Friday, November 30, 2007

All your crappy stories, all your big dreams.

"...you run out into the night to find another face, and another, and another, until one terrible morning you wake up and realize that revenge has become your whole life. And you won't know why."

It's 1:20am. Just finished reading Kellecker's comment. Of course I appreciate it. But, frankly, it made me feel bad about myself again.

Yeah, the forgiveness issue. They say, take that baggage off you so you can live peacefully. I know of all those things. And, maybe, it'll be very hard for me to just take advices when it comes to Greenie.

God knows how I feel about her. Yes, I have been very vocal about this bitterness and I really dunno how else to convince people that it's really not about time or me not trying. I never really understood why the other person has to be deserving of forgiveness until she came.


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I now believe that the other person needs to be deserving of forgiveness. Am not referring to saying sorry or anything like that. Sorry is just like any other words. Just, at least, acknowledge you have wronged someone. Arrogance can really be annoying. Guess, no one can really understand where this ranting is coming from but Bud. Bud who, just like me, have seen what Greenie is really made of.

Am not a small-minded person. I am no short fused. Greenie gave me more than enough reason to feel this way about her. She knows. She was the one who pushed me this far and she also knows that she will never stop. Never will. For whatever reason. It's just her fulfillment.

I sound paranoid, I know. But, I don't wanna end up proving to myself (again) that I am right about this. Should've learned my lesson. Have to be kind to myself. I know I have already done my part. It's her turn.

(Am not upset with you, Kellecker. Don't worry. I hope you understand what I mean. And I know you're just not biased. You don't have any idea...Well...just whining here. Give me this. Haha...really sorry.)


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On the lighter note...

Lilie already received the gift. Yehey. Hoped she really liked it, though. *big smile* Twas for her birthday (Nov. 20). Happi biwthdei tu yooo... hehe Take care of Kingkong (grr Whattaname?! LOL) and Jr Siobe.


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Two Sundays ago, I came face to face with my crushie. *giggles* Was about to leave Cinema 5, pouting; saddened with the thought that maybe he was really moved to Pioneer. Just when I turned around he's right there walking towards my direction. Didn't know how to react. Grrr. Couldn't even smile.

so...There he was...passed by me. Oh well. What was I even expecting? Am just not the type of girl who would show any intention.

Last Sunday... no, I didn't see him. *sigh* Not that I have a big crush on him. I just miss him singing. Why did they even have to move him to Pioneer? but...No, I won't move to Pioneer only because he's there. Am already happy in Ortigas. *wink*

so, what is this babbling about, now?! grrr


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Gotta zzzzz now. G'night all.





Friday, November 16, 2007

"You represent the sum of my weakness..."


Am feeling a lot better now. After 2 weeks' episode of recurrent fever, I am now liberated. Everyone's right and I was wrong for postponing check up. It's not that I am applauding the doctor now but twas such a big help that I now have the right medication (just not a doc fanatic).

...(yehey) I don't find myself anymore curled in bed under a thick blanket every afternoon. No more frequent headache, back pain and cold. Guess, am back to my own animated self again. This even a good news?

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Met with Bud last Monday night. Was sick that morning but was able to manage to leave the house early evening. Boy, how traveling, even to a short distance, had me real dizzy!

Twas my first time in Megastrips, actually. Used to just hear that place from friends but never been there until last Monday.

Not anymore used to traffic, but twas no surprise that I had to deal with it, especially, I left the house a bit late. In fact, it's not really the traffic. Just can't stay longer in the cab. Was already so dizzy and there was still a few minutes to my destination. So, I ransacked my bag for any sign of mint candy. I was lucky to see one.

15min to 7pm: Finally reached my destination.

Found Bud at Worlds of Fun playing this arcade game he said he used to play with his inamorata. Just stood some distance behind him for a few minutes while I wait for him to finish. Hehe. Missed him. When was the last time we went out together? Can't even remember.

Three hours of gabfest while having dinner. Nothing so exciting but I was just really there to be an ear. Same old scenario. We were there together for the same reason why we even became close friends. At least, even for a short while.


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Dunno but I believe he knows that I don't like the gal. I am wondering, though, why of all people it has to be her. Y'know what am saying? Of all people GRRR...It's frustrating. But, it's his life and he has all the right to choose who he wants to be with. Am just a friend who wants to support him. At the back of my head, I want to protect him. But, from what? From who? I'd only appear bitter if I attempt to keep him away from her. Rather selfish. Only because she did me something wrong, I'd want the whole world to hate her. Irrational.

Well, yes, I am bitter. Because until now, I still punish myself for not understanding why she even had to be that way to me. Why she stare at me with so much dislike. I never asked that she consider me a friend. But, I believe I deserve the right to be treated properly.

I tried to hide everything inside...all the pain she caused me everyday. Those endless crying every night...I asked myself what did I ever do to her and she's doing this to me? I was hurt. Badly hurt.


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I don't even know why I was hurt / am still hurting. Inside, I still have this attachment to her. This willingness to forgive her. In fact, I had forgiven her several times. But, forgiveness is only given to those who acknowledge their wrongs. She never did. Guess, she never will.

She knows what am talking about. Everyone can say whatever they want to say -- Am the one at fault, am the one mean, am the one acting irrational...whatever! But, this is between us. She knows what am talking about. She knows what she did wrong. And only she knows why she even did those things to me.


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("When you stare at someone long enough, you will understand their humanity..." )

...or maybe I do understand why -- she's a GEM.

I probably have forgiven her. Just that, as with any wound, there's a twinge every now and then. Pain is still fresh as if everything happened just yesterday. Don't ask me why. I dunno either. Why would I even worry about her, right? When all that she caused me was heartache. But, I still do care; whatever she may have within her. I still hope that she would find it in her heart to see me as a friend.

Sounds annoying, right? I mean, who the #&$% is she, in the first place and am yearning for what friendship she can offer me?! But, this is something I can't even answer myself. There's just something inside that tells me this.

I have always been right about her. Not one thing wrong. And I believe she knows that I know a lot (if not everything).

As for Bud, well...he's the bridge connecting me back again to her. There are just ghosts that won't leave. Maybe she has this emptiness...or a need...or anything that only Bud and I can offer/provide. Just hope she'd learn to open up and acknowledge the persons who truly care for her.

Bud...he's such a pure soul. He loves the girl. But, I hope he learns to know that sometimes, LOVE is just not enough. He has to be kind to himself. He has this responsibility to take care of his emotions. We can all love anyone but we should know our limit. It is still important to learn how to love our own selves first. Cause, we can love with all our hearts. Give everything we can. But, before anything else, we need to understand that we can only love, but never possess.

We don't own anyone's life and decisions. Expecting is a grave sin. FACT: No one can love us the exact same way we love. (if there is anyone, he must be hiding)

What I learned is, yes, there are so many things we don't deserve like pain. But, we are forgetting that we make ourselves deserve it. We can opt not to be hurt but we choose to be. Sometimes, it's just our choices. It's not all wrong, though. Maybe, if we just push a lil more, we can get the results we want.

"If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them."

Am proud of my Bud.

....................THE END...................






Monday, November 12, 2007

This life's better than you know



Like scribbling...collecting quotes. Not necessarily mushy LOVE quotes. Guess, everyone of us gets to this stage. We just need something that could express how we feel inside. Quotes are the best way to express emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Hehe. Look at my handwriting. *biting thumbnail*


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What could be the heart's reason? I sometimes wonder. Yeah, just sometimes. These days, I don't have much time to ponder. Practically using my idle times snoozing. zzzzz Don't get to enjoy it often so...the past days, I took advantage. Anyway, my reason was valid -- been ill.

Am feeling a lot better now. Twas Sunday yesterday so am recharged. No, I didn't barf so much at the fellowship. Had a pack of lozenges handy *sticks out tongue*. Earlier yesterday, I was imagining myself barking without end inside the hall. Everybody's covering their noses in fear they might get the virus. There's me so embarrassed til I shrunk.

...so, I made sure no coughing for me until the service is over. Thanks Strepsils. *wink*

Well, whoever spread the virus first?! *glaring eyes* Nah...that's meant to be a joke. I know it's not funny at all. The story's like this... last 2 Sundays ago, the VCF speaker assigned to give the talk was sick. He had the virus. He promised everyone he's not going to spread it. But, same night when I reached home I got it. How about that?! hehe

Forget I even said that. POINTLESS. Just think I didn't have anything else to share. Why was I even pointing fingers at? We were late that time so we had to take the front seat (2nd row far left side). Still, the speaker was some distance from us so blah blah blah blah...

*sigh* Yeah, back to the question...what could be the heart's reason? Well, everybody's saying we should use the head more than the heart. But, isn't the heart controlled by the brain? *daydreams*




Sunday, November 4, 2007

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?


Yehey, it's Sunday!!


My day didn't start out fine, actually. But, like what I promised myself, I will always strive to take everything positive. Worry should not dominate me anymore. Be optimistic. Whatever happens, good things will still come everyday.


Cooked spaghetti yesterday. Whenever I cook, I remember AMN peeps. If I can only send the food through YMsgr (send file), I would. haha Imagine how wonderful it would be if you can just send presents instantly without having to leave your home. *daydreams*


The spag is actually for Hippo's agents. He treats everyone every now and then. This is my 3rd time to cook for Hippo's team. This time, though, I also prepared Shanghai. Yumyum. They all loved it. Am glad. *big smile*


Oh, thanks Lilie for always visiting my nook even when it's taking me millennium before I can even post a new one. *hugs you*


We feasted on the left over spag and shanghai last night with Choco Bang Bang as our dessert. Grrr. Been eating a lot again. Hate it. Have to watch my figure. I don't want to start gaining weight again. So tough to lose appetite when you're not depressed. haha And tougher to motivate yourself to work out.


Want to see me when I was chubby? Am shy but...be my guest...*covers face*



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w/ my sis Zeke.
I know she's so slim compared to me.
Don't even make mention!



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Both my sisses are slim. *sobs*
Not to mention...TALL.




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w/ the Boyet's Inc.
Dunno why they call themselves that. *scratches head*
They're monkeys. hehe




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Awww...monkeys and me were sad.
Don't I look rather angry? Grrr



That's it. Have nothing to show anymore. Just found the photos online and thought to show them to you. Just keep your opinion to yourselves or you might hurt my shame. Please don't do that, especially not on a Sunday.


Why not on a Sunday? Because I declare it as my day. You probably have read my yesterday's blog entry. If not, what are you waiting for?! Go read it first before you even continue reading this one. Go now, I will wait here....


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Back? Great. *smiles* Sunday night, when I am still in a very good mood, I take photos of myself. I'll show you my different facial expressions, you like? Well, you have no choice anyway. You're in my space so, hah.




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When I look like this, it means ...
am ok for long conversations.




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When I look like this it means...
I don't find you funny. hmp.




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When I look like this it means...
I did something naughty(?) hihi




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When I look like this it means...
Ok, ok, but I need to do something.
Come back some other time.




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When I look like this it means...
I don't know what to answer,
you're not making any sense.




Grrr...let's cut it. I am the one not making any sense now. haha. Pardon me for even showing you the photos. Just taking this chance to post a blog entry. Will be so swamped again and you'll miss me more. hehe


Buh-bye now. Need to start preparing for the 6pm fellowship. God bless all.







Saturday, November 3, 2007

I can handle pain until it hurts.

Been swamped lately. There were loads of work lined up and I had to attend to so many commitments. Whew. How I long to have an extended recess.


Sadly, it's only during Sundays that I get to find time to stay away from obligations. I make it a point to really have fun with the sparing time I have.


Am happy with the result of my hard work, though. Why not? The recent movie I worked for went really praiseworthy. Haha.


Please support the movie. Think it's still showing. Watch it and see for yourselves. hehe



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Twas fun working with Gerald. *wink*


Two Sundays ago, I invited some people to attend VCF with me and we took photos. Just a few, though. I was with Bentz, Lizzie, Totsie and Jamie. And am hoping to invite more, eventually.


Here are our dandy photos. *sticks out tongue*



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*sings* I don't wanna wait in vain for a cab... *stops singing*
So...please donate an SUV for me...





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*sings* where oh where oh where is Shadow??
Shadow is talking to Jamie.





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Just so near and yet so far...
Yes, they know each other.
They just don't feel like talking.





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Just cam whoring while waiting for a ride home.





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Keeping patient...and it's almost 10.





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drying inside, knees trembling...
I am just not into escalators...




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Bentz dreams to become a bikini model




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The bunch while waiting for a ride home




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Do I look so scared?



Sunday is my favorite day because tis the only day I can leave work for a few hours. At the same time, it's the time I can really get to spend some time with God at VCF. It's such a wonderful feeling to be in that place. I encourage everyone to attend Victory Fellowship every Sunday. I attend the 6pm service.


This 11th, they will open a branch in Robinson's Pioneer (Mandaluyong). So, whoever lives near that place, don't hesitate to visit and be they're regular visitor. Better yet be member. Why not?


Hehe...I have a crushie in VCF. He's one of the vocalists. He is a very good singer and for me, he's better than Eric Santos and Christian...whoever. *giggles* But, no...he's not one of my reasons why I attend the service.


Well, it's Sunday tomorrow. Will have fun again.








Thursday, November 1, 2007

I Still...

Yes, I have grown so much but never changed a lot. There are still things I never learned to outgrow. Guess, each one of us remain a child inside. Yet, we can't let it show all the time because we're supposed to be acting like grown ups. However, it's just so unavoidable at times.


Am not sure but most of what I haven't outgrown are not at all strange or weird. Maybe most of you still do the same, too. Just thought to share. Thought of blogging about this when recently, I found myself inside the closet when I was hurting badly and there was no one. Here are they...


"I still..."

~ hide inside my closet when hurt;
~ enjoy the sound of my rattle to help me sleep at night;
~ like to hear lullabies when having a hard time dozing;
~ love to receive/ask for presents from anyone;
~ fear of being left alone (which is kind of weird since I am a loner);
~ take pleasure in watching "Bear in the Big Blue House";
~ use baby words;
~ howl over a paper cut;
~ fancy spending time in parks or playgrounds;
~ say 'yehey' a lot;
~ delight in eating hotdog on stick with colorful marshmallows;
~ relish for cereals and popcorns;
~ long for alphabet soup;
~ mope when being teased;
~ talk to myself;
~ sing alone;
~ can't use the escalator by myself (acrophobia);
~ read bedtime stories to myself; and
~ hanker for stickers and other cute stuffs like stickers and notebooks.



Well, I guess this is all for now. Happy Halloween!







✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐

A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...

✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐