Just scribbling words on scraps of litter...

If every person gets to ask first what will it cost them to give love, would there be a single individual who would voluntarily offer to?

Musing about the word "expectation", I came to ask this question. Now, I can only vividly recall how my train of thoughts about the matter came into being. Oh, because I hear too many people say, "had I known..." ..."I had given my all" ...  And, no, I am not exempt from this. I had prolly uttered the same or could be that  it had conceived in my mind for quite a while and is about to birth anytime soon.

I was hanging my clothes a few hours ago when I suddenly uttered, "I am tired". It's, actually, addressed to God as a prayer. Silly it is. Who am I to complain? Thinking deeper, I thought about what pain could God be feeling, Himself, because of me ...that I can just whine and quit trying to be patient with and kind to others? How can I not be gracious when HE is with and to me?

Lemme talk about the "had I known" and "I had given my all" first.

So, had anyone known that it cost too much to love, would they still do? Why would anyone waste their energy, time, tears and everything for nothing? Made me realize the natural inclination of humans to expect. It's innate. It isn't something one learns over time through painful experiences. It's just a matter of time before it shows up evident. But, it's there within and is usually triggered by emotions.

I used to believe (and was fully convinced) that am one of the few who can give without expectations...without any return of investments... until I started regretting having done so much for certain people who, in the end, only bruised me. At first, I was so convinced that it's a valid gesture/response to recount every good deed I had done for another. My reason (rather excuse/alibi) was I wasn't expecting  they'd return the favor with interest. For me, just don't do me wrong is enough. I strongly held on to the idea that it's easy and normal to pay kindness with kindness. Unfortunately, though, turns out it's more natural to pay evil with evil ...even kindness with evil. That's prolly why someone came up with this line: "don't bite the hand that feeds you" ...I realized. Because one can offer kindness but it is the opposite that is usually returned.

I've always believed that if you sow kindness, it is kindness that you will reap...and even better. I thought if you treat people kindly, they'll follow suit. I was wrong. They will appreciate it but there's not a guarantee they'll treat you the same way. And if you are the kind of person who is gentle and meek, you gotta guard yourself never to lose your gentleness and meekness no matter how people treat you. Imagine, double the work! Yeah, you're kind, yet you gotta exceed that. But, I guess, nature is nature. You don't really have to work hard at it. Like a deer...like a dove...like a sheep... a kind and meek person remains meek regardless of any threat.

Could be another "alibi" I might grab is true again...that it's instinctive to fight for your right... or for your very own safety ...or even for your life... that drives you to war against the object that causes harm. Like being around a flock of ravenous beasts will extract the strength and courage out from inside of you you never thought you have all along. Then, you survive once...twice...thrice...or more until it's turned you into a beast just like the ones you're battling with. Only your reason appears to be more valid and lesser evil. But, truth is, regardless of the motivation, the deed, the action, the reaction...it is just the SAME. It isn't good. No wonder the Bible says, "do not repay evil with evil but repay evil with good." Because you'll only know you're set apart when the rest of the wold's the same and you remain different. What the Word refers to as "in the world but not of the world".

Tough, radical, and IMPOSSIBLE but I guess nature IS nature. You'll simply remain what you truly are. A dog doesn't cease to be a dog when it ceases to bark. It's still a dog and it only takes a situation to make it bark again. Sometimes, people show another side of them when threatened, perhaps.

Well... humans have emotions. They're creatures of emotions. I am human. Am not sure what my real nature is right now but I'd say there are stimuli that makes me react another way and boy I sure don't like the way I am when I am like that! Something inside of me revolts, in fact. Maybe, when you aren't comfortable how you are, it isn't your nature. Something is alerting you that you are already being another person. I never felt satisfied paying back people wrong. Though, yeah, it comes to a point every so often that I regret doing good to bad people. My mind argues that there are people who simply don't deserve good but bad because they are bad. But, another part of my mind refutes and insist that I don't even deserve so many things. I better be conscientious enough to refuse when being given things I know I don't deserve, then, right?

Figured out why there are so may people who don't know how to receive love. It's not that they don't know how. It's, actually, because at the back of their minds operate powerfully the idea of "deserve". You-gotta-earn-it-first-before-you-can-enjoy-it.

"I gave my all"... "I did this and that for you"... says the group from one side and the other group hollers, "nobody told you to!" Twas just a scene from outside of me until I started belonging to the first groupie. A time came when I wasn't anymore a spectator but a participant. And how painful it is to accept a rebut like that -- "I didn't ask for it. Don't blame me. I owe you none!" Seriously.

I thought about it and they've got a point. True. It's a voluntary act. Nobody held a gun to my head for me to do anything for them so, why even use a line like that as if to blackmail? hmmm...  and I tried to draw my motive behind having said or even thought of that. Well, figured, twas out of pain. Nothing more. Like a reaction to an open wound. OUCH! I'd say anything mindlessly as a reaction to what strong emotion/feeling I feel. But, could I have done the same good things to that same persons had I know I'd only be betrayed? Not quite certain with my answer, actually. I don't wanna be self-righteous nor overly critical of myself. Well, there are instances when I act and react like a pundit -- I have learned enough. I know better now -- and there are moments when I find myself being the same old me as if I never learned a lesson and still expose myself to danger. How do you call that? hmmm...

I conclude that being tired is a fact of life. It's part of every person because we all have our own thresholds. And, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong verbalizing it.  (Thank God He looks at the heart and not the actions alone!) What makes a whole lotta difference is how one reacts to being tired. It's like I am tired now. I experience how it's like so I don't  want to have anything to do with things that will cause me more of that. Nuh-ah! Hands off! But, I think that reaction is completely wrong. NEVER allow being tired to get the best of you. That's why God has offered us to "enter His rest". Being tired is just but for a moment, which can be remedied...otherwise, just be dead. That's the only time we have no other option. I'd say, rest in God's peace and be restored. We're not without help and hope.

Typing all these using my very high-end phone along the fire escape stairs is one heck of an experience!

Time check, it's 6:34 am. Going back to my crib now. Zzzzz   

-- A delayed post from 11.29.2012

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I wonder why when people face pain in relationships the first and automatic response is usually to sever bonds in stead of maintaining commitment... *frowns*