A time for reflection.

Night of 28th of this month, just two days ago, I was placed in a situation where the condition of my heart was revealed in full view. I was, myself, surprised. Wasn't expecting I could react that way. Where did that come from? Lotsa thoughts came into me. In my mind, I was tracing the root. There was fury, rage, and evident violence. Not that I was incapable of control. I believe twas a choice.

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. [Proverbs 29:11]

Yes, I repented and admitted to God that same night how a fool I was having given full vent to my anger. I wallowed in my emotions, that's my wrong. How many times have I given myself into excuses that it's my right to be human? "It's ok, because just like everyone else, I have feelings." "Someone wronged me and I simply reacted."

...and I know this is a battle. The injected lie has to be removed from my system. How I miss the "me" I used to know. But, I thank God for I am covered with an assurance that it's not what I can do but what Christ has already done for me that matters. Indeed, "His mercies and compassion are new every morning."

I found myself powerless left alone to myself. Without God's saving grace, I am reduced to nothing. That situation humbled me. I realized how true it is that "we are all work-in-progress". Knowledge is different from living what you know. Doesn't matter how much you know, in fact, but how involuntarily it reflects in your life -- the way you speak, act, react, etc. It's like you know first-aid and when you're brought into a situation where you need to use that knowledge, you resolve to evade. It's not how much you know of the Bible that counts. It's how you practice what you know in ANY given situation.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. [Luke 6:45]

And how the Holy Spirit was convicting me at that very moment. My flesh was just too impervious to heed, however. I simply wanna be in that emotion. "Wait, this is my moment. Let me be." Makes me wonder why people just wanna wallow in their hurt. Why was I not able to let go right away? I was very aware that the Holy Spirit was already correcting me, but I can't understand why the pull from the flesh side was stronger.

If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. [Luke 9:23]

This verse plays in mind most of the time. "Yeah, I know...deny myself, but..." I was just sooo yielding to my emotions. Excuses seem to be such justifiable rhyme or reason. For no apparent reason, I simply just wanna feel the emotion and be in it. Guess it's human nature. We know there isn't any good in staying angry. We know that we should just let go of baggage. We know things but we simply don't wanna do anything about them. I dunno if twas more convenient to let my emotions rule over me. Can't remember anything else but the time when I was already alone. How I was so disappointed with myself. How I regretted I had said so many harsh words.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. [James 3:9]

Only after everything was over that I came back to my senses. hmmmm...it shouldn't be said this way, actually. Because I was AWARE what was happening. I was fully aware that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. Guess we all become deaf when selfishness sets in.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry... [James 3:10]

I was too quick to listen in that situation, by the way. I was actually provoked. The argument didn't start from me. I did my part in speaking slowly by explaining my side. For whatever reason, the other person involved kept on egging me on. I was trying to keep cool until the trigger word was uttered. And, I failed to do the last instruction.

Am so tempted to say, I tried to be "slow to become angry, but..." No, am not gonna give any more excuse. I know where I failed. I shouldn't have lived in the flesh.

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. [Romans 8:5-8]

To live in the spirit is not really mystical, in fact. It's more of obedience. You hear a small voice inside instructing you what to do. You either follow it or ignore it. It's a choice. A decision.

I'd often share that we are just God's vessels and our captain is not ourselves but Christ. He knows what's best for us so He guides us and tells us what to do. But, we want to be at the helm. We rather be our own captain. We want to use our autopilot. So, we often fail and crash.

My heart broke big time knowing that not only did I hurt the feelings of another person, I also offended God. I failed in that test.

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7:14:20]

First time I fully understood this years back, I realized that there really is a battle. Most of the time, we know. We want to do what's good. Only we can't carry it out as naturally. Often, it requires great effort. And, last Monday night I was reminded of the verses again. No matter how calm I already was within during the next few minutes of mouthing off, I simply can't drop the matter. I still can't step out of that scene. I felt like I was waiting for the feeling to totally be gone before I can fully be appeased. I know it's crazy. I was actually telling myself this. I was being ridiculous. But, there was this urge to take advantage while supplies last! As if it's anything beneficial. It's totally against my will to remain rude and harsh, yet there's this feel of redress in doing it. I can definitely relate to what the apostle Paul said, "...I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."  

The other person may not know. It might not be obvious that there's an inner desire in me to just drop the matter. But, God sees my heart. He was witness to everything. I can only be thankful that God looks at the heart. Am sorry, though, that I failed to carry out my Christian duty.

...for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. [James 1:20]

Indeed! I was so ashamed of myself. Funny thing is, I just wrote a blog where I said, I choose to love different. I failed to do so. Geesh!

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. " [Romans 12:19]

So, next time someone incites me again... I'll make sure am wearing the full armor of God. I'll remember that I must deny myself -- my hurt, my right, my opinion... -- and not be too concerned however people take pleasure in touching me off. God alone vindicates me. He is to avenge for me as He see fit.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. [2 Corinthians 9:8]

I always forget that God has been overly gracious to me. He has already put good deposits in my heart. My duty is to cultivate them. Use them for His glory.

Still, am thankful that that night happened. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been refreshed. There wouldn't be any revelation or alarm. I would never be aware that I need to keep watch. Truly, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." [Romans 8:28]

Love and relationships are supposed to make people better.

I'd often say, "relationships are hard to handle". And, I believe that when a person has too many friends, (s)he don't really have a genuine one. Why? Because if we can't even maintain a good relationship with a family member or the closest friend we have because of their flaws and all, how much more that many? Too many irrational conduct to put up with. We'd even often complain about certain behavior of a friend. And, when they touch a vulnerable part of us, we simply dump them as if they'd never done us anything right. Then, bland things will be said about them from our very own mouth. It's that convenient to spread around tattles to even the score. Only for one offense, which could be, in fact, only our own perspective, we can easily vilify them. A terrible habit of injuring another being only because we are too coward to fix misunderstanding through proper communication. How vicious.

"You have to walk on eggshells for people because that’s about how strong they are these days. And you can’t confront people, because if you do, that brittle shell of confidence will crack. So we all become passive cowards that carry a fake smile wherever we go." 

...Makes me sad.

But, I am choosing to be different. To love different. If a relationship matters to me, I will make a choice to be true to it. Whatever that may be, which I don't like about another...whatever a person might have done, which hurt me...they will know or hear directly from me. An effort will be made to salvage the friendship. Whatever it takes. Ridiculous as it sounds. May appear unpopular even, but I will. My stand is this: relationship is of high importance to God. If it isn't, He couldn't have sent Jesus to suffer here on Earth and die the way He did just because GOD wants to restore our relationship with Him and with His people. If relationship isn't important to God, I don't think there's any warrant for the tolerance and patience He extends to us everyday for our small and big failings. In fact, we always make a choice to hurt Him. We know what hurts Him, but we can simply shrug off the idea that we shouldn't hurt Him. Yet, we do, with our decisions. The wonderful thing is, He also makes a choice EVERY SECOND to forgive and let go of the pain we cause Him. And, the more amazing thing is this... He knows exactly what we're gonna do the next moment... He knows we'll fail... He knows we're gonna hurt Him again... He knows how wicked we are inside... He knows who we really are... Be that as it may, He still accepts us, forgives us, and loves us.

If I will have to find a reason why I should deny myself and my own rights merely to save a relationship with another person, it is more than enough motivation that God shows me how by unconditionally loving me. Undeserving as I am.

People find it hard to forgive when the person who hurt them never apologized or never proved to be repentant. What I have in mind is... when God forgave all my sins... when He thought of restoring His relationship with me by sacrificing an innocent man... He didn't wait nor expect that I apologize first. He just did. Now, why must I require anyone to utter the word "sorry" before I can forgive? It used to be hard, I must admit. But I realized it's effortless to do anything if I live under God's grace. Whenever I look at the cross, I am humbled. For the truth is, I am not worthy of love, especially, not the kind of love that God readily gives me.

What I do is, I'd always look at my state. The real condition of my heart. Who I truly am behind the closet. I see things about me nobody else knows but God. Then, it sinks in to me how God always have to put up with who I am. He never said, "I don't like you anymore", nor did He just stay far away and have nothing to do with me. He can always opt to. In stead, He showers me with more love and compassion. He sees my state and He offers me a new self so I can become beautiful from ugly...fragrant from stinky. So, I tell myself... LOVE makes everything beautiful. If we only learn to love one another, we can have this strong desire to beautify each other. We see a crack, but we don't walk away. An urge within drives us to adorn our brother until the crack is fully covered.

Although, we are unsightly in God's eyes because of our sins, He still sees the beautiful in us. And, I believe that the very reason why there's such a thing as LOVE is so that beauty will be seen in us. LOVE doesn't make us blind to the disagreeable. It just covers the bad, the ugly, so we can only experience the good and the pleasing.  

In a world full of noise, silence has always been my sanctuary...

“But some people are broken. They don't know anything other than hatred... It's like their heart gets going in the wrong direction early on in life, and they can never quite manage to bring it back around to love. It's a sad thing and we should have compassion for them. Think of the joy they are missing in life.”  

― Tess Hilmo, With a Name like Love

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Words like this helps strengthen me. Be more compassionate. People need it. But, it's tough. Yet, the Word reminds me, "Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." [Ephesians 5:1&2]  And, it's not MY strength after all. "...be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." [Ephesians 6:10] 

Oh, and whatever our current situation may be, there are so many things to be thankful for. It's a matter of perspective. I don't bite at situation comparison, btw.  The "at least I still have something to eat..." kind of excuse. Doesn't work for me. I understand that people have their own tolerance threshold. What hurts me may not hurt you. And, what you find unbearable may be petty for me. I believe that it's all about renewing the mind. When we get our focus off our own concerns, we'll come to an understanding that we only need to allow God to carry us. And that is something to be thankful for.  

So, am looking forward to another beautiful day. If beauty won't be obvious, I'll ask God to give me eyes to see it and heart to appreciate it.

Reminds me of this classic children's song. Sometimes it helps when we relive our childhood, agree?

Show me, Lord, what You want me to be. *big smile*

"Rules from the Cradle"

I wish it rained, rather, in the afternoon and not in the evening. But, am still thankful it did rain. So, I went to the mall and spent the entire evening at a bookstore. Photographed a few books I wanna read and wanna finish reading soon.And I so love this one...

I found the guy's online scribblings and it's as enjoyable to read. Just sharing. 

Am not really in a good mood to touch-type my thoughts tonight, so I'll just share the rest of the readings I've had. I was given this "prophecy" that I should be going back to my first love ― writing ― so, am trying my best to add numbers to my monthly posts. My first for this month. Hurray! 

Here goes my "plagiarism"...

“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself…

Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant!

When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”

 ―From someone called Osho

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The Rules

One, if you’re afraid to fight, then you’ll never win. 

Two, in times of tragedy and turmoil, you’ll learn who your true friends are. Treasure them because they are few and far between. 

Three, know your enemies, and never become your own worst one. 

Four, be grateful for those enemies. They will keep you honest and ever striving to better yourself. 

Five, listen to all good advice, but never substitute someone else’s judgment for your own. 

Six, all men and women lie. But never lie to yourself. 

Seven, many will flatter you. Befriend the ones who don’t, for they will remind you that you’re human and not infallible. 

Eight, never fear the truth. It’s the lies that will destroy you. 

Nine, your worst decisions will always be those that are made out of fear. Think all matters through with a clear head. 

Ten, your mistakes won’t define you, but your memories, good and bad, will. 

Eleven, be grateful for your mistakes as they will tell you who and what you’re not. 

Twelve, don’t be afraid to examine the past, it’s how you learn what you don’t want to do again. 

Thirteen, there’s a lot to be said for not knowing better. 

Fourteen, all men die. Not everyone lives. 

Fifteen, on your deathbed, your greatest regrets will be what you didn’t do. 

Sixteen, don’t be afraid to love. Yes, it’s a weakness that can be used against you. But it’s also a source of the greatest strength you will ever know. 

Seventeen, the past is history written in stone that can’t be altered. The future is transitory and never guaranteed. Today is the only thing you can change for certain. Have the courage to do so and make the most of it because it could be all you’ll ever have. 

Eighteen, you can be in a crowd, surrounded by people, and still be lonely. 

Nineteen, love all, regardless of what they do. Trust only those you have to. Harm none until they harm you.

And twenty… Never be afraid to kill or destroy your enemies. They won’t hesitate to kill or destroy you.

―  Darling Cruel, Sherilyn Kenyon

Bear with me til next time.


Toodle-oo!