Why doesn't anybody love me? Doesn't anybody care about Sid the sloth?

God has been very good to me. And am not saying this only because it's a Sunday. I feel so blessed that HE is working in me. With all the pressures, stress, problems I encounter daily, I still can feel HIS love and there's joy inside my heart. Have realised so many things and am overwhelmed with so much gratitude that HE's been helping me get out from the bondage I got myself into.

I used to believe so many myths related to Christianity. I never fully understood the extent of HIS love for me, but HE kept reaching out to me and told me to not be harsh on myself. I can never be anything more than a human -- capable of committing mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I've always known this but I kept trying to meet perfection, although at the back of my head, I've always belived that only excellence is what I can reach.

Growing up with criticism is tough. Have said this a few times before in this blog how my Dad had been such a critic to me. Appreciating nothing about me. Not even the greatest of my achievements. But, it doesn't end just there. Around me were people who looked at me with the same critical eyes. Every move was censured. I do this, there's judgment. I do that, another judgment. What tough luck, almost everyone I met along my journey was finding fault in me. To the point when I started doubting myself, "am I still true to myself? ... am I really this way or am only acting just to escape another negative remark?"

I've always believed that when you're kind, pleasant, nice, generous to others, you're safe. They will reciprocate the same good treatment. Thought those are reasons enough to be at peace with everyone. I was so wrong. People have too many issues. They never run out of something to say. Some would deem you as phoney. Would talk behind your back and would crush your repute. Some would accuse you of having ulterior motive. Some would treat you the exact opposite. Some would abuse or take advantage, but behind your back would talk ill of you. This I can't decipher. Where is the truth in the golden rule?

Indeed, "mine's a life with more questions than answers."

There are too many things I don't understand. Why did my parents have to make me a good person? I used to be a spoiled brat. Stubborn. My turning point happened at a very young age. I used to be bad, bratty and only cared about what I wanted. There was this girl classmate of mine back in nursery (yes, that young) who wanted to be my friend. She went wherever I was. She wanted to belong but I didn't like her. I can't remember what my reason was, but I didn't want her as a friend. One day, she kept talking to me as we walked to our classroom trying to get my attention. I got really annoyed and pushed her away. She fell on the ground. But, unlike the bratty kids I see on movies, I didn't feel good with what I did. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I couldn't believe the evil thing I did. When I was back to my senses, I gave her my hand and helped her out.

I don't anymore remember her name. Not even her face. But, I will never forget how I had been to her when she was only being nice to me. I hope to meet her again so I can tell her how GOD used her to change my heart.

Since then, I strived not to hurt anyone's feelings. I know, this sounds rather exaggerrated. How can a kid think this way? I won't insist if you rather doubt the truth of this story, but this was my turning point. I told myself I will never do anything that would hurt another. This was with the help of the environment I grew up in (a Baptist School).

This brings me to another question... "now that I am a nice person, why is everybody hurting me?"

...and to another... "why can't they treat me the same way as I treat them?"

...and to another... "why are they mean to good-natured people and kind to those who can't do anything good?"

...and to another... "what is the golden rule for?"

...and to a lot more... endless questions.

Yeah, I sound so naive. I am. My left foot is still on the field of innocence. Too many things I don't understand about the world. Truth is, the world is such a wonder to me. Too many ironies. Too many injustices. It's true what says in the Bible (a king's observation), "This is all I have learned: GOD made us plain and simple, but we have made ourselves very complicated - Ecclesiastes 7:29."

My most favorite book in the Bible is Proverbs. I can't be self-righteous and say I have followed every teachings I learned from that book, but, I strived. Teachings like, "Help your brother and he will protect you like a strong city wall, but if you quarrel with him, he will close his doors to you." I probably have not done this all the time, but I helped a number of people but they closed their doors to me still. Now, you don't have to tell me another verse in the Bible to tell me I should never expect anything in return. I never. I only hope to be treated properly. Don't hurt me purposely. Is that too hard as a return?

This does not mean I am working so hard on following all the Bible rules (like a complete fanatic). It's more of complete change of heart and thanks to that girl from my vivid memory of nursery -- I turned into a person with a heart of sincere compassion. But, with how people have treated me so far, I feel there must be something wrong with me. I can't help but question, "am I truly sincere? Why do they see me as phoney? Why do they do me bad?" ...and there goes another list of questions.

I sound weird or depressive or bitter... you're thinking? You hafta hear my stories first before you start judging my words. Or better yet, be in my shoes. I am talking by experience.

All these make me nothing but frustrated. Everywhere seems to be wrong way.

But, GOD, HE understood my dilemma. HE saw my struggles. HE acknowledge I can never be anything more than myself. HE expects nothing higher than what I can do. And it's such a liberating experience to know that I don't have to be harsh on myself. I don't have to blame myself all the time for every person that treated me bad. It's not always my fault. HE embraced me and told me, "struggle no more".

GOD works in ways so divine. My questions may never find answers in my lifetime. They may even multiply by the day. Who cares? Now that I have an understanding of GOD's assurance, I can still go on, if not totally freed from injustice, at least, I can put my faith in HIM that I am not alone and if no one can see the small and big things I do, there is HIM. Praise GOD.

Happy Sunday, all.