When everything in your life is right on track, it’s easy to believe that things happen for a reason. It’s easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong, then it’s very hard to hold onto that faith. Its hard not to wonder whose reasons these things are happening for.
True isn't it?
It's the last day of the month. So many things happened. If I will choose to be pessimistic I'd (without reservation) say it's 85% bad. And, if I didn't know how much GOD loves me, I'd let all the faith I have fade away. Yeah, why should sad things happen in the first place? The big question, "WHY?"
I placed my faith on the possibility that my cousin could still survive. She didn't. Eleven thirty, morning of January 19, 2009, she passed away. I still grieve for her death. No, we're not close. We were not the type who would meet everyday ...laugh and talk about life. Our relationship was nothing like that. So, why the heck am I affected? Who knows? Can't even answer this question myself. But, my heart is grieving. For me to even take time to write about her ...and her always in my mind. It's letting the pain live. My heart is sad. Why did it have to happen?
She's a promising 23-year-old girl. Bright. Maybe, we didn't know each other well. I knew only very lil things about her. But, I believe she brought so many joys in many people's lives. Maybe, the sadness roots from the fact that we didn't had the chance to spend more time with each other. Or, that I wasn't able to help her during her days on that death bed. But, I was hopeful. I kept my faith. I believed she will survive and live longer. As I prayed for her healing, I added tremendous amount of faith that GOD will let her survive and she will live to tell her tale. So, when mom broke the news, I hardly could react. I wasn't even able to shed a tear. I have so much disappointment within.
But, of course, I have to let go. Just as everyone else is letting go. Believe that it's the best thing to happen. After all, she suffered more than enough. Maybe, I should just accept what all others are saying, let her go, so she can finally rest.
About the same time, I also had to deal with so many pressures. My patience was tried. I kept failing. And, I kept realizing how worthless I am without GOD as my guiding light. The month was more of a training one for me. Can I say I successfully passed it? Well, I don't want to be self-righteous now. I better just leave this unanswered.
All I want to say, though, is... it's hard to keep faith alive when you're in troubled waters. When there seems to be more questions than answers. When you keep failing yourself or whenever you don't meet your expectations of yourself. It's just tough. At times, you can think of nothing else but stop believing in anything. Move on without any sense of purpose. Just walk along with all other people. Because, whenever I try to live with so much purpose and I fail, I also don't stop condemning myself for each failure. And, seriously, am tired.
I wonder how people get by. I wonder how all others are dealing with losses. I wonder if many are just like me who gets to experience the same often. Guess am not as invincible as I thought I was.
Yes, I am not as resilient. I am not strong. I might be the weakest among the weak. But, this one thing I know... GOD is with me. And the question, "whose reasons these things are happening for?" The only answer I know is, GOD.
There were so many ugly things that happened. Some unimaginable. But, I don't get to dwell on them anymore like how I used to. Yes, oftentimes, I get to remember even the ugly moments in my life since I was very small. But, they don't affect me as much anymore. Somehow, I am being released from the bondages. Inch by inch. One step at a time, I move forward. And I am regaining my faith and everything that I had lost. This is not even my own efforts. It is because I let GOD do the work for me.
GOD don't love me less with my every failure. Instead, HE loves me more. And I feel my relationship with HIM is becoming stronger. This makes me confident that whatever happens, I will find strength to get by.
Tomorrow is next month. In fact, in a few minutes it's already February. I am not anticipating better days. I am trusting that through ups and downs, I have GOD to share my everydays with. Nothing more comforting than knowing this.
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My sincere condolences to you, my friend. Well, I understand why you feel that way. Even if we are not close to our relatives, when something happens to them, we still feel the hurt. I have a cousin too who is experiencing great pain and needs dialysis 3 times a week. Not only that, he also had a heart surgery because his kidney problem's already affecting his heart and lungs for whatever medical reason that I do not understand. He is in tremendous pain everyday and he even posted on friendster that he already doesn't want to live anymore because of the pain. I guess what I'm saying is, when a person has an incurable disease and they experience pain everyday, sometimes God just wants to get rid of that pain by turning them into angels instead. I'm not saying my cousin will become an angel pretty soon but everybody's prepared for that too knowing that he is always in pain...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I also had a tito who died instantly about 5 or 6 years ago. He was my most handsome tito and he died suddenly just because of an asthma attack. It was a hospital flaw though, the nurse was stupid and 'coz of her stupidity my gwapo tito is not here anymore, leaving his 2 very young children and good wife. I guess you'll never recover from it. I still grieve for him and until now I still couldn't believe he is gone. I no longer hear him play the piano when he goes to Bacolod during lent, he no longer can teach me how to properly play the piano, and I can no longer smell his nice perfume and I can no longer see his gwapo face. *sigh* Oh well... All I can tell you is that the pain will gradually fade away but it won't totally leave you.
Cheer up, friend. You're the one who kept cheering me up this past month. You used to tell me that you can't imagine how it's like to help another when you yourself is in pain. Well, now you know. Tc and God bless.