Without YOU ...am as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway.

It's a lazy Sunday morning. Not so warm. In fact, windy. But, am still feeling lazy. Isn't it a habit, on the second thought?

I turned to my desktop computer and saw my abandoned blog and thought of writing something meaningful. There's really nothing so interesting to share but I thought of something that might inspire. Here goes...

There has been so many changes in me, I noticed. Depression is not as active in my lifestyle as how it used to be, for one. Inch by inch, am learning the art of letting go of things I can't do anything about and surrender them to GOD. Not that I wasn't trusting HIM before. Just, I used to act as if I always have to do something or act on a situation right away. This has been my mindset. Just like what the local saying implies ..."Mercy resides in God; deeds are in men".

Some petty things I thought need not be consulted to GOD. Then, I realized, petty things can soon become big struggles when I try to fix them myself. Why? Because no matter how I think I am good at resolving things, my wisdom is still not enough to understand some reasons behind things that happen. My decision making is not as brilliant as I think it is. I had to learn this by going through some struggles. Those struggles consumed my strength until I had to look up and ask GOD to carry me. Something I had never really done in the past.

Oftentimes, we are too engrossed trying to deal with things on our own believing that we are tough enough to handle situations. It is not enough that we consult GOD our plans or decisions. We hafta admit that we are incapable without HIS grace. Admit that there are areas in our lives where we're having difficulty handling and we need HIM to start carrying us. This time around, I am able to tell HIM that there are areas in my life I cannot change with my own effort because I am too weak. That my heart desires to obey HIM but my nature is not strong to follow, so, I need HIM to work in that area for me as I surrender it to HIM. I have never felt so loved in my life until I opened up to my FATHER. Tis an amazing experience. HE made me feel accepted and loved for who I am... including my weaknesses.

...and each time I am reminded of HIS great love for me, this line in a song would start playing in my head... "YOU see the depths of my heart and YOU love me the same..." Who can love us the same way? Knowing and seeing the filth in our hearts and minds but still loves us just the same without condemnation or blame; but, stares back at us with so much mercy and love. GOD is truly amazing.

Have gone real tired of depending on my own efforts. Struggling to always be righteous. Do things in my power knowing what's right and what's wrong. Avoid this because it's wrong and struggle to do another because it's right. Well, I am blessed because GOD has really equipped me with values and attitudes to be a good Christian since I was young. But, guess, I had been too confident about this fact that I failed to recognize my great need for HIS grace. Until, some goodness within me started hitting the skids. Guess, that's what happens when we rely on our own strength.

Now, I can humbly tell GOD that I can't or I won't lift a finger on this or that concern because I am too weak. That I won't make a decision without HIS blessings. It's harder to correct a mistake than avoid making one. Come on, GOD is just a prayer away. We can confidently come directly to HIM and HE will surely listen. Not because we are good or obedient or righteous. But, because HIS love for us is great and immeasurable. No amount of good deeds can make us worthy of HIS love, but HIS love for us alone gives us authority to come to HIM for help. Knowing this, I feel the privilege of being under HIS grace. And I just want to be under it forever. *smiles*

On a different note, I cannot stop myself from mentioning... the San Beda Red Lions were dethroned by the San Sebastian Stags after losing 2 finals games Thursday and Saturday. *sobs* They were doing real good in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd quarter during the 2nd finals game at the Cuneta Astrodome, which could've given them a chance for a 3rd game. But, in the last quarter, they lost their baskets and made too many errors giving the Stags great advantage. Just sad but, well, twas undeniably a good game.


Toodle-oo.

Why is't so hard to be happy? It's because we refuse to let go of the things that make us sad.

When we try to be in control, there's always a sure chance of disappointment. Most of the time, we try hard to believe in something. Something that is wonderful to embrace. When it doesn't happen as we believed it would, our expectations fail us and pain comes after.

It's never easy to entrust all to GOD. This is one thing I am struggling with. Mainly because I have trusted too much not in HIM but in people. Well, people... they say sooo many things. Either half-meant or they don't really mean at all. One of the things people do is hide behind lies. Some say, they do this to avoid hurting someone. What they don't know is they hurt others more by denying them the truth.

Sad truth is, people keep changing their minds almost instantly. They say things but they can't be true to their words. They won't even CHOOSE to be true to their words. They say something but do another. Many say something they strongly feel for the moment. They are driven by their emotions. But, emotions are fleeting. It's frustrating. But, just like me, I know there are many others who still rather believe these lies. Convinced that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt. So, we risk our hearts. We place our faith in the wrong persons...in the wrong things. Believing that this can lead to happiness. But, in truth, it hurts.

Yet, another painful truth is the person we placed our faith in to just doesn't care how we would feel when they can't keep up with their words. Go on with their lives as if our feelings don't matter. Conveniently, they can just escape with "sorry", but, are ready to do it again only because they know we'll just be there. Such a bitter reality.

Am sure, this is not only my own experience. Many out there suffer the same sitch for the reason that they "believe" someone. They trust. No matter how the other person screws up, they are ready to give another chance.

Sometimes, I get to think whether this is wrong or right. Because it's damaging. It messes our thoughts and feelings. It creates fear. Fear that if we believe again, we might get hurt again. Fear that if we don't, we give an impression that we can't trust and this simply doesn't sound right. The dilemma that if we trust, we're sure to hurt ourselves. If we don't, we're sure to hurt the person we love. It's crazy.

And I know of people who choose to trust lies and deny themselves the truth. They choose to believe what they want to believe, though, they know it's a lie. They'd even avoid knowing or hearing the truth in order to keep the lies. Trying to revel in something that will only cause them pain. What joy is there in living in lies? Being lied to is the worst way one can ever disrespect you. It's like they're telling you you deserve no truth. Maybe... but who deserves a lie?

I wish that saving our hearts from pain can be taught in school. That common sense can influence us stronger than our emotions can. Because our emotions steal from us our happiness. We want to be happy with someone we truly deserve but we're stuck with our feelings for someone who don't even sincerely care about us. All they're concerned about is the convenience and benefits they're receiving. Such a dangerous condition to be in.

'Do not expect anything', that's what they say. Am trying to believe that it is expecting that's causing all the pain. Maybe. On the second thought, is expecting that someone just do his part to not tell a lie and spare you of pain too much to give? Fine, we have to do our part to simply give love. But, are they not expected to do their part to be kind, too?

I'd like to just be numb about things and pretend none of what I observed is true. I'd like to convince myself that not asking too much question and not asking for what one deserves could make everything fine. I'd like to just believe in only ONE. To place my trust on only HIM and be oblivious to all others because it's damn too painful. It's hard to breathe. It's exhausting. Am stripped off strength.

If I'd try seeing things like characters in stories, maybe, it's easier to explain why things happen the way they do. There has to be good characters and there has to be bad characters. Otherwise, life will simply just be boring. No thrill. No issues. No arguments. There are no more stories to tell. There are no blogs like this to share.