Refinement Creates Beauty

Three days from now, it's already another year. Imagine that. Time passes by so fast. Twas like only yesterday when 2012 came. Now it's 2013 soon. Actually, I didn't really feel the festivities and all even though I had attended a few celebrations... I wasn't really able to feel the spirit. But, I know it's also a decision to choose to be thankful and, in my heart, I really am. Just, I can't deny how things are really shaking me right now. Sometimes, I just wanna wake up in a different world. I wanna wake up a different person.

Well, it's been a roller coaster ride this year, I must say. There had been answered prayers and still more unanswered. But, hey! Isn't it what gives excitement to life? Yeah, I can't deny I have many regrets, which I hope will be replaced by thanksgiving, in stead. I want my attitude to be right. God is building me up and I must not anymore resist. Seriously, it's tough, but nothing isn't. I talk about perspective and I simply wanna have a better one. God help me.

After nagging to God, He finally gave me what I was asking for early this year. He gave it just when things aren't really going so well anymore, ironically. Something that doesn't make sense to me. Or, could be I still am doing something not right. But, am really sure, it's really His answer to my years of nagging. Why in the most inconvenient time, I dunno. Still am thankful. And, He's really been generously gracious to me. So gracious I can't thank Him enough. But, more than anything, I am thankful for the wisdom that He's imparting to me with every situation that comes my way. That, in everything, He works for my good. Nothing but my good.

There's really not a lot that I can list down He granted me this year but I guess it's because I am focusing on what I was expecting to receive. So, I acknowledge even those that came unexpectedly ― small and big things alike. Just, I find it really tough to be pruned and molded at the same time. He's teaching me so much. Or, maybe, He's got no choice but to keep shooting lessons at me because I was too insistent to make things happen as I wish.  And, I know that He's been talking to me and He's really given me wisdom, knowledge and everything to equip me. Maybe, most of the time, I stay deaf or I act deaf. Am not sure. Or, could be, I am often shrugging off His instructions and reminders because I want to please myself. I can so relate to the Israelites! LOL

One of the things I have been taught was to trust Him not men. I guess for quite some time I simply relied on people. I am praying and praying and yet the voices of the people around me echo more to my ears and they're who I follow. Am in this tug-o-war of trusting either God or man. One of my biggest challenges, I must say. Not that I consider people better than God. Of course, I am not that nuts to think so. Maybe it's also pride that I am sure my judgment is good because God gave me a gift of sound judgment so I am confident that who I choose to trust is truly reliable. Still, it isn't right.  Through the years, God has been jealous because I seem to give more weight to what others feel and think more than what He feels and thinks. And, I know how I am hurting Him. At least now it's very clear to me. Thanks to His wisdom. And thanks that He opened my eyes to this fact about me which is something I wasn't really taking with a straight face. And, yeah, although I already know doesn't mean it's gonna be plain sailing to change. Still His grace is what I need.

Another thing is to be ALWAYS thankful. Whatever circumstance. That I shouldn't allow my situation control and influence my joy. This is something really tough. At times, I'd even end up wishing I was still the old me when I was just taking everything as they come. Growing up in a family where dad's strict, I learned obedience without complain. Twas natural for me to just follow and accept whatever comes. I wasn't always happy, of course. But, at least, I wasn't grumbling. There was the childlike faith that they only wanted the best for me. That's when I was still dependent on everything they have to say. I wish I never learned independence. However, staying the same won't allow me any progress. This was the answer I got from God when I asked Him, why He even had to allow me independence. Twas way better when I was not self-governing. Often, I'd wish I were still a child ― no need to make decisions, no responsibilities, no worries. I find it more convenient. Then, it dawned on me, I was looking at my Egypt. God is leading me to my Promised Land and I am staring back at my Egypt where I feel my comfort is in. God is equipping me more and more that's why I gotta embrace change. And it includes me having to make my own decisions, face the consequences of what decisions I make ― right or wrong ― without pointing fingers at and owning up all the bad ones. I can't emphasize enough, though, how terrible these are all happening at the same time in this season of my life. All I can help myself with is to consistently remind myself that a puzzle won't be complete without the smaller pieces. Each piece don't make sense...don't look pretty...on their own but creates a wonderful portrait with the rest of the other pieces. Like an ingredient, such as cumin, paprika, turmeric... don't taste nice unless mixed with the rest of the other ingredients to make a recipe. So is everything that happens to me may not make sense at the moment especially when heartache is involved, but I am sure they're all adornments to beautify my character in God's time. God's wisdom is truly awesome and I am so thankful He is lavishing me with much of it although I, most of the time, end up misusing or ignoring it. How wonderful is that?!

When I was a child, I wasn't complaining a lot. In fact, I can't remember myself whining about anything. I didn't like summer heat (even til now) but I never said a word about how I don't like it. I wasn't expressive with words. I think I didn't have a mind of my own, in fact. I was just going with the flow. Thinking about it, I also wish I were still like that child now. It's a happy life to just take things as they come. No questioning why, what, how, when, where...I don't know if it's just me but I miss that point of my life when I wasn't grumbling about anything no matter how difficult things went. If I had to walk long, I'd walk long without getting irritated. I never criticized anyone. And whenever I heard others giving their thoughts about another, I was surprised how their thoughts were that advanced when it never crossed my mind what they observed or judged. I was naive. I didn't totally like it at that time, of course. I felt so dumb. Somehow, I taught myself to be more observant and vocal only because I didn't wanna be thought of as slow-witted. Couldn't be so wrong but the motive was wrong. I mean, it helped me become better. It helped me to strive to always give excellence in almost everything. Just I did it for the wrong reason. Lately, I've been thinking and wishing I still have even a little of that child in me, at least. A lotta things happened in my life and they made me who I am now. As I go through life there are more roads to trek and situations to pull of, so, naturally, God equips me with more tools. Only I need to learn how to operate them properly. Guess, God had to really expose what's in my heart to teach me better lessons that I would never learn any other way. I don't need to miss being that child and resent who I am now. I only need to make use of God's tools like self control. I may have learned the habit of complaining but He has given me the tool to fight it. In fact, He has given me the best tool of all ― LOVE. If I live and walk in love every second of my life, I am already fine. ^_^

Two last things I wanna share I learned the hardest this year are: to not be critical; and, to let go of control. If as a child I was just receiving everything as they're given to me, as an adult I became self-seeking. I am almost always after my self-interest. When things don't go my way, I become cranky. My words become blade that pierce people to the core. Should've been like this, should've been like that are just some of the famous lines that usually come out of my mouth. I became the person like those people I heard criticizing others during my childhood. I was reminded that I promised myself I will never be like them. But, I guess, I allowed myself to be corrupted by the world. 

Maybe I don't need to keep wishing to be that child again. I can't go back to being a child again. I can't keep looking at the rear view mirror and regret, resent and have all the negative feelings about how I turned out to be. In fact, I should be thankful because God saved me from being the monster I could've been had He not led me through the Holy Spirit. There's so much to thank God for than focusing on the downsides. Change is necessary and inevitable. All the things I had to go through, all that I have become through the years are part of everything. Part of my metamorphosis. And as I stumble, as I break, as I fall...I learn. I am humbled. And I acknowledge more that I am NOTHING apart from God. But, I am SOMEONE under His grace. To Him be the glory! Hopeful that the coming year will make me all peaches! ^_^

Just reflecting...

I suppose it’s about trust between people in the end.

We all should make efforts to not make the Christmas spirit fade anytime in a year. It should always remain and be felt even it's not December. I was reading diverse Christmas and holiday greetings over the Net and one of the messages that caught my attention is this: "this is the season of forgiving NOT JUST thanking". Well, I believe that we really NEED to forgive in order to express thanksgiving. We can never fully express how thankful we are for all the blessings we received if we don't do this act. The real essence of Christmas is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It's all the reason why we are having the feasts, the gatherings, the exchanging of gifts...because God, through HIS Son, made that decision to forgive us our transgressions in order to have a relationship with us. As the Word says, "God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son."

There are times I'd think about why is relationship WITH ME so important to God that He had to send Jesus here on Earth to serve, to suffer and to die an agonizing death ONLY to rescue me from my ungodliness and share an everlasting relationship with me. One Man had to suffer just because God wants me to have a relationship with Him. Doesn't make so much sense. Who am I? I've got nothing to offer Him anymore than He can offer me and the entire world. But HE wants me. He keeps chasing after me no matter how I try to run away. And, I believe this is the same with all human race. God intends for everyone to belong to Him.

Acknowledging this fact, there is truly a great reason for us to paint the town red. In fact, our merry making isn't enough because what God has done is something exceedingly praiseworthy. Nothing that our festivity can ever measure up to. Be that as may be, if we are to decisively offer thanksgiving, one of the best ways to do so is to FORGIVE. If we are truly thankful that Jesus saved us from our sins and we understand that He died so that we can be forgiven, then, whether we feel like it or not we must choose to forgive from the heart. Not because the person who wronged us deserves it, but because we are thankful that God forgave us even if we don't deserve to be forgiven.

So many people find it hard to forgive not because they can't. It's, actually, because of the what's-in-it for me mentality. Because we experienced betrayal and pain, we started living in fear that it might be done again to us. So now, we're being too careful. Many, often, reason they're just being "wise". Looking at it, it's more of a trust issue. It's looking after self to never be hurt again. If God thought this same way, I wonder if even a single person will deserve anything. I wonder if anyone will receive a second chance. Knowing that God knows what's in our thoughts and minds... He knows what we're gonna do the next second ... we are totally screwed! We can never pass godliness test. But, it's not the act that He is looking at. He offers trust without questions. Without telling us, "well, this is what you're gonna do after three minutes." No. He loves and accepts us wholly. Filthy as we are. He never said, "go and clean yourself up before I can receive you." In stead, He says, "I receive you so come and let's clean you up." How awesome is that?!

The world says, Trust should be EARNED. Not with God. None of us is trustworthy. All fall short, the Scripture says. But, God doesn't look at that. He looks at how HE can fix us. It's not about what we can do for ourselves to become better people. It's about what HE wants to do in order for us to fulfill the purpose He created us for. Taken that none is trustworthy, we are not to expect anyone to be trustworthy before we can trust them. If we choose to forgive, we also hafta choose to trust that any person can and will change. Maybe not immediately. Not after a day...not after a week...not after a month...It could take longer, in fact. But, the thing about trust is, it's same as faith. There's an absence of the thing hoped for. You can't see it right away. It's not yet visible. But, it eventually will be. Trust is believing in something or someone without logical reason. Otherwise, it's not trust. Yeah, it sounds risky. But, that's the essence of it. I don't understand certain things but I don't have to KNOW before I can CHOOSE to trust. It's a decision. It's voluntary.

Thing is, just like love, trust should be GIVEN. And, problem these days is that it's hard for people to give without assurance it'll be reciprocated. However, if we keep doubting...if we keep being suspicious about another person, we'll never be able to really trust. Because we're always thinking about protecting ourselves from pain. It's hard to give when we always come first before others. Fear hinders us from doing what we ought to do. We've been hurt before and we become prisoners of the bad experience so this time around we are guarded. Some are too guarded they can't release love because it translates to susceptibility to emotional suffering. One act from a person in the present that's similar to an act done by the person in the past triggers alarm. Until distrust rules the relationship. Cynicism becomes the main focus. It, then, manifests with the way we respond to people. Relationship suffers.

I am not saying that everyone should be trusted. Like, I can't welcome a criminal inside my house. I can't entrust my niece (I don't have one, though) to an ex-convicted rapist. That's extreme. All that God expects from us is to trust that HE is doing something in the heart of the person(s) we are dealing with on a daily basis. Someone might have wronged us but it doesn't mean they're always gonna do the same. Or, if they keep doing the same thing to us over and over as if they have no intention of changing, God still expects and requires us to trust that one day the person will change. Well, we all have things we want to change in us, don't we? And, most of the time, we keep failing and we find it hard to just change. But, we trust not ourselves to change what we want to change inside of us. We trust God that HE will change us. Similarly, if we are to trust anyone, we should first entrust them to God WHO can change the heart. The One Who can truly create change within. So, in stead of nagging and complaining about how a person never improves, it's much better to say a prayer and let God do the work in their lives.

"Love is patient and kind" means when we love someone, we should be patient in waiting til they become a renewed person; and, we must remain kind even we are hurting. Love always looks at the good of others. If it means enduring pain for now just so the other person is allowed his own pace to progress, so be it. That's love. That's trust. And I found out that the best gift we can offer each other is trust. Especially in love relationship. Well, it applies to friendship, too, because we always injure each other intentionally or unintentionally. But, those who are in a relationship ...those who are married ... trust is absolutely vital. I know of a couple who survived an ugly past only because the wife chose to trust that her husband is not gonna do again what he did in the not-so-distant past which hurt her. There's no guarantee but his word. Nevertheless, she chose to trust. What's more amazing is, she never kept record of the wrong. Never echoed the offense whenever they fought. She never spied on him. Never questioned him. Never doubted him. And that helped the relationship. Her decision made the husband really thankful and because of that he obliged himself not to cause her anymore heartache. How beautiful when we simply allow love to influence our actions. If we just simply stop over-thinking. If we quit fencing our grounds. Then, trust comes next. Trust comes easy.

If someone is really important to us...if a person means something to us... we want to keep the relationship with that person even when it hurts. I guess that's part of loving. Not being martyr. Part of loving is sacrificing a part of ourselves just so we can welcome a person into our lives. Just like what God did. HE sacrificed Jesus because we are important to Him. ...and just like what Jesus did. He denied Himself. Denied His rights...just so our relationship with our Heavenly Father will be restored. And, if we are sincerely thankful for this, we ought to FORGIVE voluntarily over and over...TRUST completely and LOVE graciously.  

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”  ― Jennifer O'Neill

 

Let our scars fall in love.

So, am learning... and I believe every person learns one day at a time with every experience. Been stuck in the topic EXPECTATIONS for quite a while now. Taught me more about human nature and my own as I ponder about it more and more. And, one of the things I learned is that the only thing that really needs to be understood and applied by all is to NEVER EXPECT. It is what causes huge disappointment which later on results to great pain.

I came across this quote...

“It seems love is the root of all pain and most of its fruit only leaves a bitter taste behind.”
― L.F. Falconer

Too many people end up looking for things to point fingers at whenever pain is felt. Most of the time, it is LOVE that is blamed to be the culprit. Well, I do look for why I feel pain. I guess it's all part of it, right? When you feel pain in any part of your body, you try to figure out what's causing it and where it's coming from. I, recently, got a papercut on my index finger. At first, I couldn't understand what's causing my not-so-good-mood. Until, I figured it's coming from that papercut. Yet, knowing that I got a wound didn't help my condition. It only validated my urge to idle around. (Have very low tolerance to pain, FYI. And a small cut would take me to bed the entire day!)

...and I know that people, too, have reasons for doing what they're doing and most of it is related to emotions. When they feel pain, they become defensive...they react...they find reasons to justify whatever that results from pain. Most of the time, because they're hurt, they also get to hurt others. 

They say, love hurts and it's the cause of pain. I dunno what to say about that, actually. What I know is, when you love pain is inevitable. NOT because they're twins. It's because when people love, attached with it is expectation. When they give, it's but automatic they expect they're also gonna get something in return. So, when love isn't returned exactly how they thought they deserve or they thought will be given back, it disappoints them. Eventually, it causes pain. Like we all know what we are capable of giving. A part of us also hopes that that same amount of love will be lavished to us by the very persons we give love to. Not realizing that what we know of love may not be the same as what others know of love. It's been said many times that people come from different backgrounds, culture...what-have-you... and yet, we still don't get that even in the topic of love, people differ. So, we are not supposed to impose the kind of love we have in mind to anyone. 

Thing about love is we should focus giving not receiving. If we receive, just receive without any kind of expectation. We must only receive with a thankful, appreciative heart. Period. Because if we expect it to be more than what is being handed to us, we are more likely to just get disappointed. Worse, we might just complain. We're disappointed and we make the giver disappointed, as well, because we're not happy with what we receive. And, it's frustrating not only for us who aren't content but also to the person who prolly have given their best.

For me, comparing the degree, measure, height, width, depth... whatever you might wanna call it...of love we can offer and, actually, give is but being self-righteous or proud. When we start saying, "I did this for him/her" we practically upbraid another for how lowly, poorly, scantily we think they have given to us. Doesn't show any appreciation at all. And, why should we appreciate, in the first place, when we have given much and this is all we get, right?!!! But, that's exactly why EXPECTATION should never be in the picture. Because every thing that we do is a choice. We choose to give much, and that's our choice NOT theirs. They'll prolly humbly tell us we need not do certain things for them, y'know. But, we make that choice. And if we choose to give more with the expectation that it will be returned to us double or more, then, that ISN'T GIVING. It's INVESTING. You don't invest love. You simply just give it and wait if it flourishes. That's why LOVE IS A VERB not a noun. Now, if it doesn't grow the way it should with the amount of love you've given, then that's where LETTING GO comes in. And, it's NOT letting go of persons. It's letting go of all else that you have already given and not continue clinging to how much was invested or wasted. Problem with people is their "what's in it for me" mindset -- the I-won't-give-unless-am-sure-it's-gonna-be-returned thinking. We're such good business people. No wonder too many marriages fail. Too many relationships end. We are but self-seekers. We can't give and let go. We expect and we take long records of how much we've already invested and how little we've received. Whatta sad reality, don't you think?

I know a lotta people will tell me AGAIN that it's a fact of life. It's reality and over emphasizing it...blogging about it... is just a waste of time. It's useless. Maybe. Because talking about this now isn't going to change me instantly. Knowing all these things that I am saying have not fully made me to become the person God wants me to be. But, it doesn't mean that it can never happen. That's why I am continuing the pursuit to learning how to apply knowledge. Besides, isn't it everyone's habit to just keep pouring out their opinions about just ANYTHING?! I mean, come on now, all over the social network sites people just blurt out trash talks, express their emotions nonchalantly, share their sentiments about their problems within the walls of their homes as if it's for the world to know...talk about their opinion about Manny P's defeat or whoever famous someone out there... I mean, I guess we all gotta start talking about things that truly matter. Things that will eventually improve the world... relationships...for real IF we only start opening our eyes to what really needs to be done.  IF we only start changing the way we understand and view LOVE. 

Love, trust...they're things which when you give away should be let go. Don't attach strings to it that we make people indebted to us. Because relationship isn't lending to people. It's GIVING to people. You hurl a penny to a lil boy in the street and you just forget about it the next second. You don't take a picture of that lil boy, get his name, his home location...so in the future when he becomes big, he can return back to you what you gave him. NO. It doesn't work that way when it comes to love. You can't be sorry you gave love. You SHOULD only be happy and content you did.

It was said, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." Lemme restate that...people can, actually, give everything they have and still have no love. Imagine, we can do things but not necessarily out of love. Whatever other reason there might be for doing so, I guess more of it is for self-interest. To feel good. To look good. To impress people. I dunno. But, it's true. And, am saying this because I used to think that I am such a loving person. I can do and had done many things for people who are important to me. I have a big heart for the poor and I did feeding programs and all. Well, I didn't do those things to impress anyone, that am sure of. It's a heartfelt giving. It's my thanksgiving to the ONE Who showered me with abundance of blessings and graces. But, my heart was proud, I must admit. Why? Because I didn't let go. I recounted almost EVERYTHING I have done for someone...for people. By doing so, I only aggravated the pain that's already torturing me inside. I kept thinking and thinking about how good I have been and yet I was done wrong. The expectation was clearly there. And, obviously, I didn't let go. There were strings attached so I kinda felt those people owe me kindness or whatever I deserve. 

LET GO. Don't attach strings. Love, help, trust, forgive...then let it go. Don't remember. Don't list'em down. Give as in give away. Don't expect anything in return. Then, life is gonna be much easier, happier, freer. 

I so love the concept they introduced and highlighted in the movie, "Pay it Forward" -- returning the favor not to the person who gave you favor but to other people...not necessarily those you know... until you build networks of people extending goodness and multiplying it. The concept is, in fact, Biblical. We are being blessed to become blessings. We do not bless because we wanna be blessed back. The aim is to GIVE and DO until it becomes a cycle. A practice.

Contemplating about these things made me trace what still aches me. Why I haven't completely healed yet. It's because I haven't let go and expectation still remains. 

There's this friend whom I loved dearly. I gave all that I thought would help her, would build her up, would help her spread her wings. I didn't deny anything from her. Supported her in every area of her life. I trusted her. So, I thought she's taking everything to heart as appreciation. Little did I know she's scheming. She's saying nasty things about me to other people. She's even making me look like a monster to them like am doing her wrong. She made them believe that I was treating her badly and who knows what else she said?! Worse, she was telling everyone I was jealous of her. Nasty! Well, she disclosed to me that she learned from someone about something about me which offended her. Ok, whatever! But, thing is, we're almost always together and she never opened up to me about it. She trusted that person more than me. Like why? We could have prolly talked about it like heart-to-heart. Why did she have to turn to other people, say the worst things about me, gossip about me, make people hate me in stead of resolving the problem?  It seriously damaged me. Questions overflowed in my head. I had never been that attached to anyone. I had never made a decision in my life to be as open as that to a girl friend. With her, I became totally transparent, open and attached. So, twas a terrible experience. A horrible one. I dunno if I am still capable of trusting.

But, that's my point. I have to let go. I already have given what I had given and I should just leave them behind now without remembering the glory that is due me and stop asking for credits. I offered friendship and sincere love. It ends there. I need not attach a string to it and cause her to be accountable for all that. It's my decision. She also made a decision to repay kindness with evil. That's her freedom. I can't tie her by the neck only because there's some emotions, finances involved with the help I gave. I need to let go and freed myself from the baggage that weighs me down because unless that pride in her heart melts, she will never acknowledge she was done good. That's her problem not mine. My issue is, I gotta help myself heal. People are free to do what they want or feel like. I gotta respect that even if it's gonna hurt me. I can only pray and hope that one day they'll realize things but to be burdened by the strings will only slow down my recovery. 

Been wondering why I haven't moved on. Have I not yet forgiven? I have. But, I gotta let go of the investments lost and just receive what was returned to me in stead of regretting that I made a bad choice. It's never a bad choice to love. It's the most beautiful thing whether the person deserves it or not. Because it's not about the recipient, nor it's about the giver but the sincerity with the giving. 

To not be hurt...I found out it's more effective to:

Don't expect from people. 

Let go and don't attach strings.         

In stead of, restricting yourself from loving; being too choosy or careful who deserves what; blaming people and things; choosing not to love and trust; avoiding people...better remove the real and damaging weeds: EXPECTATIONS and ATTACHMENTS. 

Another long one...gotta end this for now. And again next time SOON...

  

“Sometimes we fall in love and end up losing ourselves. We allow ourselves to become different people. But we have choices... We can choose to find the person we used to be, the person we really are. Or we can continue on as this new being." ― Amid the Roar 

Live in love, y'all! 

Just scribbling words on scraps of litter...

If every person gets to ask first what will it cost them to give love, would there be a single individual who would voluntarily offer to?

Musing about the word "expectation", I came to ask this question. Now, I can only vividly recall how my train of thoughts about the matter came into being. Oh, because I hear too many people say, "had I known..." ..."I had given my all" ...  And, no, I am not exempt from this. I had prolly uttered the same or could be that  it had conceived in my mind for quite a while and is about to birth anytime soon.

I was hanging my clothes a few hours ago when I suddenly uttered, "I am tired". It's, actually, addressed to God as a prayer. Silly it is. Who am I to complain? Thinking deeper, I thought about what pain could God be feeling, Himself, because of me ...that I can just whine and quit trying to be patient with and kind to others? How can I not be gracious when HE is with and to me?

Lemme talk about the "had I known" and "I had given my all" first.

So, had anyone known that it cost too much to love, would they still do? Why would anyone waste their energy, time, tears and everything for nothing? Made me realize the natural inclination of humans to expect. It's innate. It isn't something one learns over time through painful experiences. It's just a matter of time before it shows up evident. But, it's there within and is usually triggered by emotions.

I used to believe (and was fully convinced) that am one of the few who can give without expectations...without any return of investments... until I started regretting having done so much for certain people who, in the end, only bruised me. At first, I was so convinced that it's a valid gesture/response to recount every good deed I had done for another. My reason (rather excuse/alibi) was I wasn't expecting  they'd return the favor with interest. For me, just don't do me wrong is enough. I strongly held on to the idea that it's easy and normal to pay kindness with kindness. Unfortunately, though, turns out it's more natural to pay evil with evil ...even kindness with evil. That's prolly why someone came up with this line: "don't bite the hand that feeds you" ...I realized. Because one can offer kindness but it is the opposite that is usually returned.

I've always believed that if you sow kindness, it is kindness that you will reap...and even better. I thought if you treat people kindly, they'll follow suit. I was wrong. They will appreciate it but there's not a guarantee they'll treat you the same way. And if you are the kind of person who is gentle and meek, you gotta guard yourself never to lose your gentleness and meekness no matter how people treat you. Imagine, double the work! Yeah, you're kind, yet you gotta exceed that. But, I guess, nature is nature. You don't really have to work hard at it. Like a deer...like a dove...like a sheep... a kind and meek person remains meek regardless of any threat.

Could be another "alibi" I might grab is true again...that it's instinctive to fight for your right... or for your very own safety ...or even for your life... that drives you to war against the object that causes harm. Like being around a flock of ravenous beasts will extract the strength and courage out from inside of you you never thought you have all along. Then, you survive once...twice...thrice...or more until it's turned you into a beast just like the ones you're battling with. Only your reason appears to be more valid and lesser evil. But, truth is, regardless of the motivation, the deed, the action, the reaction...it is just the SAME. It isn't good. No wonder the Bible says, "do not repay evil with evil but repay evil with good." Because you'll only know you're set apart when the rest of the wold's the same and you remain different. What the Word refers to as "in the world but not of the world".

Tough, radical, and IMPOSSIBLE but I guess nature IS nature. You'll simply remain what you truly are. A dog doesn't cease to be a dog when it ceases to bark. It's still a dog and it only takes a situation to make it bark again. Sometimes, people show another side of them when threatened, perhaps.

Well... humans have emotions. They're creatures of emotions. I am human. Am not sure what my real nature is right now but I'd say there are stimuli that makes me react another way and boy I sure don't like the way I am when I am like that! Something inside of me revolts, in fact. Maybe, when you aren't comfortable how you are, it isn't your nature. Something is alerting you that you are already being another person. I never felt satisfied paying back people wrong. Though, yeah, it comes to a point every so often that I regret doing good to bad people. My mind argues that there are people who simply don't deserve good but bad because they are bad. But, another part of my mind refutes and insist that I don't even deserve so many things. I better be conscientious enough to refuse when being given things I know I don't deserve, then, right?

Figured out why there are so may people who don't know how to receive love. It's not that they don't know how. It's, actually, because at the back of their minds operate powerfully the idea of "deserve". You-gotta-earn-it-first-before-you-can-enjoy-it.

"I gave my all"... "I did this and that for you"... says the group from one side and the other group hollers, "nobody told you to!" Twas just a scene from outside of me until I started belonging to the first groupie. A time came when I wasn't anymore a spectator but a participant. And how painful it is to accept a rebut like that -- "I didn't ask for it. Don't blame me. I owe you none!" Seriously.

I thought about it and they've got a point. True. It's a voluntary act. Nobody held a gun to my head for me to do anything for them so, why even use a line like that as if to blackmail? hmmm...  and I tried to draw my motive behind having said or even thought of that. Well, figured, twas out of pain. Nothing more. Like a reaction to an open wound. OUCH! I'd say anything mindlessly as a reaction to what strong emotion/feeling I feel. But, could I have done the same good things to that same persons had I know I'd only be betrayed? Not quite certain with my answer, actually. I don't wanna be self-righteous nor overly critical of myself. Well, there are instances when I act and react like a pundit -- I have learned enough. I know better now -- and there are moments when I find myself being the same old me as if I never learned a lesson and still expose myself to danger. How do you call that? hmmm...

I conclude that being tired is a fact of life. It's part of every person because we all have our own thresholds. And, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong verbalizing it.  (Thank God He looks at the heart and not the actions alone!) What makes a whole lotta difference is how one reacts to being tired. It's like I am tired now. I experience how it's like so I don't  want to have anything to do with things that will cause me more of that. Nuh-ah! Hands off! But, I think that reaction is completely wrong. NEVER allow being tired to get the best of you. That's why God has offered us to "enter His rest". Being tired is just but for a moment, which can be remedied...otherwise, just be dead. That's the only time we have no other option. I'd say, rest in God's peace and be restored. We're not without help and hope.

Typing all these using my very high-end phone along the fire escape stairs is one heck of an experience!

Time check, it's 6:34 am. Going back to my crib now. Zzzzz   

-- A delayed post from 11.29.2012

------------------------

I wonder why when people face pain in relationships the first and automatic response is usually to sever bonds in stead of maintaining commitment... *frowns*

“People are not the Source of Love. They are the object that we give love to.”

“I feel too much. That's what's going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways? My insides don't match up with my outsides. Do anyone's insides and outsides match up? I don't know. I'm only me. Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside. But it's worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” 

―  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I used to think that everything in the world fell into categories: Black or white; right or left; up or down; front or back. Just either of any two. Eventually, as I gained experience in living I came to understand that some things fall into wrong and some things fall into right, yes. Others are placed under black category and some others under white category. YET, so many things in this world aren't really EITHER. Most things aren't black, aren't white, aren't wrong, aren't right...but are simply DIFFERENT. And, there is NOTHING wrong with DIFFERENT. In fact, we just gotta let things be different. We ought to allow people to be different. We need not try or force to make them black or white. We just have to let them be whatever color they really are. And if you truly LOVE someone, you don't try to make them who you wish or want them to be. Defining them is like a whirlpool that sucks them in and drowns them. I realized that we gotta stop telling people who to be and how to live by placing expectations on them and then base our own happiness on whether or not they follow through. And then, feel bad if they don't. We have our own portraits. Each one of us chooses our own canvas. Let's allow each other to choose which canvas we want. RESPECT is the word. Because we, each one of us, are created uniquely for a purpose.

It's funny how people try to convince themselves that they love unconditionally. Yeah, there could be some "unconditional" there but it's really never FREE. They don't really give the ones they love freedom. At the back of their minds, they always want something in return. Or, they always DESERVE something in return because they did this and that. The best example is, they want you to be happy, which makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy if you're not. You're supposed to be who they think you ought to be and feel how you ought to feel ONLY because they LOVE YOU and when you can't give them that, they start feeling bad. So, you also feel bad. That's such an unnecessary responsibility and baggage! If only we can just let people be them, we don't have to live with so much disappointments.

Funnier thing is, often, we get to have ideas in mind about another person (it's always another person NOT US) but never thought the same about ourselves. Like thinking that there are people seeing only either black or white. We tell ourselves that certain people just see things black or white and not realizing that there's also grey. Yet, the way we impose on them what we think IS or IS NOT...isn't that trying to drag them into which color you're in, which is either black or white?! Clinging to a mindset or a belief -- "this is how things should be"--  isn't it either any of the categories I mentioned earlier? I mean, there's like billions of people in the world with different personalities and perspective. We can't be enforcing to them what our perspective is about love, friendship, or whatever only because we want them to see from our viewpoint. We gotta allow them to think for themselves and if one day, they start seeing from our viewpoint, then, much better. If it never happens, then, RESPECT should be given them still. And so, it's just but fair to not make them feel bad about sticking to a point of view they've always had... or a personality which has always been them. As one of my fave authors puts it...

“It is when we think we can act like God, that all respect is lost, and I think this is the downfall of peace. We lie if we say we do not see color and culture and difference. We fool ourselves and cheat ourselves when we say that all of us are the same. We should not want to be the same as others and we should not want others to be the same as us. Rather, we ought to glory and shine in all of our differences, flaunting them fabulously for all to see! It is never a conformity that we need! We need not to conform! What we need is to burst out into all these beautiful colors!”  ― C. JoyBell C

No, we can't and should never insinuate "conformity" by making people feel bad about the kind of person they are or the kind of decision they make by treating them a certain way to make it obvious that we're upset. Maturity is evident when you can just live around all sorts of people without getting too affected by who they are, what they can and can't perform, and how they live their life. It's like walking through an unfamiliar place and as you see things you just say, "oh, that's an Oak tree. It looks sturdier than the rest of the other trees I've seen so far." or..."that's a scorpion. It stings, so I gotta be careful in dealing with it." We can't be hating a scorpion only because its nature is what it is. We can make adjustments and not show any resentment for what it is not. And even if it stings us, it is foolish to get upset or angry because we know that it really does, just given the chance. So, we just let it pass and learn how to deal with it better next time. PERSPECTIVE.  (Indeed, looking at the same rose bush, some people complain that the roses have thorns while others rejoice that some thorns come with roses.) 

Similarly, people have their own nature. That's why there are heartless criminals, there are psychopaths, there are maudlins...and there are enthusiastic ones, faithful, trusting and forgiving... Yet, we can't place them in a box. We can't just define them for there are things inside of them that we do not see. And we'll never be able to see them once we start defining them. 

I think it's the same with friendship and love. So many writers, poets, authors, intelligent people...tried to define what these words mean. And, too many people who haven't really experienced enough in life just grab a definition which fits their belief. But, what really is friendship? What really is love? For all I know, the Bible talks about God is love and love is God. This is the most accurate definition and description I consider. Why? Because in Matthew 26, Jesus calls Judas Iscariot “friend.” Yes, the one who betrayed Him, which led Him to be spitted on, tortured and finally crucified on the cross of Calvary. And this event happened right after the betrayal. He knew he was going to betray Him, but He still considered him FRIEND. While the world defines friendship and love in many ways,  God defined it radically. It's love that makes friendship. And in this picture, Jesus' love for Judas was without expectation nor condition. It's just is. Judas need not prove anything to Jesus. He did not even have to be a friend to Him. 

Must we judge that Judas had not been a friend to Jesus? I'd say NO. We have no right to judge anyone's motives because we simply DON'T KNOW. We can just guess based on the act. But, then, let's not forget that he committed suicide after returning the silver coins. Is't just out of guilt? Even so. Because you wouldn't really feel guilty, anyway, if you don't really care about the person. Why, I know of people who are filled with so much rage that all they think about is to avenge themselves and after doing so, don't feel any guilt! I mean, judging based on action isn't absolutely fair because there's a lot in every person that need to be considered. That's why the Bible tells us, "do not judge." Our judgments may be right based on facts and observations but there are still things left unseen by our naked eyes.

What am practically emphasizing here, I guess, is how radically God defined love and even friendship. And, everyday, He defines love and friendship over and over by the grace He showers all us. By giving us things we don't even deserve at all. He has foreknowledge of what mistakes, sins, disobedience, unfaithfulness, etc., we're gonna do next. Yet, HE calls us friends and HE loves us, anyway. 

By saying this, I am not making a suggestion that we all must love radically. God respects our differences and so I am choosing to respect differences, as well. How I wish I have His strength to forgive anyone who does me wrong even before the act is committed, so I can love and maintain friendship without reservations. I wish! But, true enough, His grace is sufficient. I can't but I am able to because He lavishes me with love (and friendship) that I don't even deserve. Everyday, I fail. I fall short of His glory. But, well, I am still alive and breathing and moving...these things we won't even allow anyone if we were gods because we base things on whether a person deserves things or not. We're into this reward & punishment-system too much that we think anybody who doesn't reach our standard shouldn't belong. The you're-not-a-real-friend-because-you-aren't-this-and-that..." kinda mentality. The world's mentality. More and more I am understanding why the Bible says, "do not anymore conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed inwardly by the renewing of your mind." Because it's nothing but self-seeking. It's after self-interest. If God thought the same way the world thinks, we're NO MORE. 

My thoughts are rather, unconventional, yes...though, I may not love in a radical way, yet. But, I'm a work-in-progress. Guess, I just need to get this off my chest for now because it's causing my heart to burst already!!! Expectations are everywhere and pressure builds up inside. I just wish people will be considerate in thinking that other people are going through tough times, too...just like they are, so at least, they'd stop questioning, "why are they like this and that...?" "Why can't they and I can...?" I was once this kind of person, actually. Always critical of people because I base things on what I can do and what I am doing. I realized, a fact ― we are all different. And our differences are what give color, excitement and beauty to life. How boring would life be if everything is the same. Makes me remember the movie, "Pleasantville".

Toodle-oo for now, peeps! Hopeful that I'd be able to consistently blog again. 

“It is only when you accept how different you all are, that you will be able to see how much the same you all are. Don't expect anybody to be the same as you, then you will see that you are in many ways the same as everybody.”

― C. JoyBell C

 

If being fake & two-faced are in, I'm fine being an outcast.

Strange what just occurred in my head. A question, in fact. What if you find out that the people whom you trusted with all your heart turned out to be two-faced? They make you believe they're on your side and say the worst things you wanna hear about the person(s) you abhor. They tell you things like, "I don't even wanna talk to him/er..." "...I don't even bother bouncing back a word when (s)he sends a message..." "(S)he's this and that..." Would even go further saying nasty truths about the person... Y'know, say things which give you a notion they don't like the person, too. And, when they are with that person (in your absence), they say almost the same things to that person and turn against you. Couldn't be any less than awful! Agree?

What a serious challenge to love the people who you never thought are the real unlovable(s) in the story of your life! We often hear, "love your enemies...do good to those who treat you badly...". Should we not remind ourselves, in stead, to also love our very own blood, our very own "friends" who injure us beyond our knowledge? Because truth is, you get more harmed by them than by your enemies who practically don't know so much about you and whom you never shared even a second's moment with. How can you forgive such a deliberate offense? The more challenging question is, "how do you forgive the doer(s) of such deliberate offense?"

Come back again next time for answers. Coming soon! *wink*

Ta ta for now! ^_^

Please, help me drown these memories.

Am freaked out by hollers heard from another unit (with noises as if hard objects are being thrown around). Twas a male voice yelling madly at whoever. Can't understand what he's saying, though it's loud enough to be understood. Think he's speaking another language. Since the place is infested invaded by Koreans, am assuming he's one. But, boy, am becoming frantic about it. Could be just my wild imagination (or too much violence viewed today?). Anyhow, am seriously affected. If am not just feeling sluggish I could've shut all the windows close. But, I am. heh  ^_^

My mind's actively playing scenes...am imagining that there could be murder going on, which started from a petty(?) quarrel, and the suspect starts looking for an escape (after realizing the wicked thing he has committed) and decides to take the ledge to get to another unit through an open window or something. And that window happens to be ...mine. Gosh! Would I still be too bone lazy if that should be the case?

I wish my body were as active as my wild mental image!

Witnessing one felony done (thanks to FB!) couldn't be too much, or is't? I think certain regulations must already be carried out pertaining to the use of the Internet and shouldn't be left to individual discretion alone. Cause...really...there's a battle going on in my head even-just-right-now. One pull is blaming irresponsibly posted vid and another pull is off base circumspection.  So, it could either be someone else's mistake or mine. And I can't be too pharisaic to choose the pull which gets me off the hook now. I know I have my share of misstep. Am not denying that. THINK before you CLICK. That's loud and clear. But, I can't just tell the unsuspecting me how wrong I was for clicking that view button now that it caused me paranoia.

ME @ me: It's your fault! How can you be so thoughtless like that?! Now blame whoever posted that horrifying video. Blame the entire www for its recklessness!  Then, get over it and throw that video tape inside your head outside the window. Whoever gets hit with it! 

me @ ME: Can't you consider even just a lil that I was only unsuspecting? *sniffs* Whoever would've thought a crime act caught on video could go around freely as if it's NOTHING?!

ME @ me: ...

me @ ME:  *sighs*

I've learned what I needed to. But, I think the price I gotta pay is way too much. It's not really out of total negligence nor utter stupidity, y'know.  It's just like ...you ride a bus, unsuspecting, just wanting to reach your destination in one piece then something happens. Could be what recently happened to a friend (sat beside a presentable looking man, who turned out to be a malefactor!) or could be a freak accident. What am saying is, how can one be too leery at all times not to trip over anything along the road?!  It's not like am just champing at the bit for juicy scoops!    

Guess all am saying is not everything is for everyone. Internet is already made accessible to any human being regardless of age, education...blah blah blah. And how dangerous ANYONE can just cause panic, outrage, intimidation, distress and what-have-you.  Come to think of it, unlike television, radio, and print... Internet has greater number of INTERACTIVE users and it's WITHOUT censorship! Goodness. How many times have someone been killed by someone? Just a few hours ago, a friend from S'pore re-posted a link  to the details of Mariah Carey's tragic death! I googled it believing that I can get a more reliable information from Fox, CNN, BBC, MSN or whichever trusty news services there is. Come on now! Mariah is a big name so there should be something. THERE IS NONE. I didn't have to exhaust effort to try another search. It's NOTHING but HOAX!   

Internet is an eminently powerful tool. Am confident everyone is aware of this. It is being used to destroy any person, nowadays. People driven by strong emotions can just harm another with any object (s)he can reach with his/er hands.  And, through Internet, one doesn't need to be in front of the person they're so angry at to inflict danger.  Havoc is simply employable with but ONE CLICK.  Like what a friend said, "it is not anymore just a privilege but a birthright".  It is made available even to people without PROPER discretion.  Made me think... you won't really hand a knife or any deadly weapon to a murderer, would you? And, I believe this is exactly what I mean when I said "not everything is for everyone". 

This same friend emphasized enough what makes Internet dreadfully powerful. It's because of people like ME. Freedom of expression. Liberty for people to voice out concerns.  Exactly what am doing now.  Therefore, I must not complain?!  No. Power when given to the wrong person is highly perilous. It's not like am inciting sedition now or something.  I believe it is easy to tell "giving public awareness" from plainly  "causing terror".  It's easy to tell "sincere concern" from "selfish motive".  I firmly believe that it's about time to incorporate censorship in the use of the Internet. And, am not alarmed whatsoever should anything be implemented. Only criminals won't approve of laws.  In fact, "people sinned even before the law was given. But it was not counted as sin because there was not yet any law to break." (Romans 5:13, NLT) "...the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers..." (1 Timothy 1:9)

It is next to impossible what am trying to suggest, I know. How can you control something as far-ranging as this? In fact, even there's prison, even when there was execution by electrocution, then later on lethal injection... felons are still everywhere. But, at least, NOT out of hand. At least, if there's law, cyber crime will be under control. If there's a clearly defined rule or standard, people have something to be guarded about. I mean, hello now! It can't be just parental guidance, anymore.  Parents can't be following and watching what their children do with the Net all the time. That's why there's "GOVERNMENT".  And, from Wikipedia, "the word government is derived from the Latin infinitive gubernare, meaning "to govern" or "to manage"." Concerns as wide-ranging as this one needs a bigger body than just parental (nor self) authority.  Nuf said.

Morning is wonderful! Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.

Am just about to retire to bed when everyone is already busy prepping up to start the day. And while the world is sleeping, I am widely awake...

That's, actually, a stretch! I am awake with some people from other parts of the world that's daytime when it's night time where I am. But, you can just excuse some drama sometimes. 

...Am so glad to find my same thoughts from works of talented artists. 

Can you relate or is't just me? It's not that I don't feel happy waking up every morning. Come on! God gave me another life to enjoy. That's already something to look forward to. But, I don't think anyone can just get up with a smile on their face while stretching as if it's not hard to drag oneself out of bed. Hello! I want to get some more sleep. fwahahaha

My heart always timidly hides itself behind my mind.

We feel pain to the nth degree after a breakup (of a love relationship or a friendship) because we lost a part of us. The fact that we have loved much could only mean we have given much, as well. So, when something comes to an end, we feel as if there's nothing left. As though, everything's taken away from us.

Often, understanding why things have to happen is not help. In fact, we prolly understand. It's just it doesn't get rid of the pain. And sometimes, we only need to let the hurt be felt and let the tears wash away the misery.

There's no shortcut to healing. And, sadly, there are times scars remain forever. But scars are just a sign that we have survived agony. There's always beauty in everything. Even in pain.

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.”

 

After all, people are always separable.

Don't hold on to anything for too long. Don't love too much. Don't devote your life revolving around just a few select people. Don't give too much when you're getting too little. There are so many suggestions on how NOT to get hurt (emotionally). Is there any real technique to avoid pain? 

They said pain is part of life. It's inevitable. Babies and little children still get sick no matter how their parents take real good care of them. Even if they stay up all night looking after their sweet ones, protecting them from mosquito bites and all, they still get fever, cold or flu. (Not to mention Dengue, Measles, Chicken Pox...) There's no sure way to keep them quarantined from such discomfort. Adults even make every attempt to keep themselves from the same fate. They take vitamins and other popularly advertised supplements and trusting that their bodies will be immune. Still, things happen. Harm happens. Pain just keeps showing up. In any form.

Must I conclude that nothing can altogether protect us? Therefore, pain will always happen(?).

I do agree that pain exists and everyone will experience it, one way or another...every now and then. I believe, however, that it's all a matter of acceptance that things simply happen that will cut short the misery and suffering from it. And, we don't need any explanation why they have to. Because "the more you know, the more it hurts." It's like letting things flow naturally. People come and people go. If you hold on to anything with all that you are, then the time comes it has to go...regardless if it's voluntarily, unexpectedly, forcefully... you are sure to suffer loss. And loss corresponds pain. It may be too cliche to say, "let someone spread their wings and allow them freedom. If they come back, they're really yours for keeps"... but, I find it to be the only solution. Being in control of what must happen next (so, you do all the work you see needed done just to arrive at the result you want) only helps for a short period of time. Just count seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years... in a flash, the one you hold dear can be gone. And you're left alone devastated with questions that leave you restless, depressed --"what did I do wrong?" "In which part did I fail?" What else I haven't given?  Then, the endless (conscious or subconscious) self-blame begins. And the next thing you know, you're trapped in that moment when you were left behind. You're stuck in the past where it's nothing but sorrowful. Not realizing that "pain only remains as long as you keep allowing it to stay."   You are the one giving anyone or anything the power to hurt you. Only you. It's your choice -- brush it off and go on with the day OR wallow in it longer than you're supposed to and suffer.

Do I sound jaded or something by saying "brush it off and go on with the day"? (Lemme add...treat it as any regular day --with good and bad times...it is the bad time. Sadly.)  But, is there any other way of saying what we all need to hear, realize and accept?

I may never be able to give tips on how to control emotions. Will endorphin triggers help? (Don't think so as I've known so many women who felt rather hopeless and depressed after eating as much chocolate as they can. Because they gained weight and it made them feel bad about themselves more. I answered my own question! Boo!) How about Prozac? Any success?

But, I strongly believe that emotions can be handled carefully and properly. It's a matter of will. Knowledge helps, as well. If you understand and know that you are loving another being who was also given the will to choose, you can easily accept that they made a decision which can never be revoked even by you. (YES, even by you. It's too much to expect that you have the power to change anyone's mind only because you believed with all your heart and soul the love they once professed.) If you don't keep taking matters into your hands and try to insist on what you want or think should happen, it's easier to move forward. But, if you keep turning back, trying to salvage something that already gave up... something broken, something that's beyond repair... you only leave yourself miserable while the other person has already moved to the next chapter of their life.  

It's, actually, like the weather. You are wishing it'll be sunny. It's your wedding day. And, it's a garden wedding. Suddenly, it started raining cats and dogs! You can choose how to respond: Sulk in one corner; whine about it; blame the Weather Bureau for giving the wrong information; request for a tent; move to another venue; wait for the rain to stop and feel more excited about being wed to the person you have been dying to start your life with; keep asking why it rained... just to mention a few. It is a CHOICE.

Evidently, pain will always happen but you should find a way to remedy it. Just like when you feel sick, you don't nurture the disease. You find a cure for it. Similarly, you don't carry hurt with you everywhere you go. Then, try hard to show you're ok. Then, when you're alone in your room at night, you take it out and relive it by viewing the videotape in your head and rewind to the time your loved one said goodbye.

There's a remedy (or remedies) but I don't think "prevention is better than cure" applies. Like the DON'Ts I mentioned earlier.  They're no guarantees. Those are very defensive and selfish. How can you truly love anyone if you are too conscious of shielding yourself from pain? Something gets compromised if we try to be too careful in everything.

If you're gonna look at it, parents have natural tendencies to be protective. Mine were. And it didn't turn out very beneficial for me now. I am very sensitive, easily get sick, squeamish. Only because my loving and protective parents provided us a clean environment that allows almost zero bacteria (don't get me wrong, I appreciate that a lot.). It did protect me from getting sick then, but the disadvantages came out later on.

The DONT's I listed are nothing but vain attempts to prevent pain from invading your comfortable life but definitely, there are disadvantages. And one is the inability to experience the joy of loving and being loved. How? You become both occupied and preoccupied being watchful of any attack. You live in fear. You can't just trust. You're anticipating it can happen anytime.  Then, still get surprised when it does.  You either give too little (thinking you shouldn't invest much so even if it ends, there'd be less damage) or too much (thinking that the more you give the lesser the tendency for your partner to have reasons to leave).  And it's never a joyful ride.

I know of an effective way to remedy or handle pain. Lift it up to God. He is the healer of the brokenhearted. When it's hard to just trust, we only need to trust Him. People will always fail us. Even the ones we love. Because none is flawless. Each one expects something from the other. And all of us fall short of each other's expectations. So, we get hurt. If you come to think of it... wrongs, which cause pain, are subjective. Sometimes, it's just us. Sometimes, it's just them. But, rarely do we see this. It is but wise to surrender everything to the ONE who sees EVERYTHING. Who can truly solve the problem. Who can remove the unwanted feeling. Who gives us power to overcome ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Let's give up on taking all the pain in and the refusal to receive help. Let's open our clasped hands and willingly surrender. We need not fear, even PAIN. The Word says, "There is no fear in love. Perfect love (God) drives out fear." Drives out pain. Try it. *wink*

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