“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.”

My first post for the New Year. *BIG SMILE*

It's 2009. Another chance More opportunities to grab to improve quality of life and live with purpose. New Year's resolutions? Not that I don't believe the list can help. But, so far most in the list only end up another failure(ssssss). More reasons that people get disappointed with themselves. Myself included.

Looking back, I didn't really have any resolutions at all. Except those times when my professors told the class to make one. Maybe, I found it pointless. Dunno. Not until the last few months of 2008 when I began listing down "daily" resolutions and go back to the lists time and again to see if I am keeping up with them. It's more effective, in fact. As I have my resolutions handy since they're in my small notebook, which I always bring along with me. It's become more like a TO DO list. This is what I'd rather suggest for everyone to do.

2008 was a good year for me. Not because everything that happened that year was wonderful. It's more of because the way I view things changed completely. No regrets. No bitterness. No grumbling. No discontentment. No more 'could've beens'. Past is long gone. There's tomorrow to look forward to and present to live by. I resolve to not anymore say, "I wish I were...", "it could've been better if...", "if only...". Whatever that did not happen in my past meant not to happen for reasons. I don't need to know the reasons. If the reasons appear right under my nose, I'd be thankful my questions have been answered. If they don't come at all, I'd still be thankful because I am a better person today.

Things do happen. Sometimes they have to happen. I won't say that I have completely let go of the bitterness that locked me inside my bubble. But, I have learned to accept everything. Besides, if it weren't for the bad experiences, my full potential won't ever be unleashed. It's the sad events in my life that gave me deeper understanding and discernment. I can never be more thankful in my life had I not gained wisdom. So, I choose to look back with thanksgiving. Whether the memory I have to remember is sad or happy. Because I am here to live today to serve my purpose and not everyone is given that privilege. So, I will live each day with so much meaning and purpose.

While browsing some Happy New Year! glitter comments I had seen some comments like, "Goodbye 2008! You s%#k!" ... "2008, am glad you're over!" ... Poor 2008 (or whatever year). When it's not really the years that make or break people. It's always people. How they view things. How they deal with situations. Fact is, we're all so prepared receiving good things but never prepared for the trials. So, when what we call bad luck happens, we have no idea how to get by. We sulk and stay in one corner and believe that "life is unfair".

The best way to start each year is to acknowledge that not-so-good-things can happen. Days can be rough on us. But, with good disposition, we can always get by and survive triumphantly. Knowing that things just happen and accepting that they are not always in favor of us, we can ready ourselves whatever might come along. And, entrusting our cares to GOD will better help us more.

If remembering sad experiences is inevitable, remember them and think of their positive effects in your life.

I never always received what I wanted. My dad was not the very generous one. In our household, exchanging of gifts was never a practice. And not so many people remember to give me Christmas presents. Yes, not even my godparents. Not even my relatives. Not even my closest friends. So, as a child, Christmas eve for me was nothing extraordinary. It's just like any other day except there were colorful lights, Christmas tree, carols and more food. But, in stead of being bitter about this, I can just revel on what it taught me -- that real joy and true happiness do not come from material things. It taught me the meaning of contentment. I didn't grow up believing that receiving gifts is extremely necessary to make one happy or to make a Christmas eve fun. What it taught me was something more meaningful. That is the urge to make someone else happy. And this is nothing that is forced. It comes from within. A sincere desire to contribute something to another's happiness. Sums up to a trait called, selflessness.

The trait I just mentioned may not appeal to all. This is a trait prone to abuse as two of my closest and sensible friends would tell me. And, I know it for a fact. But, who deserves what? is what I ask myself all the time. If I received Christmas presents each Christmas when I was a child, it still won't change anything. I deserve not any present if to consider all the bad things against the good I had done. "Deserve" is such a strong word for me. If for each good thing I do I'd get a star and for every bad a star taken back, there won't be anything left and it could even be not just zero but a negative with a 2-digit number, maybe.

Yes, I am too critical with myself. And I struggle trying to do what's right and proper all the time as much as I can, although, most of the time I fail. It's been my hobby. I evaluate myself a lot unfairly most of the time. But, I am happier this way than fool myself into thinking that I have been righteous and deserve so much more. Then, end up being selfish. My heart is just not created this way. Unfortunately for me. So, instead of my heart condemning me each time, I rather make myself happy with pain from not getting what I deserve. I do end up broken hearted but, at least, fulfilled.

Not a lot will understand. Foolish, maybe. Naive. But, this is my heart. And it's what it wants. I do not want this, if you ask me. But, I am bound to make use of what gift I have, which is compassion. Although, there is still one thing I need to work on, to forgive.

With all these said, I can add another blessing from 2008. I have sincere and caring friends. Not so many, but real. They look after me which I can't do for myself because I am bound to do something that serves my life's purpose. They are mirrors that tell me what I cannot see. Because they love me, they strive to open up my eyes to the reality of the world, which used to be unknown to me. Not to turn me into a callous person, but to protect me from unforseen emotional anguish. They may have seen me stubborn and impractical, but they embraced me like that. Perhaps, they are thinking their suggestions are not even considered. They just don't know. But, what's important is they remain. Aren't they splendid blessings? To me, they are.

I love 2008 because it brought me out of my depressive state. For the past years before 2008, I had been lonely. There was no meaning in my life although there were so many things accomplished and achieved. I became wiser. And, I learned to understand what the "grace of GOD" truly means. It taught me that I don't need to struggle because I can trust GOD. There are things that I can do and so many things I cannot. And those that I cannot do, I should lift up to HIM and let HIM do the work for me while I keep myself busy with those that I can. It's liberating. Because I came to the point when I can't anymore stop ...with this in mind, "so little time so much to do". So, I kept moving. And each failure ...I tortured myself. Twas such a bondage. Intoxicating. Slowly killing me.

When I acknowledged my dependence to GOD, HE freed me from the bondage I myself welcomed in my life. HE spoke to me and said, "Struggle no more. Let ME carry you." And boy, the next thing I know, I felt so light. There was lesser burden. And as I lift up my burdens to HIM each prayer, I feel HIS love moving in my life. Crawling through my system. So, the compassion that is already in me becomes greater by the day.

GOD made me realize so many things:

One, that I am just like everybody else, HUMAN. Not and can never be righteous. So, even if I struggle to be one, I will only fail. So, I was released from that bondage of condemning my own self.

Two, I cannot do things on my own. I know no better so HE gave me real friends.

Three, HIS grace is sufficient. I should not fret. HE will provide. I will NEVER be empty.

Four, there is no point worrying when HE is at work. HE knows what I need before I even ask. Just like our parents give us things they think are best for us, GOD knows what is best for us. Nobody else knows better than HIM.

Five, HE has forgiven me and will always ready to forgive my weaknesses, failures and sins so I should also forgive myself and move on. Waking up a better person each blunder.

Six, that my deeds will never be enough. Because HIS weaknesses are still greater than my strengths. And my strengths are worse than HIS weaknesses. This taught me the real essence of the word humility.

Seven, everything that is given by HIM is absolute. Nothing can take anything from us if it's given by GOD.

Eight, if it is just hard to trust, I should just trust GOD because HIS promises never fail.

Nine, although, everything has reasons, I should be content not knowing what. It is better to just put my trust in HIM and go on. Searching for answers can only hamper my mission. I'd only get stuck. Then, in the end, knowing the reason only makes me bitter.

Ten, I am not alone. Never was. Nuf said.

Eleven, accepting myself including my weaknesses and failures is one way to improve myself, and not to mention, is very liberating. I no longer wish things should've been different like I used to. Now, I am not anymore stuck to accomplishing nothing. Past is past. There is nothing that can be undone. But, there is so much that I can do with my present. And my future is much more promising.

Twelve, I now know that I am designed this way for a very good purpose. So, there is nothing to resent about. Both my strengths and weaknesses serve some special purpose in my life's journey.

...still too many to list down here...

...Now, I can say with all gladness that since the day I was born, my years have been nothing but blessings. No single year had been a bad one. From this day forward, I will look back with thanksgiving because GOD has been good to me.

No need for me to list down all material blessings I received last year for me to say it was a good year. No material thing can equal the joy that is in my heart right now for what GOD has done in my life. And my wish this year is that all people will give themselves a chance to experience this same joy. Real joy.

Happy and A BLESSED New Year, all!!!

Me? I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for.

Sometimes I wonder what things I am free to do. Y'know, things that normally people do whenever they wish. Like be wherever they want to, leave the house anytime of the day and have fun, eat out alone or with friends, pick any food anywhere when hungry, be with the crowd without fear of getting harrassed... the ordinary things. Every now and then, I dream to experience the common. Be just like everybody else. And even for a short moment, forget about who I am and my fears & the dangers out there.

"What does the world expect from you?" -- a pretty tough question for me. Honestly, I have no idea. Who knows? What is "the world", in the first place? Is it just one or two or three important persons in my life? Is it composed of only my family, relatives and friends? Is it all the people within the community I belong to? Is there a general collective expectation the Earth expects from me? Who are expecting something from me, by the way?

I believe I have some sort of responsibilities to people who I know. All them have some expectations. Do I have to act on each of their expectations? Does a man live to meet these expectations and call himself a failure for each unmet ones? Is it one's fault if he don't meet a certain expectation and cause another person to stumble?

Maybe it's just my deep thoughts why I came up with these questions. Cause it's only when you already know your life's purpose that you start asking countless questions. Or, could it be just me trying to find fault in myself in stead of just accepting the fact that people choose to fail? That people choose to be who they rather be?

Last night, there was this urge within me to stay up. Something was dragging me out of the house. An unexplained urge to be outside my small world. I didn't want to sleep just yet and I wasn't at all dozy nor exhausted. My head was a bit aching after the fellowship and long mall walk, but, my body refused to rest. Just after I finished writing my yesterday's journal, an opportunity to answer the urge came. Thought 'twas a good reason for me to get out of the house to take a few minutes walk.

Totsie was to pick up Jam (his girlfriend) from her night job in a fast food resto just 15 mins away from my place. That was minutes past midnight. I decided to go with him together with two other friends. We didn't walk to this fast food chain where Jam might already be waiting as planned. Instead, we took a jeep. When we reached our destination, Jam's shift was still not over. We had to wait but we decided to just stay outside since all of us were still full and we all didn't want to be tempted to have some bites. Didn't think it'll take long.

We were just walking around the first few mins while we wait. Looking around if there's anything nice to see or buy. Then, we ended up just standing in front of the fast food resto for longer time. More minutes passed.... a lil later, as we stood beside the glass door, a group of men stepped out of the ffr. One of them (wearing a black undershirt) stared at me as they walked passed all 4 of us. I gave him a short glance then looked away. Shortly, I noticed he was still nearby. Giving quick glances at me while talking to his companions & at times to someone over his phone. I knew he was interested in me, but I didn't mind. These things are nothing new. And for that night alone, there had been so many short and long glimpses directed at me for me to even give a fuss.

After a couple of minutes, I noticed his presence again. Longer distance than earlier, though. Then, they walked away once more. A few minutes later, he's back again but this time, with more companions... outnumbering us. They all went inside the ffr pretending they're making another purchase... they kept doing this... appearing and reappearing but changing the routine each time...until eventually, as if trying to surround us each successive instance. Each time he reappeared, there were more men with him. I was keeping my mind away from the sitch. Didn't want to be scared and ruin my night. Until, one o'them stood next to one of my friends to my right. At that time, I was not yet worried. Trying to dismiss the idea that he (the guy in black u-shirt) would go any far only because he's interested in me.

My friend was holding on to the pepper spray inside his pocket. Prepared for what might transpire. I was still calm... not understanding what was happening. Shortly, I figured this guy who stood beside my friend had a sharp weapon with him w/c he readied. GOD is so good, though, HE did something about the situation. An acquaintance of Totsie came who happened to be a friend of the gang. He tried stopping them from what they planned to do and insisted they all go home. They did.

Once they were gone, the ffr guard talked to us and invited us inside and told us the group was ganging up on us. So, what we were all thinking were correct. We all tried to be quiet of what we thought about the entire thing avoiding panic among us. Turned out we were all thinking the same.

We decided to wait for Jam inside. At that point, I was already upset and scared. I couldn't believe we were a split second away from trouble. All those times, I tried real hard to not burst into tears.

I thought it was over. After Totsie ordered cups of ice cream and some fries, they were back again. The number multiplied. About 10 or more. We were like dead meat surrounded by hungry tigers. Trapped inside without escape. The manager of the ffr was kind enough to offer help. She was, in fact, the one who ordered the guard to let us in. She personally spoke to us she's gonna have someone call authorities for us to file complaints and to make sure we can go home safely. She did. And I sincerely thank her from my heart for the help she offered. Just I wasn't able to get her name.

A few minutes later, the guard came back to us and told us the policemen were already waiting outside. We were scared to leave the place but, he said policemen are not allowed inside. I understood why. So, one of my friends stood up and headed to attend to the policemen. That moment, I already broke into tears. They had to keep reassuring me he'll be fine.

Not long after, we were all asked to come out. We were let inside the police mobile, which was parked just some steps away. A few minutes talk, then we were escorted home. 'Twas such a relief we reached home in one piece.

I was scared. And all that happened to me in the past were relived. How most of my male friends and some admirers were harmed because of me... the stalkings... the freak exhibitionists... some of the many reasons why I shut my doors to the world. Why I view the world as an unsafe place to live in.

Now, I can only be thankful no one was harmed. Although, it's still really not over, I'd rather think it is. Jam and Totsie are still frequenting that place. Jam's still working in the same branch. Who knows they won't be back to get information about me? How I wish they never knew Totsie, Jam and I know each other, so there won't be any reason for them to go back there. But, I'd still hope that it's all just for that night. That they woke up today not remembering anything from last night.