Aren't you tired of pretending to be something you're not?

Am not the type of person who would go beyond the reason behind someone else's acts. In fact, I just take people for what they are showing me. Thing with this, though, some people can be scheming. There is no way you can tell when they're doing it. They themselves won't admit that they do have something else in mind than plainly asking.

I maybe getting you lost now. Don't worry... You will know what I am trying to point out in a little while.

Last December, I met a new friend. She was the first one to befriend me. Made me wonder, "why?" but let's just say, I rather just ignored the question. Besides, there's nothing wrong if I take her friendship offer. Who knows it could get somewhere.

I can't clearly remember how it all started. How many times did we exchange ym messages... But what I do remember's the fact that she tried making me feel really comfortable with her. I must admit, though, I did. Dunno if I should regret it now or what. But, what happened was what happened. She could be the accomplice to a rumor spreading around the workplace. Really, I don't mind anymore. The truth will always be the truth. Maybe that's not they're really expecting to find out. So, it's up to them. I mean, I just don't understand why the hell do they care?! For goodness sakes!

I don't want to start ranting again. Well, it's the first thing that came into my head so... Well, I better just drop the matter, then.

This is going to be second to the last day of my being a nocturnal. The coming week is another start. Should I say, re-start?! Yes, I will be back to my old schedule. Dunno if it's a positive or negative thing but, I will just have to wait and see.

I changed the look of my blogsite. Of course, you did notice. I mean, those who have been visiting my green room (which is not anyway Green) for some time now. By the way, why Green Room? Many have already asked me this question. Will tell you what this term means. "Green Room" is a waiting room or lounge for the use of performers when they are offstage. This site is my lounge. I am the performer in the big stage of life. Got it? *wink* Nuf said.

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Oops, wait! Can't click on the publish button yet. I really have to include this part...

My conversation with GPTBF (girl pretending to be a friend)...

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GPTBF: can i ask you..are we friends???

~paper tiger~ : how can I tell?

GPTBF: yeah, right... you already answered me

~paper tiger~: dunno really...anyone can be a friend...but how real...that's the big question
~paper tiger~: had been severely judged by people
~paper tiger~: even by those who I thought were real friends
~paper tiger~: it's hard to define friendship nowadays

GPTBF: yeah, for me this is much better..i can say this frankly and so are you to me without being hurt.

GPTBF: i didnt hurt your feelings,did i??

~paper tiger~: I wasn't a bit hurt..all the while...been hearing rumors...
~paper tiger~: what else could hurt me more?

GPTBF: yeah

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I still keep your letters hoping to find the answers in your words.

Hi! How are you?

You know what? I thought of you today. I don't know how, in the midst of my most hectic days, thoughts of you manage to squeeze their way into my mind. I don't know how you do it, considering that I haven't heard from you for four years now. Come to think of it, I didn't even realize until now that it has been four years. Four years, so many "relationships" since then, and yet, I still go back to you.

I know, it's not your fault we're not even friends anymore. After all, I was the one who changed numbers and didn't tell you. But please understand that, at that time, I thought it was the best way to go for both of us. I couldn't get the closure that I wanted, because I knew you were just a text away. Besides, back then, I was considering dating one of my closest friends seriously, and the only way I could possibly do that without going crazy was by cutting you off. I'm sorry for that.

I was the ultimate cynic before I met you, and I know I shouldn't be reminding you of this, because you know me so well. I was the boy who was terrified to commit, terrified to lay his heart out on the open, terrified to gamble, for the weirdest and most confusing reasons...

Actually, now that I had so much time to think about it, my phobia back then can actually be summed up in four words: fear of getting hurt. I was so petrified at the thought of getting hurt, that I made people believe that I regarded them closely, but actually dealt with them at arms' length. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I originally planned to do the same with you. Of course, you wouldn't allow me. That was one of the reasons why, I believe, I fell for you.

My love life, predictably, has a very sad and sorry cycle. Girl X falls for me. I fall for her. She tries to get close to me. I place her at a safe distance. She tries to get closer. I push her farther away. She gets tired of trying. I get tired of myself. We let go. I try bitterly to move on. I meet Girl Y, but I can't deal with her too well because I'm still moping about Girl X. And the cycle repeats itself almost automatically. I know that to be happy, you have to gamble, but I was never a good risk taker. Not until after you.

You were unlike any girl I've ever met before. You were a spoiled brat who was used to getting what she wanted in an instant. Admittedly, I was a spoiled brat too. So we clashed. You hated all the things that I loved, and I loathed all the things that interested you. It was a match made in hell. But somehow, for some unknown reason, you stayed put.

I still don't know how you did it. Somehow, someway, you managed to pull the rug off from under me. And before I even knew what was happening, I had been swept off my feet.

I remember just now, how the simplest of your gestures can make me so giddy. I remember how I was when I used to wait for your call. I used to shudder in anticipation of hearing your voice, literally speaking. And when you text me, it was like nothing else mattered-at all.

I can vaguely remember the kilig feeling, but I know that it felt like my insides were turning to mush, my muscles were dissolving in electricity, and butterflies were hammering against my throat. I know, they don't sound too good in print, but they are, in actuality, the best feelings in the world.

I remember, still quite vividly, how the mere memory of your laugh was enough to make me smile, and how the mere sound of your voice had been enough to brighten up the darkest of my days. I remember looking forward to waking up every morning, because I knew it would be another day to communicate with you. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was falling for you. Somehow, however, I tried to bury them to the deepest recesses of my heart in the hope of vanquishing them forever.

I remember quite well how you told me, countless of times, how much you loved me. Unfortunately, I am also constantly reminded how cruel I was. Because every time you said you cared, I always found ways to avoid answering back. I'd tell you, "I like you as a person," or I'd say, "Mushy!" It got to the point, however, that I got tired of making up ways to avoid your question that I just told you, "You know I can't answer that right now." I'm so darn stupid! I would always have to stop from banging myself against the wall when I remember how badly I treated you. And, I know, no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry, nothing would ever change anything.

You asked me once why I liked you. And I told you, "Because you make me happy." And you know what? You really did. You made me happy, in a way that I never thought I could ever be. I thank you for that.

To tell you honestly, I don't remember how you look like. I can only remember certain aspects. But I do remember, so very well, the sound of your voice, your musical laughter, and sadly, even the distant and angry tone of your voice as we neared our goodbyes.

Maybe I'll never forget you. Maybe I'll never live down the fact that I had you - but I let you go. Was it that, or was it that I had you, but I did not work hard, did not fight hard enough to make you stay? I don't know. I don't want to think, and I don't believe that now is the time to rationalize about these things. Because the truth of the matter is, you're gone. I hate living the life, knowing that I'll be thinking of these "what if's" for the rest of my life. I hate wishing that I could turn back time, so that I could correct all my mistakes, took all the risks I should have taken, and reached for your hand when you held it out for me. But it's too late for that, and it's not even plausible anyway.

I can't help but wonder, once in a while, how you're doing. I wonder if you're happy, or if some lucky creature is making you happy. I wonder if you still think of me, or even just remember that I exist. Because I think of you. Every single day, against my will, against my better judgment. I've fooled myself long enough to believe that you're not important in my life, not essential to my existence. I'm tired of my own masquerade. I just want to acknowledge the fact that yes, you have touched my life, even if I have acknowledged you too late.

A lot of people say, "There are many fihes in the sea." They weren't lying. I found that out myself after we separated ways. I dated like hell when you said goodbye, trying to numb myself from the pain, trying to ignore the emptiness that was left with the vacuum that you created in my life. But you know what? At the end of the day, it was still you. I couldn't find the special spark that I found in you, not even in better-looking or funnier or smarter or richer gals. They didn't have the magic that you had. They couldn't make my insides melt with a smile. They couldn't ease away all my pains with a call. Simply put, they were not you. Yes, they were many, but none of them was you. I wish you could see me now. I believe I can safely say that I'm a much better person now than I was four years ago. I have a better perspective on life and love. I don't make up fights anymore just to make things interesting. I don't make up stories anymore to test how much people love me. I don't play mind games anymore. And when I feel something, I say it. I'm not afraid to love anymore. I'm not afraid to get hurt. I'm no longer afraid to take risks. I just wish you were here to see the new, different me. But then again, that could never happen, no matter how hard I try to wish for it.

You know what? Because of you, I promised myself a few things. I promised myself that I would never be afraid to fall or get hurt. I promised myself that I would take risks, seize opportunities, and conquer my fears. I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies.

I used to believe that when you lose someone, you'll get a chance to meet them again. I used to believe in second chances. Losing you has taught me that there are no second chances in life. When you meet someone, and you are given that chance to change their lives, you have to take hold of that opportunity, because that is the only chance you've got. You have your chance, and that's it. You have to make the most out of it, and then let go when it's time. People come and go, and you have to live with it.

I constantly have to remind myself that you've done your part in my life. You taught me the lesson you came to teach, so you have to leave. I have to move on. I shouldn't wait. But I can't help it.

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...But this is not from you. I can only wish...
... but we both know it's not from you.

I wish I could say that I was as strong as I pretended to be.
Truth was you had already hurt me twice, I was not prepared for a third.