"...nice but seems removed..."

Lately, because I have been very stressed and wounded... I kept myself shut from the world.

Somehow, it felt like I can't understand myself anymore. The "me" has become someone I have never met in my entire life.

This led me to review my personality type -- INFJ. And somehow, I understood myself better, but not necessarily entirely. It helped but there's still a need to work on a lotta things.

...and I know it's not only me who felt that I suddenly started acting like a different person. Those who sincerely care about (for) me have felt the same strangeness in the way I deal with them. Somehow, it made me feel bad.

...and so I want them to at least understand me ...without questions.

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A common complaint about the INFJ female is that she is "nice but seems removed." ...People feel this about her even though they would admit that in fact she's always there when needed, quietly dependable, steady. Female INFJs must work hard to be understood and may find themselves being taken for granted because of their own failure to make their needs known. Consequently, when they do express their needs, it seems out of character and can lead to general disbelief, which, of course, is frustrating to the female INFJ.

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Yes, I do feel exactly this way. And if only I can carry a sign board hanging on my neck (all the time) that says, "Please Understand Me..." I'd do it. But of course, I'd look so like a &$#%@! hahaha Just fill in the missing word (or words).

How true that I blame myself for problems I did not even create! Can be so frustrating at times...

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more about INFJ...

...you look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate you and hang with them....you're gentle and don't like violence... you don't call a lot of attention to yourself... you like to let your accomplishments do your talking... you don't like the "politics" at work.. you'd rather be able to talk honestly with people than "play games."

Leisure time usually is solitary or involves the company of others particularly important to you...you're perfectly happy just sitting around with close buds discussing feelings...you'd rather have longstanding friends than make many new acquaintances... these deep friendships are important to you, even though you may not share much about yourself...

When you're scorned, you take it personally and retreat inward...you may obsess about the relationship and your role in the failure...you blame yourself for a failed relationship and might even need a period of mourning.

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I do remember how when scolded at or treated wrongly, I'd just retreat to my own world. I'd start thinking "what the hell did I do to deserve that kind of treatment?" Would not stop evaluating my deeds and actions....my words even.

...(but) just like what Binkie would tell me (like almost every time)... I will just forgive them in no time. Like nothing happened!

No effort needed. All of a sudden I'd just resolve to putting the blame on myself and forget about the cruelty done to me. blah! blah! blah!

...and I'd just let those *#@^#$%@ get away with their wrongdoings... then the cycle will just go on and on and on... like endless.

(AGAIN)...and I think I've reiterated this several times ALREADY... I don't like attention! So, please if you even want to become popular, GOSSIP about yourselves in stead!

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...and sommore...

They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

They never push people away and are always prepared to listen for as long as it takes to make others feel better, even if they theoretically have better things to do. INFjs are always ready to help friends in difficult life situations. They care not with words but with real actions.

INFjs do not really make good cheats or frauds. This however, does not stop them from trying sometimes. And even if they do, they are likely to feel pretty bad about themselves afterwards. This gives INFjs a reputation as naive and impractical people.

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...which is oh sooo true! Nuf said!

...and because I want you to understand me, might as well post my negative tendencies when in great stress, pain and whatever!

Not that I can't handle troubles...but I just become too overwhelmed by emotions...

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My very negative attitudes when overly wounded...

* May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others
* May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it
* May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others
* May be intolerant of weaknesses in others
* May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture
* May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others
* May have an intense and quick temper
* May be tense, wound up and find it difficult to relax
* May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people
* May be wishy-washy and unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making
* May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others
* May see so many tangents everywhere that they can't stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture

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Just copied this from personality type page. And I have to agree I can be like this when so in pain. I didn't include a few lines that never happened to me yet FYI. (in case you check the link)

Funny because I was actually reading something that is sooo ME. Almost couldn't believe it. But it feels good cause I have discovered some important details about myself.

If you want to understand yourself too...esp those who have been in constant search for answers...maybe you just have to get acquainted with yourself...try this!

Note: Just felt like blogging ...but without a clear idea what to write about. So, just learn about me for now.

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!

Lesson for the day. No truth about customers being ALWAYS right. This is just what we (as customers) want to believe in. But definitely NOT if we're behind that counter.

There was no taxi service scarcity today. The service reached my place exactly on time. Only I was not yet done preparing. Which only means the driver had to wait (as usual).



Hippo needed to remind me to hurry. I hate each time he does that. Am such a sloth and I CANNOT move any faster than 15 feet per minute! Blah! Of course this is another stretching of the truth. Haha

...anyway...

Finally, I was out. The cab door was opened for me and so I got in. The driver asked for the destination and I politely answered.

The man was old, a little bald with some white hair showing from beneath his red baseball cap. Not the ordinary looking Filipino driver, I must say. Exactly how Hippo described him to me. He's more of Spanish descent. Mestizo and reddish. Even thought he could be the owner of 24/7 taxi service posing as a driver for whatever reasons! Nah! Another wild imagination.

Going back... we had a very short conversation, which went like this...

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Mestizo Driver: Where are we heading?

~ Paper tiger ~: To Shell Maya

Mestizo Driver: Right at Shell Maya, is't?

~ Paper tiger ~: No. After Shell Maya, a few buildings after... at Telecoms Plaza.

Meztizo Driver: Just along Buendia...

~ Paper Tiger ~: Yes. Buendia, that is.

Mestizo Driver: Ok, (imperative tone) You're late. 10 minutes.

~ Paper Tiger ~: *blank*

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long silence...

He like slapped into my face how I make taxi drivers wait! (of course not literally) No matter how short the wait, it doesn't matter. TIME is precious.

Yes, I am paying them. I pay extra 50 PhP for the pick up plus the fare from my place to office (measured by a meter), which runs from 89 PhP to 102 PhP. Most often than not, I give extra 20 PhP for tip. This is out of the question, though. Because, in real sense, I definitely have to pay for their good service, right?

What I feel guilty about is I am (have been) taking their precious time (no matter how brief) from them. It could only be just 5 minutes, 10 minutes, yes...what is 5 minutes anyway?

...but time is something that cannot be returned when lost (or wasted). It cannot tick backwards. It doesn't have undo button. Every second passed is already history.

When I was applying for a job for the first time, I experienced having to wait for hours. I didn't like it. I so DETEST it! For me, no one has the right to take so much of my time because it's MINE. They can waste all their time all they want but I would never allow them to make me wait like that AGAIN. Not because I am the one applying or for the lack of better term, asking for something (job that is), I should be so humble and let them just take away every minute of my time.

I recalled all this during my entire trip to office (which just took only about 45 minutes...imagine?!!!). Was reminded of the GOLDEN RULE. I hate when people make me wait. So, why am I making these drivers wait, too?!

Am I so like those HR people that set schedules for applicants' job interview...(?) The very eager and equally nervous applicant comes in, at most, an hour early before his time. Minutes after minutes...eventually turned into hours, many applicants are already in the waiting area. One brave applicant breaks the deafening silence and talks to the one beside him...

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Applicant 1: What time is your schedule?

Applicant 2: 9:30, and you?

Applicant 1: We have the same sched.

The rest of the applicants: what?!!!!!

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In short, they are made to wait there for more hours than they should. What? Because they're just applicants? That they're the one needing jobs so they have to suffer like that? The you-want-it-go-geddit freakin attitude! Grrrr!

I so hate that scenario. I promised myself I won't ever let ANYONE do that to me. This is my time...it's not theirs. They got absolutely NO right to waste it for their own fatuousness.

...but today and the past 2 years...I have done the same to those poor drivers... *sniffs* I am GUILTY.

Am so sorry.

Am I bad?

Note: Dunno if my intro is even relevant. Whatever!