Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles

"We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it."




Friday, January 26, 2007

Eye irritant.



It's such a slow day and there's nothing much to do. Had just finished posting on forums and still one blog waiting to be done. Only I am too lazy to work on so, I thought to rant my thoughts out about an article a friend had me read two days ago. This friend I am talking about is someone who shares the same thoughts as mine. Surprisingly, he can understand my deepest thoughts and I sincerely appreciate that. Very few people are interested about another's thoughts and feelings because they're too engrossed with their own selves. So, having this friend is something.

He sent me this site that talk about "Psychopaths". (Will include excerpts from the article here) In my previous post, I made a mention of someone who I tagged as such. After reading the link my friend sent me, it dawned on me that, yes, the person I was referring to as psychopath may be really one. The title of the article is "Help, I'm Surrounded by Jerks" scribbled by Stephanis Rosenbloom. The author was very descriptive with her words that me and my friend got really entertained while reading the self-help article, though, basically, the article was more of like promoting Rosenbloom's books. Here's the introduction and for me this is the best part!

"CERTAIN mortals have the power to sink hearts and sour moods with lightning speed. The hysterical colleague. The meddlesome neighbor. The crazy in-law. The explosive boss. A mélange of cantankerous individuals, they are united by a single achievement: They make life miserable."


The second paragraph contains words such as "nitwits" and I'm kinda off with those words so I rather not include it here.

"They are the office Cassandra who predicts doom for every project her team initiates, the intimidating boss for whom nothing is ever good enough"


This made me wonder how authors of self-help books came up with their ideas. They must have dealt with different psychopaths all their life. I mean, they completely understand how bullies and jerks act and react. Of course, they made long, rigorous studies and researches but what could've enticed them to learn about such people? I am not sure but so far, I haven't read a lot of articles or books that talk about too happy people. Just the self-help stuffs that teach about how to be happy. People with very good dispositions are mentioned of course but no book I know of that discuss about so happy and content people.

"They’re very disruptive"

Yes, they are indeed disruptive! I so agree this is for a fact true. In most cases, they cause others to feel bad about themselves. They are just so talented in making another person's life far less comfortable. There's just so many ways they can find to make someone feel damn low.

"...rather than seeing the office curmudgeon or the post office nitpicker as the sum of their most wretched behavior, it is better to think of them as full people, even to empathize with them, if only to maintain some sense of control."


This one...I don't agree! Have done this almost my entire life and I want to quit already! Did they even think it's that easy to do? Yes, she did mention this kind of advice would only get this response, "easier said than done". Yes! It is absolutely, definitely, certainly, easier said than done! Because just like what she (Rosenbloom) said, we will always find difficult individuals everywhere we go. In every workplace, there's at least one or two. Damn! So far, I've met three in the same worlplace! Goodness gracious! The author also mentioned that there's equal distribution of these people. Unbelievable! Which only means, I can NEVER escape them...anyone of them! Good luck to me!

"Yet, some scholars say, the problem is not the difficult people themselves. It is you."

And why me? Why is it the victims are now being blamed as the problem? Ok yes, because we allow these people to do the things they're doing to us. Yes, because we just don't fight back. Yes. i know all these things and for everyone's information, I used to be a loner, passive, oblivious person. Believe me each time I say I have heard every possible insult that can be hurled to a beautiful girl! (don't mind what I just said) Isn't this enough proof that I've had more than enough? More than anyone can endure? I have. And I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. I want to retreat and completely shut myself off. The problem is, there is just no way I can do this. *frowns*

“Some people really are bad people”

I must agree! And this is actually what I keep telling myself whenever I feel bad because of some reckless, unfeeling, insenstive freaks. And because I am a self-critical person, I tend to blame myself most of the time for another person's actions so, I also have to keep reminding myself of this fact so I won't lose my self-esteem. I always tell myself, it must be me. It must be because I was like this and like that and all other alibis I could think of to cover for the person's jerky actions. Weird.

“Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing With Difficult People”
Another recommended book to read...

"...find a way to communicate with these people because they are not going away."
Another suggestion but promise, it's not really easy! Been there, done that! Bullies become more abusive when they sense fear in their victims. Sometimes, you just got to be showing toughness and prove them you're not a push-over to teach them a lesson. Doormats don't survive very long these days so, put your armors on and fight for your lives! And I also have to add that bullies, psychopaths...whatever you may call them, are mostly conceited individuals. They don't listen. They're also narcissists. What good will it cause if one attempts to talk things out with them?

"...there are those who think they are powerless, that their ideas go unheard or are dismissed and who believe they are not valued, feelings that can turn into chronically difficult behavior."

Is this statement describing me? I honestly think my ideas go unheard and are not valued. But I hope I won't become a difficult person like someone I know. Yes, I believe that "the core of everyone's personality consists of many selves." And many other factors so, difficult people could be the sum total of many bitter experiences and heartaches. I have to give them that. But I also believe that we are all responsible for our own actions and how we are making others feel when we do something. Again, adults should act as adults. We have to use our heads and hearts. Go back to my previous post and look for the quote about "manners".

“If everyone really hates this one person, it becomes the basis of social bonding for the rest of the group.”




Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Monsters don't lurk inside the closet.



Nothing much to say today. Was just browsing my quotes list. I found this:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wear your learning like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it out, and strike it, merely to show that you have one.

True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I just think that there are too many people who think so highly of themselves. If there's just a ruler or any measuring device to accurately determine their worth, they wouldn't have to go through the hassles of talking / proving much about how great they are. I wish I am an inventor so I can do them a big favor. Will invent something that would calculate a person's worth accurately. The objective is to make everyone understand that there's always someone better than they are.




Sunday, January 21, 2007

Introducing...the callous, cold-blooded individuals...

"They don't care that you have thoughts and feelings. They have no sense of guilt or remorse."

Introduction (drum rolls): My two previous posts talked about Limerence and Loving Relationship. Today, I will put the topic down and discuss about another equally interesting one. Just bare with me because today is not such a good day. But hey, I didn't wake up in the wrong side of the bed. So, not cranky...just a lil bit emotional.

I got heartbroken after learning about what happened to my brother early this morning. On his way to office, he was held-up by short, skinny group of males. My brother is tall and big but these guys were armed so, he couldn't do anything. There's really no intention on his part to fight back. Still, one of these guys hit him with a gun on his left temple.

I dunno the details as I was already sobbing while Mom relays the story to me over the phone. I just couldn't believe how cruel people can get just for some meager amount of cash and cellular phone. If their intent was to rob, then rob but why the need to hurt their victim? Anyway, so much for an introduction. Besides, it has nothing to do with what I am to discuss now. I just feel for my brother (of course).

Ok, here's my discussion...

I kinda figure it now. When one allows a bully to dominate him/her, it starts becoming a cycle. It will become a never-ending scenario of bullying-crying unless given a halt, which rarely happens because the meek are, most of the time, the ones being attacked and they are the kind of people that rarely voice out.

So, the bully senses fear and inferiority. This is about the best time to take advantage of what strength or power they didn't really have but have gained because of the situation. It's like parasitism. The bull was never the dominating party since the parasites on it take advantage of what they can with it. No matter the size, the parasites have over-taken the strength of this huge animal. I think there's this certain fulfillment knowing you have overpowered someone no matter how insignificant or significant the person is. Just the thought that you got the power over something or someone already adds to your self worth. Makes sense.

I have consistently been observing this person whom I have known for sometime now. I have never had a pretty good impression of her since the first time she was introduced to me. But, I am never unjust so, when given the chance I opened my doors to her to be my friend. At first, she made me feel like she cared

...and stupid me, I believed her and disregarded my previous prediction of what she is truly made of. I reasoned for her so I can defend her to my already hurting self, which, did nothing good to me whatsoever. There are just people made that way. It's just too late when I learned and accepted this sad truth.


"Psychopaths have a profound lack of empathy. They use other people callously and remorselessly for their own ends. They seduce victims with a hypnotic charm that masks their true nature as pathological liars, master con artists, and heartless manipulators. Easily bored, they crave constant stimulation, so they seek thrills from real-life "games" they can win -- and take pleasure from their power over other people."


And I ended up calling "them" psychopaths! Funny. No pun intended, really, but persons like me who seek reasons for things can't stop until we get to understand what we need to understand. Thus the researches. And believe me, I can easily forgive people and forget about what they've done after thorough thinking.

Somehow, I find reasons and ways to not get angry. I hate hearing myself defending people and I hate myself the more that I allow them to insistently do hurtful things to me. It's not right but I am just that forgiving and trusting that they'd ever change. Change is, after all, the only permanent thing in this world, so the saying goes.

Can't tell if what I am doing is right and I have been consistently battling with my head if this is even acceptable. Maybe I should give myself more worth than what I am giving people. Because in my solitude, no one's sharing my pains. Nobody feels for me the way I feel for myself but GOD. Sometimes, I get to have this difficulty of drawing the line between being nice and not hurting anyone's feeling. There are times I can't understand which to believe. So, I almost always end up hurting myself in the process.


"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

Yes, this is so true. I have met a few highly educated men without manners and a few uneducated men that seem to have so much of it. Whoever believes manners come with intelligence or educational background, well, it's one of the wrong conclusions ever made. Manners are not taught. It is something innate.

I dunno how to call people without manners because what I do know is that animals are the only creatures that have nothing of this. Therefore, psychopaths are animals. Oops, this is a pretty strong statement. Should I take it back? Erase...erase... Retype.

No, I will never take back what I just said unless these people prove me they're not animals. That they are thinking/feeling humans with manners. No, I won't push the backspace button for this is my conclusion based on observation. It's like a research, done with careful observation. (Now, it sounds like I used them as guinea pigs.)


"Female bullies favour a strictly psychological approach to inflicting pain on others such as gossip and persistent criticism."


No, I won't go discussing about gossipmongers anymore. At least not this time. I might stray from the topic because currently, my mind is wandering away. Lemme just share where my thoughts are resting right now -- A person is like a word with many synonyms. The person is the word and the synonyms are his descriptions. -- I don't want to go further on giving examples because I believe in Karma.

Hmm...let me rephrase that, I believe and am practicing the Golden Rule. But, I am definitely sure, EVERYONE who knows her would even contribute to the many negative adjectives (attitudes) already associated with her. Believe it or not, I am not (yet) bitter. Maybe heading there. Which, I think is a signal that there's a need for me to start guarding my boundary. Just like what a very good friend suggested.


Psychopaths succeed in conventional society in large measure because few of us grasp that they are fundamentally different from ourselves. We assume that they, too, care about other people's feelings. This makes it easier for them to "play" us. Although they lack empathy, they develop an actor's expertise in evoking ours. While they don't care about us, "they have an element of emotional intelligence, of being able to see our emotions very clearly and manipulate them.

I know how to respect persons and I give them the respect they deserve but I hope they'd also learn to do the same. That's just all.



Wednesday, January 17, 2007

People shouldn't experience the act of love until they are in love.


What can I say? Eversince I've heard of limerence, I never stopped wanting to know more about it. It's so intriguing that I want to completely understand the logic behind it. Personally, I think Tennov has made a significant move to understanding why some relationships fail. And I guess, she's not alone at this. At a very young age, I have started understanding what could be the real meaning (feeling) of love. I don't believe that love can fade. Because love is ...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Clearly, the study is being supported by this verse. People do mistake feelings for love without them realising it. My question is this..."how many romantic love can one have in his lifetime?" In my opinion, I don't believe that we could love different persons in the exact same level. There's only one true love in a person's lifetime. Other love feelings could just be limerence or whatever feelings one mistake for love.

when limerence wears off, some people fear they are falling out of love. In reality, love has just moved on to a new phase, and many people use limerence as a springboard for a long-term relationship. Arguably, we need this temporary madness, to convince us to set up home and intertwine our destinies with relative strangers.

So, limerence is not at all (can't) just (be) plainly a mistake of two overwhelmed individuals. It could be a stage. But it's all up to them to make love happen.

The first and most basic question in managing a relationship is simple: are both partners having the same kind? Mismatches in expectation about this cause a colossal amount of grief. That's especially so when one partner bids to change the mode of the relationship and the other doesn't follow. So the first rule of relationship management is this: know (and tell your partner) what mode you're in, know what mode your partner is in, and do your damnedest to make sure they match!

Hmmm...a pretty sensible and promising advice. But of course! Openess, I believe is the most important ingredient that makes a relationship successful. However, insisting what both the persons in a relationship want from each other won't cause anything good either. So, there's a need to add compromise. Respecting each other's wants and needs (sometimes opinion) could also help get the relationship to another stage. That is of course, if both are envisioning a future together.

If either of you are misrepresenting what you are giving and expecting (whether because of self-deception or deliberate other-deception) the relationship is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Assuming you and your partner can in fact agree on your goals and be honest about what you're doing, there are other issues. Some of these have to do with commitment -- for how far and into what kinds of futures do the partners bind themselves together?

So, getting into another stage also depends on decision. Can love be a decision? I think you can only start compromising when love is involved. No matter how two persons try harder to make the relationship work, but none of them or just one of them can completely commit to taking it to a higher level, then nothing positive could take place. That's why breaking up happens.

What can help to keep the "emotional juices flowing" in your relationship? The following information might be helpful:


- Touch each other a lot. Touch is one of the best ways of communicating your feelings to another. Touch, skin and body contact are an important part of the overall continuing relationship. *** Try touching your partner lightly with your fingertips. The ends of the fingers will communicate their own language to the person touched. This language will be a personal conversation between the two of you.

- Surprise each other. Be each other's best friend. Make your partner understand that your relationship doesn't just revolve around sexual activities but it actually goes beyond that. Keeping an open-communication can help.

- Swap your interest. Don't stop learning new things about your partner. Treat your partner as if a mystery yet to be unfold. Surely, there's still a lot of fascinating things to discover about each other.

- Develop shared habits. Find out what you have in common and make it your habit to enjoy the things that both of you love doing. Pick a day in a week where you can spend quality time together doing what you agreed to do.

- Give each other space. Always remember that each partner still needs room to be an individual. The individual that he was before you even met him and the individual he still can become.

- Communicate. Again, being open and honest will always lead to more understanding and acceptance of each other's differences.





Saturday, January 13, 2007

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.



The period of limerence lasts on average six weeks before reality sets in and each partner begins to notice that the other is not quite perfect.. A vital thing to understand is that (despite what you've absorbed from a hundred sappy movies) limerence is not romance. It can be the launchpad of romance, but you won't really know what kind of relationship you're in until the glow of limerence fades.


It's a study by a psychologist back in the 1980s. What do we know? Love is not what we think it is. But, finally, I've found an answer to "why people mistake some feelings for love." When one is happy with someone, they immediately jump into the conclusion that "it could be it (love)". Could be. But, not always. It is just a launchpad (limerence). This is also the same reason why couples divorce after a some years of being married (there are times marriages last for just a year). Because once upon a time, they were blinded by something that caused butterflies inside their stomachs. They weren't really thinking. All they ever cared about was what's making them happy. They only cared about the overwhelming feeling that's engorged them. We know better now. Our folks never learned about what we're learning now like "limerence" and other discoveries on love-relationships but they were able to sustain their intimacy for generations. Why can't we? Is it because we are given so many choices? There is divorce in the US and Annulment in the Philippines. Just what is the difference between the two? Yes, I know of the legal terms but basically they are just the same. They separate families.

The bottom line here is, I think everyone (especially the younger generations) should understand that love is something else. It is not what we see everyday. Man and woman of our dreams walking along the busiest street and we found them. Then, it ends there. It is not. Love is more than that. You need to ask yourself questions to really say, "this is it!" Questions like: "is this the person I want to see first thing in the morning laying beside me?" "Will I be strong and mature enough to accept this person's flaws?" "Will I be able to forgive and compromise?" "Can I see myself with this person til our old days?" These are but a few questions to ask yourself. I posted Morrie's quote about marriage on my previous post. But I will post it here again...

In this culture it's so important to find a loving relationship with someone because so much of the culture does not give you that. But the poor kids today, either they're too selfish to take part in a real loving relationship, or they rush into marriage and then six months later, they get divorced. They don't know what they want in a partner. They don't know who they are themselves--so how can they know who they're marrying?

In many cases, love is never enough. Not because we strongly feel for someone already means, we'd end up with each other happily ever after.

"marriages are such high-maintainance relationships"

Of course, when we're looking for love, we are also looking for a future with someone. And because we are all unique; because couples are two individuals, there is still a need to consider whether we can deal with another person (the person we choose to be in a relationship with). Not because we love someone already means they are meant for us. That it is already that easy to deal with each other's differences. No, it doesn't work that way. If it does, then there couldn't be divorces. With the many options laying on the table, people are given the right to make choices even if they are not entitled to it anymore. I am talking, of course, of married people. After some fights and arguments, they'd resolve to breaking up. It's the most convenient thing. They still hope that out of this grueling relationship they can still find true happiness. Only, after several failed relationships and they've reached their 40s, many haven't found what they're looking for still. So, how's it? Bottom line, feelings don't go with happy endings. Not all that can make us happy is good for us. More so, not all that can bring us temporary happiness could really make us happy.

A research by social psychologists Michael Argyle and Mark Cook confirms the importance of eyes meeting across a crowded room. They found that when humans experience intensely pleasurable emotions our pupils dilate and become larger, which unconsciously and involuntarily betrays our feelings. What is more, a small increase in the secretion of the tear-ducts causes the eyes to glisten, producing what Argyle and Cook call the 'shining eyes of love'.

It is easy to think that love ends because of some monstrous piece of bad behaviour, but more often it decays gradually through a million minor hurts. In fact, loving attachment can never be taken for granted and, like anything precious, it needs to be carefully tended.

We all have the responsibility of teaching the younger generations to choose their partners well. And that love is not everything. Of course, it is the most important component of any relationship but, to believe in it so much without using our heads, it couldn't lead to anything good. Their future might still be at risk. Be wise.



Thursday, January 11, 2007

The road to true love was never easy.


I am really not a zodiac fanatic and I am neither a believer. Though, of course I get to read horoscopes at times, and found them somewhat reliable, I still cling to the person I know that is me. Today, zodiac signs love match is in demand. I've already received and answered 2 Taurus related questions. First one was paired with Leo and the next with Piesces. Maybe, there are still people who are careful in choosing a partner like how it should really be. Choosing a lifetime partner is the most crucial decision making one could ever deal with. Come on! This is a happiness issue. And, perhaps, I am not the only one who's hoping to stop the increasing number of broken homes. If zodiac signs and predictions are true, I hope people would just resolve to it as an aid to humans' long time problem -- searching for the right life-long partner. This way, we could all hope for stronger family bond. We won't have to worry about breaking families anymore.

While searching for the answers to the question I received earlier, (the question was: What are the weaknesses of the zodiac sign Taurus?) I found this answer...

Taurus Possible Weakness: Accepting less than you can achieve
I think this may be true. Evaluating myself, yes, it is indeed true. Sad to admit. People say I deserve better things but I put up with sub-standard ones. I have given serious thought about it and still am thinking. It could take time but, oh well. A big factor for this is, maybe, my being emotional. One big problem of mine is that I am too attached to my emotions/feelings. I hope there's a crash course for this, so I can inch by inch change this til I become a better person.

I will post Taurean information that I find true about myself.

A person born between the dates of the 19th and 25th of April would not receive the full central results of the sign's individ­uality, as he would be born when the Sun was on the edge of the sign.

Those born under it are fearless and kind, and very magnanimous when not irri­tated. They are generous, and apt to load themselves with the burdens and sorrows of others.

Money has no special value in their minds except for the good it will do. They have no wish to hoard, and are always ready to divide. They prefer to help with money rather than by the expenditure of time or sympathy (just somewhat true).

They have great power of concentration, and make the best metaphysical healers. By the power of their will they can pro­ject their thought to great distances and hit the mark. They are exceedingly fond of the good things of the earth, and like to spread feasts for their friends.

They feel the minds of other people and know their thoughts (this is also what my personality type says about me).

Taurus Greatest Strength: Your sensible outlook on life

Taureans are determined, productive, practical, reliable, resourceful and capable of generating great wealth. They will work slowly and steadily to achieve their ultimate goal. Ruled by Venus, Taurus loves material comforts, sensual pleasures and beauty. They take great pride in their possessions and assets. Taureans may be stubborn, but their steady demeanor makes them reliable and loyal.




Monday, January 1, 2007

Empty hearts and voices talking


New Year, new beginning. I just hope this applies to everyone.

I have always been the apple of gossipmongers' eyes. All my life, even when I was still too naive, they've been giving me monikers, tagged me as this and that. It didn't hurt me as much than it is hurting me now. Maybe when you grow older you get to understand how you just want to live a life. Because, in fact, nobody helped you reach where you are now. So, who gives them the right to pull you down? It isn't fair. No, life is not unfair. People are.

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

People can really be such jerks with just words. I don't understand why they are taking pleasure in meddling on another person's business. Why should they care, in the first place? It is not anymore their concern if someone's straying. What? They care? Then why the hell are they spreading rumors in stead of confronting me? Is that even caring? Is that what they call "care"? If they did care for me then they should've hurled words to my face. I'd catch each word no matter how afflictive they might be.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love."
- Proverbs 27:5


I am upset because they're taking away my right to live. If I do this they'd say something; if I don't do this, they'd say something. Just where the hell should I place myself? I am so sick and tired that people sort of manipulating my decisions. It's sick! And it's true that we shouldn't really care so much about what other people think. How can I not? When their judging eyes won't stop dissecting what could be wrong with me... Dean is right. Their life is dull so, they're messing with somebody else's life to make their's interesting. But goodness! Making your life interesting at the expense of another?! Damn! Maybe I am not the one needing a life. Maybe it's them. Yes, it's them!

Just what is it that they want from me? What else? I lived a very lonely life already. Do they think they can even make it worse? Like what I've said in my previous post, "nothing can hurt me as much anymore". Much has been said about me. More than they can imagine. But I am invincible. And I am still keeping my faith I can go through all this.

"They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down but I will not allow
anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me...

I have learned there's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
So I won't be afraid and darkness will fade...

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down but I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach."

New year, I hope they'd find a new attitude, a new hobby, a new point of view. I hope they'd become better persons because what the world really needs are people who are pure. People who care for one another. Of course, no one is righteous, like what the Bible says. But let's just start the year right by minding our own business and not cause another's pain.

✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐

A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...

✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐