My life is real.

Life's lessons are what's more important than any other material longings we have. They strengthen us...they make us smarter. The next thing we know, we're already a changed person. A much better one.

Not one single thing can equal the benefits of what we learn in life. They stay alive forever. Lil somethings we can draw from our pockets when we encounter similar yet tougher situations in the future. We are more equipped.

It's true what they say, just change the way you see things. We keep asking for this and that. We're given something else. We complain because we think we know better without understanding that every lil thing that comes our way is a blessing. We're determined this is what we want or need yet we are given something we deem trifle. But, if we just open our eyes and closely look at what we consider petty, we learn something called "contentment". Something that can truly lead us to real joy.

Happiness is, indeed, a choice. It's not just an emotion or feeling caused by another being or wonderful things or events. It is a state of mind. What are we focusing on? Where's the direction of our sight? What emotions do we keep in our hearts? Are we nurturing our pains and anger? Or are we letting them heal?

You're one of my favorite people.

Each one of us has a "Morrie Schwartz" in our lives. I do. What's wonderful about it is I don't only get to have "Tuesdays" with my "Morrie". Whenever I need a "Tuesday with Morrie", I have the privilege to have it. No buts and no waiting. Anytime in a day. And I hope to be someone's Morrie.

No applause.

Soulmate (or soul mate): it's like a best friend, but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person. Actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soul mate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you'll always love them. Nothing can ever change that.

I'm a mess. I apologize.

I used to be afraid of sooo many things. That I would never grow up. That I would be trapped in the same place for all eternity. That my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It's true what they say. Time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality. And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do.

I miss her because there are things I wanna tell her -- to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be ok. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence. The people who contributed to who I am, they are with me wherever I go, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now.

How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt.

Ah, you know me... am too lazy to hold a grudge.

I've decided to let go of my anger and all the pain. I've unknowingly hurt others by just holding on to it. Though I know in my heart that I am not yet healed, by choosing to be free, somehow, someway, I am moving on. I can't weep for the rest of my life. Because I wasn't born to feel pain all the time. Someday, I'll find courage to let everybody know that my real purpose is to love and not cry.

"Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

~ Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

Without YOU ...am as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway.

It's a lazy Sunday morning. Not so warm. In fact, windy. But, am still feeling lazy. Isn't it a habit, on the second thought?

I turned to my desktop computer and saw my abandoned blog and thought of writing something meaningful. There's really nothing so interesting to share but I thought of something that might inspire. Here goes...

There has been so many changes in me, I noticed. Depression is not as active in my lifestyle as how it used to be, for one. Inch by inch, am learning the art of letting go of things I can't do anything about and surrender them to GOD. Not that I wasn't trusting HIM before. Just, I used to act as if I always have to do something or act on a situation right away. This has been my mindset. Just like what the local saying implies ..."Mercy resides in God; deeds are in men".

Some petty things I thought need not be consulted to GOD. Then, I realized, petty things can soon become big struggles when I try to fix them myself. Why? Because no matter how I think I am good at resolving things, my wisdom is still not enough to understand some reasons behind things that happen. My decision making is not as brilliant as I think it is. I had to learn this by going through some struggles. Those struggles consumed my strength until I had to look up and ask GOD to carry me. Something I had never really done in the past.

Oftentimes, we are too engrossed trying to deal with things on our own believing that we are tough enough to handle situations. It is not enough that we consult GOD our plans or decisions. We hafta admit that we are incapable without HIS grace. Admit that there are areas in our lives where we're having difficulty handling and we need HIM to start carrying us. This time around, I am able to tell HIM that there are areas in my life I cannot change with my own effort because I am too weak. That my heart desires to obey HIM but my nature is not strong to follow, so, I need HIM to work in that area for me as I surrender it to HIM. I have never felt so loved in my life until I opened up to my FATHER. Tis an amazing experience. HE made me feel accepted and loved for who I am... including my weaknesses.

...and each time I am reminded of HIS great love for me, this line in a song would start playing in my head... "YOU see the depths of my heart and YOU love me the same..." Who can love us the same way? Knowing and seeing the filth in our hearts and minds but still loves us just the same without condemnation or blame; but, stares back at us with so much mercy and love. GOD is truly amazing.

Have gone real tired of depending on my own efforts. Struggling to always be righteous. Do things in my power knowing what's right and what's wrong. Avoid this because it's wrong and struggle to do another because it's right. Well, I am blessed because GOD has really equipped me with values and attitudes to be a good Christian since I was young. But, guess, I had been too confident about this fact that I failed to recognize my great need for HIS grace. Until, some goodness within me started hitting the skids. Guess, that's what happens when we rely on our own strength.

Now, I can humbly tell GOD that I can't or I won't lift a finger on this or that concern because I am too weak. That I won't make a decision without HIS blessings. It's harder to correct a mistake than avoid making one. Come on, GOD is just a prayer away. We can confidently come directly to HIM and HE will surely listen. Not because we are good or obedient or righteous. But, because HIS love for us is great and immeasurable. No amount of good deeds can make us worthy of HIS love, but HIS love for us alone gives us authority to come to HIM for help. Knowing this, I feel the privilege of being under HIS grace. And I just want to be under it forever. *smiles*

On a different note, I cannot stop myself from mentioning... the San Beda Red Lions were dethroned by the San Sebastian Stags after losing 2 finals games Thursday and Saturday. *sobs* They were doing real good in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd quarter during the 2nd finals game at the Cuneta Astrodome, which could've given them a chance for a 3rd game. But, in the last quarter, they lost their baskets and made too many errors giving the Stags great advantage. Just sad but, well, twas undeniably a good game.


Toodle-oo.

Why is't so hard to be happy? It's because we refuse to let go of the things that make us sad.

When we try to be in control, there's always a sure chance of disappointment. Most of the time, we try hard to believe in something. Something that is wonderful to embrace. When it doesn't happen as we believed it would, our expectations fail us and pain comes after.

It's never easy to entrust all to GOD. This is one thing I am struggling with. Mainly because I have trusted too much not in HIM but in people. Well, people... they say sooo many things. Either half-meant or they don't really mean at all. One of the things people do is hide behind lies. Some say, they do this to avoid hurting someone. What they don't know is they hurt others more by denying them the truth.

Sad truth is, people keep changing their minds almost instantly. They say things but they can't be true to their words. They won't even CHOOSE to be true to their words. They say something but do another. Many say something they strongly feel for the moment. They are driven by their emotions. But, emotions are fleeting. It's frustrating. But, just like me, I know there are many others who still rather believe these lies. Convinced that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt. So, we risk our hearts. We place our faith in the wrong persons...in the wrong things. Believing that this can lead to happiness. But, in truth, it hurts.

Yet, another painful truth is the person we placed our faith in to just doesn't care how we would feel when they can't keep up with their words. Go on with their lives as if our feelings don't matter. Conveniently, they can just escape with "sorry", but, are ready to do it again only because they know we'll just be there. Such a bitter reality.

Am sure, this is not only my own experience. Many out there suffer the same sitch for the reason that they "believe" someone. They trust. No matter how the other person screws up, they are ready to give another chance.

Sometimes, I get to think whether this is wrong or right. Because it's damaging. It messes our thoughts and feelings. It creates fear. Fear that if we believe again, we might get hurt again. Fear that if we don't, we give an impression that we can't trust and this simply doesn't sound right. The dilemma that if we trust, we're sure to hurt ourselves. If we don't, we're sure to hurt the person we love. It's crazy.

And I know of people who choose to trust lies and deny themselves the truth. They choose to believe what they want to believe, though, they know it's a lie. They'd even avoid knowing or hearing the truth in order to keep the lies. Trying to revel in something that will only cause them pain. What joy is there in living in lies? Being lied to is the worst way one can ever disrespect you. It's like they're telling you you deserve no truth. Maybe... but who deserves a lie?

I wish that saving our hearts from pain can be taught in school. That common sense can influence us stronger than our emotions can. Because our emotions steal from us our happiness. We want to be happy with someone we truly deserve but we're stuck with our feelings for someone who don't even sincerely care about us. All they're concerned about is the convenience and benefits they're receiving. Such a dangerous condition to be in.

'Do not expect anything', that's what they say. Am trying to believe that it is expecting that's causing all the pain. Maybe. On the second thought, is expecting that someone just do his part to not tell a lie and spare you of pain too much to give? Fine, we have to do our part to simply give love. But, are they not expected to do their part to be kind, too?

I'd like to just be numb about things and pretend none of what I observed is true. I'd like to convince myself that not asking too much question and not asking for what one deserves could make everything fine. I'd like to just believe in only ONE. To place my trust on only HIM and be oblivious to all others because it's damn too painful. It's hard to breathe. It's exhausting. Am stripped off strength.

If I'd try seeing things like characters in stories, maybe, it's easier to explain why things happen the way they do. There has to be good characters and there has to be bad characters. Otherwise, life will simply just be boring. No thrill. No issues. No arguments. There are no more stories to tell. There are no blogs like this to share.

Sullen and Austere

Heartbroken is how I define my current state. Saturday morning, I thought, could've been the start of my sunny days until I stepped out of the bathroom after a couple of hours' early bath and found out that the flood waters already managed to get inside the house. Worries began to consume me again as 3 of my housemates were, at that time, trying to reach home but were stuck somewhere due to the rising floods in almost all routes leading home. My heart was throbbing real hard as I prayed. It's a frustrating feeling, actually. The fact that I know I should just trust GOD's heart and the desire to do something to help my friends placed my sanity on the line. Not to mention, I was freaking out seeing the fridge, my Omnitrack, the furnitures, the washer already submerged in flood waters. Terrible...terrible feeling.

Believe me, I tried to calm myself down. But, I heard more, which caused me to worry more. If I can only do something was what's playing in my head. I know and I admit I can't do anything else in my power. Prayer was the best help I could've really given but was not able to give much only because I was too engrossed with my emotions. Silly...silly.

There was already no electric supply that afternoon. Our transistor radio only had one battery when it requires 3. Flood water outside the townhomes was ceaselessly rising. At that time, twas already waist high, so, we can't risk our house helper to buy 2 more. Not knowing what was happening to my friends and knowing what was happening around resulted into paranoia. I felt so helpless.

It's not helpful, I know. And it's like insinuating "I am better than GOD because I would do something if I could." And questioning, "How can HE remain silent while HIS people are troubled and needing help?" Totally wrong. But, it took me a while to realize it. I was simply overwhelmed by my emotions.

Everyone was able to reach home safely early evening. I wanted to break down, but, I felt I should better tame myself and just be thankful nothing bad happened to them. Somehow, my heart became still. Even had ice cream before going to bed.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we were able to purchase 2 batteries with the ice cream, so, the rest of the night, we were all keeping ourselves updated with what's happening outside. We heard so many SOS calls over the portable radio. Again, my heart started to melt. I simply can't just be thankful I was not in the same situation. I felt for those people.

That day was supposed to be the day my grannies were to move to a smaller room just beside the place they stayed in for years. That was also the same day I planned to treat them out for their double birthday celebration (25th & 27th). The night before I was even insisting to cancel their moving out on the next day. Then, Ketsana (PAGASA name: Ondoy) came.

Both had to be cancelled.

Early Sunday morning, I received text messages that Church services are cancelled due to heavy rains and flooding. So, I thought, we can push with the celebration. Electric supply was restored around 3am and the first thing we did was to try if we can turn to local news. Cable was down. Still, we're half unaware of the damage Ondoy caused. We even managed to watch a flick. (Not a nice one. Boo.) We turned to Internet and that's when we learned how Ondoy caused so much destruction & even claimed lives. Depression set in again. I was crippled for 2 more days.

What can this gift of compassion help me with if am too weak to handle such happenings? *sighs*

Today, I took action. I dragged myself out of the house and bought goods to donate. I collected some clothes to give to a Church chum who lost most of their stuffs.

Nine in the morning, I took a shower and then had breakfast. Checked each closet after for spare clothes. At past 10, we were already in the grocery to buy packs of crackers, a box of noodles, boxes of bottled water, boxes of Big 250 and some cans of sardines. Dropped the goods and then headed to Cubao to deliver the clothes to the Church chum I mentioned earlier.

Made me feel a lil better but because of my nature, I simply can't feel I have done enough. Am such a morose person. I so detest it.

...Sometimes, I need things to happen for real.

Sometimes, I don't know how to ask for help. I can get trapped inside my pain. Some nameless thing seems to tear at my insides. I freeze, thinking that if I don't move, it will go away. So, I don't ask, I don't talk, and the pain grows.

Does my face look calm? Don't be fooled. I'm just afraid to let you see the truth. But, I listen. And through other people, GOD does for me what I can't do for myself. One of the miracles I have found is that help often comes when I most need it. When I can't bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me. When I don't know what to say, I am given the words I require. And when I share what's in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own. Today, I have GOD who knows my needs. As I walk, GOD is walking with me.

"I'm not stubborn. I'm simply RIGHT!"

I realized that sometimes, it's not that two people can't really meet. It's just one of them refuse to accept that he's not right all the time no matter how reasonable his reasons may be. It takes a humble heart to know the importance of taking time to LISTEN and look deeper into what another has to say. Takes an unselfish heart to accept another's reasons and forget about his own just so he can penetrate the depths of the other person's feelings. Takes so much humility to stop believing one is always right and quit convicting the other just to prove himself right.

It's just so funny how I finally am able to understand that I gotta stop condemning myself even that's what people around me want to happen. How arrogance in each person's heart torture another by forcing their righteousness as the ONLY truth. There's a very big difference between talking with the intention of "wanting to be heard" and talking just "to defend an act". Mine has always been only to be heard as I have mostly been mute in my earlier life.

Sadly, though, not too many people are willing to LISTEN intently without being defensive. Their defenses are always up as they fear being told they've mistaken. Arrogance wrecks relationships with no possibility of restoration. This is one trait no relationship can ever tolerate. Cause no matter how the other struggles to keep the relationship going, if the other just keeps putting himself on a pedestal and believes he must be treated a certain special way... that relationship can never work. It's a kind of high-maintenance relationship which is beneficial to one but unhealthy to another.

If there is anything I should absorb from the insights shared with me by my dear friend, Binkie, it is this... "you can't be adjusting for people all the time. It is not your sole duty to do this just so to keep a friendship. If it's a real friendship, it can preserve its own without you having to toil for it. Without you being too overly cautious not to hurt a friend. Because if this is a real friend, he/she will know that whether you laugh or cry, hurt or heal... you do or say things out of being REAL -- not only to yourself, but also to your friend. And friendship stands in HONESTY ...more than anything."

And yeah...I will never forget what Binkie always tries to instill in my rock-hard head... "not everyone who says they're my friends are my real friends. Well, just like it's become too common to say 'I love you'... saying 'Am your friend' even it's half-meant or not-meant at all doesn't make anyone a criminal."


This is inspired by my post on Zhǐ Lǎohǔ Shoots the Breezebull.


Mood: Reveling in the beauty of a stormy day.

The Undefeated SSC-R Stags (7-0)

Today, one team remained the undefeated; and, it's no other than the San Sebastian College - Recoletos. The Bombers, who lost by 15 points, were not able to recover after the first half. Wilson wasn't able to make any basket in the 3rd quarter and 2 players were fouled out just at the crucial time of the heated game. The Stags truly showed grace and confidence in the court and exhibited authority to win over the Heavy Bombers.

Current team standing:

Team	W-L
SSC-R	7-0
JRU	6-1
SBC	6-1
CSJL	4-3
CSB	4-4
AU	2-4
EAC	2-5
UPHSD	2-5
AUF	1-6
MIT	1-6

*c/o www.ncaa.org.ph*

July 31st: SBC Red Lions vs. EAC Generals

NCAA games today were both exhilarating. First game between CSB and Arellano was truly exciting as both teams truly fought for the win. None seemed to want to take defeat taking the game to its 1st, 2nd and 3rd overtime. In the end, the Blazers successfully snatched the victory. (Wasn't able to take note of the scores. Sorry.)

Second game was between SBC and EAC.

1st quarter: The Lions started out slow with their highest point advantage only at 8. First quarter ended with 23-16 in favor of SBC.

2nd quarter: At over 4 minutes, the Lions' lead was down to 1 from their quarter's highest 9. JSantos' 3 pointer snatched the lead from SBC. "Baby Shaq" Taganas' inside shot tied the scores 33-33 at over 2 minutes on the clock. Taganas made 2 more consecutive inside shots (and nothing from the Generals) stealing the lead back for SBC. Marcelo made another inside shot for the failed 3 point attempt by Gamalinda making it 9 to nothing at over 1 minute. At the last second of the quarter, "Bambam" Gamalinda threw the ball 2 steps away from the 3 point line and was counted as basket after the halftime break deliberation. Qtr score: 49-38.

3rd quarter: The Red Lions were secured of a 10- pt advantage but their turnovers allowed the Generals to catch up a bit. Yet, the Lions were evidently still in control up to the last second of the quarter ending with 19-pt. advantage, 71-52.

4th quarter: SBC brought the lead as high as 24points during the first couple of minutes of the quarter until the Generals started cutting the lead with the help of the Lions' erratic ball handling and passing. Yaya made a 3-pointer answering Hermida's earlier 3-pt. attempt. Followed up by Jabaybay's 2-pointer & 1-pointer at 5:47 on the clock. Score was 78-63, in favor of SBC. More turnovers by SBC this quarter, but as expected of the mighty Lions, they were able to bounce back winning with a 24 point excess, 95-71.

Marcelo was the game's best player.

For me, everyone did their part. Taganas, Hermida, Lanete, Daniel, Gamalinda, Tecson... they all showed an exemplary performance for the team's triumph. Indeed, a game to watch. EAC gave a truly good fight.

Wasn't able to post last July 24th's (fri) game between SBC and CSJL. Twas also a very good game. Tight game, in fact. You can get the complete story here. Final scores were: SBC 79- CSJL 74.

SBC will be facing AUF on August 5 (game 36 of NCAA elimination) at 2PM. And on August 10, they will be facing the Heavy Bombers at 4PM. All games will be held at the FilOil Flying V Arena, San Juan.

Monday's game (Aug 3) is the much-awaited game as, finally, JRU and SSC-R will be facing each other, which will decide who stays on the top of the rank. Both teams are undefeated and game 35 is the deciding game for either of the teams to keep their ranking or to lose their 1st place position.

Til next game...

July 13: San Beda Red Lions vs. College of Saint Benilde Blazers

So sad I had to miss yesterday's bout between SBC and CSB. *sigh* But, still good since the former won the game taking the Blazers to its 2ndth loss in their 4 games. Am wondering if I'd ever find time to watch any of their games live. Goodness, the venue is just very near my place and still I can't find myself anywhere in there during the Lions' games. This is so frustrating.

Anyway, the Red Lions won by 20 pts, 86-66. From one of my sources, Garvo Lanete showed a thrilling performance and finished with 16 points, 4 assists, 3 rebounds and a steal.

Here are the quarter scores: 17-15, 35-28, 58-49, 86-66.

To find out more about yesterday's game, you can go and read >>> Red Lions gobble up erratic St. Benilde.

Til next time...

July 6: San Beda Red Lions vs. Arellano University Chiefs

After shocking the Letran Knights during their July 3 game, the Chiefs were themselves shaken by the Lions in today's game ending with a 28 point lead in favor of the Red Lions, 102-74.

I was, actually, worried that the shooting power of the Chiefs could help them win their game against the Lions but turned out, the latter were prepared enough to congest the Chiefs' shots. Indeed, the San Beda Red Lions are the kings of the court exhibiting their athletic skills and authority.

First quarter ended with only 6-point lead, 20-14. With Borgie Hermida regaining his basketball legs, the team started with a challenging play against the Arellano University Chiefs.

Second quarter was full of aggression on the Red Lions' end denying the Chiefs' baskets during the first couple of minutes. But, the Chiefs' shooting power came out at 7 minutes releasing a 3, but was answered with a 2 by the Lions. Sudan Daniel got a basket and free throws within 5 minutes on the clock. Lanete followed with a 3 and the next couple of minutes, both teams making scores. Lanete scored another 3 at over 4 minutes. The Lions still up with loud roars, at the same time, making petty errors here and there (along with the AU Chiefs). Failed 3 by Hermida & no score for the Chiefs at over 2 minutes. More turnovers by AU allowing the Lions to score. Last few seconds of the quarter, the Chiefs released a 3 ending with 16 point lead in favor of SBC, 50-34.

Third quarter's the peak of SBC's score. First couple of minutes, the advantage was up by 21 plus another 3 by Borgie Hermida. Daniel contributed 2 while they impair the opponents' offense but missed a charity throw at 3:34. Turnovers by the Chiefs increased but the team found an advantage in scoring through foul shots. Lanete let another 3 within the last 3 minutes of the quarter. Miranda scores for AU through charity toss. The Chiefs finally were able to score 2 within the last 2 minutes of the quarter. Daniel rejected a basket from AU and the lead went way up by 32 at 51.7 on the clock. But, small errors by the Lions allowed the Chiefs to lessen the lead through free throws ending the quarter with 28 point lead by the Lions, 79-51.

Fourth quarter was almost a chance for AU to catch up as their men started releasing 3s within the early minutes of the final quarter. They also exhibited strength in defense while the Lions started becoming a little erratic opening their defense for the Chiefs to make long shots. Under 6 minutes, Virtudazo let a 3 but Baby Shaq Taganas immediately answered with a 2. Two consecutive 2s for the Lions under 2 minutes and no score for AU. At 1:48, the Chiefs scored 3 and Miranda made a 2 after an attempt by the Lions. Last couple of seconds, the Lions scored one last 3 ending with 28 point advantage, 102-74.

Jay-R Taganas was the star player of the game. I wasn't able to get his stats, sorry.

The San Beda College Juniors also won the game against AU Juniors, 106-51.

Not that the first game was nothing to me. Just I wasn't able to watch it because I was watching a flick after lunch. So, I have no idea which team won. First game was EAC against AUF.

Last friday, July 3, I was out so I missed the happenings in NCAA. But, here's where you can find details of last friday's games:

St. Benilde now 2-0 after stopping Mapua
JRU crushes hapless Perpetual Help

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SBC's game against SSC-Recolettos last July 1st was an overthrow ending with 83-77 in favor of SSC-R. And twas quite disappointing for the SBC fans since the team was holding the advantage during the first 3 quarters. But, the lead didn't reach any higher than 5 and the game was, in fact, a pretty tight one. This was what pushed coach Ato Agustin to encourage his men to focus and snatch the lead from the Lions, which they were able to do at the last quarter.

Game's Star Player was Jimbo Aquino.

Personal views: the Lions could have won the game had there been an initiative to do offensive & defensive rebounds by the big men. Also, they opened their defense for SSC-R's 3-pointer to score. A friend thought that keeping Pascual, Hermida and Marcelo in the bench during the crucial minutes of the final quarter also jeopardized their victory.

For more NCAA basketball (& UAAP) updates, please just visit Inbound Pass. And for complete schedule list and results, go HERE.

San Beda Red Lions' Upcoming Games

Just sharing the upcoming games of the Lions...

All games will be held at the FilOil Flying V Arena, San Juan.

July 1
Wednesday
2:00PM
vs. San Sebastian College-Recoletos

July 6
Monday
4:00PM
vs. Angeles University

July 13
Monday
2:00PM
vs. College of Saint Benilde

July 17
Friday
4:00PM
vs. University of Perpetual Help System Delta

July 24
Friday
2:00PM
vs. College of San Juan de Letran

July 31
Friday
4:00PM
vs. Emilio Aguinaldo College

August 5
Wednesday
2:00PM
vs. Arellano University

August 10
Monday
4:00PM
vs. Jose Rizal University

For complete NCAA Season 85 upcoming games, go to John Paul Manahan's Official Domain.

I just learned that the 3 teams added (Arellano University, Angeles University and Emilio Aguinaldo College) were only invited to be guest teams for the 2009-2010 season and will still need to apply to be NCAA members for the next season. However, should any of the guest teams win any events they participate in will be eligible and will be part of their acceptance as full members. This is the decision of the Management Committee.

Too bad my alma mater (Centro Escolar University) was not chosen. It's one of the top candidates to fill the spot left by PCU, which is currently taking an indefinite leave for identity switching in their Juniors basketball team. But, I believe they will be back next season, anyway. Am wondering, though, what considerations taken for choosing the 3 guest teams.

Another 33C day! Deciding whether to watch NCAA live games today or not. No game for SBC, anyway, so why bother? But, am excited to see how the 3 guest teams play. Is there something to fret about? Are they threats? That's what I wish to find out. For me to know this, I really need to head to the Arena as today's games won't be televised. Aww. Looks like I don't have enough time to prepare. It's already 1:02PM and the 1st game starts at 2PM. Surely, the good seats are already taken.

On with the day, I guess.

Til next game.

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.

This morning, I was anxious to get myself out of bed for no clear reason. Weather's somewhat unbearable at 33C so, I was unsuccessful. Took longer time in bed until I remembered there's one very important thing I needed to do. Twas Hippo who reminded me tis NCAA 85 Season Opening today. That was already lunchtime so there's no chance for me to rush to Araneta Coliseum where NCAA holds its opening every year. Another opening of season I missed attending, so I was stuck in front of the television the entire afternoon.

Still I was excited only to realize that 2 of my favorite lions are not anymore playing: Escobal and Menor along with Sam Ekwe. Awww.

Anyway, I didn't know I didn't blog about last year's games. How was that possible? Twas their 3rd win and I never wrote about that season at all? *perplexed*

...ok, so, the program went pretty good with all the presentations and interviews hosted by the San Beda College. Petty observation: dancers and cheerers are becoming shorter and shorter each year. What is happening?

Yet, the excitement truly kicked off when the games started. First game was the San Beda Red Lions vs. the Mapua Cardinals. I must say the game was amateur for a 3rd time champ team. Too many lame errors by the lions and they really need to work on their free throws for the next game against the Bombers (or else).

The San Beda Red Lions won the first game.

HIGHLIGHTS

First quarter: Mapua was quiet for the first 4 minutes. Borgie Hermida showed high performance as soon as his check in, although, he hasn't regained his basketball legs from ACL injury, yet. MIT's consistent turnovers gave the SBC a 12-point advantage and ended with 15-point lead in this quarter, 27-11.

Second quarter: Long drought for the Cardinals leading to 20-point advantage in favor of the Lions, but picked up a little with the help of Ramises with a 3-pointer & inside shots. Three minutes on the clock, MIT still struggling to put the lead down, but Lim answered with a 3-pointer maintaining their 20-point advantage. The Cardinals picked up again after a quick time out and successfully put the lead down to 15 at 2 minutes and 13 at 40 seconds on the clock. Yet, Tirona made a wrap-around-pass to Lanete who then let out a 2 point score ending the quarter with 15-point lead, 39-24.

Third quarter: Gamalinda scored 2 & 3 at the start of the first half and SBC center Sudan Daniel (rookie) gave a superslam taking the lead to 24. Soriano of MIT let a 3-pointer taking the lead down with Acosta converting inside shots, but the Lions are unstoppable and still raise the lead up to the game's highest, 26. Quarter score 63-37.

Fourth quarter: Cinco gave 3 consecutive shots at the start of the final quarter as the lions' defense weakened. The entire quarter went boring as if teams and audience were only waiting which team scores next. Espinosa contributed 2 consecutive shots for the Cardinals while Pascual answered for the Lions with 2 consecutive scores at the final seconds of the game. Soliman, out of desperation, made a rookie error giving a foul just before the bell.

Final score: 85-52
Star player: Sudan Daniel - 13 points, 9 rebounds, 5 blocks and 2 assists


Second game: the Letran Knights vs. JRU Heavy Bombers.

Wilson kicked off the score. First quarter was full of personal fouls as the game was undeniably physical, which is really expected of the 2 teams. Game was tight but the lead was in favor of the Bombers. Jazul scored after a moment of silence from the Knights. Gutilban let a 3-pointer. Jazul inned an inside shot at the last seconds ending the first quarter with 20-17 in favor of JRU.

Defense went tighter for the two teams. Several turnovers were forced through the Knights' strong defense causing the bombers to make more errors. Wilson gave a 3-point shot at 4:40. Last shot by Aloysius Taplah (rookie) of Letran, his first basket for the season, but not enough to take them to the lead. Score in favor of JRU 36-30.

My brother suddenly appeared and we talked incessantly the rest of the afternoon til early evening. I missed the 3rd quarter scores. :(

JRU won the game, 69-66. Wilson being the player of the game.

But, the game was good. Much better than the first one. A game of skilled and professional players. The Bombers are still intact with most of its main men playing losing only Nocom. Cena, Wilson, Hayes, Cagoco and NJei still are displaying their strong and expert skills. It's only a matter of how the coach will use them to be this season's champs.

During the entire game, it's quite noticeable how the little errors of the Bombers impacted their play and ended with only 3 point lead when within the remaining 4 minutes of the 4th quarter their lead reached 12.

The Letran Knights truly gave a good fight in this game and with lesser errors the next games, I believe they have a strong fight to the finals. The team's key losses are Daa and Melegrito. The main men -- Guevarra and Jazul -- need a lot of hard work and confidence to help the team make it to the finals.

So far, the JRU Bombers have the strongest advantage and there's no doubt they can really advance to the finals. This scares me as, of course, SBC is my baby. Real hard work is needed for them to maintain their 3-season title.

Next game's on Monday, 29 June 2009 at the Arena (San Juan).

1st game - 2PM
College of Saint Benilde Blazers
vs.
Angeles University Foundation Great Danes

2nd game - 4PM
Arellano University Chiefs
vs.
Emilio Aguinaldo College Generals


Back to being a sports fan. heh

I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.

Today, I received a package from VA, USA through FedEx. Been expecting this really, but wasn't expecting it to arrive today. Good thing am home. Or, a bad thing? Twas a huge box for what package I expected but didn't even mind wondering why. So, I opened the box and voila! It doesn't contain only one book but two with four DVDs and some packs of sweet goodies! Thanks, Tom!

Until now, I still don't know what I should feel. Maybe, because I wasn't really expecting anything like this to happen. Yes, I know it was me who requested GOD to give me something that will keep me more occupied so I can escape from the feelings of depression but my request was nothing as grand as this one.

Twas Friday (or Saturday) last week when I fervently prayed to GOD about my sitch (one of the many times I poured my heart out to HIM the past weeks). Asked HIM this and that. One of the requests was to help me get my attention off this nagging emotions inside me. Sunday early morning, I received a call from Tom with his loud news he's going to hire me as a full time proposal writer. Because my brain was still slumbering at that moment, I reacted a bit unexcited. In fact, I kinda responded like, "hey, are you nuts?! This is not my field, y'know." I found myself refusing the offer almost immediately while Tom kept his patience encouraging me that it's a very good deal.

For almost an hour (or so), we were just talking about the same thing. And because I knew he's not gonna stop until I say YES, I had to tell him I need time to think about it, which he respected but still left me with more encouraging words (and compliments) before letting me go.

But, I was too engrossed with my emotions. I took it as if it added burden to my already heavy chest. It's so wrong how I felt, I know. This is a blessing, for crying out loud! I've been hearing about people being laid off here and there. Mom told me about my cousin who's, mind you, a very intelligent girl but lost her job recently. And here I am sulking about the job being offered to me?! Just what was I thinking, right?

They're offering me a very generous compensation for one. In addition to what I am already earning monthly, here's another PhPxx,xxx plus a commission based bonus of PhPxx,xxx for every successful proposal. This is just for the first months of training. By the 3rd month, he promised to raise my basic to PhPxx,xxx still with the cbb. So, that can already buy me a new car in less than 10 months!

I will be spared of sulking and feeling sorry for myself for two. Tom was straightforward enough to tell me that the first 5-6 months will be very demanding for me. The fact that I need to learn the ins and outs of the industry...I may be required to work 10 hours or as needed per day. This translates to >> I won't have any chance to feel myself anymore. << My hours will be spent productively.

Because I will have to spend longer hours being more workaholic and OC, I can probably have good night slumbers at the end of each day for three. Am expecting more headache, more backache and drained mind. All these can surely get me exhausted enough to have comfortable zzzs.

This is going to widen my knowledge and opportunities for four. Not a lot of people are given this rare opportunity to learn while working. The offer's nothing like no-brainer than the tasks am presently doing. Not that I don't love the 2 jobs I am currently juggling. Just, this one is a real challenge. In addition to learning more, there's the opportunity to get acquainted with more possible clients and business partners.

GOD answered my prayer for five. Guess, HE's staring back at me with so much pity because of how crushed I am or I am making myself to be. So, HE gave me something to appreciate.

Obviously, I understand how silly I am to refuse such an offer. I clearly understand that there are more reasons under 'advantages slot' than 'disadvantages slot".

Now, looking at the contents of the package, I feel fear. Fear of failing or of not meeting what's expected of me. I want to question GOD, "why do you trust me this much?" In fact, I believe I have already asked HIM this several times. Cause, I can't seem to take it whenever HE's like placing such great faith in me. HE believes in me that much when I can't even believe in my own self. But, well, just like what Wilbert's forwarded message to me says, "When we are given heavy loads by GOD, it only means that we are WORTHY of HIS trust". It's comforting to know that GOD thinks I am worthy of HIS trust. This makes me feel so guilty right now. I should stop whining and being a wimp.

Thanks to Ron W. for always posting reminders from the Bible on FB. Here's what I need to keep in mind from this day forward:

John 14:27 — Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Peace is what GOD is giving me. HE wants me to not let my heart be troubled and to be not afraid. HE will guide me.

Finally, who even posted this as her blast in FB? "Do not ask the Lord to guide your steps if you are not willing to move your feet." -- ME!


Toodle-oo!

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy. I've never said this to anybody before in my whole life. Cam... I love you.

~ Good luck Chuck

You're scared because you don't understand... I'm scared because I do.

Something to ponder about:

Marc: he could be a weak person - not fighting for the girl of his dreams - and does not want you to think of him as less chivalrous by dumping his current girl for you. This to me is a just a cop-out. If he truly loves you, he should move mountains and go to any length to be with you.

would you want someone like him as a partner, knowing that he gave up on you easily?

I feel like I should say something smart.

There was a man who saw a scorpion almost drowning in water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried, but the scorpion stung him again. Another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion. But the man said, "It's the nature of the scorpion to sting, it's my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it's the nature of the scorpion to sting?" Don't give up caring, don't give up loving, don't give up your goodness even when everyone around you stings.

It's true that it's tiring to love. You keep giving and giving without expecting anything in return but pain. Sometimes, I don't know if I should curse that I was born this way or rejoice that my heart's comparatively better than the rest. But, seriously, it takes so much to have compassion. Because even it aches, there's more inside me to give away.

Lizzie would always say my goodness doesn't bring me good. It is rather a liability. That I am susceptible to abuse and all. Yes, that's true. There's no point in contesting. But, how can I fight my heart? It condemns me when I get angry, when I start thinking for myself, when I complain, when I ask something in return, when there's a real need to say mean things...blah blah blah... I mean, I am asking the same question from the story above -- "Why should I give up my nature to love just because it's the nature of the scorpion to sting?"

Funny how I found this story, actually... and how I had to show it to Lizzie right away. Maybe, it's really comforting to know that there might be a lot like me somewhere who won't mind getting stung by scorpions and not give up their nature only because the world is unfriendly and hostile.

Another argument Lizzie would throw at me is this: "how can you love others if you don't firstly love yourself?" Something a bit hard for me to answer. For me, I give love and that's what gives me happiness. By loving others...even those who hurt and are hurting me still...I love myself. How? Because I respect my nature. I do as I wish. It might be hurting me, but it gives me fulfillment. Like riding a roller coaster is frightening and risky, but people still ride it to satisfy themselves because they love themselves. The way I love myself just so happened to be loving others. End of argument.

Until you are happy with who you are You will never be happy with what you have.

Why is it, when you are looking for that someone, you find no one, but, once you find it, a lot more choices start showing up? But, if you leave that first love, then, they all start drifting away? Is that love's way of testing your true feelings or to see if your ready for love?

If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long?

Did you ever notice that people give up on love as they get older?

When you're a little girl, all you want to do is fall in love. Then when you're a teenager, every guy you meet you think is "the one". Then when you're an adult and you have been hurt from the breakups as a teen, you're not interested in love anymore. You just don't want to be alone, so you settle for someone you might even know isn't your soul mate. I know so many adults that aren't truly where they want to be. I just try to think about what they might have went through to make them settle for second best, and I hope that doesn't happen to me.

There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open... with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for paths. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. Learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong and you really do have worth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

So sad to know that people rather choose not to communicate. I mean, we're all so excited to hear the first words of a baby. We're looking forward that they will soon start to communicate their feelings or thoughts to make it easier for us to respond to them. I wonder why when we grow up, it becomes harder for us to communicate yet easier to talk behind another's back. Such a wrong way to make use of communication.

What makes it easier to talk behind another's back? This I can't answer but all I know is this is an activity convenient fo dastards. Sadly, it's those we consider friends are the first ones to do this dirty deed to us. Instead of telling us where we're going wrong, they'd broadcast it to others for others to have the greatest privilege to look down on us. You rely on friends to back you up yet they end up speaking all kinds of evil about/against you. They're the first ones to judge you as if your mistake is unforgiveable. How grateful I am that they're not god. I am happy with the GOD I know for HE does not condemn no matter how grave the sin we commit. What right do we have to condemn others and really make them feel we do not want to have anything to do with them? I call these kinds of people hypocrite.

“It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.”

At least, I am now more aware who to trust. I know enough that when someone talks so much about others especially their ugly side, this is not the kind of friend anyone would want to have.

“Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.”

...what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.

A life without purpose is not a life worth living.

What do we live for? Are we chasing the wrong things? Are we putting value on the wrong things, relationships or emotions? If your answer to the last two questions is YES, then, you are not living a meaningful life.

So what? What's the point in creating a meaningful and purposeful life? I'll tell you what. One weighty reason is because 'we are all in search for real happiness'. Happiness that is genuine with peace and contentment can never be achieved if we live wandering around without making any sense of what our life is about. Emptiness is the outcome. We end up with a disillusioned life.

Often, we find ourselves lost. Without any clear vision of where we're going or what we're supposed to do. Everyday, we'd wake up and do our routine without clearly understanding why we're doing what we do. Or, because it's what we grow up learning to do with life. Children sleep early at night to wake up early the next day to prepare for school. They'd spend most of their day in the school campus, go back home and do the same things. Adults struggle to sleep early at night to wake up the next morning to prepare breakfast for the kids... single adults grab any ready-to-eat goodies in the fridge ... then, rush their way to the corporate world and deal with the everyday work pressures and stress. Everything like a routine. We think life is really just a cycle.

Truth is, children truly need to go to school and make good grades while adults, single and married alike, need to work, earn and save. However, these are not the only reasons why we all move on and go about with our valuable lives. If these were all the reasons we know why we live on Earth, then, happiness can never be found. Because there is nothing meaningful in these things aside from the fact that we all should survive. Children need to learn to land good jobs when they grow old. When they grow old, they should still keep struggling since competition is tight. What is so interesting about that?

Yet, aside from the basics, there are more in life that we need to understand. One is, we can make our life real meaningful. Something that gives us deeper purpose that will satisfy our soul. Something that will bring us true happiness from the satisfaction that we have done something extraordinary. By living outside the box. Who would want to remain using a black & white television set when colored ones are available? Break routines and seek your purpose. Learn how to make your life meaningful.

The question is "HOW?"

Not long ago, I couldn't understand what they mean by, 'life is about relationships'... 'no man is an island' until I learned that, indeed, we need others to be truly happy. Knowing that someone is listening, someone cares, someone understands... it's already a relief. We learn through others. The things we already know are sharpened and strengthened by another person.

I used to be a loner. But, whenever I was with people, I drew learnings from them. I inquired a lot about how they live, how they learn, how they react to situations without realizing my need for these information, which I can never learn had I chosen to not be around people. Good thing there's school. What could've happened to me if I were a complete hermit and locked myself in the house because of my natural fear of people hurting me?

If not for the people I met and allowed in my life, my learnings won't be complete. My knowledge of the world won't increase. Relationship is extremely important. All kinds of it.

...And maintaining relationships -- friendship, love, familial, etc -- requires making another person happy. Knowing that we make others happy gives us satisfaction and real happiness. It gives us self-worth knowing we have done something divine for another human being. At least, this is one very important way I know how to live a meaningful life. Not to mention very satisfying.

In fact, there are countless ways to live with so much purpose. Depends on each one of us. We must live according to how we are designed to live. But, here's a better way of realizing things better. When you start feeling empty, as if, you're walking half-asleep... with no clear direction... ask yourself these questions, 'why do I feel this way?' ... 'What is missing?' More often than not, we find these questions hard to answer. We struggle to get answers, and at times, we just give up we'd ever know the answers we need. This is about the time we must start to surrender ourselves to our creator Who knows the very purpose why we exist. It's just about time that we open our hearts and place our faith in only HIM.

During my 2ndth day (2ndth week) attending the "One Life To Live" seminar (I chose to be with the Wednesday people), Marielle, the group facilitator challenged us to answer one substantial question, "how NOT to live a life with purpose?" I was compelled to look back at my life. Here are my answers:

1. To live in the past.
2. To live with fear and disappointments.

(these were the only 2 answers I was able to give at that time since there was very limited time to discuss for each group member)

Elaboration: First point. Past is already history. We can never undo anything. We've been hurt, we've already failed... there's nothing that we can do to change what already happened. If we let our past take a hold of our life, then, we only tend to cling to the ugly events in our life, which will then, make us cynical. For those who have very good disposition, remembering the past can be helpful. The ugly events in their lives can inspire them to be resilient and strong. But, to most, dwelling in the past, especially, the not-so-pleasant-memories may hinder them from living a worthwhile life because something holds them back. They fear, therefore, they can't completely give of themselves. Am sure this is self-explanatory and many can actually give better rationale to this point I gave.

Second point. Once we become controlled by our tendency to live in the past, fear sets in. Disappointments collect. It becomes hard to trust because we remember that people in our past hurt us. So, the things we are supposed to do, we fail to do in fear people will let us down again. There will be things which we will be incapable of doing because we are afraid that we might fail again (if we keep remembering the failures we had when we were younger). Fear inhibits us from spreading our wings.

Personal experience taught me these things. I could've been a better person, I could've reached my dreams had I not allowed myself to live in the past and let fear control me. But, I already did. And the only way I can release myself from this bondage is to forget about "could've beens". I am choosing to live in the NOW. So, everything I wasn't able to do before, I will now leave behind so I can finally move on and start doing what I can do living in the present. I must stop dwelling in the past and remember sad memories only to teach me how I can live life to the full.

Surely, everyone of us have our own sad stories to tell. But, these stories should not hinder us from being the persons we ought to be. We must not allow our past pains to affect our relationships. We must not allow our past pains to control our lives, actions and way of thinking. Cause if we do, we are surely to waste our precious lives.

Because of my fears, I surrounded myself with very tall walls around me. I didn't want to be hurt. Not anymore. With it, I was not able to totally make use of my special gift -- compassion. Because of fear, my growth and progress were hampered. I missed so many opportunities. I didn't live my life to the full. I knew I could've done a lot, but with fear overwhelmed me, I was stuck. I wasted precious years. I wasted my life.

How about you? How will you answer this question based on your personal experience?... "how NOT to live a life with purpose?"

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

When everything in your life is right on track, it’s easy to believe that things happen for a reason. It’s easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong, then it’s very hard to hold onto that faith. Its hard not to wonder whose reasons these things are happening for.

True isn't it?

It's the last day of the month. So many things happened. If I will choose to be pessimistic I'd (without reservation) say it's 85% bad. And, if I didn't know how much GOD loves me, I'd let all the faith I have fade away. Yeah, why should sad things happen in the first place? The big question, "WHY?"

I placed my faith on the possibility that my cousin could still survive. She didn't. Eleven thirty, morning of January 19, 2009, she passed away. I still grieve for her death. No, we're not close. We were not the type who would meet everyday ...laugh and talk about life. Our relationship was nothing like that. So, why the heck am I affected? Who knows? Can't even answer this question myself. But, my heart is grieving. For me to even take time to write about her ...and her always in my mind. It's letting the pain live. My heart is sad. Why did it have to happen?

She's a promising 23-year-old girl. Bright. Maybe, we didn't know each other well. I knew only very lil things about her. But, I believe she brought so many joys in many people's lives. Maybe, the sadness roots from the fact that we didn't had the chance to spend more time with each other. Or, that I wasn't able to help her during her days on that death bed. But, I was hopeful. I kept my faith. I believed she will survive and live longer. As I prayed for her healing, I added tremendous amount of faith that GOD will let her survive and she will live to tell her tale. So, when mom broke the news, I hardly could react. I wasn't even able to shed a tear. I have so much disappointment within.

But, of course, I have to let go. Just as everyone else is letting go. Believe that it's the best thing to happen. After all, she suffered more than enough. Maybe, I should just accept what all others are saying, let her go, so she can finally rest.

About the same time, I also had to deal with so many pressures. My patience was tried. I kept failing. And, I kept realizing how worthless I am without GOD as my guiding light. The month was more of a training one for me. Can I say I successfully passed it? Well, I don't want to be self-righteous now. I better just leave this unanswered.

All I want to say, though, is... it's hard to keep faith alive when you're in troubled waters. When there seems to be more questions than answers. When you keep failing yourself or whenever you don't meet your expectations of yourself. It's just tough. At times, you can think of nothing else but stop believing in anything. Move on without any sense of purpose. Just walk along with all other people. Because, whenever I try to live with so much purpose and I fail, I also don't stop condemning myself for each failure. And, seriously, am tired.

I wonder how people get by. I wonder how all others are dealing with losses. I wonder if many are just like me who gets to experience the same often. Guess am not as invincible as I thought I was.

Yes, I am not as resilient. I am not strong. I might be the weakest among the weak. But, this one thing I know... GOD is with me. And the question, "whose reasons these things are happening for?" The only answer I know is, GOD.

There were so many ugly things that happened. Some unimaginable. But, I don't get to dwell on them anymore like how I used to. Yes, oftentimes, I get to remember even the ugly moments in my life since I was very small. But, they don't affect me as much anymore. Somehow, I am being released from the bondages. Inch by inch. One step at a time, I move forward. And I am regaining my faith and everything that I had lost. This is not even my own efforts. It is because I let GOD do the work for me.

GOD don't love me less with my every failure. Instead, HE loves me more. And I feel my relationship with HIM is becoming stronger. This makes me confident that whatever happens, I will find strength to get by.

Tomorrow is next month. In fact, in a few minutes it's already February. I am not anticipating better days. I am trusting that through ups and downs, I have GOD to share my everydays with. Nothing more comforting than knowing this.

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.”

My first post for the New Year. *BIG SMILE*

It's 2009. Another chance More opportunities to grab to improve quality of life and live with purpose. New Year's resolutions? Not that I don't believe the list can help. But, so far most in the list only end up another failure(ssssss). More reasons that people get disappointed with themselves. Myself included.

Looking back, I didn't really have any resolutions at all. Except those times when my professors told the class to make one. Maybe, I found it pointless. Dunno. Not until the last few months of 2008 when I began listing down "daily" resolutions and go back to the lists time and again to see if I am keeping up with them. It's more effective, in fact. As I have my resolutions handy since they're in my small notebook, which I always bring along with me. It's become more like a TO DO list. This is what I'd rather suggest for everyone to do.

2008 was a good year for me. Not because everything that happened that year was wonderful. It's more of because the way I view things changed completely. No regrets. No bitterness. No grumbling. No discontentment. No more 'could've beens'. Past is long gone. There's tomorrow to look forward to and present to live by. I resolve to not anymore say, "I wish I were...", "it could've been better if...", "if only...". Whatever that did not happen in my past meant not to happen for reasons. I don't need to know the reasons. If the reasons appear right under my nose, I'd be thankful my questions have been answered. If they don't come at all, I'd still be thankful because I am a better person today.

Things do happen. Sometimes they have to happen. I won't say that I have completely let go of the bitterness that locked me inside my bubble. But, I have learned to accept everything. Besides, if it weren't for the bad experiences, my full potential won't ever be unleashed. It's the sad events in my life that gave me deeper understanding and discernment. I can never be more thankful in my life had I not gained wisdom. So, I choose to look back with thanksgiving. Whether the memory I have to remember is sad or happy. Because I am here to live today to serve my purpose and not everyone is given that privilege. So, I will live each day with so much meaning and purpose.

While browsing some Happy New Year! glitter comments I had seen some comments like, "Goodbye 2008! You s%#k!" ... "2008, am glad you're over!" ... Poor 2008 (or whatever year). When it's not really the years that make or break people. It's always people. How they view things. How they deal with situations. Fact is, we're all so prepared receiving good things but never prepared for the trials. So, when what we call bad luck happens, we have no idea how to get by. We sulk and stay in one corner and believe that "life is unfair".

The best way to start each year is to acknowledge that not-so-good-things can happen. Days can be rough on us. But, with good disposition, we can always get by and survive triumphantly. Knowing that things just happen and accepting that they are not always in favor of us, we can ready ourselves whatever might come along. And, entrusting our cares to GOD will better help us more.

If remembering sad experiences is inevitable, remember them and think of their positive effects in your life.

I never always received what I wanted. My dad was not the very generous one. In our household, exchanging of gifts was never a practice. And not so many people remember to give me Christmas presents. Yes, not even my godparents. Not even my relatives. Not even my closest friends. So, as a child, Christmas eve for me was nothing extraordinary. It's just like any other day except there were colorful lights, Christmas tree, carols and more food. But, in stead of being bitter about this, I can just revel on what it taught me -- that real joy and true happiness do not come from material things. It taught me the meaning of contentment. I didn't grow up believing that receiving gifts is extremely necessary to make one happy or to make a Christmas eve fun. What it taught me was something more meaningful. That is the urge to make someone else happy. And this is nothing that is forced. It comes from within. A sincere desire to contribute something to another's happiness. Sums up to a trait called, selflessness.

The trait I just mentioned may not appeal to all. This is a trait prone to abuse as two of my closest and sensible friends would tell me. And, I know it for a fact. But, who deserves what? is what I ask myself all the time. If I received Christmas presents each Christmas when I was a child, it still won't change anything. I deserve not any present if to consider all the bad things against the good I had done. "Deserve" is such a strong word for me. If for each good thing I do I'd get a star and for every bad a star taken back, there won't be anything left and it could even be not just zero but a negative with a 2-digit number, maybe.

Yes, I am too critical with myself. And I struggle trying to do what's right and proper all the time as much as I can, although, most of the time I fail. It's been my hobby. I evaluate myself a lot unfairly most of the time. But, I am happier this way than fool myself into thinking that I have been righteous and deserve so much more. Then, end up being selfish. My heart is just not created this way. Unfortunately for me. So, instead of my heart condemning me each time, I rather make myself happy with pain from not getting what I deserve. I do end up broken hearted but, at least, fulfilled.

Not a lot will understand. Foolish, maybe. Naive. But, this is my heart. And it's what it wants. I do not want this, if you ask me. But, I am bound to make use of what gift I have, which is compassion. Although, there is still one thing I need to work on, to forgive.

With all these said, I can add another blessing from 2008. I have sincere and caring friends. Not so many, but real. They look after me which I can't do for myself because I am bound to do something that serves my life's purpose. They are mirrors that tell me what I cannot see. Because they love me, they strive to open up my eyes to the reality of the world, which used to be unknown to me. Not to turn me into a callous person, but to protect me from unforseen emotional anguish. They may have seen me stubborn and impractical, but they embraced me like that. Perhaps, they are thinking their suggestions are not even considered. They just don't know. But, what's important is they remain. Aren't they splendid blessings? To me, they are.

I love 2008 because it brought me out of my depressive state. For the past years before 2008, I had been lonely. There was no meaning in my life although there were so many things accomplished and achieved. I became wiser. And, I learned to understand what the "grace of GOD" truly means. It taught me that I don't need to struggle because I can trust GOD. There are things that I can do and so many things I cannot. And those that I cannot do, I should lift up to HIM and let HIM do the work for me while I keep myself busy with those that I can. It's liberating. Because I came to the point when I can't anymore stop ...with this in mind, "so little time so much to do". So, I kept moving. And each failure ...I tortured myself. Twas such a bondage. Intoxicating. Slowly killing me.

When I acknowledged my dependence to GOD, HE freed me from the bondage I myself welcomed in my life. HE spoke to me and said, "Struggle no more. Let ME carry you." And boy, the next thing I know, I felt so light. There was lesser burden. And as I lift up my burdens to HIM each prayer, I feel HIS love moving in my life. Crawling through my system. So, the compassion that is already in me becomes greater by the day.

GOD made me realize so many things:

One, that I am just like everybody else, HUMAN. Not and can never be righteous. So, even if I struggle to be one, I will only fail. So, I was released from that bondage of condemning my own self.

Two, I cannot do things on my own. I know no better so HE gave me real friends.

Three, HIS grace is sufficient. I should not fret. HE will provide. I will NEVER be empty.

Four, there is no point worrying when HE is at work. HE knows what I need before I even ask. Just like our parents give us things they think are best for us, GOD knows what is best for us. Nobody else knows better than HIM.

Five, HE has forgiven me and will always ready to forgive my weaknesses, failures and sins so I should also forgive myself and move on. Waking up a better person each blunder.

Six, that my deeds will never be enough. Because HIS weaknesses are still greater than my strengths. And my strengths are worse than HIS weaknesses. This taught me the real essence of the word humility.

Seven, everything that is given by HIM is absolute. Nothing can take anything from us if it's given by GOD.

Eight, if it is just hard to trust, I should just trust GOD because HIS promises never fail.

Nine, although, everything has reasons, I should be content not knowing what. It is better to just put my trust in HIM and go on. Searching for answers can only hamper my mission. I'd only get stuck. Then, in the end, knowing the reason only makes me bitter.

Ten, I am not alone. Never was. Nuf said.

Eleven, accepting myself including my weaknesses and failures is one way to improve myself, and not to mention, is very liberating. I no longer wish things should've been different like I used to. Now, I am not anymore stuck to accomplishing nothing. Past is past. There is nothing that can be undone. But, there is so much that I can do with my present. And my future is much more promising.

Twelve, I now know that I am designed this way for a very good purpose. So, there is nothing to resent about. Both my strengths and weaknesses serve some special purpose in my life's journey.

...still too many to list down here...

...Now, I can say with all gladness that since the day I was born, my years have been nothing but blessings. No single year had been a bad one. From this day forward, I will look back with thanksgiving because GOD has been good to me.

No need for me to list down all material blessings I received last year for me to say it was a good year. No material thing can equal the joy that is in my heart right now for what GOD has done in my life. And my wish this year is that all people will give themselves a chance to experience this same joy. Real joy.

Happy and A BLESSED New Year, all!!!