I lived too much in my head instead of the real world.

Has it ever occurred to you why you do the things you do? You work everyday. You work hard. I know a lotta people who are simply good at what they do. Expert. Connoisseur. And they still want to become better. Best. Some have achieved sooo many things not common to majority. There are those who have traveled much of the planet. At first, you'd be amazed. It's really impressive. But, at the end of the day, you'd ask "are they really happy?"

I believe it's not what we do, what we achieve, how far we have reached, what places have we gone to ... that makes us happy. Am convinced it's the meaning behind all these things. The purpose. The motive. Are we doing what we're doing because it makes us happy OR we're happy that's why we're doing what we're doing? 

Am reminded of the question, "what drives you?" It's worth the thinking, right? Hmmmm... I work hard to... blah blah blah... and those are my purpose. How about my goal? *at wits end* Well, am simply not a planner. I don't plan my life. I have strong desires, of course...like, I want to reach out to the homeless. Provide them a shelter. Educate them and give them livelihood. It's also my strong desire to give my grannies a comfy and convenient life in their old age. Because I love them. Does that mean I love the homeless, too? I sooo love my Lolo and my Lola that's why there's this strong desire to provide them a better life now that they're very old (in their 80s). But, what could be the reason for my desire to do what I said I wanna do for the homeless? What drives me?

When I was still active doing the feeding program I started as an activity a few years back, I felt a sense of fulfillment  in doing that kind of work. It kinda gave me sense of worth, which I never felt even after I had achieved so many wonderful things. NOT when I became a consistent Dean's Lister. NOT when I appeared on some TV programs. NOT when I was cast-ed in a movie. NOT when I (unbelievably) was able to make it to modeling. NOT when I was awarded for having done an exemplary performance when I joined the corporate world. NOT when (again unbelievably) started a biz (am totally not a business person!). NOT when I earned my first seven digits. Just to name a few or you might think I composed this entry to brag. *sticks out tongue* 

If there was anything I felt having achieved these things, I would say it's rather PRIDE. I was, of course, proud of myself. But, that's just about it. So what? And, I know that there are a lot more others who have achieved more than I did. 

But, there's something about sense of fulfillment. Being proud of what I have achieved only makes me wanna want MORE. It gives a longing to grab, grab and grab. I gotta overtake my previous achievement. I hafta think "what's next?" It's like a long list of TO DOs. And tomorrow, there's more.  There's still more that life offers. I wanna go to Sweden. I will grab an iPad 2 Gold History Edition. I will buy the 2009 Lamborghini Murcielago. I will try the 12 inch “Pizza Royale 007". I will carry a Mouawad's 1001 Nights Diamond Purse. I will wear a pair of Gucci Woven leather boots. And even if I already have these things, I will still want more. Am feeding my pride. And in order to keep feeding it, I am driven to do more. Work more. 

It's funny how we yearn to have certain things and when we already have them, it seems we don't want them anymore. I can't believe how Samsung i900 Omnia (this is my high-end gadget til now) is now nothing but a thing of the past. It isn't as desirable as it used to be when it was first released. How many gadgets have been released since? And, people just can't be satisfied. Now, there are what they call Tablets. I haven't even educated myself about the iPhone (4s, 4, 3GS) and the iPod (nano, shuffle, touch, classic)! Ok, ok...am not a gadget person, but still! I mean, we want a thing now and then we don't want it anymore later because there are still so many to grab. Lust of the eye!

I look at the stack of shoes in my room and I can't feel any sense of fulfillment having them when I bought them with my hard earned money. I don't even get to use them cause I am so loyal to one pair of shoes I wear almost ALWAYS. Those who observed prolly have in their hearts to give me a new pair, if you know what I mean. But, that's my point. NOTHING satisfies. And, things simply wear off. It's just a matter of time.

Reminds me of these lines found in Ecclesiastes 2...

But then I looked at everything I had done and the wealth I had gained. I decided it was all a waste of time! It was like trying to catch the wind. There is nothing to gain from anything we do in this life.

I began to hate all the hard work I had done, because I saw that the people who live after me would get the things that I worked for. I will not be able to take them with me. Some other person will control everything I worked and studied for. And I don’t know if that person will be wise or foolish. This is also senseless.

So I became sad about all the work I had done. People can work hard using all their wisdom and knowledge and skill. But they will die and other people will get the things they worked for. They did not do the work, but they will get everything. That makes me very sad. It is also not fair and is senseless.

What do people really have after all their work and struggling in this life?  Throughout their life, they have pain, frustrations, and hard work. Even at night, a person’s mind does not rest. This is also senseless. (ETRv)

    

Am not saying there's anything wrong with acquiring things. That's not what I meant. Like what the same author wrote in chapter 3...

I learned that the best thing for people to do is to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live. God wants everyone to eat, drink, and enjoy their work. These are gifts from God. (ETRv)

I guess, it's better if we start asking ourselves why do we do the things we do? Why do we want as many accomplishments? Are we getting sense of fulfillment out of these things? Can we say to ourselves... alone in our rooms ...without any spectator... that we're truly happy? That we have joy and peace in our hearts? 

More from the book of Ecclesiastes...

Then I thought, “Why do people work so hard?” I saw people try to succeed and be better than other people. They do this because they are jealous. They don’t want other people to have more than they have. This is senseless. It is like trying to catch the wind.

 Some people say, “It is foolish to fold your hands and do nothing. If you don’t work, you will starve to death.” Maybe that is true. But I say it is better to be satisfied with the few things you have than to always be struggling to get more.

Those who love money will never be satisfied with the money they have. Those who love wealth will not be satisfied when they get more and more. This is also senseless.

People work and work to feed themselves, but they are never satisfied. It is better to be happy with what you have than to always want more and more. Always wanting more and more is useless. It is like trying to catch the wind. (ETRv)

Some more things worth thinking ... Why do I want what I want? Why do I want MORE? What can satisfy me? What is enough for me?

So many questions! Oh, but these questions will reveal what's truly in our hearts.



Gotta sign off now. Toodle-oo!