Friday, April 9, 2010

A single moment of true joy is more powerful than a lifetime of sorrow.

got up on the wrong side of the bed...power outage...missed Showtime...enduring extreme heat...too many things to be thankful for still.



First thing I did was check each labels for allergy alert. And, there it goes, my most fave local delicacy (Barquillos) announced right to my face that "I can't eat it!" Too bad. *frowns*




But, am still happy, don't get me wrong. The thought that a friend from far away place bothered sending me birthday presents is more than enough reason for me to celebrate, right? She made me feel how special I am. Well, anyone can do the same, ok. But, thing is, Lila has been suffering from so much pain with her pregnancy. Her knees are also giving her such a hard time to walk. Yet, she found her way to buy these delicacies and had them delivered fast. So sweet of her.




Sunday, April 4, 2010

When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken.


No, I haven't really recovered yet. It's almost a month now but, every now and then, I still think about her. About how everything's been snatched from her in an instant. Or must I say, how she'd been snatched from us in a New York minute.

Twas RJ's (my big bro's) birthday when I received the news. 6th of March 2010. Unbelievable. A call from Kym changed my mood that night and the days after. Couldn't believe what I heard. It drained me completely and I haven't fully escaped that scene til now.

It's hard to react when you're conscious what people will say. I had to keep these emotions inside me for long. There's no reason for me to care, this is probably what everybody's expecting/believing. But, they're wrong. I have more than enough reasons to.

Right now, I don't want to concern myself about what others might say. No one knows what's inside me. I did care a lot about her. Guess, I still do. If this isn't sincere then why the regrets?

Too many times I thought of sending her a note. I'd look at her photos...how happy and fulfilled she looked. I wanted to understand what happened between us. We were doing fine until we're not.

There were times I just answered my own questions. Somehow, I was content thinking that people have different purpose in our lives. They come into our lives for reasons we can't, oftentimes, understand. Kind people come into our lives and move us in ways too wonderful to describe. Difficult people also come and strengthen us so we can become the person we ought to be.

There's nothing so special to say about the kind of friendship we had. It might not even sound appropriate to use the word 'friendship' to describe our relationship. We were casual friends, could be a much better term. We went to the same company. Saw each other almost daily. That's just what's about it.

What I used to write about her were hurtful things to describe how she made my life so uncomfortable. How she's so successful in doing so. For whatever her reasons were, they're all buried now 6 feet under. Perhaps, there's no point in knowing. Simply put, she's moved me in a different way. She brought change into my life in her own way.

Can't find those blogs anymore. Maybe, they had to be deleted because those are nothing but silly outbursts. Immature way of handling situations. But, I learned. A lot. I believe we both taught each other a lot. Whether we admit it or not.

Yes, I cared that much that for years I'd been battling my fears of rejection. Wanting to reach out but ended up just browsing her online albums trying to just be happy for what's making her happy. I understood that there are just people that simply don't jibe. We're that people. But, it doesn't mean there's nothing worthwhile to reminisce. She was a significant part of my life. Two trying years of my life. She, somehow, helped in opening my eyes to the real world. What's out there. We were both scared and shy. But, I knew she was stronger. Braver.

Someone said, "she touched people's lives". I couldn't agree more. She did. In so many ways.

Honestly, I hate myself for saying these things now that it's too late for her to know. To hear what I've been meaning to say. I could've fought my fears and made that brave act of sending her that note. I didn't. She will never know that I cared. She will never know how I felt about her. How she hurt me. How she inspired me. How she encouraged me. How she affected me good and bad. This is all pointless.

Guess, I only need an outlet to get this off my chest. The regrets. The "I could'ves". She's gone. I had already forgiven myself for not trying harder. My heart will continue to grieve. For how long, only time will tell.








✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐

A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...

✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐