I understand. I'm tired of understanding. All I do is understand.

Sometimes all we ask for is simply to be given allowances. To be understood. Maybe it's just me but I feel that I am so restricted. That I have to be always careful with what I do or I fail someone. This, to me, seem unfair. And, not to mention...requiring such unflinching effort.

There are times am wondering how come there are too many "really" bad people who can just get away with some nasty things they do to another. Yet, when it comes to me, one wrong move and it's like I never done anything good in my life. When I know there were countless goods I'd done. (All us have done countless goods to others...even the bad guys.) When I know in my heart that in everything I do, I always consider the welfare of others. How can life be so bias?

You know those bullies in school? Or the work bullies? They do whatever they wish. They lord over the weak but do they even get punished enough? Of course, I don't mean to say they must be severely punished. Just am thinking why am I not given the same consideration as these group of people? People give excuses for them. That they're from broken families, that they're this and that... Can't anyone also give reasons for me sometimes? Don't I have the right to be like everyone else -- human? Flawed, that is.

After I had forgiven myself for some unpleasant things I'd done, I realized that you can never truly understand your humanity until you get into a state of sporadic madness. I'd even conclude that you are never truly a human being until you get into this state. Because nobody's perfect. Yet, most of my earlier years, I made great attempts to be. I was almost successful in trying to be proper as humanly possible. Many even thought I was too-good-to-be-true (by doing so). Some cynics around me even insisted there were ulterior motives behind my actions. Some even took closer look at my every move to catch me red-handed. Like the dot on a clean bond paper... the mistakes I made are what people rather use to define me. At least, this is how I was made to feel.

Ecclesiastes 7:16 makes lotsa sense: Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise--why destroy yourself? That's why I started allowing myself to just be human. All I need everyone to understand is I also have moods. I also get angry. I also feel pain. Are these things only your privileges? No. Because I, too, am a person. A person influenced by emotions.

Can I just go on with my life not having to beg for understanding? Without having to explain or defend myself all the time? Must I simply not care about how people unfairly judge me and just tell and admit to myself I'd done some silly stuffs, therefore, I just deserve whatever judgment given to me?

There are really times it gets truly frustrating. Especially, when you know in your heart that you care. I wish I do not care, at all. Tell myself the same things most people tell themselves when people look down on them -- "you're not a loss" ..."I am blessed with so many friends so you can get lost!" ..."you're not worth my time" blah blah blah. How I wish I can just convince myself that people don't matter to me. Only they do. Sidewalk beggars even move my heart. I cry inside (often literally) whenever I see hungry street children selling sampaguita garlands in highways and knock on car windows when traffic light shows red. How much more my acquaintances...friends?

Lizzie would always tell me that I am (and will be) given no chance to prove myself by people who, right from the start, don't like me. There's no point in expecting they ever will. No great deed I can ever do to change the way they see me because they simply don't like me and I just gotta accept that. So, am only causing trouble to myself hoping that there is something that I can do to change the way they feel about me. Even if it costs me my life. Simply put irremediable. Stage 4.

Will just conclude this journal with this quote:

"when you meet a person for the first time, please don't judge them by their station in life. Because who knows, that person just might end up being your best friend."