Stand up for what you believe in, even if you're standing alone.

Am concerned about how most of our presidentiables (and many politicians) are blaming corruption for poverty. Not that corruption has nothing to do with it but it is definitely not the major or only cause. I do not agree that there is a single person in this world that is not at all corrupt. We all are. Every single centavo we don't own and knowingly or unknowingly slip inside our pockets is already corruption. Already stealing. A centavo may appear insignificant but if its not from our own sweat and blood, it's theft. Consider how many centavos are being slipped into pockets of whoever everyday.

One of the traits Filipinos have is sense of gratitude. The fact that many are accustomed to asking favors already proves the impossibility of eliminating corruption. Small favors that become more frequent and eventually will have to be returned. This is one form of small corruption that happens daily.

Petty as it may sound but all big things start from small. Say, I am close friends with someone holding important position in a company. Because this person's close to me, I know that he/she will never refuse to help me when I ask him/her a favor. So, when another friend of mine asks help to get a promotion... no matter how incompetent this friend is ...I can still confidently offer help because friend A has the power to grant my request and I know that he/she won't turn me down. And, although, friend A knows that friend B is not competent, he/she will still give him/her the promotion, anyway.

If you look at this scenario there seems to be nothing wrong. But, there will always be expectations from the one granting favor. If not anytime soon...in due time. Plus, the fact that friend B might be a problem, eventually, because of lack of competency, all else is compromised.

This doesn't happen in only one company. Happens to almost all companies for various reasons. Not only in companies, in fact. Even in our daily activities, this has become a practice. Power is everything. And when it is not properly used, the world is in great danger.

Who can truly fight corruption when it is in each one of us? What Ptr. Rico Ricafort mentioned last Sunday is so true. Self-governance is the most effective way to fight corruption. Unless we are strong enough to govern ourselves properly, corruption will always be present. How will we conduct ourselves in certain situations when no one is watching? A very important question to answer.

Poverty has become out of hand not ONLY because of corruption. Those who blame corruption as the cause of poverty are only leading people away from another truth. Poverty is caused by poor self-governance. Why don't we tell the poor people that they should work to feed their children in stead of just waiting for donations? Why don't we teach them to limit their children to 2 if they can't even support 1?

Please don't get me wrong but I just believe that we all must be concerned with the quality of life we give the youth. If a couple is unable to provide proper nourishment to a child, why add another one and let them go hungry? And then, add another one and another one yearly until 13 kids will soon have to share a plate of instant pancit canton.

What am trying to point at now is simple...no one should instill in anyone's head that it is the government's responsibility and obligation to provide for the poor. Assistance should be given but NOT sustenance, as if, only they (the poor) have the privilege to receive provisions from the government. How about the simple employees who pay taxes? The very rich, the business owners, the professionals, doctors, lawyers... they can manipulate their declaration of income, but not the middle class who are doing 9 to 5. These workers receive their wages already with deductions. It is the humble employees who are feeding the poor. It is the humble employees that are paying those in the government positions. The poor represents the bigger percent of the population. Imagine the big number of people who are dependent on the government. Imagine the number of non-tax payers.

From television programs, I get to see how it's like in the slum areas. Those people find shelter under bridges or flyovers...in abandoned lots...along the riverbanks...almost every corners of the streets. And they really look pitiful. I sincerely feel for them. But, being poor is also a choice. Yes, I acknowledge the fact that there are a lot of indigent people who are not given opportunities. We can't put all the blame on them for their fate. But... another but is ...there used to be destitute people who found their way out of poverty. How were they able to do that? Who helped them? What inspired them? In stead of pointing at corruption as the cause of poverty, why don't we educate the impoverished that they "also" have a part in their condition? Open their eyes that if they stop idling around and start keeping themselves busy they can get out of that miserable situation they're in. For as long as we keep giving excuses for their state, they will never learn how to help themselves. They will never learn their own responsibilities to themselves and as citizens of this country.

The thing with over-emphasizing that poverty is a result of corruption...people are made to believe that it is beyond their power to change their status. That it is somebody else's duty to get them out of their misfortune. If everything will be blamed to the government, then, what responsibility do we play as individuals? What is our role as citizens? The government can only do much. We have to play our parts. We can all start by being wise voters. By using our better judgment in choosing who can truly properly run the country. By realizing that talk is cheap. Listen not to the words being spoken but to the facts that are being hidden from us. Realize that those who are telling our less-privileged people that it's the corrupt that is to be blamed, they are only patronizing poverty because, truth is, they want the poor to multiply because this class of people represents the bigger percent of voters.

Why isn't anybody telling the destitute what they should hear? Because those who are aiming for a position in the government know that when they tell the truth, they will repel these people. So, what they do is they empathize with them and act as if they truly care. If they are really sincere, they would tell them the truth and not make them depend on donations. Like the saying goes, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." Knowledge is the best charity we can give anyone. The fact that many politicians don't teach the less privileged to fish means they don't really intend to end poverty. They're promoting it and tell the destitute that it's not their fault they're poor. What makes them poor is corruption. Come on! Tell them where they're doing wrong first and then blame corruption later on. Just my 2 cents.

Beauty is not caused. It is.

Every girl's (even boys, I believe) problem has always been zits. Gone are the days when the only solution available's "Calamansi". I remember my dad proudly taught me about it when small pimples started appearing on my forehead. That was when I started using face powder in high school. He told me that my aunt's best friend was Calamansi. It's quite convincing since she really have very beautiful skin. Of course, it's not just the topical treatments that give her skin its natural glow. Diet and discipline helped a lot. She's a vegetarian, may I mention.

Anyway, that was Jurassic era. Now, we are all so lucky to have a variety of aids to choose from. There's Obagi, Murad, Mario Badescu, Proactiv, just to name a few. But, of course, these product brands are not so friendly to everyone since they are kind of costly. But, then, there are also products out there that are pocket friendly. However, their efficacy differs from one skin type to another. You just have to patiently find what could be effective for you.

Among the popular pimple fighting products you can see in our major supermarkets, groceries and drugstores are Ponds, Olay, Clerasil, Panoxyl (this is very effective in drying the zits but can also dry or burn the skin), Eskinol...astringents such as MaxiPeel, and the more affordable products like Mena and Renow-D (these are Chinese products, I think). All these products have their share of impressive testimonials.

I've tried several products, as well. But found one to be the most effective for me -- SOS (Save Our Skin - Clindamycin Phosphate). It's a topical treatment for acne.

Twas only by accident when I found out about this product just a couple of years ago. I was only buying some munchies at a Mercury Drug Store nearby when I saw this product displayed near the cashier. I read the label and decided to give it a try since, at that time, I had huge beauty spots on my cheeks and forehead. My breakouts are usually allergic reaction to certain foods so they're really stubborn and last for some weeks. Worse, they often leave scars and marks. Grr.

So, I tried SOS. I read the label again for instruction and opened the small bottle. It's akin to a mini roll-on deodorant and smells like antibiotic. But, you'd get used to it eventually. Especially, when you start experiencing its wonderful effect.

After washing and drying my face, I rolled it on the affected areas. After a few seconds, I felt the parts where I applied SOS on were a lil itchy. So, I went to the mirror and looked at how my skin's reacting. Puss was coming out and I didn't even prick them!They're just literally flowing from inside my poor inflamed facial skin. I was kinda concerned it might leave another ugly marks.

Next day, the zits were almost gone and, remarkably, unlike the other products I previously used, the areas where the pimples were the night before didn't show any marks, at all. I was happy! The next time I applied SOS, I also rolled it on areas of my face where there were scars and dark spots. They, too, eventually diminished. After only 3 days, the dark spots had become invisible. Hurray!

But, of course, although SOS truly makes wonders I am aware that discipline is necessary to keep my skin healthy. I, now, avoid foods I know are common allergens. So, buh-bye chicken (Mang Inasal, KFC, KR... *sobs*), eggs, "some" chips...blah blah blah.

Since I am hypersensitive to allergens I am already careful with what I eat. I also drink as much fluid as I can. The tea JP introduced to me, I must say, also helps big time. It's called Nutri Health Drink. It contains Green tea, L-Carnitine, Seaweeds, Vitamin-C and Glutathione. I will talk about it next time.

Enough sleep is also very helpful. From sleeping only about 2 hours, I try sleeping longer hours now and I stay away from stress. I avoid negative thoughts and struggle so hard to keep my beauty routine. (Every now and then, I fail to keep up with it, though. *sigh*)

Am highly recommending SOS as replacement to our old school acne home remedy treatments, and expensive beauty products.

Toodle-oo!

I understand. I'm tired of understanding. All I do is understand.

Sometimes all we ask for is simply to be given allowances. To be understood. Maybe it's just me but I feel that I am so restricted. That I have to be always careful with what I do or I fail someone. This, to me, seem unfair. And, not to mention...requiring such unflinching effort.

There are times am wondering how come there are too many "really" bad people who can just get away with some nasty things they do to another. Yet, when it comes to me, one wrong move and it's like I never done anything good in my life. When I know there were countless goods I'd done. (All us have done countless goods to others...even the bad guys.) When I know in my heart that in everything I do, I always consider the welfare of others. How can life be so bias?

You know those bullies in school? Or the work bullies? They do whatever they wish. They lord over the weak but do they even get punished enough? Of course, I don't mean to say they must be severely punished. Just am thinking why am I not given the same consideration as these group of people? People give excuses for them. That they're from broken families, that they're this and that... Can't anyone also give reasons for me sometimes? Don't I have the right to be like everyone else -- human? Flawed, that is.

After I had forgiven myself for some unpleasant things I'd done, I realized that you can never truly understand your humanity until you get into a state of sporadic madness. I'd even conclude that you are never truly a human being until you get into this state. Because nobody's perfect. Yet, most of my earlier years, I made great attempts to be. I was almost successful in trying to be proper as humanly possible. Many even thought I was too-good-to-be-true (by doing so). Some cynics around me even insisted there were ulterior motives behind my actions. Some even took closer look at my every move to catch me red-handed. Like the dot on a clean bond paper... the mistakes I made are what people rather use to define me. At least, this is how I was made to feel.

Ecclesiastes 7:16 makes lotsa sense: Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise--why destroy yourself? That's why I started allowing myself to just be human. All I need everyone to understand is I also have moods. I also get angry. I also feel pain. Are these things only your privileges? No. Because I, too, am a person. A person influenced by emotions.

Can I just go on with my life not having to beg for understanding? Without having to explain or defend myself all the time? Must I simply not care about how people unfairly judge me and just tell and admit to myself I'd done some silly stuffs, therefore, I just deserve whatever judgment given to me?

There are really times it gets truly frustrating. Especially, when you know in your heart that you care. I wish I do not care, at all. Tell myself the same things most people tell themselves when people look down on them -- "you're not a loss" ..."I am blessed with so many friends so you can get lost!" ..."you're not worth my time" blah blah blah. How I wish I can just convince myself that people don't matter to me. Only they do. Sidewalk beggars even move my heart. I cry inside (often literally) whenever I see hungry street children selling sampaguita garlands in highways and knock on car windows when traffic light shows red. How much more my acquaintances...friends?

Lizzie would always tell me that I am (and will be) given no chance to prove myself by people who, right from the start, don't like me. There's no point in expecting they ever will. No great deed I can ever do to change the way they see me because they simply don't like me and I just gotta accept that. So, am only causing trouble to myself hoping that there is something that I can do to change the way they feel about me. Even if it costs me my life. Simply put irremediable. Stage 4.

Will just conclude this journal with this quote:

"when you meet a person for the first time, please don't judge them by their station in life. Because who knows, that person just might end up being your best friend."

What a joke.

Sometimes, it is the boring stuff I remember the most.

Life is a dance step that never goes out of style.

Whenever my brain lags, I simply LINK my written thoughts from one online journal to another. Hope clicking LINKs is not so much of a trouble to my readers, is it? Xie xie This one's from FS.

“Never waste a minute of your precious life by squandering it thinking about people you don't like.”

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will NOT change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”

Funny thing about unforgiveness is that one lives in the past that he tends to neglect about today. In stead of keeping the focus on what is NOW, he keeps looking behind. What happened in the past cannot be undone, but it can still wreck the present by sulking over something you cannot anymore reverse. When the fact of life is simply...someone will always come and hurt you... purposefully or accidentally. Nobody's perfect. And you know in yourself that you've also hurt someone in the past. You've also said harsh words to another. And this is because we are all flawed. We are not always in our good state. That is why, we need to forgive others for what they'd done evil to us. And we also need to forgive ourselves. Then, let go. Because no matter how you sulk over spilled milk, there is nothing much you can do about it.

We must also not judge others for the wrongs they'd done. None of our mistakes define us. Each person gets to be in a state of emotional insanity, every now and then, when placed in an uncomfortable situation. Yet, that occasional emotional insanity doesn't entirely define who we are. And to hate someone for being occasionally emotionally insane is foolish. If we can only learn how to be as tolerant as we are to ourselves when we get to be in a state of emotional insanity, we'll find it easier to get along with others. We'd find it easier to understand them and forgive.

Grudge in your heart will only rob you of happiness. One good example I can share is this:

Someone was done something which to her was offensive. She took it real personally that no matter how the other person explained her side and uttered apologies, this girl simply can't move on and this affected the way she behaves and the way she views things. She harbored grudge in her heart so every time she bumps into this person, she explodes like a volcano. She can't have peace within.

What's worse in nurturing grudge is it leads to bitterness. What happy life we could've had becomes more impossible to achieve because our vision is blurred by anger. Happiness is, indeed, a choice. For we cannot control nor expect people around us to demean the way we wish they would. Our friends will even always fall short of our expectations. Things won't always go the way we want. But, we can always choose to forgive each little lapse and let go.


You'll hear people say, "he'd done me this. I can't forgive him." Or, something like, "had you not done that I couldn't have reacted this way". Thing is, no one can always be too careful not to hurt another. Not even you. Not even me. There will always be something we do that'll hurt another intentionally or unintentionally. And if you even carefully listen to what was said..."had you not done that"... well, sadly, it's already been done. It's past tense. Nothing can be done to undo it. We just need to accept that it did happen and learn to forgive. Choose to forgive. Don't carry the load. Grudge is such a burden to carry. One can choose to put it down and leave it behind and walk with great ease in stead of feeling sorry that it had to happen and forever carry the choler.

While it is true that had things didn't happen the way they did, life could've been much better. But, that's just a fact of life, though: things happen. More often, what happens make us. It is our choice if we'll allow a situation to break us. But, again, it is a matter of choice. And if your eyes ever open and you realize that a situation broke you, it's never too late to pull yourself back together.

Pointing at what happened in the past is like blaming history for your situation. I talk by experience. I used to keep blaming someone for something wrong done to me. But, I had to learn the hard way that reacting negatively to it won't help me in any way. Because of anger, I misbehaved. I hurt people. Then, I realized that's not me. That's not who I am. I had become a different person. I allowed my anger unleash the monster in me. I couldn't anymore recognize myself. One day, I woke up and told myself, "this isn't me". It dawned on me that what really was making me unhappy is the fact that I know I was not anymore the person I used to know. Day by day, as I acted negatively to this particular person, I became more frustrated not with the person but with myself. Then, I recognized it's not really the other person that brings out the good or the bad in me. It is my own self.

"had you not done that, I wouldn't have reacted the way I did" is just taking the blame off you. Someone said the same thing to me. I just can't understand why does she keep reacting to a situation that was way bygone. As far as I'm concerned, the current sitch is far different and apologies have been lavishly given. Truth is, she only refuse to snap out of that episode in the past as if it's still happening in the present. It's like still living in the Marshall Law era when we have so much democracy in the present. Or, trying to feel the pain when the wound has already healed. Just doesn't make any sense.

I am not saying this because I want to be forgiven nor I believe I deserve to be. All I desire is for everyone to learn the benefits of forgiving. It doesn't only release you from deep pain. It also teaches you how to live a life free from negative emotions and it also saves you from becoming the monster you never want to be.

Whether or not a person deserves to be forgiven...whether or not a person says sorry... forgiving is not some favor you give anyone. It is a favor you give yourself. But, I guess, just like experience is the best teacher...one can never truly learn to forgive unless he gets into a situation where he needs to be forgiven.

My life is real.

Life's lessons are what's more important than any other material longings we have. They strengthen us...they make us smarter. The next thing we know, we're already a changed person. A much better one.

Not one single thing can equal the benefits of what we learn in life. They stay alive forever. Lil somethings we can draw from our pockets when we encounter similar yet tougher situations in the future. We are more equipped.

It's true what they say, just change the way you see things. We keep asking for this and that. We're given something else. We complain because we think we know better without understanding that every lil thing that comes our way is a blessing. We're determined this is what we want or need yet we are given something we deem trifle. But, if we just open our eyes and closely look at what we consider petty, we learn something called "contentment". Something that can truly lead us to real joy.

Happiness is, indeed, a choice. It's not just an emotion or feeling caused by another being or wonderful things or events. It is a state of mind. What are we focusing on? Where's the direction of our sight? What emotions do we keep in our hearts? Are we nurturing our pains and anger? Or are we letting them heal?

You're one of my favorite people.

Each one of us has a "Morrie Schwartz" in our lives. I do. What's wonderful about it is I don't only get to have "Tuesdays" with my "Morrie". Whenever I need a "Tuesday with Morrie", I have the privilege to have it. No buts and no waiting. Anytime in a day. And I hope to be someone's Morrie.

No applause.

Soulmate (or soul mate): it's like a best friend, but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soul mate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you'll always love them. Nothing can ever change that.

I'm a mess. I apologize.

I used to be afraid of sooo many things. That I would never grow up. That I would be trapped in the same place for all eternity. That my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It's true what they say. Time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality. And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do.

I miss her because there are things I wanna tell her -- to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be ok. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence. The people who contributed to who I am, they are with me wherever I go, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now.

How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt.

Ah, you know me... am too lazy to hold a grudge.

I've decided to let go of my anger and all the pain. I've unknowingly hurt others by just holding on to it. Though I know in my heart that I am not yet healed, by choosing to be free, somehow, someway, I am moving on. I can't weep for the rest of my life. Because I wasn't born to feel pain all the time. Someday, I'll find courage to let everybody know that my real purpose is to love and not cry.

"Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

~ Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

Without YOU ...am as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway.

It's a lazy Sunday morning. Not so warm. In fact, windy. But, am still feeling lazy. Isn't it a habit, on the second thought?

I turned to my desktop computer and saw my abandoned blog and thought of writing something meaningful. There's really nothing so interesting to share but I thought of something that might inspire. Here goes...

There has been so many changes in me, I noticed. Depression is not as active in my lifestyle as how it used to be, for one. Inch by inch, am learning the art of letting go of things I can't do anything about and surrender them to GOD. Not that I wasn't trusting HIM before. Just, I used to act as if I always have to do something or act on a situation right away. This has been my mindset. Just like what the local saying implies ..."Mercy resides in God; deeds are in men".

Some petty things I thought need not be consulted to GOD. Then, I realized, petty things can soon become big struggles when I try to fix them myself. Why? Because no matter how I think I am good at resolving things, my wisdom is still not enough to understand some reasons behind things that happen. My decision making is not as brilliant as I think it is. I had to learn this by going through some struggles. Those struggles consumed my strength until I had to look up and ask GOD to carry me. Something I had never really done in the past.

Oftentimes, we are too engrossed trying to deal with things on our own believing that we are tough enough to handle situations. It is not enough that we consult GOD our plans or decisions. We hafta admit that we are incapable without HIS grace. Admit that there are areas in our lives where we're having difficulty handling and we need HIM to start carrying us. This time around, I am able to tell HIM that there are areas in my life I cannot change with my own effort because I am too weak. That my heart desires to obey HIM but my nature is not strong to follow, so, I need HIM to work in that area for me as I surrender it to HIM. I have never felt so loved in my life until I opened up to my FATHER. Tis an amazing experience. HE made me feel accepted and loved for who I am... including my weaknesses.

...and each time I am reminded of HIS great love for me, this line in a song would start playing in my head... "YOU see the depths of my heart and YOU love me the same..." Who can love us the same way? Knowing and seeing the filth in our hearts and minds but still loves us just the same without condemnation or blame; but, stares back at us with so much mercy and love. GOD is truly amazing.

Have gone real tired of depending on my own efforts. Struggling to always be righteous. Do things in my power knowing what's right and what's wrong. Avoid this because it's wrong and struggle to do another because it's right. Well, I am blessed because GOD has really equipped me with values and attitudes to be a good Christian since I was young. But, guess, I had been too confident about this fact that I failed to recognize my great need for HIS grace. Until, some goodness within me started hitting the skids. Guess, that's what happens when we rely on our own strength.

Now, I can humbly tell GOD that I can't or I won't lift a finger on this or that concern because I am too weak. That I won't make a decision without HIS blessings. It's harder to correct a mistake than avoid making one. Come on, GOD is just a prayer away. We can confidently come directly to HIM and HE will surely listen. Not because we are good or obedient or righteous. But, because HIS love for us is great and immeasurable. No amount of good deeds can make us worthy of HIS love, but HIS love for us alone gives us authority to come to HIM for help. Knowing this, I feel the privilege of being under HIS grace. And I just want to be under it forever. *smiles*

On a different note, I cannot stop myself from mentioning... the San Beda Red Lions were dethroned by the San Sebastian Stags after losing 2 finals games Thursday and Saturday. *sobs* They were doing real good in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd quarter during the 2nd finals game at the Cuneta Astrodome, which could've given them a chance for a 3rd game. But, in the last quarter, they lost their baskets and made too many errors giving the Stags great advantage. Just sad but, well, twas undeniably a good game.


Toodle-oo.

Why is't so hard to be happy? It's because we refuse to let go of the things that make us sad.

When we try to be in control, there's always a sure chance of disappointment. Most of the time, we try hard to believe in something. Something that is wonderful to embrace. When it doesn't happen as we believed it would, our expectations fail us and pain comes after.

It's never easy to entrust all to GOD. This is one thing I am struggling with. Mainly because I have trusted too much not in HIM but in people. Well, people... they say sooo many things. Either half-meant or they don't really mean at all. One of the things people do is hide behind lies. Some say, they do this to avoid hurting someone. What they don't know is they hurt others more by denying them the truth.

Sad truth is, people keep changing their minds almost instantly. They say things but they can't be true to their words. They won't even CHOOSE to be true to their words. They say something but do another. Many say something they strongly feel for the moment. They are driven by their emotions. But, emotions are fleeting. It's frustrating. But, just like me, I know there are many others who still rather believe these lies. Convinced that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt. So, we risk our hearts. We place our faith in the wrong persons...in the wrong things. Believing that this can lead to happiness. But, in truth, it hurts.

Yet, another painful truth is the person we placed our faith in to just doesn't care how we would feel when they can't keep up with their words. Go on with their lives as if our feelings don't matter. Conveniently, they can just escape with "sorry", but, are ready to do it again only because they know we'll just be there. Such a bitter reality.

Am sure, this is not only my own experience. Many out there suffer the same sitch for the reason that they "believe" someone. They trust. No matter how the other person screws up, they are ready to give another chance.

Sometimes, I get to think whether this is wrong or right. Because it's damaging. It messes our thoughts and feelings. It creates fear. Fear that if we believe again, we might get hurt again. Fear that if we don't, we give an impression that we can't trust and this simply doesn't sound right. The dilemma that if we trust, we're sure to hurt ourselves. If we don't, we're sure to hurt the person we love. It's crazy.

And I know of people who choose to trust lies and deny themselves the truth. They choose to believe what they want to believe, though, they know it's a lie. They'd even avoid knowing or hearing the truth in order to keep the lies. Trying to revel in something that will only cause them pain. What joy is there in living in lies? Being lied to is the worst way one can ever disrespect you. It's like they're telling you you deserve no truth. Maybe... but who deserves a lie?

I wish that saving our hearts from pain can be taught in school. That common sense can influence us stronger than our emotions can. Because our emotions steal from us our happiness. We want to be happy with someone we truly deserve but we're stuck with our feelings for someone who don't even sincerely care about us. All they're concerned about is the convenience and benefits they're receiving. Such a dangerous condition to be in.

'Do not expect anything', that's what they say. Am trying to believe that it is expecting that's causing all the pain. Maybe. On the second thought, is expecting that someone just do his part to not tell a lie and spare you of pain too much to give? Fine, we have to do our part to simply give love. But, are they not expected to do their part to be kind, too?

I'd like to just be numb about things and pretend none of what I observed is true. I'd like to convince myself that not asking too much question and not asking for what one deserves could make everything fine. I'd like to just believe in only ONE. To place my trust on only HIM and be oblivious to all others because it's damn too painful. It's hard to breathe. It's exhausting. Am stripped off strength.

If I'd try seeing things like characters in stories, maybe, it's easier to explain why things happen the way they do. There has to be good characters and there has to be bad characters. Otherwise, life will simply just be boring. No thrill. No issues. No arguments. There are no more stories to tell. There are no blogs like this to share.

Sullen and Austere

Heartbroken is how I define my current state. Saturday morning, I thought, could've been the start of my sunny days until I stepped out of the bathroom after a couple of hours' early bath and found out that the flood waters already managed to get inside the house. Worries began to consume me again as 3 of my housemates were, at that time, trying to reach home but were stuck somewhere due to the rising floods in almost all routes leading home. My heart was throbbing real hard as I prayed. It's a frustrating feeling, actually. The fact that I know I should just trust GOD's heart and the desire to do something to help my friends placed my sanity on the line. Not to mention, I was freaking out seeing the fridge, my Omnitrack, the furnitures, the washer already submerged in flood waters. Terrible...terrible feeling.

Believe me, I tried to calm myself down. But, I heard more, which caused me to worry more. If I can only do something was what's playing in my head. I know and I admit I can't do anything else in my power. Prayer was the best help I could've really given but was not able to give much only because I was too engrossed with my emotions. Silly...silly.

There was already no electric supply that afternoon. Our transistor radio only had one battery when it requires 3. Flood water outside the townhomes was ceaselessly rising. At that time, twas already waist high, so, we can't risk our house helper to buy 2 more. Not knowing what was happening to my friends and knowing what was happening around resulted into paranoia. I felt so helpless.

It's not helpful, I know. And it's like insinuating "I am better than GOD because I would do something if I could." And questioning, "How can HE remain silent while HIS people are troubled and needing help?" Totally wrong. But, it took me a while to realize it. I was simply overwhelmed by my emotions.

Everyone was able to reach home safely early evening. I wanted to break down, but, I felt I should better tame myself and just be thankful nothing bad happened to them. Somehow, my heart became still. Even had ice cream before going to bed.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we were able to purchase 2 batteries with the ice cream, so, the rest of the night, we were all keeping ourselves updated with what's happening outside. We heard so many SOS calls over the portable radio. Again, my heart started to melt. I simply can't just be thankful I was not in the same situation. I felt for those people.

That day was supposed to be the day my grannies were to move to a smaller room just beside the place they stayed in for years. That was also the same day I planned to treat them out for their double birthday celebration (25th & 27th). The night before I was even insisting to cancel their moving out on the next day. Then, Ketsana (PAGASA name: Ondoy) came.

Both had to be cancelled.

Early Sunday morning, I received text messages that Church services are cancelled due to heavy rains and flooding. So, I thought, we can push with the celebration. Electric supply was restored around 3am and the first thing we did was to try if we can turn to local news. Cable was down. Still, we're half unaware of the damage Ondoy caused. We even managed to watch a flick. (Not a nice one. Boo.) We turned to Internet and that's when we learned how Ondoy caused so much destruction & even claimed lives. Depression set in again. I was crippled for 2 more days.

What can this gift of compassion help me with if am too weak to handle such happenings? *sighs*

Today, I took action. I dragged myself out of the house and bought goods to donate. I collected some clothes to give to a Church chum who lost most of their stuffs.

Nine in the morning, I took a shower and then had breakfast. Checked each closet after for spare clothes. At past 10, we were already in the grocery to buy packs of crackers, a box of noodles, boxes of bottled water, boxes of Big 250 and some cans of sardines. Dropped the goods and then headed to Cubao to deliver the clothes to the Church chum I mentioned earlier.

Made me feel a lil better but because of my nature, I simply can't feel I have done enough. Am such a morose person. I so detest it.

...Sometimes, I need things to happen for real.

Sometimes, I don't know how to ask for help. I can get trapped inside my pain. Some nameless thing seems to tear at my insides. I freeze, thinking that if I don't move, it will go away. So, I don't ask, I don't talk, and the pain grows.

Does my face look calm? Don't be fooled. I'm just afraid to let you see the truth. But, I listen. And through other people, GOD does for me what I can't do for myself. One of the miracles I have found is that help often comes when I most need it. When I can't bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me. When I don't know what to say, I am given the words I require. And when I share what's in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own. Today, I have GOD who knows my needs. As I walk, GOD is walking with me.

"I'm not stubborn. I'm simply RIGHT!"

I realized that sometimes, it's not that two people can't really meet. It's just one of them refuse to accept that he's not right all the time no matter how reasonable his reasons may be. It takes a humble heart to know the importance of taking time to LISTEN and look deeper into what another has to say. Takes an unselfish heart to accept another's reasons and forget about his own just so he can penetrate the depths of the other person's feelings. Takes so much humility to stop believing one is always right and quit convicting the other just to prove himself right.

It's just so funny how I finally am able to understand that I gotta stop condemning myself even that's what people around me want to happen. How arrogance in each person's heart torture another by forcing their righteousness as the ONLY truth. There's a very big difference between talking with the intention of "wanting to be heard" and talking just "to defend an act". Mine has always been only to be heard as I have mostly been mute in my earlier life.

Sadly, though, not too many people are willing to LISTEN intently without being defensive. Their defenses are always up as they fear being told they've mistaken. Arrogance wrecks relationships with no possibility of restoration. This is one trait no relationship can ever tolerate. Cause no matter how the other struggles to keep the relationship going, if the other just keeps putting himself on a pedestal and believes he must be treated a certain special way... that relationship can never work. It's a kind of high-maintenance relationship which is beneficial to one but unhealthy to another.

If there is anything I should absorb from the insights shared with me by my dear friend, Binkie, it is this... "you can't be adjusting for people all the time. It is not your sole duty to do this just so to keep a friendship. If it's a real friendship, it can preserve its own without you having to toil for it. Without you being too overly cautious not to hurt a friend. Because if this is a real friend, he/she will know that whether you laugh or cry, hurt or heal... you do or say things out of being REAL -- not only to yourself, but also to your friend. And friendship stands in HONESTY ...more than anything."

And yeah...I will never forget what Binkie always tries to instill in my rock-hard head... "not everyone who says they're my friends are my real friends. Well, just like it's become too common to say 'I love you'... saying 'Am your friend' even it's half-meant or not-meant at all doesn't make anyone a criminal."


This is inspired by my post on Zhǐ Lǎohǔ Shoots the Breezebull.


Mood: Reveling in the beauty of a stormy day.

The Undefeated SSC-R Stags (7-0)

Today, one team remained the undefeated; and, it's no other than the San Sebastian College - Recoletos. The Bombers, who lost by 15 points, were not able to recover after the first half. Wilson wasn't able to make any basket in the 3rd quarter and 2 players were fouled out just at the crucial time of the heated game. The Stags truly showed grace and confidence in the court and exhibited authority to win over the Heavy Bombers.

Current team standing:

Team	W-L
SSC-R	7-0
JRU	6-1
SBC	6-1
CSJL	4-3
CSB	4-4
AU	2-4
EAC	2-5
UPHSD	2-5
AUF	1-6
MIT	1-6

*c/o www.ncaa.org.ph*

July 31st: SBC Red Lions vs. EAC Generals

NCAA games today were both exhilarating. First game between CSB and Arellano was truly exciting as both teams truly fought for the win. None seemed to want to take defeat taking the game to its 1st, 2nd and 3rd overtime. In the end, the Blazers successfully snatched the victory. (Wasn't able to take note of the scores. Sorry.)

Second game was between SBC and EAC.

1st quarter: The Lions started out slow with their highest point advantage only at 8. First quarter ended with 23-16 in favor of SBC.

2nd quarter: At over 4 minutes, the Lions' lead was down to 1 from their quarter's highest 9. JSantos' 3 pointer snatched the lead from SBC. "Baby Shaq" Taganas' inside shot tied the scores 33-33 at over 2 minutes on the clock. Taganas made 2 more consecutive inside shots (and nothing from the Generals) stealing the lead back for SBC. Marcelo made another inside shot for the failed 3 point attempt by Gamalinda making it 9 to nothing at over 1 minute. At the last second of the quarter, "Bambam" Gamalinda threw the ball 2 steps away from the 3 point line and was counted as basket after the halftime break deliberation. Qtr score: 49-38.

3rd quarter: The Red Lions were secured of a 10- pt advantage but their turnovers allowed the Generals to catch up a bit. Yet, the Lions were evidently still in control up to the last second of the quarter ending with 19-pt. advantage, 71-52.

4th quarter: SBC brought the lead as high as 24points during the first couple of minutes of the quarter until the Generals started cutting the lead with the help of the Lions' erratic ball handling and passing. Yaya made a 3-pointer answering Hermida's earlier 3-pt. attempt. Followed up by Jabaybay's 2-pointer & 1-pointer at 5:47 on the clock. Score was 78-63, in favor of SBC. More turnovers by SBC this quarter, but as expected of the mighty Lions, they were able to bounce back winning with a 24 point excess, 95-71.

Marcelo was the game's best player.

For me, everyone did their part. Taganas, Hermida, Lanete, Daniel, Gamalinda, Tecson... they all showed an exemplary performance for the team's triumph. Indeed, a game to watch. EAC gave a truly good fight.

Wasn't able to post last July 24th's (fri) game between SBC and CSJL. Twas also a very good game. Tight game, in fact. You can get the complete story here. Final scores were: SBC 79- CSJL 74.

SBC will be facing AUF on August 5 (game 36 of NCAA elimination) at 2PM. And on August 10, they will be facing the Heavy Bombers at 4PM. All games will be held at the FilOil Flying V Arena, San Juan.

Monday's game (Aug 3) is the much-awaited game as, finally, JRU and SSC-R will be facing each other, which will decide who stays on the top of the rank. Both teams are undefeated and game 35 is the deciding game for either of the teams to keep their ranking or to lose their 1st place position.

Til next game...

July 13: San Beda Red Lions vs. College of Saint Benilde Blazers

So sad I had to miss yesterday's bout between SBC and CSB. *sigh* But, still good since the former won the game taking the Blazers to its 2ndth loss in their 4 games. Am wondering if I'd ever find time to watch any of their games live. Goodness, the venue is just very near my place and still I can't find myself anywhere in there during the Lions' games. This is so frustrating.

Anyway, the Red Lions won by 20 pts, 86-66. From one of my sources, Garvo Lanete showed a thrilling performance and finished with 16 points, 4 assists, 3 rebounds and a steal.

Here are the quarter scores: 17-15, 35-28, 58-49, 86-66.

To find out more about yesterday's game, you can go and read >>> Red Lions gobble up erratic St. Benilde.

Til next time...

July 6: San Beda Red Lions vs. Arellano University Chiefs

After shocking the Letran Knights during their July 3 game, the Chiefs were themselves shaken by the Lions in today's game ending with a 28 point lead in favor of the Red Lions, 102-74.

I was, actually, worried that the shooting power of the Chiefs could help them win their game against the Lions but turned out, the latter were prepared enough to congest the Chiefs' shots. Indeed, the San Beda Red Lions are the kings of the court exhibiting their athletic skills and authority.

First quarter ended with only 6-point lead, 20-14. With Borgie Hermida regaining his basketball legs, the team started with a challenging play against the Arellano University Chiefs.

Second quarter was full of aggression on the Red Lions' end denying the Chiefs' baskets during the first couple of minutes. But, the Chiefs' shooting power came out at 7 minutes releasing a 3, but was answered with a 2 by the Lions. Sudan Daniel got a basket and free throws within 5 minutes on the clock. Lanete followed with a 3 and the next couple of minutes, both teams making scores. Lanete scored another 3 at over 4 minutes. The Lions still up with loud roars, at the same time, making petty errors here and there (along with the AU Chiefs). Failed 3 by Hermida & no score for the Chiefs at over 2 minutes. More turnovers by AU allowing the Lions to score. Last few seconds of the quarter, the Chiefs released a 3 ending with 16 point lead in favor of SBC, 50-34.

Third quarter's the peak of SBC's score. First couple of minutes, the advantage was up by 21 plus another 3 by Borgie Hermida. Daniel contributed 2 while they impair the opponents' offense but missed a charity throw at 3:34. Turnovers by the Chiefs increased but the team found an advantage in scoring through foul shots. Lanete let another 3 within the last 3 minutes of the quarter. Miranda scores for AU through charity toss. The Chiefs finally were able to score 2 within the last 2 minutes of the quarter. Daniel rejected a basket from AU and the lead went way up by 32 at 51.7 on the clock. But, small errors by the Lions allowed the Chiefs to lessen the lead through free throws ending the quarter with 28 point lead by the Lions, 79-51.

Fourth quarter was almost a chance for AU to catch up as their men started releasing 3s within the early minutes of the final quarter. They also exhibited strength in defense while the Lions started becoming a little erratic opening their defense for the Chiefs to make long shots. Under 6 minutes, Virtudazo let a 3 but Baby Shaq Taganas immediately answered with a 2. Two consecutive 2s for the Lions under 2 minutes and no score for AU. At 1:48, the Chiefs scored 3 and Miranda made a 2 after an attempt by the Lions. Last couple of seconds, the Lions scored one last 3 ending with 28 point advantage, 102-74.

Jay-R Taganas was the star player of the game. I wasn't able to get his stats, sorry.

The San Beda College Juniors also won the game against AU Juniors, 106-51.

Not that the first game was nothing to me. Just I wasn't able to watch it because I was watching a flick after lunch. So, I have no idea which team won. First game was EAC against AUF.

Last friday, July 3, I was out so I missed the happenings in NCAA. But, here's where you can find details of last friday's games:

St. Benilde now 2-0 after stopping Mapua
JRU crushes hapless Perpetual Help

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SBC's game against SSC-Recolettos last July 1st was an overthrow ending with 83-77 in favor of SSC-R. And twas quite disappointing for the SBC fans since the team was holding the advantage during the first 3 quarters. But, the lead didn't reach any higher than 5 and the game was, in fact, a pretty tight one. This was what pushed coach Ato Agustin to encourage his men to focus and snatch the lead from the Lions, which they were able to do at the last quarter.

Game's Star Player was Jimbo Aquino.

Personal views: the Lions could have won the game had there been an initiative to do offensive & defensive rebounds by the big men. Also, they opened their defense for SSC-R's 3-pointer to score. A friend thought that keeping Pascual, Hermida and Marcelo in the bench during the crucial minutes of the final quarter also jeopardized their victory.

For more NCAA basketball (& UAAP) updates, please just visit Inbound Pass. And for complete schedule list and results, go HERE.

San Beda Red Lions' Upcoming Games

Just sharing the upcoming games of the Lions...

All games will be held at the FilOil Flying V Arena, San Juan.

July 1
Wednesday
2:00PM
vs. San Sebastian College-Recoletos

July 6
Monday
4:00PM
vs. Angeles University

July 13
Monday
2:00PM
vs. College of Saint Benilde

July 17
Friday
4:00PM
vs. University of Perpetual Help System Delta

July 24
Friday
2:00PM
vs. College of San Juan de Letran

July 31
Friday
4:00PM
vs. Emilio Aguinaldo College

August 5
Wednesday
2:00PM
vs. Arellano University

August 10
Monday
4:00PM
vs. Jose Rizal University

For complete NCAA Season 85 upcoming games, go to John Paul Manahan's Official Domain.

I just learned that the 3 teams added (Arellano University, Angeles University and Emilio Aguinaldo College) were only invited to be guest teams for the 2009-2010 season and will still need to apply to be NCAA members for the next season. However, should any of the guest teams win any events they participate in will be eligible and will be part of their acceptance as full members. This is the decision of the Management Committee.

Too bad my alma mater (Centro Escolar University) was not chosen. It's one of the top candidates to fill the spot left by PCU, which is currently taking an indefinite leave for identity switching in their Juniors basketball team. But, I believe they will be back next season, anyway. Am wondering, though, what considerations taken for choosing the 3 guest teams.

Another 33C day! Deciding whether to watch NCAA live games today or not. No game for SBC, anyway, so why bother? But, am excited to see how the 3 guest teams play. Is there something to fret about? Are they threats? That's what I wish to find out. For me to know this, I really need to head to the Arena as today's games won't be televised. Aww. Looks like I don't have enough time to prepare. It's already 1:02PM and the 1st game starts at 2PM. Surely, the good seats are already taken.

On with the day, I guess.

Til next game.

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.

This morning, I was anxious to get myself out of bed for no clear reason. Weather's somewhat unbearable at 33C so, I was unsuccessful. Took longer time in bed until I remembered there's one very important thing I needed to do. Twas Hippo who reminded me tis NCAA 85 Season Opening today. That was already lunchtime so there's no chance for me to rush to Araneta Coliseum where NCAA holds its opening every year. Another opening of season I missed attending, so I was stuck in front of the television the entire afternoon.

Still I was excited only to realize that 2 of my favorite lions are not anymore playing: Escobal and Menor along with Sam Ekwe. Awww.

Anyway, I didn't know I didn't blog about last year's games. How was that possible? Twas their 3rd win and I never wrote about that season at all? *perplexed*

...ok, so, the program went pretty good with all the presentations and interviews hosted by the San Beda College. Petty observation: dancers and cheerers are becoming shorter and shorter each year. What is happening?

Yet, the excitement truly kicked off when the games started. First game was the San Beda Red Lions vs. the Mapua Cardinals. I must say the game was amateur for a 3rd time champ team. Too many lame errors by the lions and they really need to work on their free throws for the next game against the Bombers (or else).

The San Beda Red Lions won the first game.

HIGHLIGHTS

First quarter: Mapua was quiet for the first 4 minutes. Borgie Hermida showed high performance as soon as his check in, although, he hasn't regained his basketball legs from ACL injury, yet. MIT's consistent turnovers gave the SBC a 12-point advantage and ended with 15-point lead in this quarter, 27-11.

Second quarter: Long drought for the Cardinals leading to 20-point advantage in favor of the Lions, but picked up a little with the help of Ramises with a 3-pointer & inside shots. Three minutes on the clock, MIT still struggling to put the lead down, but Lim answered with a 3-pointer maintaining their 20-point advantage. The Cardinals picked up again after a quick time out and successfully put the lead down to 15 at 2 minutes and 13 at 40 seconds on the clock. Yet, Tirona made a wrap-around-pass to Lanete who then let out a 2 point score ending the quarter with 15-point lead, 39-24.

Third quarter: Gamalinda scored 2 & 3 at the start of the first half and SBC center Sudan Daniel (rookie) gave a superslam taking the lead to 24. Soriano of MIT let a 3-pointer taking the lead down with Acosta converting inside shots, but the Lions are unstoppable and still raise the lead up to the game's highest, 26. Quarter score 63-37.

Fourth quarter: Cinco gave 3 consecutive shots at the start of the final quarter as the lions' defense weakened. The entire quarter went boring as if teams and audience were only waiting which team scores next. Espinosa contributed 2 consecutive shots for the Cardinals while Pascual answered for the Lions with 2 consecutive scores at the final seconds of the game. Soliman, out of desperation, made a rookie error giving a foul just before the bell.

Final score: 85-52
Star player: Sudan Daniel - 13 points, 9 rebounds, 5 blocks and 2 assists


Second game: the Letran Knights vs. JRU Heavy Bombers.

Wilson kicked off the score. First quarter was full of personal fouls as the game was undeniably physical, which is really expected of the 2 teams. Game was tight but the lead was in favor of the Bombers. Jazul scored after a moment of silence from the Knights. Gutilban let a 3-pointer. Jazul inned an inside shot at the last seconds ending the first quarter with 20-17 in favor of JRU.

Defense went tighter for the two teams. Several turnovers were forced through the Knights' strong defense causing the bombers to make more errors. Wilson gave a 3-point shot at 4:40. Last shot by Aloysius Taplah (rookie) of Letran, his first basket for the season, but not enough to take them to the lead. Score in favor of JRU 36-30.

My brother suddenly appeared and we talked incessantly the rest of the afternoon til early evening. I missed the 3rd quarter scores. :(

JRU won the game, 69-66. Wilson being the player of the game.

But, the game was good. Much better than the first one. A game of skilled and professional players. The Bombers are still intact with most of its main men playing losing only Nocom. Cena, Wilson, Hayes, Cagoco and NJei still are displaying their strong and expert skills. It's only a matter of how the coach will use them to be this season's champs.

During the entire game, it's quite noticeable how the little errors of the Bombers impacted their play and ended with only 3 point lead when within the remaining 4 minutes of the 4th quarter their lead reached 12.

The Letran Knights truly gave a good fight in this game and with lesser errors the next games, I believe they have a strong fight to the finals. The team's key losses are Daa and Melegrito. The main men -- Guevarra and Jazul -- need a lot of hard work and confidence to help the team make it to the finals.

So far, the JRU Bombers have the strongest advantage and there's no doubt they can really advance to the finals. This scares me as, of course, SBC is my baby. Real hard work is needed for them to maintain their 3-season title.

Next game's on Monday, 29 June 2009 at the Arena (San Juan).

1st game - 2PM
College of Saint Benilde Blazers
vs.
Angeles University Foundation Great Danes

2nd game - 4PM
Arellano University Chiefs
vs.
Emilio Aguinaldo College Generals


Back to being a sports fan. heh

I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.

Today, I received a package from VA, USA through FedEx. Been expecting this really, but wasn't expecting it to arrive today. Good thing am home. Or, a bad thing? Twas a huge box for what package I expected but didn't even mind wondering why. So, I opened the box and voila! It doesn't contain only one book but two with four DVDs and some packs of sweet goodies! Thanks, Tom!

Until now, I still don't know what I should feel. Maybe, because I wasn't really expecting anything like this to happen. Yes, I know it was me who requested GOD to give me something that will keep me more occupied so I can escape from the feelings of depression but my request was nothing as grand as this one.

Twas Friday (or Saturday) last week when I fervently prayed to GOD about my sitch (one of the many times I poured my heart out to HIM the past weeks). Asked HIM this and that. One of the requests was to help me get my attention off this nagging emotions inside me. Sunday early morning, I received a call from Tom with his loud news he's going to hire me as a full time proposal writer. Because my brain was still slumbering at that moment, I reacted a bit unexcited. In fact, I kinda responded like, "hey, are you nuts?! This is not my field, y'know." I found myself refusing the offer almost immediately while Tom kept his patience encouraging me that it's a very good deal.

For almost an hour (or so), we were just talking about the same thing. And because I knew he's not gonna stop until I say YES, I had to tell him I need time to think about it, which he respected but still left me with more encouraging words (and compliments) before letting me go.

But, I was too engrossed with my emotions. I took it as if it added burden to my already heavy chest. It's so wrong how I felt, I know. This is a blessing, for crying out loud! I've been hearing about people being laid off here and there. Mom told me about my cousin who's, mind you, a very intelligent girl but lost her job recently. And here I am sulking about the job being offered to me?! Just what was I thinking, right?

They're offering me a very generous compensation for one. In addition to what I am already earning monthly, here's another PhPxx,xxx plus a commission based bonus of PhPxx,xxx for every successful proposal. This is just for the first months of training. By the 3rd month, he promised to raise my basic to PhPxx,xxx still with the cbb. So, that can already buy me a new car in less than 10 months!

I will be spared of sulking and feeling sorry for myself for two. Tom was straightforward enough to tell me that the first 5-6 months will be very demanding for me. The fact that I need to learn the ins and outs of the industry...I may be required to work 10 hours or as needed per day. This translates to >> I won't have any chance to feel myself anymore. << My hours will be spent productively.

Because I will have to spend longer hours being more workaholic and OC, I can probably have good night slumbers at the end of each day for three. Am expecting more headache, more backache and drained mind. All these can surely get me exhausted enough to have comfortable zzzs.

This is going to widen my knowledge and opportunities for four. Not a lot of people are given this rare opportunity to learn while working. The offer's nothing like no-brainer than the tasks am presently doing. Not that I don't love the 2 jobs I am currently juggling. Just, this one is a real challenge. In addition to learning more, there's the opportunity to get acquainted with more possible clients and business partners.

GOD answered my prayer for five. Guess, HE's staring back at me with so much pity because of how crushed I am or I am making myself to be. So, HE gave me something to appreciate.

Obviously, I understand how silly I am to refuse such an offer. I clearly understand that there are more reasons under 'advantages slot' than 'disadvantages slot".

Now, looking at the contents of the package, I feel fear. Fear of failing or of not meeting what's expected of me. I want to question GOD, "why do you trust me this much?" In fact, I believe I have already asked HIM this several times. Cause, I can't seem to take it whenever HE's like placing such great faith in me. HE believes in me that much when I can't even believe in my own self. But, well, just like what Wilbert's forwarded message to me says, "When we are given heavy loads by GOD, it only means that we are WORTHY of HIS trust". It's comforting to know that GOD thinks I am worthy of HIS trust. This makes me feel so guilty right now. I should stop whining and being a wimp.

Thanks to Ron W. for always posting reminders from the Bible on FB. Here's what I need to keep in mind from this day forward:

John 14:27 — Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Peace is what GOD is giving me. HE wants me to not let my heart be troubled and to be not afraid. HE will guide me.

Finally, who even posted this as her blast in FB? "Do not ask the Lord to guide your steps if you are not willing to move your feet." -- ME!


Toodle-oo!

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy. I've never said this to anybody before in my whole life. Cam... I love you.

~ Good luck Chuck

You're scared because you don't understand... I'm scared because I do.

Something to ponder about:

Marc: he could be a weak person - not fighting for the girl of his dreams - and does not want you to think of him as less chivalrous by dumping his current girl for you. This to me is a just a cop-out. If he truly loves you, he should move mountains and go to any length to be with you.

would you want someone like him as a partner, knowing that he gave up on you easily?

I feel like I should say something smart.

There was a man who saw a scorpion almost drowning in water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried, but the scorpion stung him again. Another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion. But the man said, "It's the nature of the scorpion to sting, it's my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it's the nature of the scorpion to sting?" Don't give up caring, don't give up loving, don't give up your goodness even when everyone around you stings.

It's true that it's tiring to love. You keep giving and giving without expecting anything in return but pain. Sometimes, I don't know if I should curse that I was born this way or rejoice that my heart's comparatively better than the rest. But, seriously, it takes so much to have compassion. Because even it aches, there's more inside me to give away.

Lizzie would always say my goodness doesn't bring me good. It is rather a liability. That I am susceptible to abuse and all. Yes, that's true. There's no point in contesting. But, how can I fight my heart? It condemns me when I get angry, when I start thinking for myself, when I complain, when I ask something in return, when there's a real need to say mean things...blah blah blah... I mean, I am asking the same question from the story above -- "Why should I give up my nature to love just because it's the nature of the scorpion to sting?"

Funny how I found this story, actually... and how I had to show it to Lizzie right away. Maybe, it's really comforting to know that there might be a lot like me somewhere who won't mind getting stung by scorpions and not give up their nature only because the world is unfriendly and hostile.

Another argument Lizzie would throw at me is this: "how can you love others if you don't firstly love yourself?" Something a bit hard for me to answer. For me, I give love and that's what gives me happiness. By loving others...even those who hurt and are hurting me still...I love myself. How? Because I respect my nature. I do as I wish. It might be hurting me, but it gives me fulfillment. Like riding a roller coaster is frightening and risky, but people still ride it to satisfy themselves because they love themselves. The way I love myself just so happened to be loving others. End of argument.

Until you are happy with who you are You will never be happy with what you have.

Why is it, when you are looking for that someone, you find no one, but, once you find it, a lot more choices start showing up? But, if you leave that first love, then, they all start drifting away? Is that love's way of testing your true feelings or to see if your ready for love?

If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long?

Did you ever notice that people give up on love as they get older?

When you're a little girl, all you want to do is fall in love. Then when you're a teenager, every guy you meet you think is "the one". Then when you're an adult and you have been hurt from the breakups as a teen, you're not interested in love anymore. You just don't want to be alone, so you settle for someone you might even know isn't your soul mate. I know so many adults that aren't truly where they want to be. I just try to think about what they might have went through to make them settle for second best, and I hope that doesn't happen to me.

There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open... with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for paths. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. Learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong and you really do have worth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

So sad to know that people rather choose not to communicate. I mean, we're all so excited to hear the first words of a baby. We're looking forward that they will soon start to communicate their feelings or thoughts to make it easier for us to respond to them. I wonder why when we grow up, it becomes harder for us to communicate yet easier to talk behind another's back. Such a wrong way to make use of communication.

What makes it easier to talk behind another's back? This I can't answer but all I know is this is an activity convenient fo dastards. Sadly, it's those we consider friends are the first ones to do this dirty deed to us. Instead of telling us where we're going wrong, they'd broadcast it to others for others to have the greatest privilege to look down on us. You rely on friends to back you up yet they end up speaking all kinds of evil about/against you. They're the first ones to judge you as if your mistake is unforgiveable. How grateful I am that they're not god. I am happy with the GOD I know for HE does not condemn no matter how grave the sin we commit. What right do we have to condemn others and really make them feel we do not want to have anything to do with them? I call these kinds of people hypocrite.

“It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.”

At least, I am now more aware who to trust. I know enough that when someone talks so much about others especially their ugly side, this is not the kind of friend anyone would want to have.

“Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.”

...what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.

A life without purpose is not a life worth living.

What do we live for? Are we chasing the wrong things? Are we putting value on the wrong things, relationships or emotions? If your answer to the last two questions is YES, then, you are not living a meaningful life.

So what? What's the point in creating a meaningful and purposeful life? I'll tell you what. One weighty reason is because 'we are all in search for real happiness'. Happiness that is genuine with peace and contentment can never be achieved if we live wandering around without making any sense of what our life is about. Emptiness is the outcome. We end up with a disillusioned life.

Often, we find ourselves lost. Without any clear vision of where we're going or what we're supposed to do. Everyday, we'd wake up and do our routine without clearly understanding why we're doing what we do. Or, because it's what we grow up learning to do with life. Children sleep early at night to wake up early the next day to prepare for school. They'd spend most of their day in the school campus, go back home and do the same things. Adults struggle to sleep early at night to wake up the next morning to prepare breakfast for the kids... single adults grab any ready-to-eat goodies in the fridge ... then, rush their way to the corporate world and deal with the everyday work pressures and stress. Everything like a routine. We think life is really just a cycle.

Truth is, children truly need to go to school and make good grades while adults, single and married alike, need to work, earn and save. However, these are not the only reasons why we all move on and go about with our valuable lives. If these were all the reasons we know why we live on Earth, then, happiness can never be found. Because there is nothing meaningful in these things aside from the fact that we all should survive. Children need to learn to land good jobs when they grow old. When they grow old, they should still keep struggling since competition is tight. What is so interesting about that?

Yet, aside from the basics, there are more in life that we need to understand. One is, we can make our life real meaningful. Something that gives us deeper purpose that will satisfy our soul. Something that will bring us true happiness from the satisfaction that we have done something extraordinary. By living outside the box. Who would want to remain using a black & white television set when colored ones are available? Break routines and seek your purpose. Learn how to make your life meaningful.

The question is "HOW?"

Not long ago, I couldn't understand what they mean by, 'life is about relationships'... 'no man is an island' until I learned that, indeed, we need others to be truly happy. Knowing that someone is listening, someone cares, someone understands... it's already a relief. We learn through others. The things we already know are sharpened and strengthened by another person.

I used to be a loner. But, whenever I was with people, I drew learnings from them. I inquired a lot about how they live, how they learn, how they react to situations without realizing my need for these information, which I can never learn had I chosen to not be around people. Good thing there's school. What could've happened to me if I were a complete hermit and locked myself in the house because of my natural fear of people hurting me?

If not for the people I met and allowed in my life, my learnings won't be complete. My knowledge of the world won't increase. Relationship is extremely important. All kinds of it.

...And maintaining relationships -- friendship, love, familial, etc -- requires making another person happy. Knowing that we make others happy gives us satisfaction and real happiness. It gives us self-worth knowing we have done something divine for another human being. At least, this is one very important way I know how to live a meaningful life. Not to mention very satisfying.

In fact, there are countless ways to live with so much purpose. Depends on each one of us. We must live according to how we are designed to live. But, here's a better way of realizing things better. When you start feeling empty, as if, you're walking half-asleep... with no clear direction... ask yourself these questions, 'why do I feel this way?' ... 'What is missing?' More often than not, we find these questions hard to answer. We struggle to get answers, and at times, we just give up we'd ever know the answers we need. This is about the time we must start to surrender ourselves to our creator Who knows the very purpose why we exist. It's just about time that we open our hearts and place our faith in only HIM.

During my 2ndth day (2ndth week) attending the "One Life To Live" seminar (I chose to be with the Wednesday people), Marielle, the group facilitator challenged us to answer one substantial question, "how NOT to live a life with purpose?" I was compelled to look back at my life. Here are my answers:

1. To live in the past.
2. To live with fear and disappointments.

(these were the only 2 answers I was able to give at that time since there was very limited time to discuss for each group member)

Elaboration: First point. Past is already history. We can never undo anything. We've been hurt, we've already failed... there's nothing that we can do to change what already happened. If we let our past take a hold of our life, then, we only tend to cling to the ugly events in our life, which will then, make us cynical. For those who have very good disposition, remembering the past can be helpful. The ugly events in their lives can inspire them to be resilient and strong. But, to most, dwelling in the past, especially, the not-so-pleasant-memories may hinder them from living a worthwhile life because something holds them back. They fear, therefore, they can't completely give of themselves. Am sure this is self-explanatory and many can actually give better rationale to this point I gave.

Second point. Once we become controlled by our tendency to live in the past, fear sets in. Disappointments collect. It becomes hard to trust because we remember that people in our past hurt us. So, the things we are supposed to do, we fail to do in fear people will let us down again. There will be things which we will be incapable of doing because we are afraid that we might fail again (if we keep remembering the failures we had when we were younger). Fear inhibits us from spreading our wings.

Personal experience taught me these things. I could've been a better person, I could've reached my dreams had I not allowed myself to live in the past and let fear control me. But, I already did. And the only way I can release myself from this bondage is to forget about "could've beens". I am choosing to live in the NOW. So, everything I wasn't able to do before, I will now leave behind so I can finally move on and start doing what I can do living in the present. I must stop dwelling in the past and remember sad memories only to teach me how I can live life to the full.

Surely, everyone of us have our own sad stories to tell. But, these stories should not hinder us from being the persons we ought to be. We must not allow our past pains to affect our relationships. We must not allow our past pains to control our lives, actions and way of thinking. Cause if we do, we are surely to waste our precious lives.

Because of my fears, I surrounded myself with very tall walls around me. I didn't want to be hurt. Not anymore. With it, I was not able to totally make use of my special gift -- compassion. Because of fear, my growth and progress were hampered. I missed so many opportunities. I didn't live my life to the full. I knew I could've done a lot, but with fear overwhelmed me, I was stuck. I wasted precious years. I wasted my life.

How about you? How will you answer this question based on your personal experience?... "how NOT to live a life with purpose?"

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

When everything in your life is right on track, it’s easy to believe that things happen for a reason. It’s easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong, then it’s very hard to hold onto that faith. Its hard not to wonder whose reasons these things are happening for.

True isn't it?

It's the last day of the month. So many things happened. If I will choose to be pessimistic I'd (without reservation) say it's 85% bad. And, if I didn't know how much GOD loves me, I'd let all the faith I have fade away. Yeah, why should sad things happen in the first place? The big question, "WHY?"

I placed my faith on the possibility that my cousin could still survive. She didn't. Eleven thirty, morning of January 19, 2009, she passed away. I still grieve for her death. No, we're not close. We were not the type who would meet everyday ...laugh and talk about life. Our relationship was nothing like that. So, why the heck am I affected? Who knows? Can't even answer this question myself. But, my heart is grieving. For me to even take time to write about her ...and her always in my mind. It's letting the pain live. My heart is sad. Why did it have to happen?

She's a promising 23-year-old girl. Bright. Maybe, we didn't know each other well. I knew only very lil things about her. But, I believe she brought so many joys in many people's lives. Maybe, the sadness roots from the fact that we didn't had the chance to spend more time with each other. Or, that I wasn't able to help her during her days on that death bed. But, I was hopeful. I kept my faith. I believed she will survive and live longer. As I prayed for her healing, I added tremendous amount of faith that GOD will let her survive and she will live to tell her tale. So, when mom broke the news, I hardly could react. I wasn't even able to shed a tear. I have so much disappointment within.

But, of course, I have to let go. Just as everyone else is letting go. Believe that it's the best thing to happen. After all, she suffered more than enough. Maybe, I should just accept what all others are saying, let her go, so she can finally rest.

About the same time, I also had to deal with so many pressures. My patience was tried. I kept failing. And, I kept realizing how worthless I am without GOD as my guiding light. The month was more of a training one for me. Can I say I successfully passed it? Well, I don't want to be self-righteous now. I better just leave this unanswered.

All I want to say, though, is... it's hard to keep faith alive when you're in troubled waters. When there seems to be more questions than answers. When you keep failing yourself or whenever you don't meet your expectations of yourself. It's just tough. At times, you can think of nothing else but stop believing in anything. Move on without any sense of purpose. Just walk along with all other people. Because, whenever I try to live with so much purpose and I fail, I also don't stop condemning myself for each failure. And, seriously, am tired.

I wonder how people get by. I wonder how all others are dealing with losses. I wonder if many are just like me who gets to experience the same often. Guess am not as invincible as I thought I was.

Yes, I am not as resilient. I am not strong. I might be the weakest among the weak. But, this one thing I know... GOD is with me. And the question, "whose reasons these things are happening for?" The only answer I know is, GOD.

There were so many ugly things that happened. Some unimaginable. But, I don't get to dwell on them anymore like how I used to. Yes, oftentimes, I get to remember even the ugly moments in my life since I was very small. But, they don't affect me as much anymore. Somehow, I am being released from the bondages. Inch by inch. One step at a time, I move forward. And I am regaining my faith and everything that I had lost. This is not even my own efforts. It is because I let GOD do the work for me.

GOD don't love me less with my every failure. Instead, HE loves me more. And I feel my relationship with HIM is becoming stronger. This makes me confident that whatever happens, I will find strength to get by.

Tomorrow is next month. In fact, in a few minutes it's already February. I am not anticipating better days. I am trusting that through ups and downs, I have GOD to share my everydays with. Nothing more comforting than knowing this.