This is about the same month last year when I was feeling exactly like a crap. I checked the date, it's just 2 days delayed this year. Funny and unimaginable! Can you call it a cycle?
Are you asking me what I am talking about? Yes, of course. You have no idea... While here I am trying to soothe the burden in my chest. Anyway, I just find it weird how things are like happening over and over. Like a viscious pattern. Somehow, I wish we can just take hold of wonderful things in our hands and be the one to take control how much sadness we like to let in. If it were as simple as that...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off...
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March 2 last year. I was this...________________________________
sometimes, i'm blank. i am often bemused.
..like at this moment..
..like yesterday..
..so many things inside my head..
at the very core i am filled with emotions. just couldn't let them out.
how?!
there's really nothing to say when you don't even know what to say. (well, rather not talk than talk silly)...c'mon don't judge me now. this is my discretionary fiber.
picking up pieces of thoughts in every corner of my brain...and then dropping them again... leaving them behind as i move on to another memory of the past and memories yet to be created.
...inside my head is an unmistakeable mess. couldn't contain all the woes which are not even my own. call me a crackpot i wouldn't care. just feel me. feel for me. you must. and then judge me.
Think now.
* do you know how it is to care for people you don't even know?
* to try your hardest to love your enemies and insist on understanding them for hurting you and for them being mean?
* have any idea how it's like to put the blame on yourself for another's fault?
* you're feeling worn out but you just have to put a smile...
* how hard it is to try to fit in.
* feel like a failure when you don't seem like you belong to anything or anyone or anywhere.
* there are complexities in mirror neurons when it's often used or when it's interminably working (without your consent).
what do you think this is about?
...is this about me or yourself or the both of us?
feel for me. you must. if you have to judge me. feel me. and learn from me.
________________________________
Later by 2 days, I am like this again as last year. Believe me, it's not just about as simple as choosing to be happy. What if things around... people around won't just let you be?I feel like the "Courtesan" in the film, "Dangerous Beauty". Absurd.
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