossible. However, the Altas had a hard time executing their coach's instruction.

Regomar Menor had a cut on his left eyebrow, which brought him to the bench. He was just ok but the cut needed a stitch. I only can hope that he'd be able to play in the next game.

Losing both Ekwe and Menor might do the Lions bad especially they will be playing against Mapua on July 4 (Wednesday).

The Red Lions wisely used their time when the clock was under 3 mins. Pong Escobal was chosen the Accenture's High Performer of the Game.

Quarter scores: 24-8; 43-24; 67-45; 86-62

SECOND GAME

Letran Knights had beaten the Blazers in the second game, 92-81.

I had a brief cat nap so I missed parts of the first half. I was able to take note Jazul's 3-point play at 3:30 mark, which took the Knights to a 4 point lead over the Blazers.

The Blazers were able to grab the lead (a 10-point lead) during the first half, but not for long. The Knights were resilient enough to take the lead back. Faundo was the leading scorer for The Knights and David for the Blazers.

CSB was able to bounce back when the scores tied at 51-51. But, the Knights won't really give it to the Blazers. Under 4 minutes on the clock in the 3rd quarter, the Knights got the lead again, 4 points.

Montecastro of CSB made a shot that made the scores tie once again, 64-64. Twas, indeed, a very interesting tight game.

CSB's coach, Caloy Garcia did a good job at keeping his players motivated despite the strength demonstrated by the Knights. However, the game is really in favor of Letran. Faundo was the leading scorer during the 3rd quarter with 18 points, which put the Knights ahead by 6 points.

The lead went up (10 points) at the start of the fourth quarter in favor of Letran. Faundo's 3-point play significantly helped with another 3 from Melegrito, which brought the lead to 15.

Quarter scores: 22-22; 44-42; 74-68; 92-81

83rd NCAA Stats

TEAM STANDING

Team Win Loss
CSJL - 2 0
SBC - 2 0
CSB - 1 1
SSC-R - 1 1
JRU - 1 1
UPHD - 0 2
MIT - 0 2


Next games:

July 04 (Wednesday)
at The Arena, San Juan
2PM CSB vs UPHD
4PM MIT vs SBC


Note: Sorry, I can't remember the first names. Hehe

83rd NCAA Opens

And the 83rd NCAA opening ceremony went on last Saturday (June 23) without me. Haha. As if am a VIP, huh?!

I could've insisted but tickets were sold out. Not surprisingly. Everyone's eyes are on the San Beda Red Lions who were last season's champions. During the first few hours of the event, the entire place was filled with red. I mean, people wearing red. Hihi. Just went to show that the Lions have lotsa supporters not only Bedistas/Bedans but students and fanatics from different schools as well.

It's sad to not really feel the spirit surrounding the place...To just sit in front of the television. You can't feel the real thing. *frowns*

Same as the previous years, it was held at the Araneta Coliseum. This year, it's the Jose Rizal University who hosted the ceremony. As expected, the event began with lotsa introductions and performances by selected students from participating schools. Rizo was also introduced as the season's official mascot.

First game was the San Beda Red Lions vs. JRU Heavy Bombers. As expected, the Red Lions defeated the Heavy Bombers, 91-69. Ended with a 22 point lead.

The Lions almost lost their momentum after a technical timeout in the first quarter. They were not able to make any points during the last few minutes.

Same with the second quarter but this time both teams made no points during the last 40 seconds. The commentators, however, did mention that Samuel Ekwe's the dominant scorer so far for that quarter.

It was in the 3rd quarter that Pong Escobal was able to make his first 3 point shot. The tight defense given by both teams was evident as no point was made again until before the 3 minute mark. It was a 21 point lead for the Red Lions with just two minutes in the ball game. The Bombers were able to bring down the lead after Nocom gave two (2) 3point shots during the 3rd quarter. It's in the same quarter that Ekwe made the smashing alley hoop - dunk, which was also Gatorade's Turning Point of the Game. Yousif Aljamal also made a 3 point shot (assist by Rejomar Menor).

The Heavy Bombers gave a tighter defense in the 4th quarter. Nocom released 2 more 3 point shots and another one from Sena. Despite the Bombers good outside sniping with at least 10 - 3 point shots made, the Lions still proved their dominance maintaining a 20 point lead.

Samuel Ekwe was the Accenture's High Performer of the Game.

Scores:

San Beda Red Lions - 91
Escobal 17, Aljamal 17, Menor 15, Hermida 14, Ekwe 14, Maggay 4, Marcelo 3, Lanete 3, Taganas 2, Gamalinda 2, Tecson 0

JRU Heavy Bombers - 69
Nocom 21, Wilson 12, Pradas 8, Cagoco 7, Sena 6, Hayes 6, Se 4, Agas 2, Lituania 2, Cunanan 0, Kabigting 0, Bulangis 0

Quarter Scores: 21-15, 41-26, 64-44, 91-69

2nd game was Mapua Institute of Technology vs. Colegio de San Juan de Letran. It was a tight game for the two teams. But at the end, Letran got the upper hand and defeated MIT with only 4 point lead, 84-80.

The 2nd game's Accenture High Performer of the Game was Rafael Jazul.

Letran - 84
Jazul 23, Daa 15, Gutilban 10, Quinday 7, Cabonse 6, Dangcal 5, Faundo 4, Guevarra 3, Ranises 3, Del Rosario 3, Melegrito 3, Reposar 2.

MAPUA - 80
Pascual 15, Dela Peña 13, Acosta 13, Del Rosario 12, Co 11, Banal 10, Guillermo 6, Palomique 0, Mazo 0.

Quarter Scores: 22-14, 34-33, 64-59, 84-80

I wasn't able to watch the 3rd game but thanks to Inboundpass I got the result of the game between San Sebastian College Recoletos vs. University of Perpetual Help Dalta System. SSC-R won the game by 3 points, 59-56.

Next game schedule for Wednesday (June 27) at The Arena:

2pm CSB vs MIT
4pm SSC-R vs JRU

The San Beda Red Lions will have a game against UPHD-S on Friday, June 29 same venue at 2pm.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

What makes me happy?

Little things can make me happy. I am not hard to please. Need a proof? Well, I just bought two pairs of slippers at a cheapo price. Ok, cheap is not a good term. Erase. "Economical" could be a better term.

No, I did not have to haggle. Come on now! The prices were really marked down.

I didn't know there are places (like MP) that sell very cut-rate products. I have two photos of slippers here. Guess how much are they.

How much is this pair of slippers?

grrr...it's dark!

Pick a guess.

How about this one?!

Dunno with you but I think everyone should be buying wisely. Slippers...we just step on it. Why should it really be expensive?

Ok, I am not questioning preferences, now. If you rather want a thousand worth of slippers, why the hell should I care? It is your money you are spending.

My point is, with me, in stead of buying very expensive stuffs, I'd rather buy cheap ones that are of good quality and buy as many my money can buy. Practical, right?

I will be receiving too many raised eyebrows for sure. Or, expressions like, "yuck, she really meant that?!" Hypocrites!

In as much as everyone wants to maintain status quo (I included), there is just no point, though. Kind of messing the order of things. What the heck is the problem if one is not wearing branded clothes? Or, what the hell is wrong with eating fishballs? *glaring eyes*

Don't question me now. I don't eat a lot of foods because of allergy. Clear? But without allergy, I would eat fishballs! I would eat foods from "JolliJeep".

For goodness sakes! Why won't I, right?! Just like everyone, I want to save. I need to save. Only that option is not for me.

So, I am kind of raising my eyebrows, too, whenever I get to meet people who are too conscious about buying "original" branded stuffs. As if!

No matter how much your clothes are, those won't change the way you look. If you're freaking ugly, you will remain ugly. Nothing will change that.

I do believe that it's you who should be carrying the clothes and not the clothes carrying you. It's just impossible!

There are people who give excuses like, "am already ugly so I better do something about it." Again, no thousands of worth clothing could ever make you become (or feel) beautiful. Just look around and you'll see there are lotsa not expensive clothes to buy that would look good on you. Believe me.

...and the only solution to ugliness is confidence but definitely not conceit! Admit it that you're not as good looking as everybody else and feel ok about it. It is not your fault, anyway.

Come on now! If all of us have the choice, we all could've chosen to have the prettiest faces, right? Only that's not the case.

Well, if you've got more than enough bread to spend, why not? Buy as many expensive and branded clothes you want. It is your choice. This is just my personal view.

Thing is, yeah, we get to buy every stuff. The latest gadgets, etc. Now what? These things can only give us temporary happiness. Being able to buy whatever we dream of buying only feeds our desire to get more. It kills our contentment.

...worse, it causes greed and envy.

This is just my personal observation and opinion, ok? Am moving on to another story (ranting) now.

GRRR How I hate small-minded people! (Here I go again whining...can't help it.)

Couldn't really believe how mean and rude people can get. I gave it my best to enjoy my stay in Manila. Who would think I'd end up strolling around Star City?

Yes, I was at Star City. I wasn't really expecting it has gone from bad to worse. I think the amusement sections inside the malls are far better than Star City.

...and because I previously had an appointment, I was dressed well. Without really expecting that the place was like that. Ok, to give you a clear picture, people were wearing very simple clothes. As if they're home. I also didn't know that the place looks like a "peria".

I enjoyed it there, yes. I had fun with the games where you can get huggable stuffed toys. Only I was only able to get the small items which I called Richie Riches. Grrr!!! Imagine, I had to spend like about 200PhP up just to get one of those very tiny stuffs!!! Geesh!

...and just watching people enjoying the rides was enough. Really, I will never ride those! Goodness!!! so, I just yelled with them from a certain distance.

Twas almost fun except that I got none of the huge huggable toys. Frustrating!

...and until twas time to go home.

On the way to the exit... was mesmerized by the many cheap stuffs you can buy there. Only, those two heavyset and haglike women (forgive me for the pun) really made it sure I'd hear their intention of insult.

They were a couple of feet away from me. They were discussing about Iwa Moto who was also in the place. One of them loudly spoke these words:

"Si Iwa Moto nakafatigue pants lang...'tong si Iwa Iwa...naka 'pink' high heels pa!"

This is Iwa Moto, btw...

Come on now!!! They really compared me to her?! Whatda?!! What for? The heck am a lot prettier than her... Grrr... Just look at me and see for yourself!

See what am talking about?! Absurd!

Was affected, yes. Why not? I was the only one wearing "pink" high heeled stilletos around.

Next scene was me pulling their hair while cursing them with all the nasty words I know!

Do you really believe I did that? Of course, I did not. The scene was really like ...me dumbfounded and couldn't even say what I was meaning to say properly. Couldn't believe how people can be such jerks!

Gecko was trying to get me to talk cause all I could say was, "humps!"

Twas only inside the car that I was able to clearly tell about what happened. And was so so hurt. Just can't conceive how loutish people can get.

Come on now! So, what if I was dressed better than Iwa Moto?! She is she and I am I. There's no point in comparing.

I know just what those freaks were trying to say, of course. Am no dumbo. They were only trying to tell me that I am no one and Iwa Moto is a star, which gives me no right to dress that way!

Duh! Moronics! Where the hell did their brains go?! Why should they be so bitter that there are just people who dress better than the others?!!! Come on now! I wasn't trying to prove something. As if I know there will be celebrities there. Whatdha?!!!

Yeah, I have to admit I was not dressed properly for the location. But, like what I said, I had a previous appointment. We thought of going some place to have fun. Should I really have to explain everything to everyone so they'd stop raising their eyebrows?! *glaring eyes* Can't even show you a photo of the place cause going there was not really part of the plan.

Problem with most people, they're too envious and because there's nothing that they can do about things, they just bully around. Grrrr!!! How I detest bullies! Why do they even exist? *&%#$!!!!

Those ignoramus really ruined my night! Why the hell do they care if it's what I was wearing?! I won't question them if I was wearing very provocative clothes. I wasn't wearing two piece swim wear for crying out loud!

...and I didn't even question why they're so fugly! Live a life for goodness sakes!

I can't let go of instances like this one cause, I can't put up with pea-brains! I don't see a point why they have to lord over someone. And come to think of it. It's really not about me dressed inappropriately. It's about their personal issues. They know for a fact that they can't wear something like that. Come on now! If only they can, they would.

Yes, I am damn certain of what I am saying. Have seen this before. Have had the same experience long long before. Pretty much the same thing. Was wearing a mini floral skirt, which girls scoffed at. A week after, saw them wearing the same thing already!

Grrr...Don't gimme &#%@$ anymore! If you people have personal issues...same with me! Live a life just like what am doing. This is me and if you can't handle it then shoo!

...and yeah. Keep your big mouths shut! Please please I beg you to not display your meatheads. I mean, isn't it already obvious?! Disgusting!

Yeah, I must say I am still passionate about telling you this story. It's just too ridiculous to let pass.

So, I can only apologize for the mean words.

Anyway, those little Richie Riches made me a bit happy. And that chance of touring Star City, I'd say was still something. Besides, there's no place I can go to without half-bakeds, anyway.


Current state: trying to get over. Am telling you, with someone like me, it's just so hard to take the truth about the world. Am still such a hermit!

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Took another online test yesterday. This one involved colors. I was shown a set of colors and the instruction was to click on all the colors in any order I wish. So, I did (without really knowing why).

I actually thought it will give me a personality profile. Surprisingly, it gave me details of my present condition. It also provided me with the present problems I am currently facing.

Amazingly, it did give an accurate information about what is going on within me. Sleek!

The detail is shown below...

Paper+Tiger took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a way of escape from all that oppresses her ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I made a quick review. Well, it said that the result was my personality. The way I see it, however, it's just the present condition I am in.

Anyway, I almost couldn't believe I was reading it. Yes, it did help. And I just hope to be able to bring back my resilience or I might just completely lose it.

Nuf of the quiz...

Binkie made me realize some things. We talked about my dad. It's Father's Day on Sunday (June 17). So, I kinda remembered my dad.

Inch by inch I am understanding my dad. Why is he like that and all. Binkie suggested that I better do something about it. I mean, to help my dad become open to us (his family). Yeah, right. He has been a loner. Such a loner.

Actually, been thinking and planning about this for years now. Only I didn't know how.

How by just talking with someone who really listens one can clearly understand things that used to be vague.

I figured some things about my dad with Binkie. It really is something having someone to discuss things with. And probably this is the same reason why dad remained aloof. He had none. No one dared invading the box where he keeps himself.

We have a lot in common. And I guess we have the same personality. I have been constantly observing myself and each time... I'd see dad in me.

There is this one (out of the many) painful conversation I had with dad when I was younger. It caused me so much inferiority (and not to mention pain). I kept it to myself and became bitter.

Just like any other student, I aspired to land a job that would make me wealthy. Someone told me about working as a stewardess. So, I had to ask dad for his opinion. It's also another way of letting him know of my plans.

In stead of receiving encouragement, his words put me down. I dunno if I should even make mention of his answer (like verbatim). What? For the sake of getting sympathy. No. I don't find it necessary.

His words were rather harsh. I think this statement should be enough. Plus he had to compare me to my two sisters. It was totally OUCH! It kinda made me feel damn inferior and insignificant.

But the talk with Binkie...triggered my deeper thoughts. Made me figure out that dad, just like me, can see potentials in people. He saw my potentials. He also had foreseen my weaknesses. This world is too harmful for me. And I do not belong to the world. He only tried protecting me from what harm the world might cause me.

Guys are normally not good at expressing their thoughts in the best and clear way they should. Perhaps, dad too, failed to say things in a way he should've. So, he got me badly hurt.

Now, I blame myself for not understanding this long time ago. Like, for years, been thinking and re-thinking "why?" And it is only now that things are becoming clear.

Dad is me and me is dad. We're pretty common. And more than anyone, I should be the one to understand him.

Well, I still can't understand his being scanty, though. And I think I never will.

We have undergone totally different experiences. Perhaps, that's the only thing that makes us a bit different, in terms of dealing with situations and problems. But we are just the same.

...and I believe, this is the same reason why I had never become angry at him.

Not to justify my actions, I think everything happened for the best. I left home and it was meant to happen. Not for anything else but for me to unravel the mystery behind dad.

It is Father's Day on Sunday. (Should I really mention this twice?) Binkie told me to start doing my move. Dad needs someone to talk to him. Just like I need someone to talk to me. Someone who will be persistent enough to get me to talk. Dad never found that person.

This is the challenge I am faced with now. To be persistent enough to get him to talk. To assure him that I understand him completely.

How can we just forget that just like us, other people also have needs within them? When we're hurt, we get to overlook the needs of others. As if the world is just our own.

Hell, no. People need us.

Our parents love us. That is for a fact. Only, different people have different ways of loving. Dad loves me.

I can't anymore remember when but some months (or a year) after I left the house (maybe)... mom told me that dad was always standing by the gate as if waiting for someone (for me).

My heart had hardened by the overwhelming pain from that one big fight with dad 4 years ago (midnight of February 2003). But my heart broke when mom told me about dad waiting for me everyday. Sincerely.

I just can't go back there anymore. I have made a decision to live on my own. And I believe this is for the best. But I am not giving up on understanding and trying to change dad. There is always hope.

In this life, I might not be able to completely understand everything exactly how I should. My dad included. Am still trapped in the past, I must say. My life can never move on smoothly unless I work things out with myself and the issues I have within.

Dad, he is misunderstood. Whatever his reasons are for being the way he is, I assure him that forever I will keep the same respect I have for him. And I will work that my siblings will do the same.

I may never have expressed how much, but I respect and I look up to dad with all the person I am. All that I am now is because of him. Because he tried his best to make me a better person. Now, I can say that I am proud of what I have become not for my own decision. But because I have a dad like him.

I owe a lot to him and to my mom who has consistently been looking after me even now that I have started to live on my own. No matter what happens, they are still the reason for my existence.

...I love my dad.

Happy father's day to all fathers in the world!


Current mood: Mushy and sentimental.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It is a wise father that knows his own child."

"Role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents. Parents are handing life's scripts to their children, scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the children's lives."

"Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

Flashback...

I spent 9 precious hours at Araneta Coliseum.

Hippo told me a month earlier about NCAA's 82nd season opening. Told myself there was no way I'd miss it. Been thinking and finding ways to just make sure Araneta won't miss my presence. For once I had chosen to ignore responsibilities without guilt. The ticket reached my hand a week earlier.

Saturday morning. First thing I did was sent a text message to FDR for heads up. "No ~Paper Tiger~ will be coming to work today." Forget about what reason I gave. It's half-truth, I swear. *wink* So, the cab headed to Cubao and not to Makati. Not by mistake. *grins*

Next thing, I found myself lost in the noisy crowd (which almost caused me tantrums as my head started throbbing). Good thing there was no need to wait in the long line at the entrance. How I hate waiting!

Hippo and I found ourselves lost searching for our seats. When we finally did, there were some stuffs already occupying them. GRRR!!! Which meant, we had to wait standing. That giant box of popcorn kept me calm, though. Surprisingly calm, that is. Why? Well, I was enjoying everything. The loud noises and the bickering of rival teams. How I missed them so much. bwahahaha!!! The name calling and insults...haha!! It didn't take long and we're put.

We were in the patron section. Thought I liked it?! NO! I didn't think it's the perfect position but well, I must say good enough to clearly see the faces of the athletes while in action. Unlike the previous years, I had barely seen the athlete's faces because we were on the lower box section. And they looked like runts from that distance. This time, I was able to see some of the players face-to-face. Boy, they're big! I used to think they're just some feet taller than some of my tall friends. What was I thinking?!!

Present...

Well, there are still so many things to tell but I'd rather just mention about Sam Ekwe. He was introduced as San Beda Red Lion's new recruit. Standing 6'8" tall, he's such a threat to all the other teams. He was still trying to get the feel of playing the real thing during the opening day, so he was still kinda awkward but hey now... SBC Red Lions were the 2006 NCAA champions!

It was really End 28 at 82! Yey! Was so happy.

The 2006 NCAA opening happened last year, June 24. How about this year? Am so looking forward to it. Except the long talkies during the ceremony. Will I be spending 9 long hours again at Araneta? Let's see about that.

Come on now! I mean to have a photo with the Red Lions. Maybe with my fave players. *wink*

Too bad, Angeles won't be playing anymore this year. Or am I wrong? Oh well. Am just so excited.

And of course, how can I forget the Little Indians?!!! *chuckles*

Grrr how do I post YouTube here???

Current mood: Working hard to stay happy.

I wanna be somewhere I belong

... I had nothing to say and I get lost in the nothingness inside of me. I was confused and I let it all out to find that I’m not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me). But all that they can see the words revealed is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel.

...Nothing to lose. Just stuck, hollow and alone and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.


I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real. I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long. Erase all the pain till it’s gone.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along -- Somewhere I belong...

And I’ve got nothing to say. I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face. I was confused.
Looking everywhere only to find that it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I; what do I have but negativity. ’Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything till I break away from me. I will break away. I'll find myself today.

....................

Most of the time, I am observant. Just quietly looking around. Trying to figure out why people do the things they do. I always ponder on reasons why many people are mean and cruel.

I am the type of person that requires reasons for things. Focusing more on the motive behind an action.

Oh well...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. Know a good thing when you see it and don't let it slip away. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy. They just said, it would be worth your while.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

I guess I must agree. Just like what the Bible says, “Sorrow is better than laughter…it may sadden your face but sharpens your understanding”.

Two quotes support one truth.

Many people refuse to frown even just for a moment. They hate when they see another person lonely. They’d sigh and say, “that’s too dramatic”. But life is full of drama. No matter how hard we deny it.

Am not talking of drama like that in the soaps. Anyone in their right mind can tell it’s a stretching of the truth. That is not the kind of drama I am talking about.

We all get into this state where we suddenly become surly. For a number of reasons we do. Trying to conceal it makes it worse because it’s hard to hide something that is overwhelming you.

Concealers don’t usually work when eye bags are already that prominent. So as our emotion. Sometimes, we just have to let it show.

For the first time, I was able to say something I really do mean inside without inhibitions. But right after I said them, I just had to take them back because I almost forgot that every person has his/her own strengths and weaknesses. There are things and situations that may be easy for someone but not for me. And vice versa.

Guess, there's just really no standard.

Current Mood: A little irritated but doing well.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons.

It really amazes me how online tests give very accurate results. Especially personality type tests. I have tried like several personality tests and all gave me accurate and same results. How about that?

No. This is not just a hobby or a past time. I seek to discover more about myself. I seek to understand myself better. But, it's fun so...why don't you try taking tests too. I mean, surely you have idle times too. Make use of every second of your time, then. *wink*

Here are the results of the "tests" I finished today. hahaha

Warning: You might want to get a pillow and a blanket... zzzzz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Color Is Your Aura?

We don't need a psychic to tell us that you're giving off a Crystal vibe. That shimmering, iridescent aura reveals your sensitive, introspective nature. A soft-spoken romantic at heart, you like to think of life as a fairy tale — complete with a happily ever after ending. But when you occasionally misplace your rose-colored glasses, your idealism can take a pounding. That's when you retreat inward, spending meditative time by yourself to restore your sometimes-too-fragile outlook on the world. Because of your delicate sensibilities, you prefer people and activities that don't challenge your ways and views. But once you find a kindred spirit, you're fiercely loyal — friends 'till the end. Quiet and gentle, you're a thoughtful soul with a shining light around you.


Paper Tiger's SPENDING STYLE

...you're a Giver

In your life, you probably try to be as generous as possible, and this extends to your attitudes toward money. You like to help others as much as you can, and you'd likely rather be seen as overly giving than stingy. People and organizations may seek you out for assistance, and you'd rather share than horde your cash. Instead of seeing money as a vehicle for excessive luxury or frivolous shopping sprees, you see money as a way to express appreciation, support, and caring.


What's behind your emotions?

...your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in Honesty

In other words, your commitment to leading an honest life, and your belief in the truth, directly affect how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.

For example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can share all your thoughts and feelings — good or bad. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in honesty and the range of emotions it triggers.


The Identity Test

Openness To Experience

Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative streak. Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions.

Conscientiousness

Your high score in the Conscientiousness category means that you feel a strong compulsion towards duty and responsibility. You are probably a very organized person, and pride yourself on your professional competence. Work is a very high priority in your life, and defines your vision of success. You have a careful attitude towards making decisions, and think them through carefully. With such a strong conscience, and a devotion to accomplishment, it's likely that you're considered extremely dependable.

Extraversion

Your low score in the Extraversion category indicates that your have an introverted social identity. Given the choice, you prefer keeping to yourself. Your independent nature is characterized by a reserved and steady demeanor. You keep to the background, and probably maintain a relatively quiet and inactive social life. Your social style earns you the reputation as somewhat aloof, because you don't care much for company. Your emotional state is quite reserved, and you are seldom known for qualities of exuberance.

Agreeableness

The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your high score indicates your tendency to forego your own desires for the sake of others - sometimes to a fault. You are probably known as a kind and modest person who is willing to overlook your own needs for the interest of the group. You believe in creating harmony among people, to the point where you can sometimes act a bit dependent. With your straightforward style of communication and your sentimental nature, this isn't hard for you. You tend to see the world by the light you cast - as honest and genuine.

Negative Emotionality

Negative Emotionality refers to your emotional reactivity. Your medium score means that you're someone who negotiates your emotions depending on your situation. Sometimes you may feel quite sensitive and emotional, while other times you may remain resilient to outside pressures. This quality of adaptation best describes your emotional character. You maintain a rational outlook, which is moderated by feelings. For example, you can sometimes feel sad, stressed, worried or embarrassed under the weight of a situation, but you are able to act quite calm and reserved, without yielding to the stress. Responsive, without being overly reactive, is the best way to describe you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Am still amazed. And probably, I won't stop answering more tests until I found an inaccurate one. hehehe

Answer the tests, too. See for yourself.

My heart was much to weak to make it on my own

Brought back an old hobby -- answering online tests. Another personality test again! hihi The result...read through...

You are exceptional and unique. Your quest in life is to identify exactly who you are and why you’re here. What’s important to you is the journey of self discovery, determining who you are today is not the same as who you’ll be tomorrow.

You resist being categorized and are quick to question any social standard that you sense someone imposing on you. Stereotypical gender roles always interest you and, in your mind, connect to issues that most other people would never even consider related.

You can “connect” with any individual person and practically read their mind, but you have a natural tendency to match your actions to the expectations you read from their mind and yearn for company that lets you truly, naturally be yourself. You struggle between letting yourself naturally match the sentiment of the group (which feels like putting on a façade) or letting your individuality shine, which may allow people to see how different you are.

You are particularly accepting of other people and have a special talent for seeing people’s true selves instinctively. It takes time for you to trust your gut instinct about people because even you don’t believe that someone could be so right about another person’s nature so quickly. This intuitive sense about what people are thinking (which is actually your hyper-attention to nonverbal cues) is your special talent. You may think it is available to everyone and that others just ignore it, but in truth others could never develop the skill to the level which comes naturally to you.

To you everything happens on a personal level. Your friends come to you for advice because they know that you’ll love them for who they are and put yourself in their shoes to look at the world. Your advice, although varied in delivery, usually boils down to “be true to yourself” and “listen to your heart.” You are also an excellent confidant because things told to you never return to anyone through the grapevine. You exude this quality so strongly that even strangers will sometimes spontaneously begin confiding their deepest secrets in you.

Despite all of that, you are not much of a talker. In fact, words sometimes trip you up because you prefer nonverbal communication. Unfortunately, most of the world is not as attuned to nonverbal communication the way you are, so your opinion can get overshadowed if a more outspoken person is part of the decision.

You focus more on nurturing other’s self esteem than any other type. As a result of this naturally caring nature your close friends often turn to you for moral support.

You are by far the most talented of all types at reading nonverbal cues. In your admirable attempts to convey a message diplomatically, those who aren't sensitive to inflection, tone, insinuations or body language sometimes simply do not get your message because they only receive the verbal half of what you said.

In the same way that you're the best at reading nonverbal cues, you're also the best at sending them. When you speak they miss the nonverbal half of your message, then they speak and transmit twice the message (verbal + nonverbal) which often gives away more than they intended but is sometimes carelessly inaccurate since they don’t send nonverbal cues as well as you do. When you're tempted to assign bias based on someone’s tone or other nonverbal cues it is wise to have them restate what they said and see if ignoring the careless, unintentional nonverbal half of their message lets the true meaning through.

If you have children your focus is making sure that your child has a strong self-image and high self-esteem. More than other parents it is important for you to be friends with your children.

You are more philosophical than most and passionately think about ethics and justice more than other types. It is when ethical issues come up in conversation that you most strongly sense that you are fundamentally different from other people. You become visually emotionally focused when these issues arise, while others easily laugh them off and switch topics to something trivial. To you, it seems that everyone should be passionate about ending racism, sexism and other social ills.

You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that rules or laws should be ignored. You think constantly about improving laws, and see that at a major avenue for advancing social change because you see legislation and rule creation as the consensus opinion of the group working together. For you the focus is seeing everyone working together in harmony.

You are a healer and probably give great massages and know what foods will make people happy again. You prefer to surround yourself with direct, honest, authentic people who let you reinvent yourself every time you meet. You want nothing more than for there to be peace and harmony in the world, and your actions clearly reflect that vision.

You are more strongly moved by poetry and artistic expression than any other type. You are interested in the finer points of different artistic mediums, having many complete and incomplete poems and stories in your head if not on paper.

Take the TEST too!

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It is not easy to live life sometimes and face the world with a smile...when you're crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself. Hold on to that strength that's still there. Know that tomorrow is still there. A new day with new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through...you'll come out a better person -- stronger...with more understanding and with a new pride in yourself from knowing you made it.

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Real life doesn't fit into little boxes that were drawn for it.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood.

...and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Cab fare to nowhere is what you are

...and you think you've asked something real and they think they've said something real. You think because you toss the word love around like a frisbee we're all going to get warm and sunny.

No. Something happens to some people. They love you so much they stop noticing you're there because they're so busy loving you. They love you so much ... their love is a gun ... and they keep firing it straight into your head.

...and I know one thing you learn when you grow up is that love is not enough. It's too much and not enough.

A tear shed can say more than a hundred words spoken.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you.

Do you ever wanna run away? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming.

No you don't know what it's like when nothing feels all right. You don't know what it's like to be like me.

To be hurt...
To feel lost...
To be left out in the dark...
To be kicked when you're down...
To feel like you've been pushed around...
To be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you.
No you don't know what it's like...
Welcome to my life!

Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies while deep inside you're bleeding...

No you don't know what it's like when nothing feels all right. You don't know what it's like to be like me.

No one ever lied straight to your face and no one ever stabbed you in the back. You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay...

I'm ready. Depression.

I walk a lonely road ...the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes but it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NO one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

Your EQ is 147

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

I took the same test some years ago and the result was the same -- 147. Nice.

"You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin."

Yes, I don't judge people quickly and I am very patient just do not hurt me emotionally.

Your Attitude is Better than 65% of the Population

You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you.

How's Your Attitude?

*sigh* wish people will see this in stead of judging me quickly. I may be quiet and aloof but I am a good listener and friend.

nuf of promoting myself! blah!

You Are 56% Phobic

You have a few more phobias than the average person. And you're sometimes developing new ones. Try to chill out and conquer some of your phobias. Facing your fears is the only way to get rid of them.

How Phobic Are You?

Yes. Am phobic!!! *sobs* am scared of loud noises (sounds) like wang wang (sirens). Grrr... You know how it feels when your heart throbs hard and fast? then you can hardly breathe properly...

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. Although you may have been hurt before, you tend to bring very little scars into new relationships. It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

I will have only one true love in my lifetime. hmmm... I wonder who could that be. Have I already found him? Is he just around me waiting for me to notice him?

I hope to know soon.

*sigh* oh well...

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

I think everything is true except the last one. hmmm...on the other hand, how can I really tell? I am still to find out, actually. hahaha

You Are 70% Psychic

You are pretty psychic. While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on. And although you're sometimes off on your predictions... You're more often right than wrong So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

Are You Psychic?

Yes, I am. It is freaky I know but...just try answering the quiz for you to discover if you are also one.

I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. Think I've forgotten this before.

It's extremely humid today. grrr! I've almost thrown tantrums.

Not to offend anyone but I frankly don't like summer. Yeah, can't do anything about it. You don't have to remind me. It's part of the country's climate, I know that.

But I just don't like summer!!! Just like those people I know who don't like rain.

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My thoughts
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Why is it that when you stress reality, people will think of you as pessimistic? Not because I listed my observation on what's going on around me already means I see things in a negative way. It only means that I see things as they are and I have accepted them wholeheartedly without bitterness.

Anyway... nuf of sad topics for the meantime. I started to hate having to explain to people that... for crying out loud... "I am not a manic depressive and am definitely not whining all the time!!!"

Why, is it wrong to express one's ideas and feelings for the moment? It so happened that I have this blog to write them down. *sigh* Again...this is my discretionary fiber(?)!!!!

To get through the day...I kept myself busy pimping my friendster account. How OC I had become again. But it's all worth it cause I was able to figure out how to eliminate those tables, anyway. *grins*

Here's the image of my friendster...

Of course, the one in the photo is not me. It's Shin Chan. The lead character in the cartoon I was sooo fond of watching back in college days.

...am trying to keep myself anonymous. As if! But, what's the point in using a pen name and then reveal your identity, right?

*Whew* Took me more than an hour to finally get the look that I like. How am so happy and satisfied!

Notice, it's not pink?!!! I mean, the layout. I found it too typical and teenybopper to use pink and gurly background. So, thought to choose a dark background. Kind of mysterious. Which is very much me.

I didn't do the HTML and CSS thing ok? Yes, I've learned the basics but, I don't think I can ever do anything like that, at least, not in the very near future.

I stumbled upon this site called Friendster Profile Editor. Gee I should've found this site long time before. It helped me worked on the CSS thing. It's fun but it's a trial and error thing. Which is not anyway such a chore.

If you just understand the basics and you know the terminologies, probably it won't take you several tries. In my case, I hate terminologies so... took me longer to get the final look.

Here's the image of my friendster's body...

Nice, right? With the drama effect. hihihi

If you visit Michael's site (the owner of the friendster editor site) ...you will immediately see the editor below the main page. It's easy to follow, anyway, so you won't need anyone to help you. But, I really have to make mention that you can choose any background you want to appear in your account. Like the one I used -- a girl in black with a sad text beside her.

Here's the screen shot of the field where you enter the URL of the image you want to appear as background.

Geesh...the image is too small....here's another one...

GRRR and now it's blurry. *sigh* Anyway, just so you know that you can choose and use an image... hehehe...I mean, am sure you know of it. This is for the sake of those who are NOT techie.

You may use your own photo or any cute photo as background. Just get the url. To do that, you need photo hosting such as Imageshack. It will provide you a "Direct link to image". This is also what I use to post the images am including in each blog entry.

Sounds lotsa technicals for beginners I know. Been there. hehehehe...but now, I can pimp my friendster anyway I want. And am happy.

So, who says am such a whiner, huh? I hope now you realise that even the littlest things can make me smile.

I better reward myself. *sigh* Only not in the form of food since I am currently on a strict diet. Hate that I had to give away my mocha jelly ice craze to Hippo early this afternoon. *sobs*

I think it's their replacement for coffee jelly ice craze. Love it sooo much. Dunno why they had to phase it out. grrr... and the only thing I enjoy from Jollibee is their ube & keso (cheese) ice craze. ...and YES, I eat in Jollibee. So?

Summer has really set in. Wish it's still Holy Week. I just noticed that every year during Holy Week, the weather's cloudy and there's rain. Weird but...of course, I like it better. *sobs* Is it possible that a typhoon would strike a country during the summer season?

I know am being selfish, now. How about the areas suffering from knee-high floods? I know that. But, I still like rainy days better!


Current mood: Feeling so hot but happy! *wink*

The mask of myself shows its face again...

Pink invasion is still not over. Nah-uh!

I promised to show you more screen shots remember? They are here. Was just a lil occupied yesterday so it slipped my mind.

See? This is what Linux (Suse) can do. All my windows are PINK!!! *glaring eyes* The browser site (FireFox and Opera) is pink, gEdit is pink, Amarok is pink, gAim is pink and Konqueror is pink. Everything PINK...

Been trying to capture a screen shot of the KDE menu. Grrrr Doesn't work!!! *sigh* (But...yes, it is also PINK!)

...which gives me an idea to just capture my other Protopage account in stead...

...which is very PINK too!!! hehehe Obviously, the background's...BRATZ!!! Gurly huh?! *wink* Cutie!

Oh well... MS still remains boring. What's wrong with adding more colors? Boo!

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Been talking about Protopage a lot lately. And nobody even asked what's it. hmmm Anyway, LD was the one who introduced the site to me. Basically, it's for storing useful websites for our researches so I've really given time on creating one. And because I couldn't decide which background to use -- Yuna or Bratz -- I thought to create two so I can use both. Clever, huh? *chuckles*

Protopage developers are very friendly and they really accommodate any inquiry.

Flashback...

There were sites and information I needed to hide from the public. That time there's still no option for that. So, what I did, I sent them a message through their feedback something service. Immediately the following day, when I checked my email, they've already sent a reply. Nice. After a few days, they've already included the hide option in response to my request. Yey! Was very happy. *big smile*

Well, basically the purpose of Protopage is to keep all your favorite website links in one site. There are many added features now. There's this virtual pet dog (Proto Puppy) you can play with, clock, calendar, audio and video podcasts, feeds and many others. Swell! hihi

ok...nuf of promotion now...

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...and still another one!!!

Image of my office desktop and more pinks...

Yahoo & Meebo

Can't get enough of pink.

I hope I could come up with a pink theme (layout) for my Green Room. Need help...

anyone?

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Check this out:
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Pink provides feelings of caring, tenderness, self-worth and love, acceptance.

Put some pink in your life when you want:

* calm feelings
* to neutralize disorder
* relaxation
* acceptance, contentment

Pink: used in diet therapy as an appetite suppressant, relaxes muscles, relieves tension, soothing

Pink signifies romance, love, and friendship. It denotes feminine qualities and passiveness.

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As an appetite suppressant, aye?! hmmm... Then diet pills should be colored pink, right?! WOW!!! If all medicines are colored pink then, I wouldn't have a hard time convincing myself to take them. hehehe

...which reminds me...

My dad blames me that I didn't grow so tall. He is himself frustrated with his height. Had he grown a lil taller, he could've been in the army. So, he passed his frustration on to me. *sigh*

My confession....

When Pat and I were still young, dad required us to take height enhancement vitamins. Sadly, he never heard of Cherifer. So, I had no choice but to force myself to swallow that big capsule. *bitter* Anyone know of Enervon?! GRRR... For crying out loud! It's definitely not for kids! But, that's what dad gave us. *frowns*

I couldn't swallow the stubby capsules, though. No matter how I tried. Well, not at all times. There were lucky days too, but...
...each unsuccessful swallow...led to the sink drain.

If that vitamin was pink...and tiny...perhaps I could've been taller now. *sigh*

but come on now! Don't get me wrong....puhleaase! I am not frustrated with my height. Who wouldn't want to be taller?

Yes, I wish I were taller but I am already satisfied with my height. Cause I am not, anyway, vertically challenged. Just average and am ok with it. *wink*

Note: Did I even make any sense?