Let our scars fall in love.

So, am learning... and I believe every person learns one day at a time with every experience. Been stuck in the topic EXPECTATIONS for quite a while now. Taught me more about human nature and my own as I ponder about it more and more. And, one of the things I learned is that the only thing that really needs to be understood and applied by all is to NEVER EXPECT. It is what causes huge disappointment which later on results to great pain.

I came across this quote...

“It seems love is the root of all pain and most of its fruit only leaves a bitter taste behind.”
― L.F. Falconer

Too many people end up looking for things to point fingers at whenever pain is felt. Most of the time, it is LOVE that is blamed to be the culprit. Well, I do look for why I feel pain. I guess it's all part of it, right? When you feel pain in any part of your body, you try to figure out what's causing it and where it's coming from. I, recently, got a papercut on my index finger. At first, I couldn't understand what's causing my not-so-good-mood. Until, I figured it's coming from that papercut. Yet, knowing that I got a wound didn't help my condition. It only validated my urge to idle around. (Have very low tolerance to pain, FYI. And a small cut would take me to bed the entire day!)

...and I know that people, too, have reasons for doing what they're doing and most of it is related to emotions. When they feel pain, they become defensive...they react...they find reasons to justify whatever that results from pain. Most of the time, because they're hurt, they also get to hurt others. 

They say, love hurts and it's the cause of pain. I dunno what to say about that, actually. What I know is, when you love pain is inevitable. NOT because they're twins. It's because when people love, attached with it is expectation. When they give, it's but automatic they expect they're also gonna get something in return. So, when love isn't returned exactly how they thought they deserve or they thought will be given back, it disappoints them. Eventually, it causes pain. Like we all know what we are capable of giving. A part of us also hopes that that same amount of love will be lavished to us by the very persons we give love to. Not realizing that what we know of love may not be the same as what others know of love. It's been said many times that people come from different backgrounds, culture...what-have-you... and yet, we still don't get that even in the topic of love, people differ. So, we are not supposed to impose the kind of love we have in mind to anyone. 

Thing about love is we should focus giving not receiving. If we receive, just receive without any kind of expectation. We must only receive with a thankful, appreciative heart. Period. Because if we expect it to be more than what is being handed to us, we are more likely to just get disappointed. Worse, we might just complain. We're disappointed and we make the giver disappointed, as well, because we're not happy with what we receive. And, it's frustrating not only for us who aren't content but also to the person who prolly have given their best.

For me, comparing the degree, measure, height, width, depth... whatever you might wanna call it...of love we can offer and, actually, give is but being self-righteous or proud. When we start saying, "I did this for him/her" we practically upbraid another for how lowly, poorly, scantily we think they have given to us. Doesn't show any appreciation at all. And, why should we appreciate, in the first place, when we have given much and this is all we get, right?!!! But, that's exactly why EXPECTATION should never be in the picture. Because every thing that we do is a choice. We choose to give much, and that's our choice NOT theirs. They'll prolly humbly tell us we need not do certain things for them, y'know. But, we make that choice. And if we choose to give more with the expectation that it will be returned to us double or more, then, that ISN'T GIVING. It's INVESTING. You don't invest love. You simply just give it and wait if it flourishes. That's why LOVE IS A VERB not a noun. Now, if it doesn't grow the way it should with the amount of love you've given, then that's where LETTING GO comes in. And, it's NOT letting go of persons. It's letting go of all else that you have already given and not continue clinging to how much was invested or wasted. Problem with people is their "what's in it for me" mindset -- the I-won't-give-unless-am-sure-it's-gonna-be-returned thinking. We're such good business people. No wonder too many marriages fail. Too many relationships end. We are but self-seekers. We can't give and let go. We expect and we take long records of how much we've already invested and how little we've received. Whatta sad reality, don't you think?

I know a lotta people will tell me AGAIN that it's a fact of life. It's reality and over emphasizing it...blogging about it... is just a waste of time. It's useless. Maybe. Because talking about this now isn't going to change me instantly. Knowing all these things that I am saying have not fully made me to become the person God wants me to be. But, it doesn't mean that it can never happen. That's why I am continuing the pursuit to learning how to apply knowledge. Besides, isn't it everyone's habit to just keep pouring out their opinions about just ANYTHING?! I mean, come on now, all over the social network sites people just blurt out trash talks, express their emotions nonchalantly, share their sentiments about their problems within the walls of their homes as if it's for the world to know...talk about their opinion about Manny P's defeat or whoever famous someone out there... I mean, I guess we all gotta start talking about things that truly matter. Things that will eventually improve the world... relationships...for real IF we only start opening our eyes to what really needs to be done.  IF we only start changing the way we understand and view LOVE. 

Love, trust...they're things which when you give away should be let go. Don't attach strings to it that we make people indebted to us. Because relationship isn't lending to people. It's GIVING to people. You hurl a penny to a lil boy in the street and you just forget about it the next second. You don't take a picture of that lil boy, get his name, his home location...so in the future when he becomes big, he can return back to you what you gave him. NO. It doesn't work that way when it comes to love. You can't be sorry you gave love. You SHOULD only be happy and content you did.

It was said, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." Lemme restate that...people can, actually, give everything they have and still have no love. Imagine, we can do things but not necessarily out of love. Whatever other reason there might be for doing so, I guess more of it is for self-interest. To feel good. To look good. To impress people. I dunno. But, it's true. And, am saying this because I used to think that I am such a loving person. I can do and had done many things for people who are important to me. I have a big heart for the poor and I did feeding programs and all. Well, I didn't do those things to impress anyone, that am sure of. It's a heartfelt giving. It's my thanksgiving to the ONE Who showered me with abundance of blessings and graces. But, my heart was proud, I must admit. Why? Because I didn't let go. I recounted almost EVERYTHING I have done for someone...for people. By doing so, I only aggravated the pain that's already torturing me inside. I kept thinking and thinking about how good I have been and yet I was done wrong. The expectation was clearly there. And, obviously, I didn't let go. There were strings attached so I kinda felt those people owe me kindness or whatever I deserve. 

LET GO. Don't attach strings. Love, help, trust, forgive...then let it go. Don't remember. Don't list'em down. Give as in give away. Don't expect anything in return. Then, life is gonna be much easier, happier, freer. 

I so love the concept they introduced and highlighted in the movie, "Pay it Forward" -- returning the favor not to the person who gave you favor but to other people...not necessarily those you know... until you build networks of people extending goodness and multiplying it. The concept is, in fact, Biblical. We are being blessed to become blessings. We do not bless because we wanna be blessed back. The aim is to GIVE and DO until it becomes a cycle. A practice.

Contemplating about these things made me trace what still aches me. Why I haven't completely healed yet. It's because I haven't let go and expectation still remains. 

There's this friend whom I loved dearly. I gave all that I thought would help her, would build her up, would help her spread her wings. I didn't deny anything from her. Supported her in every area of her life. I trusted her. So, I thought she's taking everything to heart as appreciation. Little did I know she's scheming. She's saying nasty things about me to other people. She's even making me look like a monster to them like am doing her wrong. She made them believe that I was treating her badly and who knows what else she said?! Worse, she was telling everyone I was jealous of her. Nasty! Well, she disclosed to me that she learned from someone about something about me which offended her. Ok, whatever! But, thing is, we're almost always together and she never opened up to me about it. She trusted that person more than me. Like why? We could have prolly talked about it like heart-to-heart. Why did she have to turn to other people, say the worst things about me, gossip about me, make people hate me in stead of resolving the problem?  It seriously damaged me. Questions overflowed in my head. I had never been that attached to anyone. I had never made a decision in my life to be as open as that to a girl friend. With her, I became totally transparent, open and attached. So, twas a terrible experience. A horrible one. I dunno if I am still capable of trusting.

But, that's my point. I have to let go. I already have given what I had given and I should just leave them behind now without remembering the glory that is due me and stop asking for credits. I offered friendship and sincere love. It ends there. I need not attach a string to it and cause her to be accountable for all that. It's my decision. She also made a decision to repay kindness with evil. That's her freedom. I can't tie her by the neck only because there's some emotions, finances involved with the help I gave. I need to let go and freed myself from the baggage that weighs me down because unless that pride in her heart melts, she will never acknowledge she was done good. That's her problem not mine. My issue is, I gotta help myself heal. People are free to do what they want or feel like. I gotta respect that even if it's gonna hurt me. I can only pray and hope that one day they'll realize things but to be burdened by the strings will only slow down my recovery. 

Been wondering why I haven't moved on. Have I not yet forgiven? I have. But, I gotta let go of the investments lost and just receive what was returned to me in stead of regretting that I made a bad choice. It's never a bad choice to love. It's the most beautiful thing whether the person deserves it or not. Because it's not about the recipient, nor it's about the giver but the sincerity with the giving. 

To not be hurt...I found out it's more effective to:

Don't expect from people. 

Let go and don't attach strings.         

In stead of, restricting yourself from loving; being too choosy or careful who deserves what; blaming people and things; choosing not to love and trust; avoiding people...better remove the real and damaging weeds: EXPECTATIONS and ATTACHMENTS. 

Another long one...gotta end this for now. And again next time SOON...

  

“Sometimes we fall in love and end up losing ourselves. We allow ourselves to become different people. But we have choices... We can choose to find the person we used to be, the person we really are. Or we can continue on as this new being." ― Amid the Roar 

Live in love, y'all! 

Just scribbling words on scraps of litter...

If every person gets to ask first what will it cost them to give love, would there be a single individual who would voluntarily offer to?

Musing about the word "expectation", I came to ask this question. Now, I can only vividly recall how my train of thoughts about the matter came into being. Oh, because I hear too many people say, "had I known..." ..."I had given my all" ...  And, no, I am not exempt from this. I had prolly uttered the same or could be that  it had conceived in my mind for quite a while and is about to birth anytime soon.

I was hanging my clothes a few hours ago when I suddenly uttered, "I am tired". It's, actually, addressed to God as a prayer. Silly it is. Who am I to complain? Thinking deeper, I thought about what pain could God be feeling, Himself, because of me ...that I can just whine and quit trying to be patient with and kind to others? How can I not be gracious when HE is with and to me?

Lemme talk about the "had I known" and "I had given my all" first.

So, had anyone known that it cost too much to love, would they still do? Why would anyone waste their energy, time, tears and everything for nothing? Made me realize the natural inclination of humans to expect. It's innate. It isn't something one learns over time through painful experiences. It's just a matter of time before it shows up evident. But, it's there within and is usually triggered by emotions.

I used to believe (and was fully convinced) that am one of the few who can give without expectations...without any return of investments... until I started regretting having done so much for certain people who, in the end, only bruised me. At first, I was so convinced that it's a valid gesture/response to recount every good deed I had done for another. My reason (rather excuse/alibi) was I wasn't expecting  they'd return the favor with interest. For me, just don't do me wrong is enough. I strongly held on to the idea that it's easy and normal to pay kindness with kindness. Unfortunately, though, turns out it's more natural to pay evil with evil ...even kindness with evil. That's prolly why someone came up with this line: "don't bite the hand that feeds you" ...I realized. Because one can offer kindness but it is the opposite that is usually returned.

I've always believed that if you sow kindness, it is kindness that you will reap...and even better. I thought if you treat people kindly, they'll follow suit. I was wrong. They will appreciate it but there's not a guarantee they'll treat you the same way. And if you are the kind of person who is gentle and meek, you gotta guard yourself never to lose your gentleness and meekness no matter how people treat you. Imagine, double the work! Yeah, you're kind, yet you gotta exceed that. But, I guess, nature is nature. You don't really have to work hard at it. Like a deer...like a dove...like a sheep... a kind and meek person remains meek regardless of any threat.

Could be another "alibi" I might grab is true again...that it's instinctive to fight for your right... or for your very own safety ...or even for your life... that drives you to war against the object that causes harm. Like being around a flock of ravenous beasts will extract the strength and courage out from inside of you you never thought you have all along. Then, you survive once...twice...thrice...or more until it's turned you into a beast just like the ones you're battling with. Only your reason appears to be more valid and lesser evil. But, truth is, regardless of the motivation, the deed, the action, the reaction...it is just the SAME. It isn't good. No wonder the Bible says, "do not repay evil with evil but repay evil with good." Because you'll only know you're set apart when the rest of the wold's the same and you remain different. What the Word refers to as "in the world but not of the world".

Tough, radical, and IMPOSSIBLE but I guess nature IS nature. You'll simply remain what you truly are. A dog doesn't cease to be a dog when it ceases to bark. It's still a dog and it only takes a situation to make it bark again. Sometimes, people show another side of them when threatened, perhaps.

Well... humans have emotions. They're creatures of emotions. I am human. Am not sure what my real nature is right now but I'd say there are stimuli that makes me react another way and boy I sure don't like the way I am when I am like that! Something inside of me revolts, in fact. Maybe, when you aren't comfortable how you are, it isn't your nature. Something is alerting you that you are already being another person. I never felt satisfied paying back people wrong. Though, yeah, it comes to a point every so often that I regret doing good to bad people. My mind argues that there are people who simply don't deserve good but bad because they are bad. But, another part of my mind refutes and insist that I don't even deserve so many things. I better be conscientious enough to refuse when being given things I know I don't deserve, then, right?

Figured out why there are so may people who don't know how to receive love. It's not that they don't know how. It's, actually, because at the back of their minds operate powerfully the idea of "deserve". You-gotta-earn-it-first-before-you-can-enjoy-it.

"I gave my all"... "I did this and that for you"... says the group from one side and the other group hollers, "nobody told you to!" Twas just a scene from outside of me until I started belonging to the first groupie. A time came when I wasn't anymore a spectator but a participant. And how painful it is to accept a rebut like that -- "I didn't ask for it. Don't blame me. I owe you none!" Seriously.

I thought about it and they've got a point. True. It's a voluntary act. Nobody held a gun to my head for me to do anything for them so, why even use a line like that as if to blackmail? hmmm...  and I tried to draw my motive behind having said or even thought of that. Well, figured, twas out of pain. Nothing more. Like a reaction to an open wound. OUCH! I'd say anything mindlessly as a reaction to what strong emotion/feeling I feel. But, could I have done the same good things to that same persons had I know I'd only be betrayed? Not quite certain with my answer, actually. I don't wanna be self-righteous nor overly critical of myself. Well, there are instances when I act and react like a pundit -- I have learned enough. I know better now -- and there are moments when I find myself being the same old me as if I never learned a lesson and still expose myself to danger. How do you call that? hmmm...

I conclude that being tired is a fact of life. It's part of every person because we all have our own thresholds. And, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong verbalizing it.  (Thank God He looks at the heart and not the actions alone!) What makes a whole lotta difference is how one reacts to being tired. It's like I am tired now. I experience how it's like so I don't  want to have anything to do with things that will cause me more of that. Nuh-ah! Hands off! But, I think that reaction is completely wrong. NEVER allow being tired to get the best of you. That's why God has offered us to "enter His rest". Being tired is just but for a moment, which can be remedied...otherwise, just be dead. That's the only time we have no other option. I'd say, rest in God's peace and be restored. We're not without help and hope.

Typing all these using my very high-end phone along the fire escape stairs is one heck of an experience!

Time check, it's 6:34 am. Going back to my crib now. Zzzzz   

-- A delayed post from 11.29.2012

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I wonder why when people face pain in relationships the first and automatic response is usually to sever bonds in stead of maintaining commitment... *frowns*