Revisiting My Green Room: Returning After a 3-Year Hiatus

I've chosen to resume blogging after a three-year sabbatical. It's been a long time since I've written a post, and I'll confess that I was a little hesitant to get back into it. After much thought, I concluded that I missed the creative outlet that blogging gave, and I wanted to share my experiences with you all once more.

I began writing as a way to express myself. After that... I somehow intended it to be a platform for me to express my thoughts, ideas, and faith with a bigger audience. To be honest, I wasn't expecting to gain a massive following. I am terrified of being opposed to and judged. It's well recognized that when you make your life narrative public, you essentially give others permission to criticize your every move and I don't like to give people that free pass. Who does, right? But, I suppose, it's one of the simplest forms of self-expression—Introverts' Way. So... 

However, life intervened and I found myself putting my blog on the back burner. I hadn't realized how much I had missed it until recently. Yet, something tells me that it's a dead platform. So, I've been thinking about starting a vlog for years. In fact, I didn't actually think vlogging would catch on, though I was told it would. Someone suggested that I start one in 2014. Maybe it's simply not my personality so I gave a nod. I mean, I'd done TV shows, hosting, modeling, and others. Vlogging, on the other hand, makes me feel egotistical as I stare and chat to the camera by myself. To me it feels awkward.

It's already 2023... Looking back, I should have begun monetizing my social media platforms through vlogging sooner. 💭

Returning to blogging after such a lengthy gap was difficult, but I believe it was well worth the effort. I'm not sure how difficult it is to produce vlogs. I believe blogging is easier for me because I don't have to struggle when I'm introvert-ing. Even in that state, I can write. While it would need far more from me than I am capable of giving if I forced myself to vlog. I could give up on it shortly! While having a blog is like having a public journal where erasures are ok. Of course, this is my preference so maybe I am speaking with bias.

I like the idea of learning more about myself and my thoughts by writing. There were even occasions when I appeared to be arguing with myself. You know that moment when you realize you said something not so brilliant, but you only realize it after you have completed a few paragraphs? So, with a better idea, you kind of want to retract what you just said without having to delete the previous one in long paragraphs because you think you wrote it well?! 😂 I mean it helps me to evaluate what I believe in. Helps me grow as a person.

All of us desire to occasionally share our experiences with others. We find means to share our feelings about significant life events, our opinions on hot-button topics, or even merely to share our experiences as we try out new activities. For a variety of reasons, we wish to share life with others. It seems to be an inherent aspect of our relational nature as humans. So, I also have it.

While returning to blogging after such a long break was a bit daunting, it was definitely the right decision for me. I'm excited to see where this journey takes me and look forward to connecting with others along the way. AND, I hope not to take another long break again! 😂

Another Year of Gratitude: A Birthday Reflection

As my birthday on April 20 drew near, I couldn't help but reflect on the years that had passed and all the people who had supported me through the highs and lows. I am deeply grateful for all the blessings that have come my way, and by "blessings" I mean the individuals that God has placed in my life.

Although not all of my experiences over the past several years have been pleasant, I am thankful for the lessons I have learnt from the difficulties and setbacks. And even from my own imprudence and recklessness. I've learned to view unpleasant situations as worthwhile lessons and to rely on my support system through trying times, which is primarily God and the people He sent in each circumstance I've encountered. I am appreciative of everyone He utilized to amplify all else He has already given me. This enabled me to appreciate the rewards and beauty of relationship.

I am incredibly appreciative of all the individuals and events that have aided my development as an individual as I reflect on the previous years. I am grateful for every blessing in my life, from the open doors and windows that have come my way to the network of support that I have. I will carry this thankfulness with me as I go onward and work to pay it forward by offering a positive impact and influence on others.

God's gracious hand is upon me, indeed! And may His hand continue to remain on me, to guide me in all my ways.

I turn my daily struggles into extraordinary moments.

The worst part is that I am aware it’s irrational and often inexplicable. Annoyingly though, knowing that gives no aid whatsoever. It only deepens further what this feeling might be. I don’t want to call it depression. Anxiety, maybe? I just feel more frustrated as I reason with myself and insist that “this is irrational”. But, how come I can’t stop it? It seems I can’t. Like I’ve lost control of my mind even I am sure it’s functioning properly. It IS RATIONAL. A part of me is not.

Memories keep resurfacing, tormenting me into unbelievably profound gloom. I often can’t bring myself to move. And, I curl in a fetal position as each memory plays out. It’s just so hard to function.

More frequently, I get to have this feeling like someone is gripping my heart. Twisting it. Makes it feel like it’s hard to breathe. And, I force shut my eyes tightly against another memory that threatens to emerge.

It’s hard to fight. But, I am left with no other option. So, I deny the urge to wallow in grief. I can’t let misery consume me whole. But, it’s as though, everything conspires to pull me further down. That I am forced to fight harder.

God has been my comfort. He lifts me up. I receive unconditional love. I am strengthened. Even inch by inch.

I need to keep reminding myself that I am not to live according to the flesh, especially, NOT when it is harming me. I must not believe the lies. The voice that tells me there is no more reason to go on. That it’s better to stop living. It is quite convincing when you’re just so down and low. But, it is the time I ought to fight harder and to choose to believe the Truth. Only the Truth.

And, in this struggle, I stumble upon things that make me see how there is so much out there to do. To see. To experience. To learn. I can’t keep confining myself into this tiny world I am in. And more that I ought not to confine myself into this short episode. This one devastating event. 

I hope to find meaning in this. I hope to contribute to the world through this.

I have a Facebook account that was dormant for a long while which I recently made active. There’s where I let strangers in. And, I also started making use of the public page I accidentally created months ago. They are both keeping me busy. My YouTube channel has been silent for a while, as well. So, I thought it would help me if I rather keep myself busy coming up with contents for vlog. I guess this is how I should follow my own advice. That instead of focusing on my hurts, I should rather use my time and energy on reaching out to people and letting people reach out to me.

So, friends... you who are reading this, it would be such a huge help if you visit my new cyber space and my YouTube channel. Journey with me. See you there. 

 

My resolve

Truth is, there's only one thing to do first to get over anything that weighs you down. That is... to decide that you are going to! 

People may wish there's some magic. Instant transport to the next episode, to the next place. I hate to disappoint but how everything starts is... with a decision to move forward. And, then commit to it.

So, I decide everyday to force myself out of bed even my body feels like glued to it. I drag myself to get ready for work and to be focused on what needs to be done. Everything I will ever do every today is to make a decision. A decision that promotes my welfare and not what destroys it.

Yeah, doing so can’t readily set me free from sorrow and grief... but it sure is a step in the right direction. I am sane enough to understand that I can't do God’s part, and He won’t do mine. He can’t make that decision for me, because only I can make that decision for myself. I am my own responsibility. He made me a steward of my body. "Deny self" when it leads me to destruction.

Somewhere deep down inside of me, I believe that once I have made that decision, God can and will help me with the rest. Just as He has done many times in the past. He is faithful. He will always be. His grace is sufficient for me in every today.

 

 

Inconclusive

Do we ever really know what we will do in any situation until the situation presents itself?

I am holding on, but barely.

Struggling and gripping anything just to keep it together for another day.

I function like a robot. Tears involuntarily drop. My heart feels like it's breaking into pieces... and then again... over and over. The pain is just so unbearable that I want to be over it. Escape it. But how?

He proved to me I wasn't as tough as I thought I've become. And, this episode is forcefully teaching me to be. 

I gotta get over it before it pulls me further down. Before I become so accustomed to being mastered by this strong emotion that I, one day, simply give in. 

I will give myself time to grieve. I won't try to be strong. I won't bother about tomorrow, or the next week, or the next month. I will just keep it together, today. And may the Lord allow my heart rest again.

 

Life goes on but will never be the same again...

 ...and then it came to me...

That the only way to continue in life is to embrace this grief. Because this grief only exists where love lived first.

Am deeply shattered. In ways I never thought I would be. I didn't know this much about myself until I was brought to this situation which I so dread to one day face. 

I want to point blame to whoever. First, to myself. But, that leads nowhere. And, would only prove me a fool. I told him these things quite a number of times -- 

...keep moving forward. Life should never be tied to an episode. Hold on to things and people loosely. And, never attach happiness to anyone or anything. Esp not to people. Because they have wills of their own. Who can tell if you are part of their plans?

I told him these things with such conviction. Now, he left me with the challenge to put them into action. My will isn't strong enough, I realized. What I know does not seem to align with how I feel. 

Makes me want to think of him too selfish to have not thought what pain he could inflict on me. How unfair he only thought of a small portion of his existence that he neglected to consider the rest of us. Me...who was there for him in some of his life's toughest battles.

Yet, was it not equally selfish that I kept pulling him away from his own will? He obviously did not want me to get in the way this time. He wanted no other influence. He was so convinced of what he deemed best for himself.

Tears flow involuntarily. 

Acceptance.

It would probably definitely help if I start applying the same advice I give people. That despite my heart's insistence to understand, there is no other way forward but to accept what happened. Without demanding for reasons.

My mind won't let me rest. Am drained. Am so sick to my stomach. But, I look forward to heal soon enough. This, too, shall pass.