"You represent the sum of my weakness..."

Am feeling a lot better now. After 2 weeks' episode of recurrent fever, I am now liberated. Everyone's right and I was wrong for postponing check up. It's not that I am applauding the doctor now but twas such a big help that I now have the right medication (just not a doc fanatic).

...(yehey) I don't find myself anymore curled in bed under a thick blanket every afternoon. No more frequent headache, back pain and cold. Guess, am back to my own animated self again. This even a good news?

.......................................

Met with Bud last Monday night. Was sick that morning but was able to manage to leave the house early evening. Boy, how traveling, even to a short distance, had me real dizzy!

Twas my first time in Megastrips, actually. Used to just hear that place from friends but never been there until last Monday.

Not anymore used to traffic, but twas no surprise that I had to deal with it, especially, I left the house a bit late. In fact, it's not really the traffic. Just can't stay longer in the cab. Was already so dizzy and there was still a few minutes to my destination. So, I ransacked my bag for any sign of mint candy. I was lucky to see one.

15min to 7pm: Finally reached my destination.

Found Bud at Worlds of Fun playing this arcade game he said he used to play with his inamorata. Just stood some distance behind him for a few minutes while I wait for him to finish. Hehe. Missed him. When was the last time we went out together? Can't even remember.

Three hours of gabfest while having dinner. Nothing so exciting but I was just really there to be an ear. Same old scenario. We were there together for the same reason why we even became close friends. At least, even for a short while.

Dunno but I believe he knows that I don't like the gal. I am wondering, though, why of all people it has to be her. Y'know what am saying? Of all people GRRR...It's frustrating. But, it's his life and he has all the right to choose who he wants to be with. Am just a friend who wants to support him. At the back of my head, I want to protect him. But, from what? From who? I'd only appear bitter if I attempt to keep him away from her. Rather selfish. Only because she did me something wrong, I'd want the whole world to hate her. Irrational.

Well, yes, I am bitter. Because until now, I still punish myself for not understanding why she even had to be that way to me. Why she stare at me with so much dislike. I never asked that she consider me a friend. But, I believe I deserve the right to be treated properly.

I tried to hide everything inside...all the pain she caused me everyday. Those endless crying every night...I asked myself what did I ever do to her and she's doing this to me? I was hurt. Badly hurt.

I don't even know why I was hurt / am still hurting. Inside, I still have this attachment to her. This willingness to forgive her. In fact, I had forgiven her several times. But, forgiveness is only given to those who acknowledge their wrongs. She never did. Guess, she never will.

She knows what am talking about. Everyone can say whatever they want to say -- Am the one at fault, am the one mean, am the one acting irrational...whatever! But, this is between us. She knows what am talking about. She knows what she did wrong. And only she knows why she even did those things to me.

("When you stare at someone long enough, you will understand their humanity..." )

...or maybe I do understand why -- she's a GEM.

I probably have forgiven her. Just that, as with any wound, there's a twinge every now and then. Pain is still fresh as if everything happened just yesterday. Don't ask me why. I dunno either. Why would I even worry about her, right? When all that she caused me was heartache. But, I still do care; whatever she may have within her. I still hope that she would find it in her heart to see me as a friend.

Sounds annoying, right? I mean, who the #&$% is she, in the first place and am yearning for what friendship she can offer me?! But, this is something I can't even answer myself. There's just something inside that tells me this.

I have always been right about her. Not one thing wrong. And I believe she knows that I know a lot (if not everything).

As for Bud, well...he's the bridge connecting me back again to her. There are just ghosts that won't leave. Maybe she has this emptiness...or a need...or anything that only Bud and I can offer/provide. Just hope she'd learn to open up and acknowledge the persons who truly care for her.

Bud...he's such a pure soul. He loves the girl. But, I hope he learns to know that sometimes, LOVE is just not enough. He has to be kind to himself. He has this responsibility to take care of his emotions. We can all love anyone but we should know our limit. It is still important to learn how to love our own selves first. Cause, we can love with all our hearts. Give everything we can. But, before anything else, we need to understand that we can only love, but never possess.

We don't own anyone's life and decisions. Expecting is a grave sin. FACT: No one can love us the exact same way we love. (if there is anyone, he must be hiding)

What I learned is, yes, there are so many things we don't deserve like pain. But, we are forgetting that we make ourselves deserve it. We can opt not to be hurt but we choose to be. Sometimes, it's just our choices. It's not all wrong, though. Maybe, if we just push a lil more, we can get the results we want.

"If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them."

Am proud of my Bud.

....................THE END...................