A new friend suggested that I write about "breaking up". I have no idea how to start it. And I just finished talking with my ex. While we were talking, there were ideas coming in and I was like trying to make them lodge in my recollection for until I put the receiver down. By the moment we're over and done with talking, the ideas just took off in a half shake. Good luck to me!
Ok. Shoot.
Five years had gone by. This was not the first time I conversed with him (my ex), though. He started phoning me December of last year. Well, I can’t really remember the exact month. But it sure was last year.
I don’t know if it is a coincidence that he chanced me answered the phone today. It was 4am when I reached home after a night out with colleagues. I had to call Yvette to let her know I was already safely home. Twas just a brief talk. As I was to climb up the stairs, the phone rang and it was him (my ex). Of course, first were greetings and “how are yous”. He did the talking and I was nonchalant about all the things he was saying. As if uninterested. I WAS unresponsive, OK. Why the need to deny it? It took great patience to have had gone through the entire conversation. And I had to keep myself awake so I turned on the mp3 and played the songs I downloaded from the net earlier. Thanks to AMN.
As the conversation went on, he started to become emotional. He reminisced about our yesterdays, like story telling them to me and I could only smirk at the idea and the things he was trying to remind me of. It was all totally absurd to me. Of course, there’s no need for me to go into detail on our *yawn* conversation. To make it short, he was trying to reconcile with me. And his way was to soften my jaded heart through reminding me of our groovy memories. Thus far, I am still asking myself if I should believe any of what he said. He seemed sincere. Of course, he would have it in mind to sound sincere. Men! They’d absolutely find their way.
The talk progressed and he was like telling me how mistaken he was of letting me go. Somehow, at that point, I believed him. I was moved and tears gathered around my eyes. A drop, then another…the phone still on my left ear. I know exactly what he meant. But why was I so taut? Reason, motivation – they served as my armor. Hard-wearing armor. I can understand. He made his point. They’re pretty within acceptable limits. We both shared our mistakes. Yes.
I don’t know but for me, 2nd chance is just ridiculous. And maybe, I also believe that relationship is indeed a decision. If you bid goodbye, that’s really goodbye. No turning back. Although, yeah, I did hope for some years for him to come back. I waited, thinking the love won’t wilt, ever. I was wrong. It stayed for a while but it died away eventually. Or was it just me persuaded that it did? I don’t really know. What I know now is that I couldn’t feel the same intense emotion I used to feel for him in the past. Like, I couldn’t find it in my heart to give him one last chance.
I think breaking up is the most painful thing to happen in a love relationship. So, so, so dire. It made me, to some extent, cynical. Which reminds me of a quote, which had become a favorite:
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Yeah, you put on armor and one stupid person will just take it off and you allow him/her to. That’s what’s extremely exasperating! You protect yourself. You build walls around you to make sure you’re safe and then what?! Here comes someone who breaks your defenses down altogether, now you’re all susceptible to pain. GGRRrrrr.
Have I made a point, yet?
Breaking up may be, ok, tough. Complicated… Difficult… Knotty… Thorny… Whatever terms have you.
Ok, some of you might not agree. I will understand. But just give these last few paragraphs a chance.
What I learned about breaking up is that it’s not such a hard thing to contend with. What’s making it hard is not moving on. When there’s just so many ways to start going on with life after a break up. Only that most of us dwell on the situation. We dwell on the very thing that’s making us miserable. Taken, we’re feeling humans. Yes. But we are capable humans. All we need to do is find our way out from what’s troubling us. Desert the ground that’s burning us. Easier said than done, yes, I assent. But, c’mon, would you remain in something that’s already injuring you? Say, it’s damn scorching hot already under the sun’s heat, would you stay put and let yourself burn? Of course, N-O!!! You’d be likely to scurry for a covering. Tell me I’m correct.
It’s just the same thing as moving on after a break up. It aches you, it ravages you, aren’t you going to take action? You must protect yourself. Just like you don’t starve yourself when you’re hungry. In any case, if you love yourself enough…
“Heartbreaks last as long as you want them and cut deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.”
You may be wondering how I did during my “moving-on” chapter. The nerve I’m saying all these things now. Exactly! I am saying these things because I had gone through the same situation. I felt devastated. In fact, so distressed that I never imagined I would get to this day unbeaten. It felt like it was the end of everything for me. But was it?
What to consider before breaking up:
Weigh things up a hundred times before getting to a decision. The problems you have today may still be resolvable. If your relationship is going unsteady, it couldn’t be too staid, don’t you think? Splitting up may not be necessary, after all. Give it a thought. Understand how you feel. There might still be love left.
Sometimes, breaking up is not the solution. People just opt for the easy way out, most of the time, though. If things can still be discussed why is there a need to go through the hassles of parting ways, in the first place? Is the love really gone or your differences are just too stressed which complicate your situation? If you come to think of it, it’s all a matter of adjusting to each other. You’re two different individuals and whether you like it or not, however you believe you have so much in common, there will still be disparities between you. So, learn to understand your differences and try working on each.
But, of course, you also need to learn when to let go. You can’t be forcing yourself to someone if that someone can’t return the love you’re giving him anymore.
“The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.”
I know it’s pretty tough. It’s never easy to just watch your special someone’s back while he’s/she’s walking away until you lose sight of him/her. Nuh-ah! Like, I really took effort to try to work things out between us. But you’d know, you’d just know if there is or there is none to fight for. And sometimes, you just got to have faith in both of you. You need to allow the other person to take another route. Love will just lead you back together. Some, after a few years would, out of the blue, happen upon each other and the magic is back. But, some alas, would only have to put up with just memories.
Nevertheless, breaking up is not something to fret. Like how most of us fear death. Because it is inevitable. One way or another, someone will come and hurt us. Doesn’t matter whether intentional or unintentional. It just meant to happen. For some purpose. The best way is to look at the bright side and not live with regrets. Besides, all of us will take the part of both victim and suspect.
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