~ the talked-about is always the last to hear the talk ~

Again, I question why people just won't stop passing nasty words around. I don't really care whatever the degree of nastiness. It actually may not be considered nasty, intfp... passing gossips ...hearsays...whatever you want to call it! ...thing is, why bother passing along something that is completely none of your business? Just doesn't make any sense to me. And I can't even decide whether to pity or loathe them. I am pissed, yes. They are making me believe more that nobody is deserving of trust.

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“It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.”

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I don't trust you anymore, Miss Plastic Coke Bottle. I don't feel sorry for you, though. I feel sorry for myself that I even gave you a bit of my trust. It's such a waste of resources. Should've just saved them for someone who deserved it more than you do. You deserve none. You are like a leech trying to suck some freaking blood from different people for your own grandiose pleasure. You're such a pathetic empathy magnet. You gotta be dealing with your pathetic self issues! ...and I hate that I have given you that precious space in my Yahoo Blog. Hate that I even said kind words about you. Now, I can't help but believe all the nice things you said about me were all but like you...all lies!

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Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.

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...there's another type of poison perhaps a little more insidious - thought poison - commonly called "gossip." Thought poison differs from body poison in two ways. It affects the mind, not the body, and it is more subtle. The person being poisoned usually doesn't know it. Thought-poison is subtle but it accomplishes "big" things. It reduces the size of our thinking by forcing us to concentrate on petty, unimportant things. It warps and twists our thinking about people because it is based on a distortion of facts, and it creates a guilt feeling in us that shows through when we meet the person we've gossiped about. Thought-poison is zero percent right thinking: it is 100 percent wrong thinking. And contrary to lots of opinion, women have no exclusive franchise on gossip. Every day many men, too, live in a partially poisoned environment.

Doodlings...

This is about the same month last year when I was feeling exactly like a crap. I checked the date, it's just 2 days delayed this year. Funny and unimaginable! Can you call it a cycle?

Are you asking me what I am talking about? Yes, of course. You have no idea... While here I am trying to soothe the burden in my chest. Anyway, I just find it weird how things are like happening over and over. Like a viscious pattern. Somehow, I wish we can just take hold of wonderful things in our hands and be the one to take control how much sadness we like to let in. If it were as simple as that...

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Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off...

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March 2 last year. I was this...

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sometimes, i'm blank. i am often bemused.

..like at this moment..
..like yesterday..
..so many things inside my head..

at the very core i am filled with emotions. just couldn't let them out.

how?!

there's really nothing to say when you don't even know what to say. (well, rather not talk than talk silly)...c'mon don't judge me now. this is my discretionary fiber.

picking up pieces of thoughts in every corner of my brain...and then dropping them again... leaving them behind as i move on to another memory of the past and memories yet to be created.

...inside my head is an unmistakeable mess. couldn't contain all the woes which are not even my own. call me a crackpot i wouldn't care. just feel me. feel for me. you must. and then judge me.

Think now.

* do you know how it is to care for people you don't even know?
* to try your hardest to love your enemies and insist on understanding them for hurting you and for them being mean?
* have any idea how it's like to put the blame on yourself for another's fault?
* you're feeling worn out but you just have to put a smile...
* how hard it is to try to fit in.
* feel like a failure when you don't seem like you belong to anything or anyone or anywhere.
* there are complexities in mirror neurons when it's often used or when it's interminably working (without your consent).

what do you think this is about?

...is this about me or yourself or the both of us?

feel for me. you must. if you have to judge me. feel me. and learn from me.

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Later by 2 days, I am like this again as last year. Believe me, it's not just about as simple as choosing to be happy. What if things around... people around won't just let you be?

I feel like the "Courtesan" in the film, "Dangerous Beauty". Absurd.