Empty hearts and voices talking

New Year, new beginning. I just hope this applies to everyone.

I have always been the apple of gossipmongers' eyes. All my life, even when I was still too naive, they've been giving me monikers, tagged me as this and that. It didn't hurt me as much than it is hurting me now. Maybe when you grow older you get to understand how you just want to live a life. Because, in fact, nobody helped you reach where you are now. So, who gives them the right to pull you down? It isn't fair. No, life is not unfair. People are.

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

People can really be such jerks with just words. I don't understand why they are taking pleasure in meddling on another person's business. Why should they care, in the first place? It is not anymore their concern if someone's straying. What? They care? Then why the hell are they spreading rumors in stead of confronting me? Is that even caring? Is that what they call "care"? If they did care for me then they should've hurled words to my face. I'd catch each word no matter how afflictive they might be.

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love."
- Proverbs 27:5

I am upset because they're taking away my right to live. If I do this they'd say something; if I don't do this, they'd say something. Just where the hell should I place myself? I am so sick and tired that people sort of manipulating my decisions. It's sick! And it's true that we shouldn't really care so much about what other people think. How can I not? When their judging eyes won't stop dissecting what could be wrong with me... Dean is right. Their life is dull so, they're messing with somebody else's life to make their's interesting. But goodness! Making your life interesting at the expense of another?! Damn! Maybe I am not the one needing a life. Maybe it's them. Yes, it's them!

Just what is it that they want from me? What else? I lived a very lonely life already. Do they think they can even make it worse? Like what I've said in my previous post, "nothing can hurt me as much anymore". Much has been said about me. More than they can imagine. But I am invincible. And I am still keeping my faith I can go through all this.

"They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down but I will not allow
anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me...

I have learned there's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
So I won't be afraid and darkness will fade...

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down but I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach."

New year, I hope they'd find a new attitude, a new hobby, a new point of view. I hope they'd become better persons because what the world really needs are people who are pure. People who care for one another. Of course, no one is righteous, like what the Bible says. But let's just start the year right by minding our own business and not cause another's pain.

How can I not believe in things that everyone else sees?

Why does it seem that I always have to play the role of a second best? I am starting to hate it. Why can't anyone choose me for me and not because they want to be rid of someone? ...Because someone left them or they're fed up with the relationship? This is so insulting for me. I feel like I am just someone they can run to whenever they are in need of rescue. What am I -- a social worker? I feel like I am robbing a bunch of women their loved ones. It is just so frustrating. And I don't like the way it makes me feel. I feel like a crap. I feel like they're using me as an outlet or something. Can't men be man enough to commit? I don't like it that they always find a way out of what troubles they caused. And I am the accomplice. I just so despise it.

Yes, maybe I am just upset. I am saying this because I am damn upset that people can't love anymore. One time they'd tell you how much they love you and then later on after seeing the real you -- the attitudes they didn't know you have, they will just call it quits. Or if they found out that they want something else and you don't have it, they'd start treating you differently, give you less time and would make you damn insecure about yourself. And in stead of telling you up front, they'd make you guess. and girls would go like, "just what is wrong with me?" Girls would go crazy thinking what to do and try change themselves. It's just so habitual. Men just take the easiest way out. When they are broken they'd go look for some sort of entertainment at another's expense! How boorish! Insensitive freaks! (Sorry...I just feel so upset.)

I know I have no right to be rude even with words but I cannot contain this anymore. I don't understand a thing. I have so many questions running in my head and it's like I am starting to lose my sanity. For goodness sakes! Anyone tell me, Why?

I am in pain right now. I don't know what to believe. I don't know who to trust. And I am incapable of reasoning. People are full of schemes. They do things for their own advantage. For their own pleasure. For their own happiness. They don't even consider another's. How could they?

Ok, it's not right that I am generalising. Not all men are the same. But how can I not? Can anyone tell me?
There's someone I know who once loved a girl. After some time he realised he don't love the girl anymore because he couldn't put up with her despicable attitude. How can you fall out of love with someone just because of freaking attitude? I don't get it. You love someone for who they are. Without questions. That's why it's called love. If it's just infatuation or mere crush then I'd understand. Because you're just attracted to someone for physical reasons. But love is something else. Love is accepting. What if someone tells me he loves me and then after some time my ugly attitudes show? Will this someone leave me too? It's really freaking scaring the hell out of me. Nobody's perfect for goodness sakes! All of us have flaws. If people fall out of love because of something they discover...something they don't like about someone then nobody can love. Nobody is capable of loving. Nobody can be loved because of imperfection.

I found a new girl friend. She talked about pure love. She's insisting that there's no wrong in LOVE. She insisted that Love is pure. There is no fear in love. I know about it. I've read it several times in the Bible. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)...I don't understand this as clearly as I understand it now.

Pure love means loving unconditionally. Loving unconditionally means loving without conditions; Loving with all your heart. Seeing past someone's mistakes, imprefections... Who could really give this? So far, I have found none...only my mom.

Mom, she put up with my dad all her married life. She accepted all that dad had her put through. And I admire her so much for that. I know that she loved my dad unconditionally. Having seen all dad's imperfections, she loved him, stayed with him and they're still together til now. That is unconditional love. So, how can anyone say that it is impossible to love unconditionally? I think those saying this just don't have the will to do so. Love is also a choice. Someone may be hurting you but you can still choose to love them. And by loving someone with all your heart can/may cause change. Well, ideally speaking of course. But the problem nowadays, people just don't want to commit. They are just not willing to commit. Because there are so many options laying on the table. They think they can get away with things just like that. The world has given people more reasons not to stay. It is so sad.

In this culture, it is so important to find a loving relationship with someone because so much of the culture does not give you that. But the poor kids today, either they're too selfish to take part in a real loving relationship, or they rush into marriage and then six months later, they get divorced. They don't know what they want in a partner. They don't know who they are themselves--so how can they know who they're marrying?