Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Took another online test yesterday. This one involved colors. I was shown a set of colors and the instruction was to click on all the colors in any order I wish. So, I did (without really knowing why).

I actually thought it will give me a personality profile. Surprisingly, it gave me details of my present condition. It also provided me with the present problems I am currently facing.

Amazingly, it did give an accurate information about what is going on within me. Sleek!

The detail is shown below...

Paper+Tiger took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a way of escape from all that oppresses her ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I made a quick review. Well, it said that the result was my personality. The way I see it, however, it's just the present condition I am in.

Anyway, I almost couldn't believe I was reading it. Yes, it did help. And I just hope to be able to bring back my resilience or I might just completely lose it.

Nuf of the quiz...

Binkie made me realize some things. We talked about my dad. It's Father's Day on Sunday (June 17). So, I kinda remembered my dad.

Inch by inch I am understanding my dad. Why is he like that and all. Binkie suggested that I better do something about it. I mean, to help my dad become open to us (his family). Yeah, right. He has been a loner. Such a loner.

Actually, been thinking and planning about this for years now. Only I didn't know how.

How by just talking with someone who really listens one can clearly understand things that used to be vague.

I figured some things about my dad with Binkie. It really is something having someone to discuss things with. And probably this is the same reason why dad remained aloof. He had none. No one dared invading the box where he keeps himself.

We have a lot in common. And I guess we have the same personality. I have been constantly observing myself and each time... I'd see dad in me.

There is this one (out of the many) painful conversation I had with dad when I was younger. It caused me so much inferiority (and not to mention pain). I kept it to myself and became bitter.

Just like any other student, I aspired to land a job that would make me wealthy. Someone told me about working as a stewardess. So, I had to ask dad for his opinion. It's also another way of letting him know of my plans.

In stead of receiving encouragement, his words put me down. I dunno if I should even make mention of his answer (like verbatim). What? For the sake of getting sympathy. No. I don't find it necessary.

His words were rather harsh. I think this statement should be enough. Plus he had to compare me to my two sisters. It was totally OUCH! It kinda made me feel damn inferior and insignificant.

But the talk with Binkie...triggered my deeper thoughts. Made me figure out that dad, just like me, can see potentials in people. He saw my potentials. He also had foreseen my weaknesses. This world is too harmful for me. And I do not belong to the world. He only tried protecting me from what harm the world might cause me.

Guys are normally not good at expressing their thoughts in the best and clear way they should. Perhaps, dad too, failed to say things in a way he should've. So, he got me badly hurt.

Now, I blame myself for not understanding this long time ago. Like, for years, been thinking and re-thinking "why?" And it is only now that things are becoming clear.

Dad is me and me is dad. We're pretty common. And more than anyone, I should be the one to understand him.

Well, I still can't understand his being scanty, though. And I think I never will.

We have undergone totally different experiences. Perhaps, that's the only thing that makes us a bit different, in terms of dealing with situations and problems. But we are just the same.

...and I believe, this is the same reason why I had never become angry at him.

Not to justify my actions, I think everything happened for the best. I left home and it was meant to happen. Not for anything else but for me to unravel the mystery behind dad.

It is Father's Day on Sunday. (Should I really mention this twice?) Binkie told me to start doing my move. Dad needs someone to talk to him. Just like I need someone to talk to me. Someone who will be persistent enough to get me to talk. Dad never found that person.

This is the challenge I am faced with now. To be persistent enough to get him to talk. To assure him that I understand him completely.

How can we just forget that just like us, other people also have needs within them? When we're hurt, we get to overlook the needs of others. As if the world is just our own.

Hell, no. People need us.

Our parents love us. That is for a fact. Only, different people have different ways of loving. Dad loves me.

I can't anymore remember when but some months (or a year) after I left the house (maybe)... mom told me that dad was always standing by the gate as if waiting for someone (for me).

My heart had hardened by the overwhelming pain from that one big fight with dad 4 years ago (midnight of February 2003). But my heart broke when mom told me about dad waiting for me everyday. Sincerely.

I just can't go back there anymore. I have made a decision to live on my own. And I believe this is for the best. But I am not giving up on understanding and trying to change dad. There is always hope.

In this life, I might not be able to completely understand everything exactly how I should. My dad included. Am still trapped in the past, I must say. My life can never move on smoothly unless I work things out with myself and the issues I have within.

Dad, he is misunderstood. Whatever his reasons are for being the way he is, I assure him that forever I will keep the same respect I have for him. And I will work that my siblings will do the same.

I may never have expressed how much, but I respect and I look up to dad with all the person I am. All that I am now is because of him. Because he tried his best to make me a better person. Now, I can say that I am proud of what I have become not for my own decision. But because I have a dad like him.

I owe a lot to him and to my mom who has consistently been looking after me even now that I have started to live on my own. No matter what happens, they are still the reason for my existence.

...I love my dad.

Happy father's day to all fathers in the world!


Current mood: Mushy and sentimental.

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"It is a wise father that knows his own child."

"Role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents. Parents are handing life's scripts to their children, scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the children's lives."

"Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad."

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