A time for reflection.

Night of 28th of this month, just two days ago, I was placed in a situation where the condition of my heart was revealed in full view. I was, myself, surprised. Wasn't expecting I could react that way. Where did that come from? Lotsa thoughts came into me. In my mind, I was tracing the root. There was fury, rage, and evident violence. Not that I was incapable of control. I believe twas a choice.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. [Proverbs 29:11]

Yes, I repented and admitted to God that same night how a fool I was having given full vent to my anger. I wallowed in my emotions, that's my wrong. How many times have I given myself into excuses that it's my right to be human? "It's ok, because just like everyone else, I have feelings." "Someone wronged me and I simply reacted."

...and I know this is a battle. The injected lie has to be removed from my system. How I miss the "me" I used to know. But, I thank God for I am covered with an assurance that it's not what I can do but what Christ has already done for me that matters. Indeed, "His mercies and compassion are new every morning."

I found myself powerless left alone to myself. Without God's saving grace, I am reduced to nothing. That situation humbled me. I realized how true it is that "we are all work-in-progress". Knowledge is different from living what you know. Doesn't matter how much you know, in fact, but how involuntarily it reflects in your life -- the way you speak, act, react, etc. It's like you know first-aid and when you're brought into a situation where you need to use that knowledge, you resolve to evade. It's not how much you know of the Bible that counts. It's how you practice what you know in ANY given situation.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. [Luke 6:45]

And how the Holy Spirit was convicting me at that very moment. My flesh was just too impervious to heed, however. I simply wanna be in that emotion. "Wait, this is my moment. Let me be." Makes me wonder why people just wanna wallow in their hurt. Why was I not able to let go right away? I was very aware that the Holy Spirit was already correcting me, but I can't understand why the pull from the flesh side was stronger.

If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. [Luke 9:23]

This verse plays in mind most of the time. "Yeah, I know...deny myself, but..." I was just sooo yielding to my emotions. Excuses seem to be such justifiable rhyme or reason. For no apparent reason, I simply just wanna feel the emotion and be in it. Guess it's human nature. We know there isn't any good in staying angry. We know that we should just let go of baggage. We know things but we simply don't wanna do anything about them. I dunno if twas more convenient to let my emotions rule over me. Can't remember anything else but the time when I was already alone. How I was so disappointed with myself. How I regretted I had said so many harsh words.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. [James 3:9]

Only after everything was over that I came back to my senses. hmmmm...it shouldn't be said this way, actually. Because I was AWARE what was happening. I was fully aware that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. Guess we all become deaf when selfishness sets in.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry... [James 3:10]

I was too quick to listen in that situation, by the way. I was actually provoked. The argument didn't start from me. I did my part in speaking slowly by explaining my side. For whatever reason, the other person involved kept on egging me on. I was trying to keep cool until the trigger word was uttered. And, I failed to do the last instruction.

Am so tempted to say, I tried to be "slow to become angry, but..." No, am not gonna give any more excuse. I know where I failed. I shouldn't have lived in the flesh.

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. [Romans 8:5-8]

To live in the spirit is not really mystical, in fact. It's more of obedience. You hear a small voice inside instructing you what to do. You either follow it or ignore it. It's a choice. A decision.

I'd often share that we are just God's vessels and our captain is not ourselves but Christ. He knows what's best for us so He guides us and tells us what to do. But, we want to be at the helm. We rather be our own captain. We want to use our autopilot. So, we often fail and crash.

My heart broke big time knowing that not only did I hurt the feelings of another person, I also offended God. I failed in that test.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7:14:20]

First time I fully understood this years back, I realized that there really is a battle. Most of the time, we know. We want to do what's good. Only we can't carry it out as naturally. Often, it requires great effort. And, last Monday night I was reminded of the verses again. No matter how calm I already was within during the next few minutes of mouthing off, I simply can't drop the matter. I still can't step out of that scene. I felt like I was waiting for the feeling to totally be gone before I can fully be appeased. I know it's crazy. I was actually telling myself this. I was being ridiculous. But, there was this urge to take advantage while supplies last! As if it's anything beneficial. It's totally against my will to remain rude and harsh, yet there's this feel of redress in doing it. I can definitely relate to what the apostle Paul said, "...I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."  

The other person may not know. It might not be obvious that there's an inner desire in me to just drop the matter. But, God sees my heart. He was witness to everything. I can only be thankful that God looks at the heart. Am sorry, though, that I failed to carry out my Christian duty.

...for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. [James 1:20]

Indeed! I was so ashamed of myself. Funny thing is, I just wrote a blog where I said, I choose to love different. I failed to do so. Geesh!

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. " [Romans 12:19]

So, next time someone incites me again... I'll make sure am wearing the full armor of God. I'll remember that I must deny myself -- my hurt, my right, my opinion... -- and not be too concerned however people take pleasure in touching me off. God alone vindicates me. He is to avenge for me as He see fit.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. [2 Corinthians 9:8]

I always forget that God has been overly gracious to me. He has already put good deposits in my heart. My duty is to cultivate them. Use them for His glory.

Still, am thankful that that night happened. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been refreshed. There wouldn't be any revelation or alarm. I would never be aware that I need to keep watch. Truly, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." [Romans 8:28]