Monday, November 30, 2020

Life goes on but will never be the same again...

 ...and then it came to me...

That the only way to continue in life is to embrace this grief. Because this grief only exists where love lived first.

Am deeply shattered. In ways I never thought I would be. I didn't know this much about myself until I was brought to this situation which I so dread to one day face. 

I want to point blame to whoever. First, to myself. But, that leads nowhere. And, would only prove me a fool. I told him these things quite a number of times -- 

...keep moving forward. Life should never be tied to an episode. Hold on to things and people loosely. And, never attach happiness to anyone or anything. Esp not to people. Because they have wills of their own. Who can tell if you are part of their plans?

I told him these things with such conviction. Now, he left me with the challenge to put them into action. My will isn't strong enough, I realized. What I know does not seem to align with how I feel. 

Makes me want to think of him too selfish to have not thought what pain he could inflict on me. How unfair he only thought of a small portion of his existence that he neglected to consider the rest of us. Me...who was there for him in some of his life's toughest battles.

Yet, was it not equally selfish that I kept pulling him away from his own will? He obviously did not want me to get in the way this time. He wanted no other influence. He was so convinced of what he deemed best for himself.

Tears flow involuntarily. 


It would probably definitely help if I start applying the same advice I give people. That despite my heart's insistence to understand, there is no other way forward but to accept what happened. Without demanding for reasons.

My mind won't let me rest. Am drained. Am so sick to my stomach. But, I look forward to heal soon enough. This, too, shall pass.

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A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...