Saturday, December 30, 2006

How can I not believe in things that everyone else sees?


Why does it seem that I always have to play the role of a second best? I am starting to hate it. Why can't anyone choose me for me and not because they want to be rid of someone? ...Because someone left them or they're fed up with the relationship? This is so insulting for me. I feel like I am just someone they can run to whenever they are in need of rescue. What am I -- a social worker? I feel like I am robbing a bunch of women their loved ones. It is just so frustrating. And I don't like the way it makes me feel. I feel like a crap. I feel like they're using me as an outlet or something. Can't men be man enough to commit? I don't like it that they always find a way out of what troubles they caused. And I am the accomplice. I just so despise it.

Yes, maybe I am just upset. I am saying this because I am damn upset that people can't love anymore. One time they'd tell you how much they love you and then later on after seeing the real you -- the attitudes they didn't know you have, they will just call it quits. Or if they found out that they want something else and you don't have it, they'd start treating you differently, give you less time and would make you damn insecure about yourself. And in stead of telling you up front, they'd make you guess. and girls would go like, "just what is wrong with me?" Girls would go crazy thinking what to do and try change themselves. It's just so habitual. Men just take the easiest way out. When they are broken they'd go look for some sort of entertainment at another's expense! How boorish! Insensitive freaks! (Sorry...I just feel so upset.)


I know I have no right to be rude even with words but I cannot contain this anymore. I don't understand a thing. I have so many questions running in my head and it's like I am starting to lose my sanity. For goodness sakes! Anyone tell me, Why?

I am in pain right now. I don't know what to believe. I don't know who to trust. And I am incapable of reasoning. People are full of schemes. They do things for their own advantage. For their own pleasure. For their own happiness. They don't even consider another's. How could they?


Ok, it's not right that I am generalising. Not all men are the same. But how can I not? Can anyone tell me?
There's someone I know who once loved a girl. After some time he realised he don't love the girl anymore because he couldn't put up with her despicable attitude. How can you fall out of love with someone just because of freaking attitude? I don't get it. You love someone for who they are. Without questions. That's why it's called love. If it's just infatuation or mere crush then I'd understand. Because you're just attracted to someone for physical reasons. But love is something else. Love is accepting. What if someone tells me he loves me and then after some time my ugly attitudes show? Will this someone leave me too? It's really freaking scaring the hell out of me. Nobody's perfect for goodness sakes! All of us have flaws. If people fall out of love because of something they discover...something they don't like about someone then nobody can love. Nobody is capable of loving. Nobody can be loved because of imperfection.


I found a new girl friend. She talked about pure love. She's insisting that there's no wrong in LOVE. She insisted that Love is pure. There is no fear in love. I know about it. I've read it several times in the Bible. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)...I don't understand this as clearly as I understand it now.


Pure love means loving unconditionally. Loving unconditionally means loving without conditions; Loving with all your heart. Seeing past someone's mistakes, imprefections... Who could really give this? So far, I have found none...only my mom.


Mom, she put up with my dad all her married life. She accepted all that dad had her put through. And I admire her so much for that. I know that she loved my dad unconditionally. Having seen all dad's imperfections, she loved him, stayed with him and they're still together til now. That is unconditional love. So, how can anyone say that it is impossible to love unconditionally? I think those saying this just don't have the will to do so. Love is also a choice. Someone may be hurting you but you can still choose to love them. And by loving someone with all your heart can/may cause change. Well, ideally speaking of course. But the problem nowadays, people just don't want to commit. They are just not willing to commit. Because there are so many options laying on the table. They think they can get away with things just like that. The world has given people more reasons not to stay. It is so sad.


In this culture, it is so important to find a loving relationship with someone because so much of the culture does not give you that. But the poor kids today, either they're too selfish to take part in a real loving relationship, or they rush into marriage and then six months later, they get divorced. They don't know what they want in a partner. They don't know who they are themselves--so how can they know who they're marrying?



Friday, December 29, 2006

I find myself in question again


I hope to be able to give people the best advice I could ever give anyone. The book, "The Purpose Driven Life" is a good self-help book because it teaches us on how to live life with purpose (as the title suggests). And not only that advices were given. They're given with depth. They're no non-sense advice. I took the book seriously, though what's written there is a bit hard to follow. I mean, of course, it's not easy to just alter whatever plans one might have already set for himself. It's hard to start again. I should've read the book long time ago. But, maybe I just need to collect all the courage I have to have a purpose driven life.

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"The most important and precious asset in a person’s life is time. It is a limited commodity in one’s life. Whereas one may make more money, one cannot make more time. Because of this, it is the most vital sacrifice one can offer to another of the human race—the absolute greatest way one can demonstrate unselfish love toward another is through focused attention. Often fathers forget this, believing that providing material things for their wife and children is sufficient to show their love. It is not! Nothing takes the place of spending time with those who should be loved. When a person gives one’s time to another, he is giving of himself—a true act of unselfish love—because to give one’s time to anther is to take it from one’s self."

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Hmmm.... So, this is why when I give time to people, they kinda think it is because I have something special for them. Ok, let me state this clearly. Most of the guys interested in me would think they have a chance on me because I spend time with them. Which is not really the case. I am naturally like giving everyone time. Because my purpose in life is to show compassion...to give love. Not necessarily in a romantic form. Just that there's no other way but to share a moment of my time. And I hope that guys would stop focusing on finding a partner. Relationships can take many forms. They might be looking for someone to share a relationship with but the only relationship I can give them is friendship. I am saying this because, although, yes, I may be giving them "the most important and precious asset in my life" and that I care for them...and maybe I love them in a platonic way (or friendly way), I only am doing this because of the purpose I should serve. Nothing romantic. Nothing intimate.

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Attention says, “I value you enough to give you my most precious asset – my time.” When you give someone your time, you’re giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. You can always make more money, but you cannot make more time.
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Yes, "relationships are what life is all about". I don't blame people if they keep searching for someone to share a relationship with. I just don't get why they do the searching almost all the time. It puts me in a situation where I don't know how to share my time with people without giving them false hope that I might be the one they've been looking for. I want them to understand that there are people like me who just want to give of themselves without romantic attachments.

Anyway, I agree that time is the best gift we can give people, although I only realised it just now. And it makes me feel guilty that I give less of my time to my family. It's like I can let the time pass without seeing or talking with them. Does it mean, I love them less? *sigh*






Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way.

You Are Ernie

Playful and childlike, you are everyone's favorite friend - even if your goofy antics get annoying at times.

You are usually feeling: Amused - you are very easily entertained

You are famous for: Always making people smile. From your silly songs to your wild pranks, you keep things fun.

How you life your life: With ease. Life is only difficult when your friends won't play with you!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Where have you gone?


I think that to some degree, all of us are fractured souls -- cut in half. And we wander through life looking for the rest of ourselves and sometimes, we're fortunate enough to meet someone who possesses in themselves the part of ourselves that we've been missing. We see in someone else something of ourselves. That's why you meet someone and you just immediately feel comfortable with them. You feel like you've known them all your life. The reason is that they're a part of you and you're a part of them. You're soulmates, you fit. And once you've fit together, nothing can pull you apart unless you let go.

Have you ever felt that someone came into your life for a reason? That someone was sent to you to teach you something... You lived your life as if you didn't need anyone and you're all content with what's going on with you. Then, someone will come knocking unexpectedly. This person is someone who fills the part where you're lacking. Somehow, you feel so comfortable with them that everything seems wonderful. You miss noticing the bad things around. All you can see is the world's beauty. You start seeing life differently now. Only because of this one person. You are forever changed because someone came and you don't want to lose them forever.

"In my world I walk to a different drum. You came along and joined me in my journey. I am now in harmony and at peace in the world of love."

"My world is a little nicer because I share it with you."



Saturday, December 23, 2006

It's just like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constricting, then it becomes a part of you.


"Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one."

Can you commit? Getting into a relationship is not a joke. It entails responsibility and commitment. It entails a lot more than we can imagine. So decide wisely.

...But how can we tell if we are already facing a loving relationship?

The above statement is posted on My Lot as a comment on a rather fragile topic. I am never liberal when it comes to things that involve relationships, love, life and many others. But I do keep an open mind about certain matters. And I even defy my own rules. I have given some things a thought, maybe. Not that I am trying to provide reasons for things, of course. Some things are worth the try.

The topic was about living in with someone before marriage. I don't believe in living in with someone. I won't even go for it. But I would be too self-righteous to say, I won't ever do it. Who knows? Yes, I have a very strong hold on my conviction but I can't still be too certain. Just why are people resolving to it (live in)? Because it's practical. Unlike the old household problems where the wives put up with their domineering husbands... having the "live in" option gives them all the right to just leave the bastards. The battered wives won't have to bear all the physical and emotional tortures anymore only because they try to cling to their vows or because they want their families in tact. Same case with the husbands. With living in, men can just opt out. Say, they find something wrong with their women or they suddenly realised that they can't put up with naggers or something. Who wouldn't choose that option where you can easily just get away with things, right?

By saying these things, I am not really listing down reasons why live in can be good or acceptable. The bottom line here is people lack the maturity needed to come up with the right decisions. They cannot commit. I mean, yes, it is so easy to fall in love with anyone who almost has the qualities one can ever look for in a partner. But then again, it takes a lifetime to really get to know someone. In truth, we haven't seen yet. The friend you have spent 10 years with may still be a stranger. There's still a lot of things you don't know about him. My point is, discovering bad things about your partner should not be a reason to want to leave him/her. Falling in love with someone (moreso, marrying someone) entails many things like acceptance, patience and understanding. When you commit to someone like what the statement above says, you have to forget about the word "quit". It must never come out of your mouth. Commitment plays a very vital role in any relationship and I believe no relationship could ever remain strong without it. Link

Friday, December 22, 2006

Who? Me?







What's deep inside of you?




You are kind and sweet. You never give anyone a reason to dislike you and you have a healthy relationship with your lovers, friends and family. You hate to see anyone hurting and will help them at any cost, but you also know how to respect and take care of yourself.
Take this quiz!








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Sunday, December 17, 2006

Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong "woman". But, at the same time hoping that "he" still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you.

- Hitch
When I was having a hunch that my X's seeing someone, I right off asked him about it. Tried everything just to make him confess. You see, I have a very strong intuition. Although he kept denying it, there was something that told me, he was not telling the truth. Yes, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I gave him my trust, no matter how persistent the suspicion's lodging in my head at that time. And I believe it's the toughest, most courageous thing I have ever done in my life. Why? Because I know the truth will come out one day and it will hurt me big deal. Yet, I chose to trust. And I was right. His conscience might have consumed him that he told me the truth. I sensed how awkward he was feeling when he was confessing to me. He still cared til the bitter end. My only sentiment was he didn't talk things out with me -- his issues with my playing basketball, with Dada, with my being passive and many others. I mean, he never gave me chances to show him how much I care. Instead of telling me what he needed/wanted he chose to keep things to himself, which didn't help at all. I could've fought for him. But I didn't. It was my decision not to. You'd know if there's something worth fighting for. At that time I felt there was nothing. They say, you'll never know til you give it a try. How was I so sure? When I made him choose between me and her, he couldn't. He couldn't even tell me if he still love me. The one thing that could've made me hang on. I felt a twinge in my heart. Ouch! I had to let him go. There's nothing that binds us anymore. There's no love anymore. One week had passed. A phone ring. It was him. He wanted me back. This time I was the one unsure of whether I still want him back. Not because I didn't love him anymore, but because I didn't want to get the girl hurt. So, I gave him away. Told him that I thought it's better if I take all the pain since I was already in deep pain. I gave him away.

Somehow, it is important to me that I don't just force myself to someone. That I don't force a person to stay. It should be a voluntary act.

I always give someone away.

Whenever I watch romantic movies, witness couples kiss and make up, listen to a love song, I smile and feel good cause I know that love still works...if not for me at least for others.

- Ally Mcbeal


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Little Black Book


I was ready to try again.
A little bruised. A little humbled. And, hopefully, a little smarter.

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end, we don't.

Perhaps luck exists
somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all.

You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.



Friday, December 15, 2006

Wishing someday I would find true love


Wouldn't be nice to see the morning
with the one you love the most? Wouldn't be nice to say goodnight to the one you hold so close to your heart?
Wouldn't be nice to hold someone so dear near your heart? Wouldn't be nice to hear those words "I love you" from the one that you love?

I love to sit in fields of green looking deeply thru the sky, Watching birds as they flap by hoping someday faith will bring me true love.

I love to see myself one day in the arms of someone who will share his life with me selflessly...
Someday you will find
your way to me . . .

Where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.


The line between right and wrong had blurred.

You can reach all the things that you'd love but can't give to me. You chase all the things you can't have and I am a diamond closed tight in your hand.

I knew it! I never listen to my instinct. What? Is it because I'm that gullible...that people are taking advantage of me? I hate it! Dammit! Why do people deceive so much? You don't want to trust them and then they'd find a way stealing your trust. For what? To just waste it all away. How cruel! Just what is happening? I could just slam my head to the wall til it's smashed into small bloody pieces.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.


One trusted person betrayed my trust. All of it. And I don't know how to trust again.




Thursday, December 14, 2006

I will not apologize for who I am.


Must I?

Sometimes, I want to pity myself for being myself. Not for anything, but because people don't find it easy to understand me. They always give different interpretations for each action I make. There are times that I rather just shut my world off. That way, nobody sees me, nobody questions me. I think it's better that way. I have to be sorry for myself that I can't allow the world to really get to know me. Because people in it almost always accuse me of having ulterior motive that at times I even start to doubt myself. Why can't they just take me as I am?


So much for a sad start. Still I am blessed for having people who believes in me. Just a few, though, but enough to keep me hanging. I just hope that people won't be too judgmental. None of us know any better.
This is me. Live with it... take it, love it. hehe *shrugs*


"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular."
- Mean Girls

Monday, December 11, 2006

I myself am strange and unusual.

“I love you” is very easy to say. Indeed! And anyone can just tell you that without truly meaning it. It's so easy to trust. Everything seems easy but when you're already hurt, it's never so easy. What do I know?

I am the type of girl who is terrified to lay her heart out in the open. Terrified of a lot of things, actually. I hardly allow anyone get close enough to hurt me. Nah-uh! *shrugs* When the topic of relationship and loving comes in, I back off almost immediately. I am afraid of pain. Why does it sound like there's so much pain out there? There's so much pain in loving. Because, truth of the matter is, pain is almost the foster sister of love. And no matter how I re-read my favorite Bible verse about love... it only proves how much scared I am and will be. It's not working. It's like I am in a battle. I know I only have myself to protect me. So I shield myself from danger. It is so easy to trust but I can't just give it like that.

And for goodness sakes! As if! Come on people. Are you really thinking I can still get affected with all your worthless babblings?! I've had worst than that. Lemme tell you, nothing can hurt me as much anymore. All has been said about me already. And countless times I had proven everyone wrong. Want sommore?!

Friday, December 8, 2006

So you love me... you just don't want me?




...the more I love the more that I'm afraid that in your eyes I may not see forever.

Be careful to whom you give your heart because when you give your heart to someone, you're not only giving that person the right to love you, but the power to hurt you too.



Thursday, December 7, 2006

What Oprah says about MEN

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck, NO. You can't be friends. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.Don't stay because you think "it will get better". You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are no better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.


Avoid men who've got bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?


Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maitain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.


You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.


Don't ever make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.


You need time to heal between relationships, there is nothing cute about baggae. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary not supplementary.


Dating is fun even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him--he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.



Monday, December 4, 2006

Words just make it worse, they're misunderstood.

"I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made, what in the world is better because of me?"

I felt bad that there's this person accusing me of making another person's life (hers) miserable. Like, duh?! Am I that powerful to cause someone such misery? Ridiculous! It's been days since this incident happened. Someone posed as another person and threatened me. Told me things that I consider the silliest ever told to me. I could roll in laughter (Not to mention the very poor grammar). At least, now I can really roll in laughter because during that time when we were exchanging messages, I was raised hell. Seriously. My hands were shaking in anger, I hardly could type. Maybe, I shouldn't have responded. I could've just ignored her. I tried to send her warnings. "Stop it, I know you". She wouldn't stop. I don't know, but I couldn't just let her get away with it. Something, someone has to halt her. There's something that told me, you better not let her get away with her irrationality. But it was all pointless. She wouldn't listen to reasons. She knows only her own. Like, come on! She doesn't know better. Damn, how I wish she'll realise that, for goodness sakes! Oh, well. You can't really please everyone.

I believe she has superiority complex. Poor her. Well, if it's what's making her happy...

(The adjectives in BOLD directly describes her)

Superiority Complex refers to a subconscious neurotic mechanism of compensation developed by the individual as a result of feelings of inferiority. The term was coined by Alfred Adler (February 7, 1870 – May 28, 1937), as part of his School of Individual Psychology.

Those exhibiting the superiority complex commonly project their feelings onto others they perceive as inferior to themselves. Accusations of arrogance and cockiness are often made by others when referring to the individual exhibiting the superiority complex.

Behaviors related to this mechanism may include an exaggeratedly positive opinion of one’s worth and abilities, unrealistically high expectations in goals and achievements for oneself and others, vanity, extravagant style in dressing (with intention of drawing attention), pride, sentimentalism and affected exaltation, snobbism, a tendency to discredit other’s opinions, forcefulness aimed at dominating those considered as weaker or less important, credulity, and others.

Social aloofness, daydreaming, isolation could also be associated to the Superiority Complex, as a way to evade the fear of failure related to the feelings of inadequacy to face real world.

- Wikipedia


Sunday, December 3, 2006

Love has places to go and people to hurt.


Standing in our silence
I hear my heart beating
And if only I could choose
I'd stay here with you
But hold me til the train is leaving
Somewhere down the line
After you're gone from sight
Our love will be the same
And, whispering your name,
Ill cling to you with all my might

Let me dream of you
But its true
And wake me up when this is over
Love will be there when this is over and

Somewhere far beyond today
I will find a way to find you
And somehow thru the lonely nights
I will leave a light in the dark
Let it lead you to my heart

There's a love inside us
Deep down inside
That goes without saying
Dont say a word
But I'll tell you just the same
And that love will fan the flame
And that flame will warm the heart thats waiting

You are mine and I'll wait for you my love
You are mine it may take some time
Even if it takes a lifetime
Tell me you'll wait

And somewhere alone
I will be praying you home
I know that somehow our love

Our love will lead me to your arms

✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐

A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...

✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐✎✐