Refinement Creates Beauty

Three days from now, it's already another year. Imagine that. Time passes by so fast. Twas like only yesterday when 2012 came. Now it's 2013 soon. Actually, I didn't really feel the festivities and all even though I had attended a few celebrations... I wasn't really able to feel the spirit. But, I know it's also a decision to choose to be thankful and, in my heart, I really am. Just, I can't deny how things are really shaking me right now. Sometimes, I just wanna wake up in a different world. I wanna wake up a different person.

Well, it's been a roller coaster ride this year, I must say. There had been answered prayers and still more unanswered. But, hey! Isn't it what gives excitement to life? Yeah, I can't deny I have many regrets, which I hope will be replaced by thanksgiving, in stead. I want my attitude to be right. God is building me up and I must not anymore resist. Seriously, it's tough, but nothing isn't. I talk about perspective and I simply wanna have a better one. God help me.

After nagging to God, He finally gave me what I was asking for early this year. He gave it just when things aren't really going so well anymore, ironically. Something that doesn't make sense to me. Or, could be I still am doing something not right. But, am really sure, it's really His answer to my years of nagging. Why in the most inconvenient time, I dunno. Still am thankful. And, He's really been generously gracious to me. So gracious I can't thank Him enough. But, more than anything, I am thankful for the wisdom that He's imparting to me with every situation that comes my way. That, in everything, He works for my good. Nothing but my good.

There's really not a lot that I can list down He granted me this year but I guess it's because I am focusing on what I was expecting to receive. So, I acknowledge even those that came unexpectedly ― small and big things alike. Just, I find it really tough to be pruned and molded at the same time. He's teaching me so much. Or, maybe, He's got no choice but to keep shooting lessons at me because I was too insistent to make things happen as I wish.  And, I know that He's been talking to me and He's really given me wisdom, knowledge and everything to equip me. Maybe, most of the time, I stay deaf or I act deaf. Am not sure. Or, could be, I am often shrugging off His instructions and reminders because I want to please myself. I can so relate to the Israelites! LOL

One of the things I have been taught was to trust Him not men. I guess for quite some time I simply relied on people. I am praying and praying and yet the voices of the people around me echo more to my ears and they're who I follow. Am in this tug-o-war of trusting either God or man. One of my biggest challenges, I must say. Not that I consider people better than God. Of course, I am not that nuts to think so. Maybe it's also pride that I am sure my judgment is good because God gave me a gift of sound judgment so I am confident that who I choose to trust is truly reliable. Still, it isn't right.  Through the years, God has been jealous because I seem to give more weight to what others feel and think more than what He feels and thinks. And, I know how I am hurting Him. At least now it's very clear to me. Thanks to His wisdom. And thanks that He opened my eyes to this fact about me which is something I wasn't really taking with a straight face. And, yeah, although I already know doesn't mean it's gonna be plain sailing to change. Still His grace is what I need.

Another thing is to be ALWAYS thankful. Whatever circumstance. That I shouldn't allow my situation control and influence my joy. This is something really tough. At times, I'd even end up wishing I was still the old me when I was just taking everything as they come. Growing up in a family where dad's strict, I learned obedience without complain. Twas natural for me to just follow and accept whatever comes. I wasn't always happy, of course. But, at least, I wasn't grumbling. There was the childlike faith that they only wanted the best for me. That's when I was still dependent on everything they have to say. I wish I never learned independence. However, staying the same won't allow me any progress. This was the answer I got from God when I asked Him, why He even had to allow me independence. Twas way better when I was not self-governing. Often, I'd wish I were still a child ― no need to make decisions, no responsibilities, no worries. I find it more convenient. Then, it dawned on me, I was looking at my Egypt. God is leading me to my Promised Land and I am staring back at my Egypt where I feel my comfort is in. God is equipping me more and more that's why I gotta embrace change. And it includes me having to make my own decisions, face the consequences of what decisions I make ― right or wrong ― without pointing fingers at and owning up all the bad ones. I can't emphasize enough, though, how terrible these are all happening at the same time in this season of my life. All I can help myself with is to consistently remind myself that a puzzle won't be complete without the smaller pieces. Each piece don't make sense...don't look pretty...on their own but creates a wonderful portrait with the rest of the other pieces. Like an ingredient, such as cumin, paprika, turmeric... don't taste nice unless mixed with the rest of the other ingredients to make a recipe. So is everything that happens to me may not make sense at the moment especially when heartache is involved, but I am sure they're all adornments to beautify my character in God's time. God's wisdom is truly awesome and I am so thankful He is lavishing me with much of it although I, most of the time, end up misusing or ignoring it. How wonderful is that?!

When I was a child, I wasn't complaining a lot. In fact, I can't remember myself whining about anything. I didn't like summer heat (even til now) but I never said a word about how I don't like it. I wasn't expressive with words. I think I didn't have a mind of my own, in fact. I was just going with the flow. Thinking about it, I also wish I were still like that child now. It's a happy life to just take things as they come. No questioning why, what, how, when, where...I don't know if it's just me but I miss that point of my life when I wasn't grumbling about anything no matter how difficult things went. If I had to walk long, I'd walk long without getting irritated. I never criticized anyone. And whenever I heard others giving their thoughts about another, I was surprised how their thoughts were that advanced when it never crossed my mind what they observed or judged. I was naive. I didn't totally like it at that time, of course. I felt so dumb. Somehow, I taught myself to be more observant and vocal only because I didn't wanna be thought of as slow-witted. Couldn't be so wrong but the motive was wrong. I mean, it helped me become better. It helped me to strive to always give excellence in almost everything. Just I did it for the wrong reason. Lately, I've been thinking and wishing I still have even a little of that child in me, at least. A lotta things happened in my life and they made me who I am now. As I go through life there are more roads to trek and situations to pull of, so, naturally, God equips me with more tools. Only I need to learn how to operate them properly. Guess, God had to really expose what's in my heart to teach me better lessons that I would never learn any other way. I don't need to miss being that child and resent who I am now. I only need to make use of God's tools like self control. I may have learned the habit of complaining but He has given me the tool to fight it. In fact, He has given me the best tool of all ― LOVE. If I live and walk in love every second of my life, I am already fine. ^_^

Two last things I wanna share I learned the hardest this year are: to not be critical; and, to let go of control. If as a child I was just receiving everything as they're given to me, as an adult I became self-seeking. I am almost always after my self-interest. When things don't go my way, I become cranky. My words become blade that pierce people to the core. Should've been like this, should've been like that are just some of the famous lines that usually come out of my mouth. I became the person like those people I heard criticizing others during my childhood. I was reminded that I promised myself I will never be like them. But, I guess, I allowed myself to be corrupted by the world. 

Maybe I don't need to keep wishing to be that child again. I can't go back to being a child again. I can't keep looking at the rear view mirror and regret, resent and have all the negative feelings about how I turned out to be. In fact, I should be thankful because God saved me from being the monster I could've been had He not led me through the Holy Spirit. There's so much to thank God for than focusing on the downsides. Change is necessary and inevitable. All the things I had to go through, all that I have become through the years are part of everything. Part of my metamorphosis. And as I stumble, as I break, as I fall...I learn. I am humbled. And I acknowledge more that I am NOTHING apart from God. But, I am SOMEONE under His grace. To Him be the glory! Hopeful that the coming year will make me all peaches! ^_^

Just reflecting...

I suppose it’s about trust between people in the end.

We all should make efforts to not make the Christmas spirit fade anytime in a year. It should always remain and be felt even it's not December. I was reading diverse Christmas and holiday greetings over the Net and one of the messages that caught my attention is this: "this is the season of forgiving NOT JUST thanking". Well, I believe that we really NEED to forgive in order to express thanksgiving. We can never fully express how thankful we are for all the blessings we received if we don't do this act. The real essence of Christmas is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It's all the reason why we are having the feasts, the gatherings, the exchanging of gifts...because God, through HIS Son, made that decision to forgive us our transgressions in order to have a relationship with us. As the Word says, "God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son."

There are times I'd think about why is relationship WITH ME so important to God that He had to send Jesus here on Earth to serve, to suffer and to die an agonizing death ONLY to rescue me from my ungodliness and share an everlasting relationship with me. One Man had to suffer just because God wants me to have a relationship with Him. Doesn't make so much sense. Who am I? I've got nothing to offer Him anymore than He can offer me and the entire world. But HE wants me. He keeps chasing after me no matter how I try to run away. And, I believe this is the same with all human race. God intends for everyone to belong to Him.

Acknowledging this fact, there is truly a great reason for us to paint the town red. In fact, our merry making isn't enough because what God has done is something exceedingly praiseworthy. Nothing that our festivity can ever measure up to. Be that as may be, if we are to decisively offer thanksgiving, one of the best ways to do so is to FORGIVE. If we are truly thankful that Jesus saved us from our sins and we understand that He died so that we can be forgiven, then, whether we feel like it or not we must choose to forgive from the heart. Not because the person who wronged us deserves it, but because we are thankful that God forgave us even if we don't deserve to be forgiven.

So many people find it hard to forgive not because they can't. It's, actually, because of the what's-in-it for me mentality. Because we experienced betrayal and pain, we started living in fear that it might be done again to us. So now, we're being too careful. Many, often, reason they're just being "wise". Looking at it, it's more of a trust issue. It's looking after self to never be hurt again. If God thought this same way, I wonder if even a single person will deserve anything. I wonder if anyone will receive a second chance. Knowing that God knows what's in our thoughts and minds... He knows what we're gonna do the next second ... we are totally screwed! We can never pass godliness test. But, it's not the act that He is looking at. He offers trust without questions. Without telling us, "well, this is what you're gonna do after three minutes." No. He loves and accepts us wholly. Filthy as we are. He never said, "go and clean yourself up before I can receive you." In stead, He says, "I receive you so come and let's clean you up." How awesome is that?!

The world says, Trust should be EARNED. Not with God. None of us is trustworthy. All fall short, the Scripture says. But, God doesn't look at that. He looks at how HE can fix us. It's not about what we can do for ourselves to become better people. It's about what HE wants to do in order for us to fulfill the purpose He created us for. Taken that none is trustworthy, we are not to expect anyone to be trustworthy before we can trust them. If we choose to forgive, we also hafta choose to trust that any person can and will change. Maybe not immediately. Not after a day...not after a week...not after a month...It could take longer, in fact. But, the thing about trust is, it's same as faith. There's an absence of the thing hoped for. You can't see it right away. It's not yet visible. But, it eventually will be. Trust is believing in something or someone without logical reason. Otherwise, it's not trust. Yeah, it sounds risky. But, that's the essence of it. I don't understand certain things but I don't have to KNOW before I can CHOOSE to trust. It's a decision. It's voluntary.

Thing is, just like love, trust should be GIVEN. And, problem these days is that it's hard for people to give without assurance it'll be reciprocated. However, if we keep doubting...if we keep being suspicious about another person, we'll never be able to really trust. Because we're always thinking about protecting ourselves from pain. It's hard to give when we always come first before others. Fear hinders us from doing what we ought to do. We've been hurt before and we become prisoners of the bad experience so this time around we are guarded. Some are too guarded they can't release love because it translates to susceptibility to emotional suffering. One act from a person in the present that's similar to an act done by the person in the past triggers alarm. Until distrust rules the relationship. Cynicism becomes the main focus. It, then, manifests with the way we respond to people. Relationship suffers.

I am not saying that everyone should be trusted. Like, I can't welcome a criminal inside my house. I can't entrust my niece (I don't have one, though) to an ex-convicted rapist. That's extreme. All that God expects from us is to trust that HE is doing something in the heart of the person(s) we are dealing with on a daily basis. Someone might have wronged us but it doesn't mean they're always gonna do the same. Or, if they keep doing the same thing to us over and over as if they have no intention of changing, God still expects and requires us to trust that one day the person will change. Well, we all have things we want to change in us, don't we? And, most of the time, we keep failing and we find it hard to just change. But, we trust not ourselves to change what we want to change inside of us. We trust God that HE will change us. Similarly, if we are to trust anyone, we should first entrust them to God WHO can change the heart. The One Who can truly create change within. So, in stead of nagging and complaining about how a person never improves, it's much better to say a prayer and let God do the work in their lives.

"Love is patient and kind" means when we love someone, we should be patient in waiting til they become a renewed person; and, we must remain kind even we are hurting. Love always looks at the good of others. If it means enduring pain for now just so the other person is allowed his own pace to progress, so be it. That's love. That's trust. And I found out that the best gift we can offer each other is trust. Especially in love relationship. Well, it applies to friendship, too, because we always injure each other intentionally or unintentionally. But, those who are in a relationship ...those who are married ... trust is absolutely vital. I know of a couple who survived an ugly past only because the wife chose to trust that her husband is not gonna do again what he did in the not-so-distant past which hurt her. There's no guarantee but his word. Nevertheless, she chose to trust. What's more amazing is, she never kept record of the wrong. Never echoed the offense whenever they fought. She never spied on him. Never questioned him. Never doubted him. And that helped the relationship. Her decision made the husband really thankful and because of that he obliged himself not to cause her anymore heartache. How beautiful when we simply allow love to influence our actions. If we just simply stop over-thinking. If we quit fencing our grounds. Then, trust comes next. Trust comes easy.

If someone is really important to us...if a person means something to us... we want to keep the relationship with that person even when it hurts. I guess that's part of loving. Not being martyr. Part of loving is sacrificing a part of ourselves just so we can welcome a person into our lives. Just like what God did. HE sacrificed Jesus because we are important to Him. ...and just like what Jesus did. He denied Himself. Denied His rights...just so our relationship with our Heavenly Father will be restored. And, if we are sincerely thankful for this, we ought to FORGIVE voluntarily over and over...TRUST completely and LOVE graciously.  

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”  ― Jennifer O'Neill