Just scribbling words on scraps of litter...

If every person gets to ask first what will it cost them to give love, would there be a single individual who would voluntarily offer to?

Musing about the word "expectation", I came to ask this question. Now, I can only vividly recall how my train of thoughts about the matter came into being. Oh, because I hear too many people say, "had I known..." ..."I had given my all" ...  And, no, I am not exempt from this. I had prolly uttered the same or could be that  it had conceived in my mind for quite a while and is about to birth anytime soon.

I was hanging my clothes a few hours ago when I suddenly uttered, "I am tired". It's, actually, addressed to God as a prayer. Silly it is. Who am I to complain? Thinking deeper, I thought about what pain could God be feeling, Himself, because of me ...that I can just whine and quit trying to be patient with and kind to others? How can I not be gracious when HE is with and to me?

Lemme talk about the "had I known" and "I had given my all" first.

So, had anyone known that it cost too much to love, would they still do? Why would anyone waste their energy, time, tears and everything for nothing? Made me realize the natural inclination of humans to expect. It's innate. It isn't something one learns over time through painful experiences. It's just a matter of time before it shows up evident. But, it's there within and is usually triggered by emotions.

I used to believe (and was fully convinced) that am one of the few who can give without expectations...without any return of investments... until I started regretting having done so much for certain people who, in the end, only bruised me. At first, I was so convinced that it's a valid gesture/response to recount every good deed I had done for another. My reason (rather excuse/alibi) was I wasn't expecting  they'd return the favor with interest. For me, just don't do me wrong is enough. I strongly held on to the idea that it's easy and normal to pay kindness with kindness. Unfortunately, though, turns out it's more natural to pay evil with evil ...even kindness with evil. That's prolly why someone came up with this line: "don't bite the hand that feeds you" ...I realized. Because one can offer kindness but it is the opposite that is usually returned.

I've always believed that if you sow kindness, it is kindness that you will reap...and even better. I thought if you treat people kindly, they'll follow suit. I was wrong. They will appreciate it but there's not a guarantee they'll treat you the same way. And if you are the kind of person who is gentle and meek, you gotta guard yourself never to lose your gentleness and meekness no matter how people treat you. Imagine, double the work! Yeah, you're kind, yet you gotta exceed that. But, I guess, nature is nature. You don't really have to work hard at it. Like a deer...like a dove...like a sheep... a kind and meek person remains meek regardless of any threat.

Could be another "alibi" I might grab is true again...that it's instinctive to fight for your right... or for your very own safety ...or even for your life... that drives you to war against the object that causes harm. Like being around a flock of ravenous beasts will extract the strength and courage out from inside of you you never thought you have all along. Then, you survive once...twice...thrice...or more until it's turned you into a beast just like the ones you're battling with. Only your reason appears to be more valid and lesser evil. But, truth is, regardless of the motivation, the deed, the action, the reaction...it is just the SAME. It isn't good. No wonder the Bible says, "do not repay evil with evil but repay evil with good." Because you'll only know you're set apart when the rest of the wold's the same and you remain different. What the Word refers to as "in the world but not of the world".

Tough, radical, and IMPOSSIBLE but I guess nature IS nature. You'll simply remain what you truly are. A dog doesn't cease to be a dog when it ceases to bark. It's still a dog and it only takes a situation to make it bark again. Sometimes, people show another side of them when threatened, perhaps.

Well... humans have emotions. They're creatures of emotions. I am human. Am not sure what my real nature is right now but I'd say there are stimuli that makes me react another way and boy I sure don't like the way I am when I am like that! Something inside of me revolts, in fact. Maybe, when you aren't comfortable how you are, it isn't your nature. Something is alerting you that you are already being another person. I never felt satisfied paying back people wrong. Though, yeah, it comes to a point every so often that I regret doing good to bad people. My mind argues that there are people who simply don't deserve good but bad because they are bad. But, another part of my mind refutes and insist that I don't even deserve so many things. I better be conscientious enough to refuse when being given things I know I don't deserve, then, right?

Figured out why there are so may people who don't know how to receive love. It's not that they don't know how. It's, actually, because at the back of their minds operate powerfully the idea of "deserve". You-gotta-earn-it-first-before-you-can-enjoy-it.

"I gave my all"... "I did this and that for you"... says the group from one side and the other group hollers, "nobody told you to!" Twas just a scene from outside of me until I started belonging to the first groupie. A time came when I wasn't anymore a spectator but a participant. And how painful it is to accept a rebut like that -- "I didn't ask for it. Don't blame me. I owe you none!" Seriously.

I thought about it and they've got a point. True. It's a voluntary act. Nobody held a gun to my head for me to do anything for them so, why even use a line like that as if to blackmail? hmmm...  and I tried to draw my motive behind having said or even thought of that. Well, figured, twas out of pain. Nothing more. Like a reaction to an open wound. OUCH! I'd say anything mindlessly as a reaction to what strong emotion/feeling I feel. But, could I have done the same good things to that same persons had I know I'd only be betrayed? Not quite certain with my answer, actually. I don't wanna be self-righteous nor overly critical of myself. Well, there are instances when I act and react like a pundit -- I have learned enough. I know better now -- and there are moments when I find myself being the same old me as if I never learned a lesson and still expose myself to danger. How do you call that? hmmm...

I conclude that being tired is a fact of life. It's part of every person because we all have our own thresholds. And, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong verbalizing it.  (Thank God He looks at the heart and not the actions alone!) What makes a whole lotta difference is how one reacts to being tired. It's like I am tired now. I experience how it's like so I don't  want to have anything to do with things that will cause me more of that. Nuh-ah! Hands off! But, I think that reaction is completely wrong. NEVER allow being tired to get the best of you. That's why God has offered us to "enter His rest". Being tired is just but for a moment, which can be remedied...otherwise, just be dead. That's the only time we have no other option. I'd say, rest in God's peace and be restored. We're not without help and hope.

Typing all these using my very high-end phone along the fire escape stairs is one heck of an experience!

Time check, it's 6:34 am. Going back to my crib now. Zzzzz   

-- A delayed post from 11.29.2012

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I wonder why when people face pain in relationships the first and automatic response is usually to sever bonds in stead of maintaining commitment... *frowns*

“People are not the Source of Love. They are the object that we give love to.”

“I feel too much. That's what's going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways? My insides don't match up with my outsides. Do anyone's insides and outsides match up? I don't know. I'm only me. Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside. But it's worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” 

―  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I used to think that everything in the world fell into categories: Black or white; right or left; up or down; front or back. Just either of any two. Eventually, as I gained experience in living I came to understand that some things fall into wrong and some things fall into right, yes. Others are placed under black category and some others under white category. YET, so many things in this world aren't really EITHER. Most things aren't black, aren't white, aren't wrong, aren't right...but are simply DIFFERENT. And, there is NOTHING wrong with DIFFERENT. In fact, we just gotta let things be different. We ought to allow people to be different. We need not try or force to make them black or white. We just have to let them be whatever color they really are. And if you truly LOVE someone, you don't try to make them who you wish or want them to be. Defining them is like a whirlpool that sucks them in and drowns them. I realized that we gotta stop telling people who to be and how to live by placing expectations on them and then base our own happiness on whether or not they follow through. And then, feel bad if they don't. We have our own portraits. Each one of us chooses our own canvas. Let's allow each other to choose which canvas we want. RESPECT is the word. Because we, each one of us, are created uniquely for a purpose.

It's funny how people try to convince themselves that they love unconditionally. Yeah, there could be some "unconditional" there but it's really never FREE. They don't really give the ones they love freedom. At the back of their minds, they always want something in return. Or, they always DESERVE something in return because they did this and that. The best example is, they want you to be happy, which makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy if you're not. You're supposed to be who they think you ought to be and feel how you ought to feel ONLY because they LOVE YOU and when you can't give them that, they start feeling bad. So, you also feel bad. That's such an unnecessary responsibility and baggage! If only we can just let people be them, we don't have to live with so much disappointments.

Funnier thing is, often, we get to have ideas in mind about another person (it's always another person NOT US) but never thought the same about ourselves. Like thinking that there are people seeing only either black or white. We tell ourselves that certain people just see things black or white and not realizing that there's also grey. Yet, the way we impose on them what we think IS or IS NOT...isn't that trying to drag them into which color you're in, which is either black or white?! Clinging to a mindset or a belief -- "this is how things should be"--  isn't it either any of the categories I mentioned earlier? I mean, there's like billions of people in the world with different personalities and perspective. We can't be enforcing to them what our perspective is about love, friendship, or whatever only because we want them to see from our viewpoint. We gotta allow them to think for themselves and if one day, they start seeing from our viewpoint, then, much better. If it never happens, then, RESPECT should be given them still. And so, it's just but fair to not make them feel bad about sticking to a point of view they've always had... or a personality which has always been them. As one of my fave authors puts it...

“It is when we think we can act like God, that all respect is lost, and I think this is the downfall of peace. We lie if we say we do not see color and culture and difference. We fool ourselves and cheat ourselves when we say that all of us are the same. We should not want to be the same as others and we should not want others to be the same as us. Rather, we ought to glory and shine in all of our differences, flaunting them fabulously for all to see! It is never a conformity that we need! We need not to conform! What we need is to burst out into all these beautiful colors!”  ― C. JoyBell C

No, we can't and should never insinuate "conformity" by making people feel bad about the kind of person they are or the kind of decision they make by treating them a certain way to make it obvious that we're upset. Maturity is evident when you can just live around all sorts of people without getting too affected by who they are, what they can and can't perform, and how they live their life. It's like walking through an unfamiliar place and as you see things you just say, "oh, that's an Oak tree. It looks sturdier than the rest of the other trees I've seen so far." or..."that's a scorpion. It stings, so I gotta be careful in dealing with it." We can't be hating a scorpion only because its nature is what it is. We can make adjustments and not show any resentment for what it is not. And even if it stings us, it is foolish to get upset or angry because we know that it really does, just given the chance. So, we just let it pass and learn how to deal with it better next time. PERSPECTIVE.  (Indeed, looking at the same rose bush, some people complain that the roses have thorns while others rejoice that some thorns come with roses.) 

Similarly, people have their own nature. That's why there are heartless criminals, there are psychopaths, there are maudlins...and there are enthusiastic ones, faithful, trusting and forgiving... Yet, we can't place them in a box. We can't just define them for there are things inside of them that we do not see. And we'll never be able to see them once we start defining them. 

I think it's the same with friendship and love. So many writers, poets, authors, intelligent people...tried to define what these words mean. And, too many people who haven't really experienced enough in life just grab a definition which fits their belief. But, what really is friendship? What really is love? For all I know, the Bible talks about God is love and love is God. This is the most accurate definition and description I consider. Why? Because in Matthew 26, Jesus calls Judas Iscariot “friend.” Yes, the one who betrayed Him, which led Him to be spitted on, tortured and finally crucified on the cross of Calvary. And this event happened right after the betrayal. He knew he was going to betray Him, but He still considered him FRIEND. While the world defines friendship and love in many ways,  God defined it radically. It's love that makes friendship. And in this picture, Jesus' love for Judas was without expectation nor condition. It's just is. Judas need not prove anything to Jesus. He did not even have to be a friend to Him. 

Must we judge that Judas had not been a friend to Jesus? I'd say NO. We have no right to judge anyone's motives because we simply DON'T KNOW. We can just guess based on the act. But, then, let's not forget that he committed suicide after returning the silver coins. Is't just out of guilt? Even so. Because you wouldn't really feel guilty, anyway, if you don't really care about the person. Why, I know of people who are filled with so much rage that all they think about is to avenge themselves and after doing so, don't feel any guilt! I mean, judging based on action isn't absolutely fair because there's a lot in every person that need to be considered. That's why the Bible tells us, "do not judge." Our judgments may be right based on facts and observations but there are still things left unseen by our naked eyes.

What am practically emphasizing here, I guess, is how radically God defined love and even friendship. And, everyday, He defines love and friendship over and over by the grace He showers all us. By giving us things we don't even deserve at all. He has foreknowledge of what mistakes, sins, disobedience, unfaithfulness, etc., we're gonna do next. Yet, HE calls us friends and HE loves us, anyway. 

By saying this, I am not making a suggestion that we all must love radically. God respects our differences and so I am choosing to respect differences, as well. How I wish I have His strength to forgive anyone who does me wrong even before the act is committed, so I can love and maintain friendship without reservations. I wish! But, true enough, His grace is sufficient. I can't but I am able to because He lavishes me with love (and friendship) that I don't even deserve. Everyday, I fail. I fall short of His glory. But, well, I am still alive and breathing and moving...these things we won't even allow anyone if we were gods because we base things on whether a person deserves things or not. We're into this reward & punishment-system too much that we think anybody who doesn't reach our standard shouldn't belong. The you're-not-a-real-friend-because-you-aren't-this-and-that..." kinda mentality. The world's mentality. More and more I am understanding why the Bible says, "do not anymore conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed inwardly by the renewing of your mind." Because it's nothing but self-seeking. It's after self-interest. If God thought the same way the world thinks, we're NO MORE. 

My thoughts are rather, unconventional, yes...though, I may not love in a radical way, yet. But, I'm a work-in-progress. Guess, I just need to get this off my chest for now because it's causing my heart to burst already!!! Expectations are everywhere and pressure builds up inside. I just wish people will be considerate in thinking that other people are going through tough times, too...just like they are, so at least, they'd stop questioning, "why are they like this and that...?" "Why can't they and I can...?" I was once this kind of person, actually. Always critical of people because I base things on what I can do and what I am doing. I realized, a fact ― we are all different. And our differences are what give color, excitement and beauty to life. How boring would life be if everything is the same. Makes me remember the movie, "Pleasantville".

Toodle-oo for now, peeps! Hopeful that I'd be able to consistently blog again. 

“It is only when you accept how different you all are, that you will be able to see how much the same you all are. Don't expect anybody to be the same as you, then you will see that you are in many ways the same as everybody.”

― C. JoyBell C