I turn my daily struggles into extraordinary moments.

The worst part is that I am aware it’s irrational and often inexplicable. Annoyingly though, knowing that gives no aid whatsoever. It only deepens further what this feeling might be. I don’t want to call it depression. Anxiety, maybe? I just feel more frustrated as I reason with myself and insist that “this is irrational”. But, how come I can’t stop it? It seems I can’t. Like I’ve lost control of my mind even I am sure it’s functioning properly. It IS RATIONAL. A part of me is not.

Memories keep resurfacing, tormenting me into unbelievably profound gloom. I often can’t bring myself to move. And, I curl in a fetal position as each memory plays out. It’s just so hard to function.

More frequently, I get to have this feeling like someone is gripping my heart. Twisting it. Makes it feel like it’s hard to breathe. And, I force shut my eyes tightly against another memory that threatens to emerge.

It’s hard to fight. But, I am left with no other option. So, I deny the urge to wallow in grief. I can’t let misery consume me whole. But, it’s as though, everything conspires to pull me further down. That I am forced to fight harder.

God has been my comfort. He lifts me up. I receive unconditional love. I am strengthened. Even inch by inch.

I need to keep reminding myself that I am not to live according to the flesh, especially, NOT when it is harming me. I must not believe the lies. The voice that tells me there is no more reason to go on. That it’s better to stop living. It is quite convincing when you’re just so down and low. But, it is the time I ought to fight harder and to choose to believe the Truth. Only the Truth.

And, in this struggle, I stumble upon things that make me see how there is so much out there to do. To see. To experience. To learn. I can’t keep confining myself into this tiny world I am in. And more that I ought not to confine myself into this short episode. This one devastating event. 

I hope to find meaning in this. I hope to contribute to the world through this.

I have a Facebook account that was dormant for a long while which I recently made active. There’s where I let strangers in. And, I also started making use of the public page I accidentally created months ago. They are both keeping me busy. My YouTube channel has been silent for a while, as well. So, I thought it would help me if I rather keep myself busy coming up with contents for vlog. I guess this is how I should follow my own advice. That instead of focusing on my hurts, I should rather use my time and energy on reaching out to people and letting people reach out to me.

So, friends... you who are reading this, it would be such a huge help if you visit my new cyber space and my YouTube channel. Journey with me. See you there. 

 

My resolve

Truth is, there's only one thing to do first to get over anything that weighs you down. That is... to decide that you are going to! 

People may wish there's some magic. Instant transport to the next episode, to the next place. I hate to disappoint but how everything starts is... with a decision to move forward. And, then commit to it.

So, I decide everyday to force myself out of bed even my body feels like glued to it. I drag myself to get ready for work and to be focused on what needs to be done. Everything I will ever do every today is to make a decision. A decision that promotes my welfare and not what destroys it.

Yeah, doing so can’t readily set me free from sorrow and grief... but it sure is a step in the right direction. I am sane enough to understand that I can't do God’s part, and He won’t do mine. He can’t make that decision for me, because only I can make that decision for myself. I am my own responsibility. He made me a steward of my body. "Deny self" when it leads me to destruction.

Somewhere deep down inside of me, I believe that once I have made that decision, God can and will help me with the rest. Just as He has done many times in the past. He is faithful. He will always be. His grace is sufficient for me in every today.

 

 

Inconclusive

Do we ever really know what we will do in any situation until the situation presents itself?

I am holding on, but barely.

Struggling and gripping anything just to keep it together for another day.

I function like a robot. Tears involuntarily drop. My heart feels like it's breaking into pieces... and then again... over and over. The pain is just so unbearable that I want to be over it. Escape it. But how?

He proved to me I wasn't as tough as I thought I've become. And, this episode is forcefully teaching me to be. 

I gotta get over it before it pulls me further down. Before I become so accustomed to being mastered by this strong emotion that I, one day, simply give in. 

I will give myself time to grieve. I won't try to be strong. I won't bother about tomorrow, or the next week, or the next month. I will just keep it together, today. And may the Lord allow my heart rest again.

 

Life goes on but will never be the same again...

 ...and then it came to me...

That the only way to continue in life is to embrace this grief. Because this grief only exists where love lived first.

Am deeply shattered. In ways I never thought I would be. I didn't know this much about myself until I was brought to this situation which I so dread to one day face. 

I want to point blame to whoever. First, to myself. But, that leads nowhere. And, would only prove me a fool. I told him these things quite a number of times -- 

...keep moving forward. Life should never be tied to an episode. Hold on to things and people loosely. And, never attach happiness to anyone or anything. Esp not to people. Because they have wills of their own. Who can tell if you are part of their plans?

I told him these things with such conviction. Now, he left me with the challenge to put them into action. My will isn't strong enough, I realized. What I know does not seem to align with how I feel. 

Makes me want to think of him too selfish to have not thought what pain he could inflict on me. How unfair he only thought of a small portion of his existence that he neglected to consider the rest of us. Me...who was there for him in some of his life's toughest battles.

Yet, was it not equally selfish that I kept pulling him away from his own will? He obviously did not want me to get in the way this time. He wanted no other influence. He was so convinced of what he deemed best for himself.

Tears flow involuntarily. 

Acceptance.

It would probably definitely help if I start applying the same advice I give people. That despite my heart's insistence to understand, there is no other way forward but to accept what happened. Without demanding for reasons.

My mind won't let me rest. Am drained. Am so sick to my stomach. But, I look forward to heal soon enough. This, too, shall pass.