Please, help me drown these memories.

Am freaked out by hollers heard from another unit (with noises as if hard objects are being thrown around). Twas a male voice yelling madly at whoever. Can't understand what he's saying, though it's loud enough to be understood. Think he's speaking another language. Since the place is infested invaded by Koreans, am assuming he's one. But, boy, am becoming frantic about it. Could be just my wild imagination (or too much violence viewed today?). Anyhow, am seriously affected. If am not just feeling sluggish I could've shut all the windows close. But, I am. heh  ^_^

My mind's actively playing scenes...am imagining that there could be murder going on, which started from a petty(?) quarrel, and the suspect starts looking for an escape (after realizing the wicked thing he has committed) and decides to take the ledge to get to another unit through an open window or something. And that window happens to be ...mine. Gosh! Would I still be too bone lazy if that should be the case?

I wish my body were as active as my wild mental image!

Witnessing one felony done (thanks to FB!) couldn't be too much, or is't? I think certain regulations must already be carried out pertaining to the use of the Internet and shouldn't be left to individual discretion alone. Cause...really...there's a battle going on in my head even-just-right-now. One pull is blaming irresponsibly posted vid and another pull is off base circumspection.  So, it could either be someone else's mistake or mine. And I can't be too pharisaic to choose the pull which gets me off the hook now. I know I have my share of misstep. Am not denying that. THINK before you CLICK. That's loud and clear. But, I can't just tell the unsuspecting me how wrong I was for clicking that view button now that it caused me paranoia.

ME @ me: It's your fault! How can you be so thoughtless like that?! Now blame whoever posted that horrifying video. Blame the entire www for its recklessness!  Then, get over it and throw that video tape inside your head outside the window. Whoever gets hit with it! 

me @ ME: Can't you consider even just a lil that I was only unsuspecting? *sniffs* Whoever would've thought a crime act caught on video could go around freely as if it's NOTHING?!

ME @ me: ...

me @ ME:  *sighs*

I've learned what I needed to. But, I think the price I gotta pay is way too much. It's not really out of total negligence nor utter stupidity, y'know.  It's just like ...you ride a bus, unsuspecting, just wanting to reach your destination in one piece then something happens. Could be what recently happened to a friend (sat beside a presentable looking man, who turned out to be a malefactor!) or could be a freak accident. What am saying is, how can one be too leery at all times not to trip over anything along the road?!  It's not like am just champing at the bit for juicy scoops!    

Guess all am saying is not everything is for everyone. Internet is already made accessible to any human being regardless of age, education...blah blah blah. And how dangerous ANYONE can just cause panic, outrage, intimidation, distress and what-have-you.  Come to think of it, unlike television, radio, and print... Internet has greater number of INTERACTIVE users and it's WITHOUT censorship! Goodness. How many times have someone been killed by someone? Just a few hours ago, a friend from S'pore re-posted a link  to the details of Mariah Carey's tragic death! I googled it believing that I can get a more reliable information from Fox, CNN, BBC, MSN or whichever trusty news services there is. Come on now! Mariah is a big name so there should be something. THERE IS NONE. I didn't have to exhaust effort to try another search. It's NOTHING but HOAX!   

Internet is an eminently powerful tool. Am confident everyone is aware of this. It is being used to destroy any person, nowadays. People driven by strong emotions can just harm another with any object (s)he can reach with his/er hands.  And, through Internet, one doesn't need to be in front of the person they're so angry at to inflict danger.  Havoc is simply employable with but ONE CLICK.  Like what a friend said, "it is not anymore just a privilege but a birthright".  It is made available even to people without PROPER discretion.  Made me think... you won't really hand a knife or any deadly weapon to a murderer, would you? And, I believe this is exactly what I mean when I said "not everything is for everyone". 

This same friend emphasized enough what makes Internet dreadfully powerful. It's because of people like ME. Freedom of expression. Liberty for people to voice out concerns.  Exactly what am doing now.  Therefore, I must not complain?!  No. Power when given to the wrong person is highly perilous. It's not like am inciting sedition now or something.  I believe it is easy to tell "giving public awareness" from plainly  "causing terror".  It's easy to tell "sincere concern" from "selfish motive".  I firmly believe that it's about time to incorporate censorship in the use of the Internet. And, am not alarmed whatsoever should anything be implemented. Only criminals won't approve of laws.  In fact, "people sinned even before the law was given. But it was not counted as sin because there was not yet any law to break." (Romans 5:13, NLT) "...the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers..." (1 Timothy 1:9)

It is next to impossible what am trying to suggest, I know. How can you control something as far-ranging as this? In fact, even there's prison, even when there was execution by electrocution, then later on lethal injection... felons are still everywhere. But, at least, NOT out of hand. At least, if there's law, cyber crime will be under control. If there's a clearly defined rule or standard, people have something to be guarded about. I mean, hello now! It can't be just parental guidance, anymore.  Parents can't be following and watching what their children do with the Net all the time. That's why there's "GOVERNMENT".  And, from Wikipedia, "the word government is derived from the Latin infinitive gubernare, meaning "to govern" or "to manage"." Concerns as wide-ranging as this one needs a bigger body than just parental (nor self) authority.  Nuf said.

Morning is wonderful! Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.

Am just about to retire to bed when everyone is already busy prepping up to start the day. And while the world is sleeping, I am widely awake...

That's, actually, a stretch! I am awake with some people from other parts of the world that's daytime when it's night time where I am. But, you can just excuse some drama sometimes. 

...Am so glad to find my same thoughts from works of talented artists. 

Can you relate or is't just me? It's not that I don't feel happy waking up every morning. Come on! God gave me another life to enjoy. That's already something to look forward to. But, I don't think anyone can just get up with a smile on their face while stretching as if it's not hard to drag oneself out of bed. Hello! I want to get some more sleep. fwahahaha

My heart always timidly hides itself behind my mind.

We feel pain to the nth degree after a breakup (of a love relationship or a friendship) because we lost a part of us. The fact that we have loved much could only mean we have given much, as well. So, when something comes to an end, we feel as if there's nothing left. As though, everything's taken away from us.

Often, understanding why things have to happen is not help. In fact, we prolly understand. It's just it doesn't get rid of the pain. And sometimes, we only need to let the hurt be felt and let the tears wash away the misery.

There's no shortcut to healing. And, sadly, there are times scars remain forever. But scars are just a sign that we have survived agony. There's always beauty in everything. Even in pain.

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.”

 

After all, people are always separable.

Don't hold on to anything for too long. Don't love too much. Don't devote your life revolving around just a few select people. Don't give too much when you're getting too little. There are so many suggestions on how NOT to get hurt (emotionally). Is there any real technique to avoid pain? 

They said pain is part of life. It's inevitable. Babies and little children still get sick no matter how their parents take real good care of them. Even if they stay up all night looking after their sweet ones, protecting them from mosquito bites and all, they still get fever, cold or flu. (Not to mention Dengue, Measles, Chicken Pox...) There's no sure way to keep them quarantined from such discomfort. Adults even make every attempt to keep themselves from the same fate. They take vitamins and other popularly advertised supplements and trusting that their bodies will be immune. Still, things happen. Harm happens. Pain just keeps showing up. In any form.

Must I conclude that nothing can altogether protect us? Therefore, pain will always happen(?).

I do agree that pain exists and everyone will experience it, one way or another...every now and then. I believe, however, that it's all a matter of acceptance that things simply happen that will cut short the misery and suffering from it. And, we don't need any explanation why they have to. Because "the more you know, the more it hurts." It's like letting things flow naturally. People come and people go. If you hold on to anything with all that you are, then the time comes it has to go...regardless if it's voluntarily, unexpectedly, forcefully... you are sure to suffer loss. And loss corresponds pain. It may be too cliche to say, "let someone spread their wings and allow them freedom. If they come back, they're really yours for keeps"... but, I find it to be the only solution. Being in control of what must happen next (so, you do all the work you see needed done just to arrive at the result you want) only helps for a short period of time. Just count seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years... in a flash, the one you hold dear can be gone. And you're left alone devastated with questions that leave you restless, depressed --"what did I do wrong?" "In which part did I fail?" What else I haven't given?  Then, the endless (conscious or subconscious) self-blame begins. And the next thing you know, you're trapped in that moment when you were left behind. You're stuck in the past where it's nothing but sorrowful. Not realizing that "pain only remains as long as you keep allowing it to stay."   You are the one giving anyone or anything the power to hurt you. Only you. It's your choice -- brush it off and go on with the day OR wallow in it longer than you're supposed to and suffer.

Do I sound jaded or something by saying "brush it off and go on with the day"? (Lemme add...treat it as any regular day --with good and bad times...it is the bad time. Sadly.)  But, is there any other way of saying what we all need to hear, realize and accept?

I may never be able to give tips on how to control emotions. Will endorphin triggers help? (Don't think so as I've known so many women who felt rather hopeless and depressed after eating as much chocolate as they can. Because they gained weight and it made them feel bad about themselves more. I answered my own question! Boo!) How about Prozac? Any success?

But, I strongly believe that emotions can be handled carefully and properly. It's a matter of will. Knowledge helps, as well. If you understand and know that you are loving another being who was also given the will to choose, you can easily accept that they made a decision which can never be revoked even by you. (YES, even by you. It's too much to expect that you have the power to change anyone's mind only because you believed with all your heart and soul the love they once professed.) If you don't keep taking matters into your hands and try to insist on what you want or think should happen, it's easier to move forward. But, if you keep turning back, trying to salvage something that already gave up... something broken, something that's beyond repair... you only leave yourself miserable while the other person has already moved to the next chapter of their life.  

It's, actually, like the weather. You are wishing it'll be sunny. It's your wedding day. And, it's a garden wedding. Suddenly, it started raining cats and dogs! You can choose how to respond: Sulk in one corner; whine about it; blame the Weather Bureau for giving the wrong information; request for a tent; move to another venue; wait for the rain to stop and feel more excited about being wed to the person you have been dying to start your life with; keep asking why it rained... just to mention a few. It is a CHOICE.

Evidently, pain will always happen but you should find a way to remedy it. Just like when you feel sick, you don't nurture the disease. You find a cure for it. Similarly, you don't carry hurt with you everywhere you go. Then, try hard to show you're ok. Then, when you're alone in your room at night, you take it out and relive it by viewing the videotape in your head and rewind to the time your loved one said goodbye.

There's a remedy (or remedies) but I don't think "prevention is better than cure" applies. Like the DON'Ts I mentioned earlier.  They're no guarantees. Those are very defensive and selfish. How can you truly love anyone if you are too conscious of shielding yourself from pain? Something gets compromised if we try to be too careful in everything.

If you're gonna look at it, parents have natural tendencies to be protective. Mine were. And it didn't turn out very beneficial for me now. I am very sensitive, easily get sick, squeamish. Only because my loving and protective parents provided us a clean environment that allows almost zero bacteria (don't get me wrong, I appreciate that a lot.). It did protect me from getting sick then, but the disadvantages came out later on.

The DONT's I listed are nothing but vain attempts to prevent pain from invading your comfortable life but definitely, there are disadvantages. And one is the inability to experience the joy of loving and being loved. How? You become both occupied and preoccupied being watchful of any attack. You live in fear. You can't just trust. You're anticipating it can happen anytime.  Then, still get surprised when it does.  You either give too little (thinking you shouldn't invest much so even if it ends, there'd be less damage) or too much (thinking that the more you give the lesser the tendency for your partner to have reasons to leave).  And it's never a joyful ride.

I know of an effective way to remedy or handle pain. Lift it up to God. He is the healer of the brokenhearted. When it's hard to just trust, we only need to trust Him. People will always fail us. Even the ones we love. Because none is flawless. Each one expects something from the other. And all of us fall short of each other's expectations. So, we get hurt. If you come to think of it... wrongs, which cause pain, are subjective. Sometimes, it's just us. Sometimes, it's just them. But, rarely do we see this. It is but wise to surrender everything to the ONE who sees EVERYTHING. Who can truly solve the problem. Who can remove the unwanted feeling. Who gives us power to overcome ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Let's give up on taking all the pain in and the refusal to receive help. Let's open our clasped hands and willingly surrender. We need not fear, even PAIN. The Word says, "There is no fear in love. Perfect love (God) drives out fear." Drives out pain. Try it. *wink*

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