Struggle shapes our character. And character dictates what we will become.

I can't believe I'd not dropped even a single line here for a really long while (until two days earlier). It's been more than a year since I published a post. And, boy, how time seriously flies so swiftly. A year just went past me. Now 2018 is about to bid farewell soon. Very soon. Like in a couple of days!

For quite a while, I've been struggling with this thing they call 'adult-ing', which apparently happens naturally to all of us at one point in this life. I don't want to say I've been a victim so I rather say, "struggling". Because considering myself a 'victim' takes the responsibility off of me.

So, as I was saying, adult-ing's been going on for quite some time now to me, sneakily. Adult-ing can actually mean a lot of things for different people. Not necessarily all bad, just tough. Like for me, it doesn't mean I changed into someone completely new, leaving behind the bizarre person that I really am. I still love and do the things I used to love and do but just with more passion and expression now with some moments when there's less or totally none. (Still a walking contradiction, what's new?)

What happens is, I'm just adding more awesome and beneficial things to my list while simultaneously removing less significant pursuits. Like I still love writing in my journal, though I can't do it on a daily basis like before. I still maintain my blog pages, though they face oblivion time and time again. I'm still into wearing dresses most of the time, yet not to look cute or to be in, but for practical reasons. Well, mainly because one piece saves me from the hassle of mixing and matching and trying different ones on. Saves time. I can say I've become wiser. Not street smart, but hoping to get there. Adult-ing is tough in that it requires one to carefully consider their course of action. It requires one to keep letting go and moving on readily.

One thing that makes me struggle most with adult-ing is management of my life. What to keep and what to dispose. And I am not talking about physical clutters alone, but everything that influences my peace. Which means even the filtering of thoughts and feelings, and people and situation ― whoever and whatever brings positivity and negativity. Strict discipline is another. I've been training myself to live in such a way that there must not be anymore grumbling and blaming... No more excusing, just taking action. Anyway, I am completely left alone to deal with what decisions I make. So might as well really think things through and act accordingly.

I love the freedom of living alone, independently. Without being always conscious of anyone. All my life, I'd depended on others that I always fear coming up to a decision. At least, now it's only God's opinion that matter most to me. There will be less mistakes. Mistakes and stumbling were all because of my doing. And I acknowledge this fact without any excuse. I take responsibility.

Because of the struggle with adult-ing I get to love more the things that make me feel like a child again. Like simply trusting and not over thinking things. Because back then naivety was the norm and skepticism was nothing but a foreign language. It is a much better place to have nothing negative ― nothing to fear, not holding much opinion to be defensive about. At times, I wish I'd protected myself firmly from being corrupted by the world. In my contemplating, I often get to miss the childlike me and question whether I lost her or she's just hiding inside and waiting for me to show her off.

Being childlike gave me much freedom to do what I want to like writing whatever topic. Now, there is a pull from another direction that I need to add some content that will draw readers' interests. While another pull reminds me I am not writing for anyone, but that I just want to. It's always been my avenue for self-expression. Yeah, it doesn't have to be published for everyone to see. I can do the traditional paper and ink. True. And I do that. Perhaps, posting stuff in my online journal is my way to share me to whoever might find my thoughts interesting.

This is not me saying that adult-ing is bad. Or a curse. A person can be every person that they can be. They can be a mature person without losing their inner child. In the same way I appear to be a living contradiction, and it's all because I am not defined by just one side of who I truly am. And I live who I am. Every layers. I have always been true to my own person. Sadly, I learned it's not very acceptable. Too many people box things to their level of understanding and liking. Anything odd is to them not to waste time on. Weird how they say, "be yourself" yet they make someone feel the worst by being themselves ...for showing their true colors. Which makes it ever more clear to me why there is but one standard for morals ― the Word. Otherwise, whose judgment is really valid?

Whenever I find things a little more difficult to handle, I still get to this point of leaning to my tendency to dig and look for reasons why things have to be that hard. When things should've been simple. I tend to blame the irresponsibility of others. Wishing they had done better. Just wisdom always whisper, reminding me that I am only adding to the problem throwing blame and by sulking. Nothing gets solved. And it's not always that I am receptive to wisdom, if I am to be honest now. I somehow resist the sense and benefit of what it says and end up wasting precious times. Squandering minutes and hours. These are times I can clearly see how needy I am. That if God would let me be, then I'd only continue harming myself, and others in the long run.  

Truth is, I don't bite at terms being introduced here and there. Adult-ing is one of the terms I prefer not to give much fuzz about, actually. Except that, right now, I have this need to let out all that occupy my mind. I shall surely write about this "millennial" term and share what I really hold as truth about it that's based from the Word. For now, I just want to allow myself to dump whatever here and maybe in a few months, I'd go back and laugh at all the silliness I published. *sticks out tongue*