~ My Green Room ~: I'm an exception to a rule that doesn't even exist

“We should not want to be the same as others and we should not want others to be the same as us. Rather, we ought to glory and shine in all of our differences, flaunting them fabulously for all to see! It is never a conformity that we need! We need not to conform! What we need is to burst out into all these beautiful colors!”

C. JoyBell C.

My Instagram followers change in numbers by the day. Not consistently increasing, sadly. It goes up and down. I get to have mixed emotions about it. The side of me that doesn't care about numbers makes me simply cool about it. While the side of me that is competitive and wishes to gain more followers (for unknown reasons) causes me to feel badly. My response varies. At times, I'd be so affected that I'd try to find ways to keep the numbers and make them grow. Other times I'd simply let it be. I prefer the latter, if you ask me.

I realized that no matter what I do, I can never keep what was never mine to begin with. People come and go and one of the things truly significant I learned in life is this: what God brings to me will never be taken away from me. This saves me from the pain of trying to please people just to keep them. When they wanna go, I just need to let them without needing to change who I am just so to try and make them stay. It already hurts enough to feel that I'm not accepted for who I am, why must I inflict more pain to myself just for my need to win anyone back who don't truly like me for me?

I came to a point where I started hating myself because I am not who people wish me to be. They always find something I don't have and later on dismiss me. Compare me to whoever is better for them. That hurts. And I thought if I could adjust and turn myself into someone everyone will like, then I won't need to be dissed all the time. Sadly, it doesn't go that way. Because reality is, people are never satisfied. They are in constant search for what gratifies their need. And they have endless list of needs and wants. They even confuse the two.

After years of frustration because I came to dislike myself, too, wisdom dawned on me (finally) that every person on Earth is created by God and He designed them uniquely for His very purpose. God designed me this way because I have a role to play. And because I lived allowing people redefining me, I failed to do my role in the lives of people God placed in my path. My identity was so messed up I didn't know who I was. I had to be what people wanted me to be that I lost my individuality. All because I needed to gain their favor else I'll lose them. I was hankering for approval. I wanted to be liked. And I'd do anything and everything to be embraced. Yet, people embraced not me as a whole but just when their needs are met.

It drained me, eventually, til I dropped the fight. I gave up. I cannot keep losing the person that I am because people are discontent with who I am and what I offer. Sooner or later, the demands will get tougher and I'd be wearing hundreds and thousands of masks that the real me becomes buried in the thick layers of identities that aren't me. So, I resolved to let off all the masks and simply be me. Take me or leave me, I'll be fine.

It's strangling when people dictate how you should be. How they want to be treated. How they want to be loved. How they want to be appreciated. How they want you to keep adjusting so that they have reasons to keep you. Of all the good you've done, just one dissatisfaction is enough for them to dump you. Funny how this line comes out of people's lips, "I accept you for who you are" yet entitlement leads them out the door. The acceptance is only as good as when they're gratified. Long as their needs are being met.

This line seriously makes me cringe especially coming from brothers and sisters in Christ---"I gave everything, done everything. I deserve much more than this. Enough is enough." And I'd be a hypocrite if I will say I never said this line (or even thought of it, at all) in my life, though, I was never the goodbye type of person, because I take people for who they are in the best way I can. It's not always easy. But, I go by the teachings of the Word. But, I'd be lying if I will deny I've never said the line. Because I, too, am susceptible to entitlement. Works make people entitled. We all think we DESERVE things because we worked hard to get them. So, we treat people that way, too. We treat them like some robots that should follow every demand we have because of what we did for them. This makes us entitled. It's such a vicious cycle we end up doing things for others in hopes of returns. And when we find them not good enough investment, we dump them.

Am not making a drama out of the numbers of my IG followers, please don't get me wrong. That's too shallow. Who cares? Social media is nothing but superficial. Everything is mostly facade. But it caused me to contemplate on how much people (myself included) work hard to be liked. And even if they don't admit it, act as if it does not matter, deep down it does. It affects every single one of us in a way we aren't aware. It influences our confidence, our response to people (esp to those we assume don't like us), our mood, attitude, and finally our character. Because one of the basic needs of man is to belong. And when we're made to feel not accepted, a part of us shatters. This is because God created all us for fellowship. With Him, and with people. And together we fellowship with Him.

It's an absolute Truth that we're created for fellowship. And because of this reason we innately have this longing for acceptance and belongingness. At first, I thought this reason should make me more persevering in unity. To work harder so that I will be liked. To keep changing and adjusting for the sake of fellowship. One wisdom I learned from Jesus is that, He knows who are His people. Everyone who God sent Him comes to Him and sticks with Him. He remained Who He is regardless of the numbers He might lose. He DID lose a lot! Significantly lots. He said what He had to say even if it means people turning away from Him. Even if it will cost Him enemies. He didn't bother what people will say. He held on to His humanity and purpose.

Of course, I don't mean to say that we are not to change ourselves even if our behavior is already harming others. We are called to be like Christ. God wants us to be better. He wants us to improve so that we may be able to fulfill our calling. So that we can do the good God has planned for us to do. We all have flaws and imperfections. But these don't need to be harmful to others if only we'll let God teach us how to live according to His standard of living. My being bratty sometimes will be of use in certain situations but it needs to be controlled. I am not to allow that side of me to control me. This is a picture of how God accepts and allows my humanity, while working in me to become like His Son Jesus. Making evident the Fruit of the Holy Spirit present in me. I don't need to change my being squeamish because of fear that people will dislike and judge me. But I will certainly need to make adjustments so that I can do the ministry God has called me for. Yet, this even is not gonna depend on my own ability and strength, but it will be with the help of Jesus through the Holy Spirit.

I am often tempted to stray away from the seriousness of my posts in all my Cyber Hideouts for the sake of numbers. For the sake of followers, esp that I am aiming to promote my charity movement. I remember how when I was still making rather grumpy and narcissistic posts that I gained more readers and followers. Sometimes I get to think that it won't hurt if I gear a lil to the side that appeals to my audience. But, something in me already changed dramatically. I am not anymore for numbers, nor for competitions, nor for popularity. Not that I was for these things before. Guess I just don't really see, at all, how it's going to add to my value as a human being if I aim for these things. So, the heck if the numbers fluctuate! What I should be concerned more is how I can enlighten the people God placed in my life and how to make a difference in a world that makes everyone conform to its standard. ^_^