"If you love ME, love my rag dolls." - GOD

Sure we all desire so many things. This includes love. The very person we so wish will be with us forever. We desire strongly out of this longing inside. From this desire springs a lot more other things such as expectations, pain, disappointments...blah blah blah. Once, you thought if you only have this person (or something) in your life, you'll be happy. You never stop wanting, desiring, longing. Until one day, the person's (or the thing's) yours. Of course, at first, everything's fine and dandy. Butterflies and rainbows. Mostly sunny days. But, there'll always be storm. It will always come just when we least expect it. You probably have this in mind. You're prepared, no doubt. Why not? You operate with so much love. Just, little by little though, the other person whom you thought shares the same feelings with you don't operate with the same amount of love to your surprise. The relationship gets shaky. You try hard to hold it. To hold on. With all your strength. The love that once made you extremely happy is now causing you so much agony.

We keep asking GOD the question, "why?" "Why do I have to suffer?" "Why does it ache so bad?" We look else where for someone or something to blame without realizing that it is "our own selves" that caused us all these. It is our CHOICE.

This is what happens when GOD allows us to receive what we desire. He makes us realize how what we so yearn for can't truly make us happy. Happiness can't be found anywhere, in fact. It is within (if we are under HIS grace and love). If only we don't try to look for happiness outside of ourselves and just be happy who we are and what we have. Be content. Wait for GOD's perfect timing. We'll all be surprised at how right HE has always been.

Thing is, we all are unlovable. No matter how lovable you may look from outside, there are still so many things inside that can appear unlovable to others, eventually. (Just consider the number of broken relationships. What could've caused them?) In fact, looks will fade. One day, you'll also be unlovable. And it is in our unlovable condition that we, actually, long to be loved. NOT when we're lovable. It's easy to give love to lovable people. We all sneer at those we find unpleasant without realizing that we are, ourselves, less than lovable in the eyes of GOD. But, HE loves us, anyhow. Only GOD can look at our ragged selves with so much love and compassion. HE sees our thoughts and feelings. How we scheme against another. How we murder an innocent person with our minds. How we mess with our enemies' (sometimes even friends') reputations. All these HE sees. Yet, HE loves us still.

While watching the movie, "the Invention of Lying" one Monday afternoon, I thought, what I truly desire is to be loved in my unlovable state. Not when I am calm, patient and all the wonderful traits I have. I want to be loved more when am angry, depressed, irrational, dumb, careless...blah blah blah. I desire to hear, "I love you" just when I have done something terrible. Because this is just the time I need it. This is just the test how much one loves me. NOT when I am easy to love. How divine it would be if a "Mark Bellison" comes to me and sees me just as I am with all my bluntness & cruel remarks, and yet sees through me. Sees beyond my external. Anna McDoogles kept throwing him all the nasty comments he needed to hear. Enough to keep him away. But, he sees the unlovable in her without denying it and loves her still. She learned to love him back later on in the movie as she learned what it means to look beyond someone's appearance.

GOD loves us this way. He loves us so that even we're unworthy, ragged, wicked...HE still wants us. HE's still searching for us and wanting us to come back home to HIM. You probably have had people who professed their love for you and yet when you're at your worst left and never came back. Or, you left and they never searched for you. But, GOD, HE is the ultimate definition of LOVE. HE loves beyond reason. We never gave HIM any reason for HIM to love us. We don't even make enough effort; but, HE loves us just the same. Truly, in this world, we'll keep searching and searching for people, for things we think can make us happy. Can make us feel loved. But, it is ONLY GOD who can give us this kind of love and happiness.

I am always challenged by GOD to love others the same way. HE exposes to me how unlovable I am, yet HE loves me more and more. HE taught me that it is easy to love others, even the unlovable, when one experiences undeserved love. GOD has placed a tag price on each one of us. HE bought us for a price by sacrificing HIS only SON, JESUS CHRIST, as substitute for our sins. For yours and mine. If we only see how valuable each person is in HIS eyes, we'll probably see everyone valuable and precious, too.

We can never truly find happiness if we keep looking at imperfections. We should see imperfections right in the eye but we have to see it with love. We have to see someone's brokenness in order that we understand that all people are just like us...most of the time, broken. We, each one, fail. Almost always. If we are gracious in giving ourselves tolerance, then, why not give tolerance graciously to our fellowmen? We chase the wrong things. We keep asking and asking but are not willing to give. We demand that we be given happiness but we don't even take the responsibility to be good gifts to others. In stead, we hurt others. Sometimes, we hurt unintentionally, yet, don't feel any sorry at all. Apathy.

This is so sad.

I desire to be loved in my raggedness. Therefore, I must give love in spite of other's raggedness. GOD calls us to love HIM and HIS people (Matthew 22:36-40). It's a package deal.

"Our only business is to love & delight ourselves in God."

What we need to understand is that we're created to do good (Ephesians 2:10). We are commanded to consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). Our walk should not be influenced by selfishness. Otherwise, we'll find the 2nd greatest commandment -- 'Love your neighbor as yourself' -- hard to do.

Growing up, I thought I have already learned and actually practicing selflessness. I exerted so much effort following the things the Bible clearly instructs people must do. I found it easy, actually. Not for anything but I recently realized why -- I was less selfish when I was younger. Obeying was like taking candy from a baby. Trusting was effortless. I trusted that all what my parents commanded are beneficial for me without asking questions. So, there's almost always no hesitancy or refusal to follow. Whenever I felt I wasn't getting what I deserve, twas still easy as one-two-three to obey. Hafta be real honest, though... maybe, twas easy before because I knew there's nothing that I can do. I was powerless and under their authority. They have the last say, anyway. But, thing is, there's complete SURRENDER. That's the difference between the then and now.

Matthew 18:3 teaches us to "become like little children". Children have such humility and obedience. Give them instructions and they will follow. Sometimes, they'd question, but, they'd still obey. They also have desires. They're bounded by rules. They can't always get what they want. They're limited to what the older people tell them to do. They always have to ask and often, the answer's NO or NOT YET. They'd throw tantrum, but in the end, they'll surrender.

I believe, this should also be our attitude. Yes, we may have our own desires. We think we know what's good for us. We're capable. We're knowledgeable. We're not anymore babies or children. But, there's still a need for us to exhibit humility. All of us should acknowledge that GOD has a grand plan for us. HE is inviting us to obey because HE knows what's best for us. HE alone understands what HE wants for our lives. Proverbs 3:7 tells us, "Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil." There are lotsa things we think are just OK. But, they're not in GOD's eyes. There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death (Proverbs 14:12).

We can never learn to surrender unless we start becoming selfless. Without us setting aside our self-trust that we're this and that good... we have achieved so much, we can earn this much...blah blah blah. We have to have an attitude of humility before GOD. That HE is our all. That HIS Word is life. Like little children, we have to forget ourselves and trust our Father who is the author of our life and provider of our needs. Unless we understand our nothingness apart from HIM, we'll never experience the kind of life GOD promises to give us.

I hope to be that child again who trusts GOD and people. Denying myself, my wants, my desires to give way to what GOD has in store for me. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) May this verse be real in my life for my soul's sake.