Don't be critics and point out flaws in God's art.

Countless people are crushed inside themselves and live without hope these days. Many of them think that the world is nothing but an ugly place. That life is unfair. A lot see themselves as the world's rejects. But, I don't bite at this. It's not really the place that causes pain and misery. It's what's in it. Storm comes, yes. But, if only we function in love and compassion, storms could be easier to bear. In stead of pointing fingers and highlighting the wrongs of others...in stead of being indifferent and taking no accountability for the life of another... if only people walk in love... the world could've been a nicer place to live in.  

What's wrong is that many people... even close friends and many Christians... harbor so much hate, envy, jealousy, selfishness, and all other trash in their system and then talk about others behind their back. They stop coming around you, avoid you...do spiritual quarantine; or the least, fake smiles, conversations and niceness...in stead, of telling you what they think is wrong with you or whatever you might have done which offended them. Then, they go to Church every Sunday clapping, shouting, singing and acting their best to show they're good people.

It seems that people have found ways to kill or torture others, not physically, but with their words, animosity, hostility, indifference, judgment, criticisms, slander, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, envy...and all the many trash they hide inside themselves they use as spears. All those baggage should be let go rather than be used as weapons against each other. True enough... HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.

Be very careful not to use the Bible to your benefit...to manipulate people... and then ignore the parts in there that point to your wrongs. Like, "do not judge", "do not slander" ...especially, without really knowing the person or what really happened.

If anyone thinks himself to be piously observant of the external duties of his faith yet does not control his tongue but deludes his own heart, this person’s religious service is worthless. [James 1:26]

Remember this: There are some terrible times coming in the last days. People will love only themselves and money. They will be proud and boast about themselves. They will abuse others with insults. They will not obey their parents. They will be ungrateful and against all that is pleasing to God. They will have no love for others and will refuse to forgive anyone. They will talk about others to hurt them and will have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. People will turn against their friends. They will do foolish things without thinking and will be so proud of themselves. Instead of loving God, they will love pleasure. They will go on pretending to be devoted to God, but they will refuse to let that “devotion” change the way they live. Stay away from these people! [2 Timothy 3:1-5]

There is no other commandment highly emphasized by Jesus but these two:

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and most important command. And the second command is like the first: Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.’  [Matthew 22:37-40]

Whoever is of God loves because God is love. Love causes one not to do bad to others.

FAKE is the trend and so many are in STYLE!

To every person who gossiped about me; to everyone who tries to be close to me to know my story only to tell the world of it in a malicious manner; to the close-minded; to the judgmental and critic; to friends who turned out to be backstabbers; to those who envy and compete; and, to those who "secretly" keep their dislike or hatred toward me yet smile at and talk nicely to me: 

You all challenge me to become a better person. You all turn me into a stronger and wiser woman. For all that you have done -- no matter how bad and hurtful... you've unknowingly done so much in favor of me. For that, I THANK you ALL.

I share the same sentiment King David had...

If it were an enemy making fun of me, I could endure it; if it were an opponent boasting over me, I could hide myself from him. But it is you, my companion, my colleague and close friend.  We had intimate talks with each other and worshiped together in the Temple. [Psalm 55:12]

And this, my best friend, betrayed his best friends;
    his life betrayed his word.
All my life I’ve been charmed by his speech,
    never dreaming he’d turn on me.
His words, which were music to my ears,
    turned to daggers in my heart.  [v. 20-21]

 ~~~~~~~~~~

 You might call many people your “friends,”but it is hard to find someone who can really be TRUSTED. [Proverbs 20:6, ERV]

Evil people say things to make themselves look good,
but they keep their evil plans a secret.
What they say sounds good, but don’t trust them.
They are full of evil ideas. They hide their evil plans with nice words,
but in the end, everyone will see the evil they do.
Liars hate the people they hurt, and false praise can hurt people.
[Proverbs 26:24-28]

It's truly helpful to not EXPECT from anyone. You'll be so surprised to know ...the people you thought are sincere friends are the very ones who "secretly" hate you for whatever reasons you won't ever fathom. They are worse than enemies because they always try to inflict pain in ways unimaginable while you're unsuspiciously giving your trust. It's simply frustrating how no matter you give the best that you can...the best that you have...it'll never suffice. Some friends hide behind smiles but their hearts are filled with inexplicable animosity. You may arrive at different conclusions and try to fix what might be wrong with you, but the truth is, you will never be able to satisfy them because they're really not your friends right from the beginning, in the first place. Sad but true.

And, I learned this truth the hard way...

 

Not because I choose to do right I can expect others to do the same. I realized that I can only be responsible for my own behavior and attitude. I will never have any influence in another's. It's their choice. And, unless they resolve in their hearts to release animosity, hatred, bitterness, envy, and all other negative feelings they choose to nurture... I can never expect them to be considerate of my feelings. There's emptiness, hunger and thirst within them, which no matter how I try to fill will never be satisfied. I am not the solution. My solutions aren't gonna help either. I can try and try to be better as a friend, as a person...but, it is not I who can arrange what's messy in them. They need to drop the ill feelings -- hatred, jealousy, hostility, etc. -- first and experience God's love, mercy and grace. 

The world yells, "leave those who only cause you misery...and stick to the ones who give you more love and inspiration".  Tempting to consider, huh?! Very convenient. But, self-seeking. Opposite of what the Word says, "bear with the failings of the weak" (Romans 15:1) and "do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4)

Yes, I can't do anything about the way they feel about me...about the way they treat me. They may decide to stay fake all they want. But, I can't give up LOVING. It's so true...you'll only know that you love when you sacrifice. You sacrifice your own feelings for the good of another. I can't deny that loving those who hide their hatred behind fake friendship is PAINFUL. It truly is. And, there are times I simply feel like running away from them because I am so aware of the harm they intend to inflict. Just, how can I deny them love when God didn't deny His love from me even I don't deserve it? How can I choose to give up on people when God never thought of giving up on me? God knows my innermost thoughts. God knows I am inclined to choose things that hurt Him. Still, HE chooses to love me over and over and over...............

The command to "love your enemies" is indeed challenging. But, it's more tough to love a friend who betrays. Yet, the best contribution you can impart to anyone, esp the unlovable, is unconditional love. Because they need it most when they least deserve it. If I won't choose to love them in their worst state, who will? Yes, God will. But, how can they experience God if not through me? Christians are vessels of God's love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness...and all the good stuff. And as a Christian, I can't decide who should and should not receive any good stuff when they're in God's list of recipients. I have no right to skip anyone only because they're harmful.

So all of you should live together in peace.Try to understand each other. Love each other like brothers and sisters. Be kind and humble.  Don’t do wrong to anyone to pay them back for doing wrong to you. Or don’t insult anyone to pay them back for insulting you. But ask God to bless them. Do this because you yourselves were chosen to receive a blessing.

The Scriptures say,
“If you want to enjoy true life and have only good days,  then avoid saying anything hurtful, and never let a lie come out of your mouth.  [1 Peter 3:8-10 ERV]

I just place my confidence in one thing: "The Lord sees what happens everywhere. He watches everyone, good and evil." [Proverbs 15:3]  All I have to do is to "Turn to the Lord for help in everything you do, and you will be successful." [Proverbs 16:3]  I trust what the Word says, "If you are always trying to do good, no one can really harm you. But you may suffer for doing right. If that happens, you have God’s blessing. “Don’t be afraid of the people who make you suffer; don’t be worried." [1 Peter 3:13,14]

Someone told me that unconditional love isn't possible with man. That it's only God Who can love that way. I almost want to agree because of the difficulty in doing it. But, I am fully convinced that because Christ already won the victory, I too, am a victor. I only need to be strong in the Lord. Like what the Apostle Paul said, "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live I live by believing in God's Son, who loved me and took the punishment for my sins." That's why Jesus said, "deny yourself and pick up your cross daily."  

  I will not allow defeat. I am not "of those who shrink back, but of those who have faith."

I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength!

Toodles!

"LOVE doesn't come with conditions."

“Love isn't just about everything nice. It's more of sticking it out when it's hard...when you're mad...even when you're tired.” ― The Best Man

It's not always that I get to have long conversations with relatives. Twas an enlightening one Tuesday night spending hours with my aunts, cousin and mom. Was very happy to see my nephews, brother, sister and her husband after a while. Learned many things. I came to acquaint myself with my roots. Somehow, the talk opened my eyes to many other angles and sides I'd never seen before. I realized I had remained naive. Still too many facts about life I wasn't aware of.

Not that I just received everything as was fed to me. Yes, I am not gonna deny that everything made sense. Answered many questions I'd been searching to get. It's like the yak really meant to happen. For whatever reason it had to happen. And, am hoping it's rather beneficial than destructive to me.

So many things discussed which confused me about what lessons I have been learning from the Scriptures and God's wisdom. Shook the foundation that I thought already established strongly in my core. But, I am reminded of the Word... "the enemy only comes to steal, kill and destroy". Yes, that talk really had to happen but I won't let it be used against me. I have been graciously given the understanding of the Truth for me to fail. No, I will hold on to God's Truth not the world's.

The past was relived as we talked about dad. I had to keep reassuring them there's no resentment whatsoever left in my heart. Twas long gone. In fact, even before it sprung, I already pulled the weed. I have no ill feelings toward my father. Maybe, people simply have their own perceptions of things no matter how carefully words are chosen. 

There are so many things I can charge against my dad, if truth be told. I was denied the experience of having a father who could've nurtured my emotional needs, built my confidence, and given me assurance that I am loved not for the good I do but for everything that I am. It ached me for years that I put so much effort in making my dad appreciate me; yet, instead, I was consistently rejected, put down, neglected and ignored. Yes, I have all the reason to be angry and bitter. And, I think, the way he was to me did affect me big time. It caused me to fear a lot of things. It caused me to be negative and to shut my world off. I had more than enough rejections, that's already it! But, well, God has really been awesomely gracious to me. He intervened even before the ill feelings were allowed to sink in. I was healed. And, everything else that happened after -- all the experiences, failures, pain -- simply made me more wise, loving and understanding.

Love isn't really something to have, but something to DO. I realized that I was wrongly loving. I love my dad so much and all I ever focused on my entire younger years was to have his love, as well. No doubt he loves me, too. He's prolly just not good at expressing it nor verbalizing it. Thing is, I was loving with the hopes that I will HAVE his love, too. Eventually, it's taken its toll on me. I became tired because HAVING didn't seem possible. I came to a point when I don't anymore want to DO because I knew it's impossible to HAVE.

It's like those men who I consider without backbones. Those who are only testing the waters. They don't wanna DO. They just wanna HAVE. So, if they see no possibility of HAVING, no way they're gonna DO anything. Why waste effort? Why invest? Loving seems nothing but a business.

That gave me an alert during the long talkfest with my relatives. I heard the word DUTY. I heard someone said, "relationship is just like corporation". Love (as it appears) is nothing but an investment. Don't give if there's no return. Broke my heart.

I almost believed its benefits. It's enticing to take because life would be more comfortable and convenient like that. Think about yourself. Love yourself more. Keep everything -- even people and loved ones -- at a safe distance unless they prove they're worth all the efforts. If things get hard, just walk away. Sounds to me as if people are no different from objects. Get rid of them when they're not anymore useful. You gotta preserve your happiness and comfort because you're entitled to it. All these focus on SELF. Self-interest. Funny how even Bible verses are being twisted to justify selfish reasons. "Love your neighbors as yourself" is translated as, "love yourself first before you can give love...for you can't give what you don't have." 

How sad that relationships don't anymore matter as much as it should because God values His relationship with human race. No matter how insignificant people are, how useless...because they're foolish and wicked... God sees beauty in each one and He is more than driven to love them more without requirements. But, people? ...they give themselves all the right to qualify whether a person or persons should or should not be accepted. Imagine, we have the guts to say to another how they don't belong because they failed in meeting certain standards when we don't even meet God's standards!? Ridiculous.

But, there's one thing I came to realize about the phrases I heard during the late night yak. That as a Christian, I should be too careful not to believe the world anymore. That I should be inwardly transformed by the renewing of my mind. God didn't put me on Earth to be comfortable. He put me on Earth to share the suffering of Christ. And that means, I must deny myself...my feelings, my hurts, my rights, my opinion...my everything...for love and relationships. Many people out there don't know God and can't experience His love because they turned away from Him. I am among Christ's representatives walking on Earth to deliver that gift of love to those people. If I allow the world to influence me, I won't be of any use as Jesus' agent. There is no purpose for my existence anymore.

I am not OF the world; although, I am IN the world. I am the change the world needs. If it is to suffer for the sake of relationship and the salvation of people God is running after, then suffer it is. Relationship isn't about getting or having what I want. Relationship is about loving others because God loves them the same way as He loves every single soul in this world. Truly, those who don't love don't know God because they never experienced His love. They have not experienced HIM Who is Love.

Loving my neighbor as myself is treating them the same way I treat myself: I am very forgiving of myself. I excuse myself whenever I fail. I overlook my weaknesses. When I am hungry, I feed myself. When I hurt someone, I try hard not to keep blaming myself for my selfishness. I don't highlight my flaws. In fact, I magnify my virtues. ...just to give some examples. I strongly believe that if I am to love my neighbor as myself, I need to extend the same patience, love, understanding, forgiveness, etc. to them because that's the way I love myself. I can't love myself enough to be able to extend love to others. I NEED God to supply me that love so that I can extend love. It's only God Who can abundantly give everything that I need so I can be generous to others. It's not when I put myself first before others that will enable me to give. In fact, I'll sure be more wanting and greedy if that's how I do things. My wants will never end as I keep having. That's one of the lies the world feeds people even Christians. The Word encourages Christ's ambassadors to "never give up in doing good" because it gets tiring at some point. It gets really painful most of the time that giving up seems to be the best solution. However, it's not what God intends to happen. HE wants us to "finish the race" successfully.

I won't do anything for the sake of duty alone. I am not gonna keep treating people good because I know that's what I am called for. Maybe, it's a good start when love is not felt. But, it shouldn't be the reason for doing things. God isn't being gracious out of duty but out of love.

No arguments...it's hard to love people. It's exhausting. But, because God chooses to love me every time I fail...every time I sin...every time I act selfishly, I choose to live and walk in love, as well. I love because God first loved me.  

“Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that’s charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

“I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.”  [Luke 6:31-38 MSG] 

Our job is to love people even when it hurts.

As I struggled to get myself to sleep just before lunchtime some time last month, a question dawned on me. Why would a loving God require His people to deny themselves --their rights, their feelings, their etc-- sacrifice and take all the pain? Isn't that deprivation? From the Prayer Meeting the night before that day, I even heard from a Pastor that God is our Heavenly Father. Would a father want his child to be in pain and take all the agony of self-denial? As far as I'm concerned, fathers even tell their kids to fight back when being bullied. So, why is God instructing His children to give the other cheek, forget about themselves and promote peace?

...and before I even start asking Him this question, He already answered me. The reason is because He wants His children to be just like Him. Just like His Son Jesus Christ. I realized how much people hurt Him every single second of each day by doing things that are against Him or hurtful to Him. But, He looks past almost everything. He tolerates and extends more and more patience because He loves His people. Just like what says in the Scriptures, "Love covers all offenses". God chooses to ignore every mistake, every wrongdoing, every sin...just to keep His relationship with His people. And He wants all His children to do the same because relationship for Him is more important than opinion, feelings...who's right or who's wrong...  

The Word tells us, "You are God’s dear children, so try to be like Him." (Ephesians 5:1, ERV)  In the Scriptures God says, "Be holy, because I am holy." (1 Peter 1:16, ERV)

It's unquestionably hard to extend forgiveness. There are even times when all we ever do is to wait for the person who wronged us to come to us and apologize for a wrong done before we can convince ourselves they ought to be forgiven. Then, there are even times, no matter how sorry the person already is, we still find it hard to pardon the offense. More often, even the doer of the misdeed. Forgiveness becomes more of a chore when we allow ourselves to justify the way we feel -- the hurt. We feel and it's excuse enough to continue dwelling in that episode when we're mistreated. And, there really is a ground for anger if you come to think of it. But, we can always choose to respond in a good way when angry. We don't always have to aggravate the situation. We don't always have to get even. We shouldn't always think of avenging ourselves.    

The apostle Paul asked this question "...Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?" (1 Corinthians 6:7, NET)

Made me think. Easier said than done. Someone gossiped about you... stole something from you... lied to you ...physically assaulted you... and all you want is justice. Don't we all deserve justice? I believe we do. But, don't we also offend, provoke, agitate, annoy the people around us intentionally or unintentionally every so often? We can even madden anyone just by being us. When we insist on what we want, we already violate another being. Most of the time, it's the person closest to us who we antagonize more often. When there's relationship, misunderstanding is almost always not absent. And thing is it's not always intentional. It's just because relationship is hard. There are times we don't understand our own selves. How much more the other person we're relating with?

One of the disciplines I'd like to apply in my life is to understand that I am dealing with another person -- different persons...on a daily basis. A person with his/her own mind, decisions, feelings. I cannot impose on him/her what I want to happen. And it's not right for me to expect him/her to act or react, think, behave the same way I would at a given situation. I have to allow the person be who s/he is. That's his/her canvass. I have my own. And to deny him/her that privilege of living the way s/he wants is denying him/her individuality. God, Who is the Creator of everything here on Earth, does not even deny me my right to be me. When He gave me free will, He allowed me full access to it without questioning why my decisions are faulty. He just let's me be. He would nudge me from time to time and remind me whenever I misbehave but He doesn't insist on what He rather wants me to do. He is an All-Knowing God but He doesn't boss me around. So, who gives me (or anyone of us...mere humans) the right to act gods? To lord over anyone only because we think of ourselves better than others.

No, God isn't being hard on me when He tells me to deny myself. He only wants me to be more loving, to be more patient, to be more tolerant of the weaknesses of another being...because He treats me that way. And, if I am treated with kindness and gentleness ...which, in fact, I don't deserve...then, it's just but right that I extend that same grace. Otherwise, it's much better for me not to receive such treatment at all.

As I start and develop more relationships with people around me, I find it hard to follow Christ's command to "love my neighbors as myself". Esp, when I know that I am very critical of myself. I punish myself whenever I fail. And, when I know that I don't deliberately wrong anyone. When I am being careful not to hurt anyone's feelings. Somehow, I expect others to do the same. To do their own roles as Christians. But, then, as I am reminded that "none is righteous...not even one" I am helped. God's Truth always helps. We all have struggles. And, I believe that everyone is doing their best to be better individuals. It's just really hard when you're trying to change what is innate in you. It's like trying to be a flower when you're a bee.

God doesn't focus on my failures, weaknesses, trespasses... He even forgives readily when He sees my sorry heart even before I actually ask for forgiveness. And I feel His grace every time. So, even when it's hard, I strive to remain true to the Second Greatest Commandment because I know that Christ did His part so I can be part of His family. And if I belong to God's Kingdom, it must follow that I have the same fruit. Otherwise, I only prove that I don't really belong.

By saying, "why not rather be wronged" doesn't mean you're just gonna allow people to step on you. I don't think that is God's idea of how His children should be. It only means that Christians should respond in such a way that God is still gonna be glorified. 

Authentic Christianity is when 

a Christian values faith more than comfort.

Something to ponder about...   

True love requires sacrifice. 
God doesn’t call us to be comfortable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“As Christians you should be like bridges to Heaven; letting people walk on you to get there.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I'm not drunk ...I'm just intoxicated by you.

First time after decades am listening again to local radio station online and picked 90.7 Love Radio. Can't stop myself from laughing while listening to this DJ called "Papa Jack". Not really him but his caller, Evelyn. She's asking for advice about her hubby who has been away for yearsss to work abroad (Middle East) and never returned despite her incessant request for him to come back even for a short visit. I laughed my heart out when Papa Jack asked her when was the last time she talked with her husband. Her answer was, "next month" in her native accent. LOL

She also shared she once checked his husband's FaceBook account and found out he's been posting messages on a girl's page. When she confronted him, he got really angry at her.. He then, changed his password, according to Evelyn. She no longer can access his page and so is hers as they share the same "password". Just for emphasis sake, they share the same password not account and because he changed his, she can't anymore access hers! Hahaha

Laugh trip while at work helps my groggy state more than a cup of hot, rich and strong coffee.

Just sharing. hihihi  Am back, cyber friends!

...but, ta-ta for now. Gotta focus.

Refinement Creates Beauty

Three days from now, it's already another year. Imagine that. Time passes by so fast. Twas like only yesterday when 2012 came. Now it's 2013 soon. Actually, I didn't really feel the festivities and all even though I had attended a few celebrations... I wasn't really able to feel the spirit. But, I know it's also a decision to choose to be thankful and, in my heart, I really am. Just, I can't deny how things are really shaking me right now. Sometimes, I just wanna wake up in a different world. I wanna wake up a different person.

Well, it's been a roller coaster ride this year, I must say. There had been answered prayers and still more unanswered. But, hey! Isn't it what gives excitement to life? Yeah, I can't deny I have many regrets, which I hope will be replaced by thanksgiving, in stead. I want my attitude to be right. God is building me up and I must not anymore resist. Seriously, it's tough, but nothing isn't. I talk about perspective and I simply wanna have a better one. God help me.

After nagging to God, He finally gave me what I was asking for early this year. He gave it just when things aren't really going so well anymore, ironically. Something that doesn't make sense to me. Or, could be I still am doing something not right. But, am really sure, it's really His answer to my years of nagging. Why in the most inconvenient time, I dunno. Still am thankful. And, He's really been generously gracious to me. So gracious I can't thank Him enough. But, more than anything, I am thankful for the wisdom that He's imparting to me with every situation that comes my way. That, in everything, He works for my good. Nothing but my good.

There's really not a lot that I can list down He granted me this year but I guess it's because I am focusing on what I was expecting to receive. So, I acknowledge even those that came unexpectedly ― small and big things alike. Just, I find it really tough to be pruned and molded at the same time. He's teaching me so much. Or, maybe, He's got no choice but to keep shooting lessons at me because I was too insistent to make things happen as I wish.  And, I know that He's been talking to me and He's really given me wisdom, knowledge and everything to equip me. Maybe, most of the time, I stay deaf or I act deaf. Am not sure. Or, could be, I am often shrugging off His instructions and reminders because I want to please myself. I can so relate to the Israelites! LOL

One of the things I have been taught was to trust Him not men. I guess for quite some time I simply relied on people. I am praying and praying and yet the voices of the people around me echo more to my ears and they're who I follow. Am in this tug-o-war of trusting either God or man. One of my biggest challenges, I must say. Not that I consider people better than God. Of course, I am not that nuts to think so. Maybe it's also pride that I am sure my judgment is good because God gave me a gift of sound judgment so I am confident that who I choose to trust is truly reliable. Still, it isn't right.  Through the years, God has been jealous because I seem to give more weight to what others feel and think more than what He feels and thinks. And, I know how I am hurting Him. At least now it's very clear to me. Thanks to His wisdom. And thanks that He opened my eyes to this fact about me which is something I wasn't really taking with a straight face. And, yeah, although I already know doesn't mean it's gonna be plain sailing to change. Still His grace is what I need.

Another thing is to be ALWAYS thankful. Whatever circumstance. That I shouldn't allow my situation control and influence my joy. This is something really tough. At times, I'd even end up wishing I was still the old me when I was just taking everything as they come. Growing up in a family where dad's strict, I learned obedience without complain. Twas natural for me to just follow and accept whatever comes. I wasn't always happy, of course. But, at least, I wasn't grumbling. There was the childlike faith that they only wanted the best for me. That's when I was still dependent on everything they have to say. I wish I never learned independence. However, staying the same won't allow me any progress. This was the answer I got from God when I asked Him, why He even had to allow me independence. Twas way better when I was not self-governing. Often, I'd wish I were still a child ― no need to make decisions, no responsibilities, no worries. I find it more convenient. Then, it dawned on me, I was looking at my Egypt. God is leading me to my Promised Land and I am staring back at my Egypt where I feel my comfort is in. God is equipping me more and more that's why I gotta embrace change. And it includes me having to make my own decisions, face the consequences of what decisions I make ― right or wrong ― without pointing fingers at and owning up all the bad ones. I can't emphasize enough, though, how terrible these are all happening at the same time in this season of my life. All I can help myself with is to consistently remind myself that a puzzle won't be complete without the smaller pieces. Each piece don't make sense...don't look pretty...on their own but creates a wonderful portrait with the rest of the other pieces. Like an ingredient, such as cumin, paprika, turmeric... don't taste nice unless mixed with the rest of the other ingredients to make a recipe. So is everything that happens to me may not make sense at the moment especially when heartache is involved, but I am sure they're all adornments to beautify my character in God's time. God's wisdom is truly awesome and I am so thankful He is lavishing me with much of it although I, most of the time, end up misusing or ignoring it. How wonderful is that?!

When I was a child, I wasn't complaining a lot. In fact, I can't remember myself whining about anything. I didn't like summer heat (even til now) but I never said a word about how I don't like it. I wasn't expressive with words. I think I didn't have a mind of my own, in fact. I was just going with the flow. Thinking about it, I also wish I were still like that child now. It's a happy life to just take things as they come. No questioning why, what, how, when, where...I don't know if it's just me but I miss that point of my life when I wasn't grumbling about anything no matter how difficult things went. If I had to walk long, I'd walk long without getting irritated. I never criticized anyone. And whenever I heard others giving their thoughts about another, I was surprised how their thoughts were that advanced when it never crossed my mind what they observed or judged. I was naive. I didn't totally like it at that time, of course. I felt so dumb. Somehow, I taught myself to be more observant and vocal only because I didn't wanna be thought of as slow-witted. Couldn't be so wrong but the motive was wrong. I mean, it helped me become better. It helped me to strive to always give excellence in almost everything. Just I did it for the wrong reason. Lately, I've been thinking and wishing I still have even a little of that child in me, at least. A lotta things happened in my life and they made me who I am now. As I go through life there are more roads to trek and situations to pull of, so, naturally, God equips me with more tools. Only I need to learn how to operate them properly. Guess, God had to really expose what's in my heart to teach me better lessons that I would never learn any other way. I don't need to miss being that child and resent who I am now. I only need to make use of God's tools like self control. I may have learned the habit of complaining but He has given me the tool to fight it. In fact, He has given me the best tool of all ― LOVE. If I live and walk in love every second of my life, I am already fine. ^_^

Two last things I wanna share I learned the hardest this year are: to not be critical; and, to let go of control. If as a child I was just receiving everything as they're given to me, as an adult I became self-seeking. I am almost always after my self-interest. When things don't go my way, I become cranky. My words become blade that pierce people to the core. Should've been like this, should've been like that are just some of the famous lines that usually come out of my mouth. I became the person like those people I heard criticizing others during my childhood. I was reminded that I promised myself I will never be like them. But, I guess, I allowed myself to be corrupted by the world. 

Maybe I don't need to keep wishing to be that child again. I can't go back to being a child again. I can't keep looking at the rear view mirror and regret, resent and have all the negative feelings about how I turned out to be. In fact, I should be thankful because God saved me from being the monster I could've been had He not led me through the Holy Spirit. There's so much to thank God for than focusing on the downsides. Change is necessary and inevitable. All the things I had to go through, all that I have become through the years are part of everything. Part of my metamorphosis. And as I stumble, as I break, as I fall...I learn. I am humbled. And I acknowledge more that I am NOTHING apart from God. But, I am SOMEONE under His grace. To Him be the glory! Hopeful that the coming year will make me all peaches! ^_^

Just reflecting...

I suppose it’s about trust between people in the end.

We all should make efforts to not make the Christmas spirit fade anytime in a year. It should always remain and be felt even it's not December. I was reading diverse Christmas and holiday greetings over the Net and one of the messages that caught my attention is this: "this is the season of forgiving NOT JUST thanking". Well, I believe that we really NEED to forgive in order to express thanksgiving. We can never fully express how thankful we are for all the blessings we received if we don't do this act. The real essence of Christmas is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It's all the reason why we are having the feasts, the gatherings, the exchanging of gifts...because God, through HIS Son, made that decision to forgive us our transgressions in order to have a relationship with us. As the Word says, "God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son."

There are times I'd think about why is relationship WITH ME so important to God that He had to send Jesus here on Earth to serve, to suffer and to die an agonizing death ONLY to rescue me from my ungodliness and share an everlasting relationship with me. One Man had to suffer just because God wants me to have a relationship with Him. Doesn't make so much sense. Who am I? I've got nothing to offer Him anymore than He can offer me and the entire world. But HE wants me. He keeps chasing after me no matter how I try to run away. And, I believe this is the same with all human race. God intends for everyone to belong to Him.

Acknowledging this fact, there is truly a great reason for us to paint the town red. In fact, our merry making isn't enough because what God has done is something exceedingly praiseworthy. Nothing that our festivity can ever measure up to. Be that as may be, if we are to decisively offer thanksgiving, one of the best ways to do so is to FORGIVE. If we are truly thankful that Jesus saved us from our sins and we understand that He died so that we can be forgiven, then, whether we feel like it or not we must choose to forgive from the heart. Not because the person who wronged us deserves it, but because we are thankful that God forgave us even if we don't deserve to be forgiven.

So many people find it hard to forgive not because they can't. It's, actually, because of the what's-in-it for me mentality. Because we experienced betrayal and pain, we started living in fear that it might be done again to us. So now, we're being too careful. Many, often, reason they're just being "wise". Looking at it, it's more of a trust issue. It's looking after self to never be hurt again. If God thought this same way, I wonder if even a single person will deserve anything. I wonder if anyone will receive a second chance. Knowing that God knows what's in our thoughts and minds... He knows what we're gonna do the next second ... we are totally screwed! We can never pass godliness test. But, it's not the act that He is looking at. He offers trust without questions. Without telling us, "well, this is what you're gonna do after three minutes." No. He loves and accepts us wholly. Filthy as we are. He never said, "go and clean yourself up before I can receive you." In stead, He says, "I receive you so come and let's clean you up." How awesome is that?!

The world says, Trust should be EARNED. Not with God. None of us is trustworthy. All fall short, the Scripture says. But, God doesn't look at that. He looks at how HE can fix us. It's not about what we can do for ourselves to become better people. It's about what HE wants to do in order for us to fulfill the purpose He created us for. Taken that none is trustworthy, we are not to expect anyone to be trustworthy before we can trust them. If we choose to forgive, we also hafta choose to trust that any person can and will change. Maybe not immediately. Not after a day...not after a week...not after a month...It could take longer, in fact. But, the thing about trust is, it's same as faith. There's an absence of the thing hoped for. You can't see it right away. It's not yet visible. But, it eventually will be. Trust is believing in something or someone without logical reason. Otherwise, it's not trust. Yeah, it sounds risky. But, that's the essence of it. I don't understand certain things but I don't have to KNOW before I can CHOOSE to trust. It's a decision. It's voluntary.

Thing is, just like love, trust should be GIVEN. And, problem these days is that it's hard for people to give without assurance it'll be reciprocated. However, if we keep doubting...if we keep being suspicious about another person, we'll never be able to really trust. Because we're always thinking about protecting ourselves from pain. It's hard to give when we always come first before others. Fear hinders us from doing what we ought to do. We've been hurt before and we become prisoners of the bad experience so this time around we are guarded. Some are too guarded they can't release love because it translates to susceptibility to emotional suffering. One act from a person in the present that's similar to an act done by the person in the past triggers alarm. Until distrust rules the relationship. Cynicism becomes the main focus. It, then, manifests with the way we respond to people. Relationship suffers.

I am not saying that everyone should be trusted. Like, I can't welcome a criminal inside my house. I can't entrust my niece (I don't have one, though) to an ex-convicted rapist. That's extreme. All that God expects from us is to trust that HE is doing something in the heart of the person(s) we are dealing with on a daily basis. Someone might have wronged us but it doesn't mean they're always gonna do the same. Or, if they keep doing the same thing to us over and over as if they have no intention of changing, God still expects and requires us to trust that one day the person will change. Well, we all have things we want to change in us, don't we? And, most of the time, we keep failing and we find it hard to just change. But, we trust not ourselves to change what we want to change inside of us. We trust God that HE will change us. Similarly, if we are to trust anyone, we should first entrust them to God WHO can change the heart. The One Who can truly create change within. So, in stead of nagging and complaining about how a person never improves, it's much better to say a prayer and let God do the work in their lives.

"Love is patient and kind" means when we love someone, we should be patient in waiting til they become a renewed person; and, we must remain kind even we are hurting. Love always looks at the good of others. If it means enduring pain for now just so the other person is allowed his own pace to progress, so be it. That's love. That's trust. And I found out that the best gift we can offer each other is trust. Especially in love relationship. Well, it applies to friendship, too, because we always injure each other intentionally or unintentionally. But, those who are in a relationship ...those who are married ... trust is absolutely vital. I know of a couple who survived an ugly past only because the wife chose to trust that her husband is not gonna do again what he did in the not-so-distant past which hurt her. There's no guarantee but his word. Nevertheless, she chose to trust. What's more amazing is, she never kept record of the wrong. Never echoed the offense whenever they fought. She never spied on him. Never questioned him. Never doubted him. And that helped the relationship. Her decision made the husband really thankful and because of that he obliged himself not to cause her anymore heartache. How beautiful when we simply allow love to influence our actions. If we just simply stop over-thinking. If we quit fencing our grounds. Then, trust comes next. Trust comes easy.

If someone is really important to us...if a person means something to us... we want to keep the relationship with that person even when it hurts. I guess that's part of loving. Not being martyr. Part of loving is sacrificing a part of ourselves just so we can welcome a person into our lives. Just like what God did. HE sacrificed Jesus because we are important to Him. ...and just like what Jesus did. He denied Himself. Denied His rights...just so our relationship with our Heavenly Father will be restored. And, if we are sincerely thankful for this, we ought to FORGIVE voluntarily over and over...TRUST completely and LOVE graciously.  

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”  ― Jennifer O'Neill

 

Let our scars fall in love.

So, am learning... and I believe every person learns one day at a time with every experience. Been stuck in the topic EXPECTATIONS for quite a while now. Taught me more about human nature and my own as I ponder about it more and more. And, one of the things I learned is that the only thing that really needs to be understood and applied by all is to NEVER EXPECT. It is what causes huge disappointment which later on results to great pain.

I came across this quote...

“It seems love is the root of all pain and most of its fruit only leaves a bitter taste behind.”
― L.F. Falconer

Too many people end up looking for things to point fingers at whenever pain is felt. Most of the time, it is LOVE that is blamed to be the culprit. Well, I do look for why I feel pain. I guess it's all part of it, right? When you feel pain in any part of your body, you try to figure out what's causing it and where it's coming from. I, recently, got a papercut on my index finger. At first, I couldn't understand what's causing my not-so-good-mood. Until, I figured it's coming from that papercut. Yet, knowing that I got a wound didn't help my condition. It only validated my urge to idle around. (Have very low tolerance to pain, FYI. And a small cut would take me to bed the entire day!)

...and I know that people, too, have reasons for doing what they're doing and most of it is related to emotions. When they feel pain, they become defensive...they react...they find reasons to justify whatever that results from pain. Most of the time, because they're hurt, they also get to hurt others. 

They say, love hurts and it's the cause of pain. I dunno what to say about that, actually. What I know is, when you love pain is inevitable. NOT because they're twins. It's because when people love, attached with it is expectation. When they give, it's but automatic they expect they're also gonna get something in return. So, when love isn't returned exactly how they thought they deserve or they thought will be given back, it disappoints them. Eventually, it causes pain. Like we all know what we are capable of giving. A part of us also hopes that that same amount of love will be lavished to us by the very persons we give love to. Not realizing that what we know of love may not be the same as what others know of love. It's been said many times that people come from different backgrounds, culture...what-have-you... and yet, we still don't get that even in the topic of love, people differ. So, we are not supposed to impose the kind of love we have in mind to anyone. 

Thing about love is we should focus giving not receiving. If we receive, just receive without any kind of expectation. We must only receive with a thankful, appreciative heart. Period. Because if we expect it to be more than what is being handed to us, we are more likely to just get disappointed. Worse, we might just complain. We're disappointed and we make the giver disappointed, as well, because we're not happy with what we receive. And, it's frustrating not only for us who aren't content but also to the person who prolly have given their best.

For me, comparing the degree, measure, height, width, depth... whatever you might wanna call it...of love we can offer and, actually, give is but being self-righteous or proud. When we start saying, "I did this for him/her" we practically upbraid another for how lowly, poorly, scantily we think they have given to us. Doesn't show any appreciation at all. And, why should we appreciate, in the first place, when we have given much and this is all we get, right?!!! But, that's exactly why EXPECTATION should never be in the picture. Because every thing that we do is a choice. We choose to give much, and that's our choice NOT theirs. They'll prolly humbly tell us we need not do certain things for them, y'know. But, we make that choice. And if we choose to give more with the expectation that it will be returned to us double or more, then, that ISN'T GIVING. It's INVESTING. You don't invest love. You simply just give it and wait if it flourishes. That's why LOVE IS A VERB not a noun. Now, if it doesn't grow the way it should with the amount of love you've given, then that's where LETTING GO comes in. And, it's NOT letting go of persons. It's letting go of all else that you have already given and not continue clinging to how much was invested or wasted. Problem with people is their "what's in it for me" mindset -- the I-won't-give-unless-am-sure-it's-gonna-be-returned thinking. We're such good business people. No wonder too many marriages fail. Too many relationships end. We are but self-seekers. We can't give and let go. We expect and we take long records of how much we've already invested and how little we've received. Whatta sad reality, don't you think?

I know a lotta people will tell me AGAIN that it's a fact of life. It's reality and over emphasizing it...blogging about it... is just a waste of time. It's useless. Maybe. Because talking about this now isn't going to change me instantly. Knowing all these things that I am saying have not fully made me to become the person God wants me to be. But, it doesn't mean that it can never happen. That's why I am continuing the pursuit to learning how to apply knowledge. Besides, isn't it everyone's habit to just keep pouring out their opinions about just ANYTHING?! I mean, come on now, all over the social network sites people just blurt out trash talks, express their emotions nonchalantly, share their sentiments about their problems within the walls of their homes as if it's for the world to know...talk about their opinion about Manny P's defeat or whoever famous someone out there... I mean, I guess we all gotta start talking about things that truly matter. Things that will eventually improve the world... relationships...for real IF we only start opening our eyes to what really needs to be done.  IF we only start changing the way we understand and view LOVE. 

Love, trust...they're things which when you give away should be let go. Don't attach strings to it that we make people indebted to us. Because relationship isn't lending to people. It's GIVING to people. You hurl a penny to a lil boy in the street and you just forget about it the next second. You don't take a picture of that lil boy, get his name, his home location...so in the future when he becomes big, he can return back to you what you gave him. NO. It doesn't work that way when it comes to love. You can't be sorry you gave love. You SHOULD only be happy and content you did.

It was said, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." Lemme restate that...people can, actually, give everything they have and still have no love. Imagine, we can do things but not necessarily out of love. Whatever other reason there might be for doing so, I guess more of it is for self-interest. To feel good. To look good. To impress people. I dunno. But, it's true. And, am saying this because I used to think that I am such a loving person. I can do and had done many things for people who are important to me. I have a big heart for the poor and I did feeding programs and all. Well, I didn't do those things to impress anyone, that am sure of. It's a heartfelt giving. It's my thanksgiving to the ONE Who showered me with abundance of blessings and graces. But, my heart was proud, I must admit. Why? Because I didn't let go. I recounted almost EVERYTHING I have done for someone...for people. By doing so, I only aggravated the pain that's already torturing me inside. I kept thinking and thinking about how good I have been and yet I was done wrong. The expectation was clearly there. And, obviously, I didn't let go. There were strings attached so I kinda felt those people owe me kindness or whatever I deserve. 

LET GO. Don't attach strings. Love, help, trust, forgive...then let it go. Don't remember. Don't list'em down. Give as in give away. Don't expect anything in return. Then, life is gonna be much easier, happier, freer. 

I so love the concept they introduced and highlighted in the movie, "Pay it Forward" -- returning the favor not to the person who gave you favor but to other people...not necessarily those you know... until you build networks of people extending goodness and multiplying it. The concept is, in fact, Biblical. We are being blessed to become blessings. We do not bless because we wanna be blessed back. The aim is to GIVE and DO until it becomes a cycle. A practice.

Contemplating about these things made me trace what still aches me. Why I haven't completely healed yet. It's because I haven't let go and expectation still remains. 

There's this friend whom I loved dearly. I gave all that I thought would help her, would build her up, would help her spread her wings. I didn't deny anything from her. Supported her in every area of her life. I trusted her. So, I thought she's taking everything to heart as appreciation. Little did I know she's scheming. She's saying nasty things about me to other people. She's even making me look like a monster to them like am doing her wrong. She made them believe that I was treating her badly and who knows what else she said?! Worse, she was telling everyone I was jealous of her. Nasty! Well, she disclosed to me that she learned from someone about something about me which offended her. Ok, whatever! But, thing is, we're almost always together and she never opened up to me about it. She trusted that person more than me. Like why? We could have prolly talked about it like heart-to-heart. Why did she have to turn to other people, say the worst things about me, gossip about me, make people hate me in stead of resolving the problem?  It seriously damaged me. Questions overflowed in my head. I had never been that attached to anyone. I had never made a decision in my life to be as open as that to a girl friend. With her, I became totally transparent, open and attached. So, twas a terrible experience. A horrible one. I dunno if I am still capable of trusting.

But, that's my point. I have to let go. I already have given what I had given and I should just leave them behind now without remembering the glory that is due me and stop asking for credits. I offered friendship and sincere love. It ends there. I need not attach a string to it and cause her to be accountable for all that. It's my decision. She also made a decision to repay kindness with evil. That's her freedom. I can't tie her by the neck only because there's some emotions, finances involved with the help I gave. I need to let go and freed myself from the baggage that weighs me down because unless that pride in her heart melts, she will never acknowledge she was done good. That's her problem not mine. My issue is, I gotta help myself heal. People are free to do what they want or feel like. I gotta respect that even if it's gonna hurt me. I can only pray and hope that one day they'll realize things but to be burdened by the strings will only slow down my recovery. 

Been wondering why I haven't moved on. Have I not yet forgiven? I have. But, I gotta let go of the investments lost and just receive what was returned to me in stead of regretting that I made a bad choice. It's never a bad choice to love. It's the most beautiful thing whether the person deserves it or not. Because it's not about the recipient, nor it's about the giver but the sincerity with the giving. 

To not be hurt...I found out it's more effective to:

Don't expect from people. 

Let go and don't attach strings.         

In stead of, restricting yourself from loving; being too choosy or careful who deserves what; blaming people and things; choosing not to love and trust; avoiding people...better remove the real and damaging weeds: EXPECTATIONS and ATTACHMENTS. 

Another long one...gotta end this for now. And again next time SOON...

  

“Sometimes we fall in love and end up losing ourselves. We allow ourselves to become different people. But we have choices... We can choose to find the person we used to be, the person we really are. Or we can continue on as this new being." ― Amid the Roar 

Live in love, y'all! 

Just scribbling words on scraps of litter...

If every person gets to ask first what will it cost them to give love, would there be a single individual who would voluntarily offer to?

Musing about the word "expectation", I came to ask this question. Now, I can only vividly recall how my train of thoughts about the matter came into being. Oh, because I hear too many people say, "had I known..." ..."I had given my all" ...  And, no, I am not exempt from this. I had prolly uttered the same or could be that  it had conceived in my mind for quite a while and is about to birth anytime soon.

I was hanging my clothes a few hours ago when I suddenly uttered, "I am tired". It's, actually, addressed to God as a prayer. Silly it is. Who am I to complain? Thinking deeper, I thought about what pain could God be feeling, Himself, because of me ...that I can just whine and quit trying to be patient with and kind to others? How can I not be gracious when HE is with and to me?

Lemme talk about the "had I known" and "I had given my all" first.

So, had anyone known that it cost too much to love, would they still do? Why would anyone waste their energy, time, tears and everything for nothing? Made me realize the natural inclination of humans to expect. It's innate. It isn't something one learns over time through painful experiences. It's just a matter of time before it shows up evident. But, it's there within and is usually triggered by emotions.

I used to believe (and was fully convinced) that am one of the few who can give without expectations...without any return of investments... until I started regretting having done so much for certain people who, in the end, only bruised me. At first, I was so convinced that it's a valid gesture/response to recount every good deed I had done for another. My reason (rather excuse/alibi) was I wasn't expecting  they'd return the favor with interest. For me, just don't do me wrong is enough. I strongly held on to the idea that it's easy and normal to pay kindness with kindness. Unfortunately, though, turns out it's more natural to pay evil with evil ...even kindness with evil. That's prolly why someone came up with this line: "don't bite the hand that feeds you" ...I realized. Because one can offer kindness but it is the opposite that is usually returned.

I've always believed that if you sow kindness, it is kindness that you will reap...and even better. I thought if you treat people kindly, they'll follow suit. I was wrong. They will appreciate it but there's not a guarantee they'll treat you the same way. And if you are the kind of person who is gentle and meek, you gotta guard yourself never to lose your gentleness and meekness no matter how people treat you. Imagine, double the work! Yeah, you're kind, yet you gotta exceed that. But, I guess, nature is nature. You don't really have to work hard at it. Like a deer...like a dove...like a sheep... a kind and meek person remains meek regardless of any threat.

Could be another "alibi" I might grab is true again...that it's instinctive to fight for your right... or for your very own safety ...or even for your life... that drives you to war against the object that causes harm. Like being around a flock of ravenous beasts will extract the strength and courage out from inside of you you never thought you have all along. Then, you survive once...twice...thrice...or more until it's turned you into a beast just like the ones you're battling with. Only your reason appears to be more valid and lesser evil. But, truth is, regardless of the motivation, the deed, the action, the reaction...it is just the SAME. It isn't good. No wonder the Bible says, "do not repay evil with evil but repay evil with good." Because you'll only know you're set apart when the rest of the wold's the same and you remain different. What the Word refers to as "in the world but not of the world".

Tough, radical, and IMPOSSIBLE but I guess nature IS nature. You'll simply remain what you truly are. A dog doesn't cease to be a dog when it ceases to bark. It's still a dog and it only takes a situation to make it bark again. Sometimes, people show another side of them when threatened, perhaps.

Well... humans have emotions. They're creatures of emotions. I am human. Am not sure what my real nature is right now but I'd say there are stimuli that makes me react another way and boy I sure don't like the way I am when I am like that! Something inside of me revolts, in fact. Maybe, when you aren't comfortable how you are, it isn't your nature. Something is alerting you that you are already being another person. I never felt satisfied paying back people wrong. Though, yeah, it comes to a point every so often that I regret doing good to bad people. My mind argues that there are people who simply don't deserve good but bad because they are bad. But, another part of my mind refutes and insist that I don't even deserve so many things. I better be conscientious enough to refuse when being given things I know I don't deserve, then, right?

Figured out why there are so may people who don't know how to receive love. It's not that they don't know how. It's, actually, because at the back of their minds operate powerfully the idea of "deserve". You-gotta-earn-it-first-before-you-can-enjoy-it.

"I gave my all"... "I did this and that for you"... says the group from one side and the other group hollers, "nobody told you to!" Twas just a scene from outside of me until I started belonging to the first groupie. A time came when I wasn't anymore a spectator but a participant. And how painful it is to accept a rebut like that -- "I didn't ask for it. Don't blame me. I owe you none!" Seriously.

I thought about it and they've got a point. True. It's a voluntary act. Nobody held a gun to my head for me to do anything for them so, why even use a line like that as if to blackmail? hmmm...  and I tried to draw my motive behind having said or even thought of that. Well, figured, twas out of pain. Nothing more. Like a reaction to an open wound. OUCH! I'd say anything mindlessly as a reaction to what strong emotion/feeling I feel. But, could I have done the same good things to that same persons had I know I'd only be betrayed? Not quite certain with my answer, actually. I don't wanna be self-righteous nor overly critical of myself. Well, there are instances when I act and react like a pundit -- I have learned enough. I know better now -- and there are moments when I find myself being the same old me as if I never learned a lesson and still expose myself to danger. How do you call that? hmmm...

I conclude that being tired is a fact of life. It's part of every person because we all have our own thresholds. And, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong verbalizing it.  (Thank God He looks at the heart and not the actions alone!) What makes a whole lotta difference is how one reacts to being tired. It's like I am tired now. I experience how it's like so I don't  want to have anything to do with things that will cause me more of that. Nuh-ah! Hands off! But, I think that reaction is completely wrong. NEVER allow being tired to get the best of you. That's why God has offered us to "enter His rest". Being tired is just but for a moment, which can be remedied...otherwise, just be dead. That's the only time we have no other option. I'd say, rest in God's peace and be restored. We're not without help and hope.

Typing all these using my very high-end phone along the fire escape stairs is one heck of an experience!

Time check, it's 6:34 am. Going back to my crib now. Zzzzz   

-- A delayed post from 11.29.2012

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I wonder why when people face pain in relationships the first and automatic response is usually to sever bonds in stead of maintaining commitment... *frowns*

“People are not the Source of Love. They are the object that we give love to.”

“I feel too much. That's what's going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways? My insides don't match up with my outsides. Do anyone's insides and outsides match up? I don't know. I'm only me. Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside. But it's worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” 

―  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I used to think that everything in the world fell into categories: Black or white; right or left; up or down; front or back. Just either of any two. Eventually, as I gained experience in living I came to understand that some things fall into wrong and some things fall into right, yes. Others are placed under black category and some others under white category. YET, so many things in this world aren't really EITHER. Most things aren't black, aren't white, aren't wrong, aren't right...but are simply DIFFERENT. And, there is NOTHING wrong with DIFFERENT. In fact, we just gotta let things be different. We ought to allow people to be different. We need not try or force to make them black or white. We just have to let them be whatever color they really are. And if you truly LOVE someone, you don't try to make them who you wish or want them to be. Defining them is like a whirlpool that sucks them in and drowns them. I realized that we gotta stop telling people who to be and how to live by placing expectations on them and then base our own happiness on whether or not they follow through. And then, feel bad if they don't. We have our own portraits. Each one of us chooses our own canvas. Let's allow each other to choose which canvas we want. RESPECT is the word. Because we, each one of us, are created uniquely for a purpose.

It's funny how people try to convince themselves that they love unconditionally. Yeah, there could be some "unconditional" there but it's really never FREE. They don't really give the ones they love freedom. At the back of their minds, they always want something in return. Or, they always DESERVE something in return because they did this and that. The best example is, they want you to be happy, which makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy if you're not. You're supposed to be who they think you ought to be and feel how you ought to feel ONLY because they LOVE YOU and when you can't give them that, they start feeling bad. So, you also feel bad. That's such an unnecessary responsibility and baggage! If only we can just let people be them, we don't have to live with so much disappointments.

Funnier thing is, often, we get to have ideas in mind about another person (it's always another person NOT US) but never thought the same about ourselves. Like thinking that there are people seeing only either black or white. We tell ourselves that certain people just see things black or white and not realizing that there's also grey. Yet, the way we impose on them what we think IS or IS NOT...isn't that trying to drag them into which color you're in, which is either black or white?! Clinging to a mindset or a belief -- "this is how things should be"--  isn't it either any of the categories I mentioned earlier? I mean, there's like billions of people in the world with different personalities and perspective. We can't be enforcing to them what our perspective is about love, friendship, or whatever only because we want them to see from our viewpoint. We gotta allow them to think for themselves and if one day, they start seeing from our viewpoint, then, much better. If it never happens, then, RESPECT should be given them still. And so, it's just but fair to not make them feel bad about sticking to a point of view they've always had... or a personality which has always been them. As one of my fave authors puts it...

“It is when we think we can act like God, that all respect is lost, and I think this is the downfall of peace. We lie if we say we do not see color and culture and difference. We fool ourselves and cheat ourselves when we say that all of us are the same. We should not want to be the same as others and we should not want others to be the same as us. Rather, we ought to glory and shine in all of our differences, flaunting them fabulously for all to see! It is never a conformity that we need! We need not to conform! What we need is to burst out into all these beautiful colors!”  ― C. JoyBell C

No, we can't and should never insinuate "conformity" by making people feel bad about the kind of person they are or the kind of decision they make by treating them a certain way to make it obvious that we're upset. Maturity is evident when you can just live around all sorts of people without getting too affected by who they are, what they can and can't perform, and how they live their life. It's like walking through an unfamiliar place and as you see things you just say, "oh, that's an Oak tree. It looks sturdier than the rest of the other trees I've seen so far." or..."that's a scorpion. It stings, so I gotta be careful in dealing with it." We can't be hating a scorpion only because its nature is what it is. We can make adjustments and not show any resentment for what it is not. And even if it stings us, it is foolish to get upset or angry because we know that it really does, just given the chance. So, we just let it pass and learn how to deal with it better next time. PERSPECTIVE.  (Indeed, looking at the same rose bush, some people complain that the roses have thorns while others rejoice that some thorns come with roses.) 

Similarly, people have their own nature. That's why there are heartless criminals, there are psychopaths, there are maudlins...and there are enthusiastic ones, faithful, trusting and forgiving... Yet, we can't place them in a box. We can't just define them for there are things inside of them that we do not see. And we'll never be able to see them once we start defining them. 

I think it's the same with friendship and love. So many writers, poets, authors, intelligent people...tried to define what these words mean. And, too many people who haven't really experienced enough in life just grab a definition which fits their belief. But, what really is friendship? What really is love? For all I know, the Bible talks about God is love and love is God. This is the most accurate definition and description I consider. Why? Because in Matthew 26, Jesus calls Judas Iscariot “friend.” Yes, the one who betrayed Him, which led Him to be spitted on, tortured and finally crucified on the cross of Calvary. And this event happened right after the betrayal. He knew he was going to betray Him, but He still considered him FRIEND. While the world defines friendship and love in many ways,  God defined it radically. It's love that makes friendship. And in this picture, Jesus' love for Judas was without expectation nor condition. It's just is. Judas need not prove anything to Jesus. He did not even have to be a friend to Him. 

Must we judge that Judas had not been a friend to Jesus? I'd say NO. We have no right to judge anyone's motives because we simply DON'T KNOW. We can just guess based on the act. But, then, let's not forget that he committed suicide after returning the silver coins. Is't just out of guilt? Even so. Because you wouldn't really feel guilty, anyway, if you don't really care about the person. Why, I know of people who are filled with so much rage that all they think about is to avenge themselves and after doing so, don't feel any guilt! I mean, judging based on action isn't absolutely fair because there's a lot in every person that need to be considered. That's why the Bible tells us, "do not judge." Our judgments may be right based on facts and observations but there are still things left unseen by our naked eyes.

What am practically emphasizing here, I guess, is how radically God defined love and even friendship. And, everyday, He defines love and friendship over and over by the grace He showers all us. By giving us things we don't even deserve at all. He has foreknowledge of what mistakes, sins, disobedience, unfaithfulness, etc., we're gonna do next. Yet, HE calls us friends and HE loves us, anyway. 

By saying this, I am not making a suggestion that we all must love radically. God respects our differences and so I am choosing to respect differences, as well. How I wish I have His strength to forgive anyone who does me wrong even before the act is committed, so I can love and maintain friendship without reservations. I wish! But, true enough, His grace is sufficient. I can't but I am able to because He lavishes me with love (and friendship) that I don't even deserve. Everyday, I fail. I fall short of His glory. But, well, I am still alive and breathing and moving...these things we won't even allow anyone if we were gods because we base things on whether a person deserves things or not. We're into this reward & punishment-system too much that we think anybody who doesn't reach our standard shouldn't belong. The you're-not-a-real-friend-because-you-aren't-this-and-that..." kinda mentality. The world's mentality. More and more I am understanding why the Bible says, "do not anymore conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed inwardly by the renewing of your mind." Because it's nothing but self-seeking. It's after self-interest. If God thought the same way the world thinks, we're NO MORE. 

My thoughts are rather, unconventional, yes...though, I may not love in a radical way, yet. But, I'm a work-in-progress. Guess, I just need to get this off my chest for now because it's causing my heart to burst already!!! Expectations are everywhere and pressure builds up inside. I just wish people will be considerate in thinking that other people are going through tough times, too...just like they are, so at least, they'd stop questioning, "why are they like this and that...?" "Why can't they and I can...?" I was once this kind of person, actually. Always critical of people because I base things on what I can do and what I am doing. I realized, a fact ― we are all different. And our differences are what give color, excitement and beauty to life. How boring would life be if everything is the same. Makes me remember the movie, "Pleasantville".

Toodle-oo for now, peeps! Hopeful that I'd be able to consistently blog again. 

“It is only when you accept how different you all are, that you will be able to see how much the same you all are. Don't expect anybody to be the same as you, then you will see that you are in many ways the same as everybody.”

― C. JoyBell C

 

If being fake & two-faced are in, I'm fine being an outcast.

Strange what just occurred in my head. A question, in fact. What if you find out that the people whom you trusted with all your heart turned out to be two-faced? They make you believe they're on your side and say the worst things you wanna hear about the person(s) you abhor. They tell you things like, "I don't even wanna talk to him/er..." "...I don't even bother bouncing back a word when (s)he sends a message..." "(S)he's this and that..." Would even go further saying nasty truths about the person... Y'know, say things which give you a notion they don't like the person, too. And, when they are with that person (in your absence), they say almost the same things to that person and turn against you. Couldn't be any less than awful! Agree?

What a serious challenge to love the people who you never thought are the real unlovable(s) in the story of your life! We often hear, "love your enemies...do good to those who treat you badly...". Should we not remind ourselves, in stead, to also love our very own blood, our very own "friends" who injure us beyond our knowledge? Because truth is, you get more harmed by them than by your enemies who practically don't know so much about you and whom you never shared even a second's moment with. How can you forgive such a deliberate offense? The more challenging question is, "how do you forgive the doer(s) of such deliberate offense?"

Come back again next time for answers. Coming soon! *wink*

Ta ta for now! ^_^