Don’t Borrow Hate That Isn’t Yours

I've watched it play out countless times in my life—nice people growing cold and harsh toward someone they barely know, simply because a friend, family member, or colleague whispered poison in their ear. No personal injury. No direct conflict. Just secondhand resentment passed along like some twisted inheritance. And every single time, I find myself thinking, "What in the world did that person actually do to YOU?"

We're living in strange times where showing loyalty has somehow morphed into adopting hostility. If your friend is upset with someone, there's this unspoken pressure that you should match their anger or you're somehow betraying them. That you're expected to choose sides, form judgments, and construct emotional barriers over situations you never personally experienced or witnessed. It's subtle manipulation, but profoundly destructive. And remember, the "enemy" doesn't need to be loud to be effective. He prefers the quiet work of division.

You absolutely don't have to shoulder burdens that aren't yours to carry! When someone dumps their emotional wounds in your lap, that doesn't obligate you to transform their pain into your personal vendetta. There exists a critical boundary between offering genuine support and allowing yourself to be manipulated. That line gets trampled when authentic love deteriorates into gossip, and what started as empathy becomes a thinly-veiled excuse for spreading malice.

The world's broken logic says: "If they wounded someone I care about, I'm obligated to despise them too."

But Scripture speaks differently: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone... Do not take revenge... but leave room for God's wrath..." —Romans 12:17-19

God never commissioned us to become amplifiers of other people's unresolved grievances! He called us to walk in spiritual discernment, to love truthfully without compromise, and to deal justly with everyone. This means you don't trash someone's character because your relative had a falling out with them. You don't throw side-glances and cold shoulders because a coworker fed you their one-sided narrative. And you certainly don't drag someone's reputation through the mud because you received vague "warnings" without any substantial evidence.

I'm not dismissing genuine hurt, don't get me wrong. People absolutely experience real pain and betrayal. But really...as complex as it may be... you can stand firmly with someone who's hurting while simultaneously refusing to inherit their bitterness. You can provide genuine support without allowing their resentment to take root in your own heart.

The uncomfortable reality is that when we adopt others' offenses, it fundamentally distorts our perception. We begin viewing people through clouded lenses of hearsay rather than clear-eyed truth. Once that happens, you become spiritually entangled in the same web as the wounded person.

I've painfully discovered (through my own stubborn mistakes) that peace often flourishes precisely in those moments when I choose restraint. When I keep my opinions to myself about situations where I lack firsthand knowledge. When I refuse to participate in giving the cold shoulder or making cutting remarks simply because someone else is emotionally charged. That's not being spineless or disloyal. That's displaying godly wisdom.

Proverbs 18:17 cuts straight to the heart of this: "The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him."

This means that hearing one perspective, no matter how convincing, doesn't constitute the complete truth. Unless you've witnessed the entire situation—without prejudice or bias—you have no legitimate standing to render judgment. You might end up harboring resentment toward someone who was actually striving for reconciliation all along.

Over the years, I've lost tremendous respect for those who tried pressuring me to join their campaigns of hostility. Conversely, I've gained profound respect for those mature enough to say, "That situation is between you and them. I'm choosing not to get entangled." That's authentic spiritual maturity. That's genuine strength. That's how you safeguard your spirit from contamination.

If you're reading these words while feeling caught in someone else's emotional drama, take this as divine permission: release yourself from it. Disentangle your heart. Give yourself the freedom to form independent judgments based on your own experiences. More importantly, earnestly ask God to help you perceive others as He does—not through the distorted lens of someone else's woundedness, but through His perfect truth and boundless mercy.

Because ultimately, hatred is an oppressive burden—even when it wasn't originally yours.

And friend, God never designed your heart to carry such toxic weight.