Refinement Creates Beauty

Three days from now, it's already another year. Imagine that. Time passes by so fast. Twas like only yesterday when 2012 came. Now it's 2013 soon. Actually, I didn't really feel the festivities and all even though I had attended a few celebrations... I wasn't really able to feel the spirit. But, I know it's also a decision to choose to be thankful and, in my heart, I really am. Just, I can't deny how things are really shaking me right now. Sometimes, I just wanna wake up in a different world. I wanna wake up a different person.

Well, it's been a roller coaster ride this year, I must say. There had been answered prayers and still more unanswered. But, hey! Isn't it what gives excitement to life? Yeah, I can't deny I have many regrets, which I hope will be replaced by thanksgiving, in stead. I want my attitude to be right. God is building me up and I must not anymore resist. Seriously, it's tough, but nothing isn't. I talk about perspective and I simply wanna have a better one. God help me.

After nagging to God, He finally gave me what I was asking for early this year. He gave it just when things aren't really going so well anymore, ironically. Something that doesn't make sense to me. Or, could be I still am doing something not right. But, am really sure, it's really His answer to my years of nagging. Why in the most inconvenient time, I dunno. Still am thankful. And, He's really been generously gracious to me. So gracious I can't thank Him enough. But, more than anything, I am thankful for the wisdom that He's imparting to me with every situation that comes my way. That, in everything, He works for my good. Nothing but my good.

There's really not a lot that I can list down He granted me this year but I guess it's because I am focusing on what I was expecting to receive. So, I acknowledge even those that came unexpectedly ― small and big things alike. Just, I find it really tough to be pruned and molded at the same time. He's teaching me so much. Or, maybe, He's got no choice but to keep shooting lessons at me because I was too insistent to make things happen as I wish.  And, I know that He's been talking to me and He's really given me wisdom, knowledge and everything to equip me. Maybe, most of the time, I stay deaf or I act deaf. Am not sure. Or, could be, I am often shrugging off His instructions and reminders because I want to please myself. I can so relate to the Israelites! LOL

One of the things I have been taught was to trust Him not men. I guess for quite some time I simply relied on people. I am praying and praying and yet the voices of the people around me echo more to my ears and they're who I follow. Am in this tug-o-war of trusting either God or man. One of my biggest challenges, I must say. Not that I consider people better than God. Of course, I am not that nuts to think so. Maybe it's also pride that I am sure my judgment is good because God gave me a gift of sound judgment so I am confident that who I choose to trust is truly reliable. Still, it isn't right.  Through the years, God has been jealous because I seem to give more weight to what others feel and think more than what He feels and thinks. And, I know how I am hurting Him. At least now it's very clear to me. Thanks to His wisdom. And thanks that He opened my eyes to this fact about me which is something I wasn't really taking with a straight face. And, yeah, although I already know doesn't mean it's gonna be plain sailing to change. Still His grace is what I need.

Another thing is to be ALWAYS thankful. Whatever circumstance. That I shouldn't allow my situation control and influence my joy. This is something really tough. At times, I'd even end up wishing I was still the old me when I was just taking everything as they come. Growing up in a family where dad's strict, I learned obedience without complain. Twas natural for me to just follow and accept whatever comes. I wasn't always happy, of course. But, at least, I wasn't grumbling. There was the childlike faith that they only wanted the best for me. That's when I was still dependent on everything they have to say. I wish I never learned independence. However, staying the same won't allow me any progress. This was the answer I got from God when I asked Him, why He even had to allow me independence. Twas way better when I was not self-governing. Often, I'd wish I were still a child ― no need to make decisions, no responsibilities, no worries. I find it more convenient. Then, it dawned on me, I was looking at my Egypt. God is leading me to my Promised Land and I am staring back at my Egypt where I feel my comfort is in. God is equipping me more and more that's why I gotta embrace change. And it includes me having to make my own decisions, face the consequences of what decisions I make ― right or wrong ― without pointing fingers at and owning up all the bad ones. I can't emphasize enough, though, how terrible these are all happening at the same time in this season of my life. All I can help myself with is to consistently remind myself that a puzzle won't be complete without the smaller pieces. Each piece don't make sense...don't look pretty...on their own but creates a wonderful portrait with the rest of the other pieces. Like an ingredient, such as cumin, paprika, turmeric... don't taste nice unless mixed with the rest of the other ingredients to make a recipe. So is everything that happens to me may not make sense at the moment especially when heartache is involved, but I am sure they're all adornments to beautify my character in God's time. God's wisdom is truly awesome and I am so thankful He is lavishing me with much of it although I, most of the time, end up misusing or ignoring it. How wonderful is that?!

When I was a child, I wasn't complaining a lot. In fact, I can't remember myself whining about anything. I didn't like summer heat (even til now) but I never said a word about how I don't like it. I wasn't expressive with words. I think I didn't have a mind of my own, in fact. I was just going with the flow. Thinking about it, I also wish I were still like that child now. It's a happy life to just take things as they come. No questioning why, what, how, when, where...I don't know if it's just me but I miss that point of my life when I wasn't grumbling about anything no matter how difficult things went. If I had to walk long, I'd walk long without getting irritated. I never criticized anyone. And whenever I heard others giving their thoughts about another, I was surprised how their thoughts were that advanced when it never crossed my mind what they observed or judged. I was naive. I didn't totally like it at that time, of course. I felt so dumb. Somehow, I taught myself to be more observant and vocal only because I didn't wanna be thought of as slow-witted. Couldn't be so wrong but the motive was wrong. I mean, it helped me become better. It helped me to strive to always give excellence in almost everything. Just I did it for the wrong reason. Lately, I've been thinking and wishing I still have even a little of that child in me, at least. A lotta things happened in my life and they made me who I am now. As I go through life there are more roads to trek and situations to pull of, so, naturally, God equips me with more tools. Only I need to learn how to operate them properly. Guess, God had to really expose what's in my heart to teach me better lessons that I would never learn any other way. I don't need to miss being that child and resent who I am now. I only need to make use of God's tools like self control. I may have learned the habit of complaining but He has given me the tool to fight it. In fact, He has given me the best tool of all ― LOVE. If I live and walk in love every second of my life, I am already fine. ^_^

Two last things I wanna share I learned the hardest this year are: to not be critical; and, to let go of control. If as a child I was just receiving everything as they're given to me, as an adult I became self-seeking. I am almost always after my self-interest. When things don't go my way, I become cranky. My words become blade that pierce people to the core. Should've been like this, should've been like that are just some of the famous lines that usually come out of my mouth. I became the person like those people I heard criticizing others during my childhood. I was reminded that I promised myself I will never be like them. But, I guess, I allowed myself to be corrupted by the world. 

Maybe I don't need to keep wishing to be that child again. I can't go back to being a child again. I can't keep looking at the rear view mirror and regret, resent and have all the negative feelings about how I turned out to be. In fact, I should be thankful because God saved me from being the monster I could've been had He not led me through the Holy Spirit. There's so much to thank God for than focusing on the downsides. Change is necessary and inevitable. All the things I had to go through, all that I have become through the years are part of everything. Part of my metamorphosis. And as I stumble, as I break, as I fall...I learn. I am humbled. And I acknowledge more that I am NOTHING apart from God. But, I am SOMEONE under His grace. To Him be the glory! Hopeful that the coming year will make me all peaches! ^_^

Just reflecting...