Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Why is't so hard to be happy? It's because we refuse to let go of the things that make us sad.


When we try to be in control, there's always a sure chance of disappointment. Most of the time, we try hard to believe in something. Something that is wonderful to embrace. When it doesn't happen as we believed it would, our expectations fail us and pain comes after.

It's never easy to entrust all to GOD. This is one thing I am struggling with. Mainly because I have trusted too much not in HIM but in people. Well, people... they say sooo many things. Either half-meant or they don't really mean at all. One of the things people do is hide behind lies. Some say, they do this to avoid hurting someone. What they don't know is they hurt others more by denying them the truth.

Sad truth is, people keep changing their minds almost instantly. They say things but they can't be true to their words. They won't even CHOOSE to be true to their words. They say something but do another. Many say something they strongly feel for the moment. They are driven by their emotions. But, emotions are fleeting. It's frustrating. But, just like me, I know there are many others who still rather believe these lies. Convinced that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt. So, we risk our hearts. We place our faith in the wrong persons...in the wrong things. Believing that this can lead to happiness. But, in truth, it hurts.

Yet, another painful truth is the person we placed our faith in to just doesn't care how we would feel when they can't keep up with their words. Go on with their lives as if our feelings don't matter. Conveniently, they can just escape with "sorry", but, are ready to do it again only because they know we'll just be there. Such a bitter reality.

Am sure, this is not only my own experience. Many out there suffer the same sitch for the reason that they "believe" someone. They trust. No matter how the other person screws up, they are ready to give another chance.

Sometimes, I get to think whether this is wrong or right. Because it's damaging. It messes our thoughts and feelings. It creates fear. Fear that if we believe again, we might get hurt again. Fear that if we don't, we give an impression that we can't trust and this simply doesn't sound right. The dilemma that if we trust, we're sure to hurt ourselves. If we don't, we're sure to hurt the person we love. It's crazy.

And I know of people who choose to trust lies and deny themselves the truth. They choose to believe what they want to believe, though, they know it's a lie. They'd even avoid knowing or hearing the truth in order to keep the lies. Trying to revel in something that will only cause them pain. What joy is there in living in lies? Being lied to is the worst way one can ever disrespect you. It's like they're telling you you deserve no truth. Maybe... but who deserves a lie?

I wish that saving our hearts from pain can be taught in school. That common sense can influence us stronger than our emotions can. Because our emotions steal from us our happiness. We want to be happy with someone we truly deserve but we're stuck with our feelings for someone who don't even sincerely care about us. All they're concerned about is the convenience and benefits they're receiving. Such a dangerous condition to be in.

'Do not expect anything', that's what they say. Am trying to believe that it is expecting that's causing all the pain. Maybe. On the second thought, is expecting that someone just do his part to not tell a lie and spare you of pain too much to give? Fine, we have to do our part to simply give love. But, are they not expected to do their part to be kind, too?

I'd like to just be numb about things and pretend none of what I observed is true. I'd like to convince myself that not asking too much question and not asking for what one deserves could make everything fine. I'd like to just believe in only ONE. To place my trust on only HIM and be oblivious to all others because it's damn too painful. It's hard to breathe. It's exhausting. Am stripped off strength.

If I'd try seeing things like characters in stories, maybe, it's easier to explain why things happen the way they do. There has to be good characters and there has to be bad characters. Otherwise, life will simply just be boring. No thrill. No issues. No arguments. There are no more stories to tell. There are no blogs like this to share.







Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sullen and Austere


Heartbroken is how I define my current state. Saturday morning, I thought, could've been the start of my sunny days until I stepped out of the bathroom after a couple of hours' early bath and found out that the flood waters already managed to get inside the house. Worries began to consume me again as 3 of my housemates were, at that time, trying to reach home but were stuck somewhere due to the rising floods in almost all routes leading home. My heart was throbbing real hard as I prayed. It's a frustrating feeling, actually. The fact that I know I should just trust GOD's heart and the desire to do something to help my friends placed my sanity on the line. Not to mention, I was freaking out seeing the fridge, my Omnitrack, the furnitures, the washer already submerged in flood waters. Terrible...terrible feeling.

Believe me, I tried to calm myself down. But, I heard more, which caused me to worry more. If I can only do something was what's playing in my head. I know and I admit I can't do anything else in my power. Prayer was the best help I could've really given but was not able to give much only because I was too engrossed with my emotions. Silly...silly.

There was already no electric supply that afternoon. Our transistor radio only had one battery when it requires 3. Flood water outside the townhomes was ceaselessly rising. At that time, twas already waist high, so, we can't risk our house helper to buy 2 more. Not knowing what was happening to my friends and knowing what was happening around resulted into paranoia. I felt so helpless.

It's not helpful, I know. And it's like insinuating "I am better than GOD because I would do something if I could." And questioning, "How can HE remain silent while HIS people are troubled and needing help?" Totally wrong. But, it took me a while to realize it. I was simply overwhelmed by my emotions.

Everyone was able to reach home safely early evening. I wanted to break down, but, I felt I should better tame myself and just be thankful nothing bad happened to them. Somehow, my heart became still. Even had ice cream before going to bed.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we were able to purchase 2 batteries with the ice cream, so, the rest of the night, we were all keeping ourselves updated with what's happening outside. We heard so many SOS calls over the portable radio. Again, my heart started to melt. I simply can't just be thankful I was not in the same situation. I felt for those people.

That day was supposed to be the day my grannies were to move to a smaller room just beside the place they stayed in for years. That was also the same day I planned to treat them out for their double birthday celebration (25th & 27th). The night before I was even insisting to cancel their moving out on the next day. Then, Ketsana (PAGASA name: Ondoy) came.

Both had to be cancelled.

Early Sunday morning, I received text messages that Church services are cancelled due to heavy rains and flooding. So, I thought, we can push with the celebration. Electric supply was restored around 3am and the first thing we did was to try if we can turn to local news. Cable was down. Still, we're half unaware of the damage Ondoy caused. We even managed to watch a flick. (Not a nice one. Boo.) We turned to Internet and that's when we learned how Ondoy caused so much destruction & even claimed lives. Depression set in again. I was crippled for 2 more days.

What can this gift of compassion help me with if am too weak to handle such happenings? *sighs*

Today, I took action. I dragged myself out of the house and bought goods to donate. I collected some clothes to give to a Church chum who lost most of their stuffs.

Nine in the morning, I took a shower and then had breakfast. Checked each closet after for spare clothes. At past 10, we were already in the grocery to buy packs of crackers, a box of noodles, boxes of bottled water, boxes of Big 250 and some cans of sardines. Dropped the goods and then headed to Cubao to deliver the clothes to the Church chum I mentioned earlier.

Made me feel a lil better but because of my nature, I simply can't feel I have done enough. Am such a morose person. I so detest it.









Thursday, September 24, 2009

...Sometimes, I need things to happen for real.



Sometimes, I don't know how to ask for help. I can get trapped inside my pain. Some nameless thing seems to tear at my insides. I freeze, thinking that if I don't move, it will go away. So, I don't ask, I don't talk, and the pain grows.

Does my face look calm? Don't be fooled. I'm just afraid to let you see the truth. But, I listen. And through other people, GOD does for me what I can't do for myself. One of the miracles I have found is that help often comes when I most need it. When I can't bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me. When I don't know what to say, I am given the words I require. And when I share what's in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own. Today, I have GOD who knows my needs. As I walk, GOD is walking with me.






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A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...

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