Sullen and Austere

Heartbroken is how I define my current state. Saturday morning, I thought, could've been the start of my sunny days until I stepped out of the bathroom after a couple of hours' early bath and found out that the flood waters already managed to get inside the house. Worries began to consume me again as 3 of my housemates were, at that time, trying to reach home but were stuck somewhere due to the rising floods in almost all routes leading home. My heart was throbbing real hard as I prayed. It's a frustrating feeling, actually. The fact that I know I should just trust GOD's heart and the desire to do something to help my friends placed my sanity on the line. Not to mention, I was freaking out seeing the fridge, my Omnitrack, the furnitures, the washer already submerged in flood waters. Terrible...terrible feeling.

Believe me, I tried to calm myself down. But, I heard more, which caused me to worry more. If I can only do something was what's playing in my head. I know and I admit I can't do anything else in my power. Prayer was the best help I could've really given but was not able to give much only because I was too engrossed with my emotions. Silly...silly.

There was already no electric supply that afternoon. Our transistor radio only had one battery when it requires 3. Flood water outside the townhomes was ceaselessly rising. At that time, twas already waist high, so, we can't risk our house helper to buy 2 more. Not knowing what was happening to my friends and knowing what was happening around resulted into paranoia. I felt so helpless.

It's not helpful, I know. And it's like insinuating "I am better than GOD because I would do something if I could." And questioning, "How can HE remain silent while HIS people are troubled and needing help?" Totally wrong. But, it took me a while to realize it. I was simply overwhelmed by my emotions.

Everyone was able to reach home safely early evening. I wanted to break down, but, I felt I should better tame myself and just be thankful nothing bad happened to them. Somehow, my heart became still. Even had ice cream before going to bed.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we were able to purchase 2 batteries with the ice cream, so, the rest of the night, we were all keeping ourselves updated with what's happening outside. We heard so many SOS calls over the portable radio. Again, my heart started to melt. I simply can't just be thankful I was not in the same situation. I felt for those people.

That day was supposed to be the day my grannies were to move to a smaller room just beside the place they stayed in for years. That was also the same day I planned to treat them out for their double birthday celebration (25th & 27th). The night before I was even insisting to cancel their moving out on the next day. Then, Ketsana (PAGASA name: Ondoy) came.

Both had to be cancelled.

Early Sunday morning, I received text messages that Church services are cancelled due to heavy rains and flooding. So, I thought, we can push with the celebration. Electric supply was restored around 3am and the first thing we did was to try if we can turn to local news. Cable was down. Still, we're half unaware of the damage Ondoy caused. We even managed to watch a flick. (Not a nice one. Boo.) We turned to Internet and that's when we learned how Ondoy caused so much destruction & even claimed lives. Depression set in again. I was crippled for 2 more days.

What can this gift of compassion help me with if am too weak to handle such happenings? *sighs*

Today, I took action. I dragged myself out of the house and bought goods to donate. I collected some clothes to give to a Church chum who lost most of their stuffs.

Nine in the morning, I took a shower and then had breakfast. Checked each closet after for spare clothes. At past 10, we were already in the grocery to buy packs of crackers, a box of noodles, boxes of bottled water, boxes of Big 250 and some cans of sardines. Dropped the goods and then headed to Cubao to deliver the clothes to the Church chum I mentioned earlier.

Made me feel a lil better but because of my nature, I simply can't feel I have done enough. Am such a morose person. I so detest it.