“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label codependent. They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk.” ― Melody Beattie
Yesterday, I had a catch up chat with an old friend and I surprisingly opened up. Maybe I needed it. That chat made me reflect more.
So, as it turned out, I sounded negative. Well, I have to remind myself that people take another's words not from the person's perspective but their own. Or, I prolly wasn't so clear with my point. But, if anything, I guess what is sure to be true is that I am affected deep down that the concern consumes me enough to even talk about it.
And, just now, I read the same topic I ranted about to my old friend from a writer I am following on a social media site. It's not actually the first time that she did write about thoughts that have been bugging me. This is like the nth time now. (Could it be she's the person who is being molded by God in the same manner as He is molding me? That even possible? Or, maybe God is just communicating some things to me...)
Anyway, yes, I've been thinking about it lately. In spite of the heavier concerns I carry, I manage to carry this one, too. Which, according to my friend is a waste of time and energy. I thought so, too. Just it's not that easy for me to drop for whatever reason. Call it unwise if you would, but I have my reasons.
Then this writer wrote it just the same way I'd say it! Though, I think she is more honest about the matter than I am. For me, it is not my issue. It just looks like it. I'd say it another way because I don't believe that is my issue. I don't know. But, ok, if I will be real honest now...am I wanting people to like me? Do I care too much that they do, which is why I am so affected when I learn about anyone not liking me? From the talk with my friend, I would say the answer is a whopping YES.
I give other reasons for being hurt when I learn about fake friends...like I wish they could've just been open and told me about whatever it is that they don't like about me or whatever I did which offended them...or, they shouldn't influence other people who don't know me yet to dislike me in the same way they do, at least...or, how unfair it is that they define me according to their small minds... yada yada yada...
If I will reflect again, I know that I've been bothered by the fact that certain people are faking things with me. They're ok with me when we're together but it changes altogether when they're with other people. And it's crazy. How can people simply be two-faced rather than just tell it to my face whatever is so annoying them that I do?! Why can't we just all be real honest with each other? Tell each other real stuff instead of flattering each other and then bash each other behind each other's backs? Ridiculous! I want to understand this. I know that it's not always easy to be blunt because everyone wants to be gentle and not hurt another's feelings. But, isn't it the same thing? Because when it reaches the person talked about, they are sure gonna get hurt just the same!
Yeah, this is what I've been whining about in my head and what I blurted out to my friend (and which I almost always cry out to God about). But it's only now that it's becoming clearer ...that behind the reasons I hold is the real root of my load ― I want people to like me. I adjust for them so they could like me. And because I can't get all of them to like me, I get frustrated.
Not that it didn't get to me ever how nonsense it is to care whether people like me or not. After all, I've lived my life inside a bubble. Lived my life in isolation. Like a hermit. So, it didn't cross my mind that this could be the real issue within me. And when it did cross my mind, I simply denied it because I believe that I didn't care even if I am not liked. I just don't like what people are doing―smile at me and act everything is cool, then in my absence would frown and say nasty things. For me...I understand that everyone of us have somebody we don't like. We simply can't like everybody. But, we don't have to do them wrong. We don't have to say ill things against them. I hold this principle so strongly as the Word says, "don't do unto others what you don't want others do to you." And because this is where my focus is on, I missed assessing myself regarding the issue of people-pleasing.
I've said over and over and over that Christians ought to love one another. They must not harm anyone. We may not like everyone, but we must love all. And the Bible highlights that loving thy neighbor is the fulfillment of the law. Somehow, I have become too legalistic about this. I am imposing this command on people when I should allow them to choose to either obey or disobey the command just as God gives people their willful choice to follow Him or not. Not realizing that the imposition comes from my nagging demand to be liked. Yeah, I said that's not my issue. I just don't like that their sharp tongues influence others to join their troupe to be my detractors. But, then, I insist on the love-thy-neighbor command just so they would stop doing me wrong. There is an ulterior motive. When I should rather want people to sincerely love because it is God's command.
All my life I've been struggling so hard to be comfortable in my own skin. I guess I successfully managed to appear like I am, which others translate as me being either confident or stuck-up. I can't put me in the category of a people-pleaser because of the fact that I am being me almost all of the time, which is the very reason why a lotta people don't like me, I believe. Because I say what's in my mind. I don't tell people they're looking great when I don't mean it from the heart. I say what I mean. I act me and not how people want me to be. I talk the way I talk. I refuse when I really don't like a thing. I readily say NO, when I mean no. I don't conform just to be liked. And so I can't convince myself that I am a people-pleaser.
Right at this moment, however, I've given it a thought. However I try to categorize things based on my understanding, I guess I need to simplify it. Because I am concerned that people do what they do, and I want to understand what makes them dislike me...and it bothers me that they don't like me then, I am under that category I so deny ― I am wishing to be liked. I long so badly that people see me the way I really am instead of painting a different me in their heads. Sadly, though, it's beyond my control. I can't get people to do as I wish. That includes how I want to be seen. And I gotta give them their freedom to live even if they want to live with a hateful heart.
Like how my friend puts it, celebrate the people who do like you and do away with people who don't. Maybe, it's not as bad as it sounds. Cause am sick and tired of the consumerism practice going around relationships. People have become disposable commodities. If you're not of any benefit to me...if you're not satisfying my needs, you can go! That way of life is for me deeply hurtful. People are not objects to be used. But, I guess what my friend only means is, let them be (my very own mantra, would you believe?!). I don't know exactly how to do it, but I gotta do it for my peace' sake.
And, this message is not only for me. It's for everybody else who are becoming more wounded by this deceitful desire that masks itself in innocent ways. Truth is, we can't please everyone. Even Jesus was hated for no reason. (See John 15:25) People may have their reasons to not like you, and you must simply give them that. There is no effective way to market yourself enough to people who have long decided they wanna be hateful. So, why bother?
So, as it turned out, I sounded negative. Well, I have to remind myself that people take another's words not from the person's perspective but their own. Or, I prolly wasn't so clear with my point. But, if anything, I guess what is sure to be true is that I am affected deep down that the concern consumes me enough to even talk about it.
And, just now, I read the same topic I ranted about to my old friend from a writer I am following on a social media site. It's not actually the first time that she did write about thoughts that have been bugging me. This is like the nth time now. (Could it be she's the person who is being molded by God in the same manner as He is molding me? That even possible? Or, maybe God is just communicating some things to me...)
Anyway, yes, I've been thinking about it lately. In spite of the heavier concerns I carry, I manage to carry this one, too. Which, according to my friend is a waste of time and energy. I thought so, too. Just it's not that easy for me to drop for whatever reason. Call it unwise if you would, but I have my reasons.
Then this writer wrote it just the same way I'd say it! Though, I think she is more honest about the matter than I am. For me, it is not my issue. It just looks like it. I'd say it another way because I don't believe that is my issue. I don't know. But, ok, if I will be real honest now...am I wanting people to like me? Do I care too much that they do, which is why I am so affected when I learn about anyone not liking me? From the talk with my friend, I would say the answer is a whopping YES.
I give other reasons for being hurt when I learn about fake friends...like I wish they could've just been open and told me about whatever it is that they don't like about me or whatever I did which offended them...or, they shouldn't influence other people who don't know me yet to dislike me in the same way they do, at least...or, how unfair it is that they define me according to their small minds... yada yada yada...
If I will reflect again, I know that I've been bothered by the fact that certain people are faking things with me. They're ok with me when we're together but it changes altogether when they're with other people. And it's crazy. How can people simply be two-faced rather than just tell it to my face whatever is so annoying them that I do?! Why can't we just all be real honest with each other? Tell each other real stuff instead of flattering each other and then bash each other behind each other's backs? Ridiculous! I want to understand this. I know that it's not always easy to be blunt because everyone wants to be gentle and not hurt another's feelings. But, isn't it the same thing? Because when it reaches the person talked about, they are sure gonna get hurt just the same!
Yeah, this is what I've been whining about in my head and what I blurted out to my friend (and which I almost always cry out to God about). But it's only now that it's becoming clearer ...that behind the reasons I hold is the real root of my load ― I want people to like me. I adjust for them so they could like me. And because I can't get all of them to like me, I get frustrated.
Not that it didn't get to me ever how nonsense it is to care whether people like me or not. After all, I've lived my life inside a bubble. Lived my life in isolation. Like a hermit. So, it didn't cross my mind that this could be the real issue within me. And when it did cross my mind, I simply denied it because I believe that I didn't care even if I am not liked. I just don't like what people are doing―smile at me and act everything is cool, then in my absence would frown and say nasty things. For me...I understand that everyone of us have somebody we don't like. We simply can't like everybody. But, we don't have to do them wrong. We don't have to say ill things against them. I hold this principle so strongly as the Word says, "don't do unto others what you don't want others do to you." And because this is where my focus is on, I missed assessing myself regarding the issue of people-pleasing.
I've said over and over and over that Christians ought to love one another. They must not harm anyone. We may not like everyone, but we must love all. And the Bible highlights that loving thy neighbor is the fulfillment of the law. Somehow, I have become too legalistic about this. I am imposing this command on people when I should allow them to choose to either obey or disobey the command just as God gives people their willful choice to follow Him or not. Not realizing that the imposition comes from my nagging demand to be liked. Yeah, I said that's not my issue. I just don't like that their sharp tongues influence others to join their troupe to be my detractors. But, then, I insist on the love-thy-neighbor command just so they would stop doing me wrong. There is an ulterior motive. When I should rather want people to sincerely love because it is God's command.
All my life I've been struggling so hard to be comfortable in my own skin. I guess I successfully managed to appear like I am, which others translate as me being either confident or stuck-up. I can't put me in the category of a people-pleaser because of the fact that I am being me almost all of the time, which is the very reason why a lotta people don't like me, I believe. Because I say what's in my mind. I don't tell people they're looking great when I don't mean it from the heart. I say what I mean. I act me and not how people want me to be. I talk the way I talk. I refuse when I really don't like a thing. I readily say NO, when I mean no. I don't conform just to be liked. And so I can't convince myself that I am a people-pleaser.
Right at this moment, however, I've given it a thought. However I try to categorize things based on my understanding, I guess I need to simplify it. Because I am concerned that people do what they do, and I want to understand what makes them dislike me...and it bothers me that they don't like me then, I am under that category I so deny ― I am wishing to be liked. I long so badly that people see me the way I really am instead of painting a different me in their heads. Sadly, though, it's beyond my control. I can't get people to do as I wish. That includes how I want to be seen. And I gotta give them their freedom to live even if they want to live with a hateful heart.
Like how my friend puts it, celebrate the people who do like you and do away with people who don't. Maybe, it's not as bad as it sounds. Cause am sick and tired of the consumerism practice going around relationships. People have become disposable commodities. If you're not of any benefit to me...if you're not satisfying my needs, you can go! That way of life is for me deeply hurtful. People are not objects to be used. But, I guess what my friend only means is, let them be (my very own mantra, would you believe?!). I don't know exactly how to do it, but I gotta do it for my peace' sake.
And, this message is not only for me. It's for everybody else who are becoming more wounded by this deceitful desire that masks itself in innocent ways. Truth is, we can't please everyone. Even Jesus was hated for no reason. (See John 15:25) People may have their reasons to not like you, and you must simply give them that. There is no effective way to market yourself enough to people who have long decided they wanna be hateful. So, why bother?
The only person we ought to please is God. And if we are to please others, we do so for their benefit. (Romans 15:1-13) So we can contribute to their welfare and not to tolerate their bland side. We all need to grow. Authenticity is more important than being liked. Whoever accepts you for you, is really for you. Those who only like you because you please them, they're gonna be hard work eventually. A high-maintenance relationship is tiresome! You're gonna have to constantly toil to keep them. Which is why, we all need to simply let the door swinging open and close. Letting people come and go. Not as we please, but as they please.
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