“I feel too much. That's what's going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways? My insides don't match up with my outsides. Do anyone's insides and outsides match up? I don't know. I'm only me. Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside. But it's worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.”
― Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
I used to think that everything in the world fell into categories: Black or white; right or left; up or down; front or back. Just either of any two. Eventually, as I gained experience in living I came to understand that some things fall into wrong and some things fall into right, yes. Others are placed under black category and some others under white category. YET, so many things in this world aren't really EITHER. Most things aren't black, aren't white, aren't wrong, aren't right...but are simply DIFFERENT. And, there is NOTHING wrong with DIFFERENT. In fact, we just gotta let things be different. We ought to allow people to be different. We need not try or force to make them black or white. We just have to let them be whatever color they really are. And if you truly LOVE someone, you don't try to make them who you wish or want them to be. Defining them is like a whirlpool that sucks them in and drowns them. I realized that we gotta stop telling people who to be and how to live by placing expectations on them and then base our own happiness on whether or not they follow through. And then, feel bad if they don't. We have our own portraits. Each one of us chooses our own canvas. Let's allow each other to choose which canvas we want. RESPECT is the word. Because we, each one of us, are created uniquely for a purpose.
It's funny how people try to convince themselves that they love unconditionally. Yeah, there could be some "unconditional" there but it's really never FREE. They don't really give the ones they love freedom. At the back of their minds, they always want something in return. Or, they always DESERVE something in return because they did this and that. The best example is, they want you to be happy, which makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy if you're not. You're supposed to be who they think you ought to be and feel how you ought to feel ONLY because they LOVE YOU and when you can't give them that, they start feeling bad. So, you also feel bad. That's such an unnecessary responsibility and baggage! If only we can just let people be them, we don't have to live with so much disappointments.
Funnier thing is, often, we get to have ideas in mind about another person (it's always another person NOT US) but never thought the same about ourselves. Like thinking that there are people seeing only either black or white. We tell ourselves that certain people just see things black or white and not realizing that there's also grey. Yet, the way we impose on them what we think IS or IS NOT...isn't that trying to drag them into which color you're in, which is either black or white?! Clinging to a mindset or a belief -- "this is how things should be"-- isn't it either any of the categories I mentioned earlier? I mean, there's like billions of people in the world with different personalities and perspective. We can't be enforcing to them what our perspective is about love, friendship, or whatever only because we want them to see from our viewpoint. We gotta allow them to think for themselves and if one day, they start seeing from our viewpoint, then, much better. If it never happens, then, RESPECT should be given them still. And so, it's just but fair to not make them feel bad about sticking to a point of view they've always had... or a personality which has always been them. As one of my fave authors puts it...
It's funny how people try to convince themselves that they love unconditionally. Yeah, there could be some "unconditional" there but it's really never FREE. They don't really give the ones they love freedom. At the back of their minds, they always want something in return. Or, they always DESERVE something in return because they did this and that. The best example is, they want you to be happy, which makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won't be happy if you're not. You're supposed to be who they think you ought to be and feel how you ought to feel ONLY because they LOVE YOU and when you can't give them that, they start feeling bad. So, you also feel bad. That's such an unnecessary responsibility and baggage! If only we can just let people be them, we don't have to live with so much disappointments.
Funnier thing is, often, we get to have ideas in mind about another person (it's always another person NOT US) but never thought the same about ourselves. Like thinking that there are people seeing only either black or white. We tell ourselves that certain people just see things black or white and not realizing that there's also grey. Yet, the way we impose on them what we think IS or IS NOT...isn't that trying to drag them into which color you're in, which is either black or white?! Clinging to a mindset or a belief -- "this is how things should be"-- isn't it either any of the categories I mentioned earlier? I mean, there's like billions of people in the world with different personalities and perspective. We can't be enforcing to them what our perspective is about love, friendship, or whatever only because we want them to see from our viewpoint. We gotta allow them to think for themselves and if one day, they start seeing from our viewpoint, then, much better. If it never happens, then, RESPECT should be given them still. And so, it's just but fair to not make them feel bad about sticking to a point of view they've always had... or a personality which has always been them. As one of my fave authors puts it...
“It is when we think we can act like God, that all respect is lost, and I think this is the downfall of peace. We lie if we say we do not see color and culture and difference. We fool ourselves and cheat ourselves when we say that all of us are the same. We should not want to be the same as others and we should not want others to be the same as us. Rather, we ought to glory and shine in all of our differences, flaunting them fabulously for all to see! It is never a conformity that we need! We need not to conform! What we need is to burst out into all these beautiful colors!” ― C. JoyBell C
No, we can't and should never insinuate "conformity" by making people feel bad about the kind of person they are or the kind of decision they make by treating them a certain way to make it obvious that we're upset. Maturity is evident when you can just live around all sorts of people without getting too affected by who they are, what they can and can't perform, and how they live their life. It's like walking through an unfamiliar place and as you see things you just say, "oh, that's an Oak tree. It looks sturdier than the rest of the other trees I've seen so far." or..."that's a scorpion. It stings, so I gotta be careful in dealing with it." We can't be hating a scorpion only because its nature is what it is. We can make adjustments and not show any resentment for what it is not. And even if it stings us, it is foolish to get upset or angry because we know that it really does, just given the chance. So, we just let it pass and learn how to deal with it better next time. PERSPECTIVE. (Indeed, looking at the same rose bush, some people complain that the roses have thorns while others rejoice that some thorns come with roses.)
Similarly, people have their own nature. That's why there are heartless criminals, there are psychopaths, there are maudlins...and there are enthusiastic ones, faithful, trusting and forgiving... Yet, we can't place them in a box. We can't just define them for there are things inside of them that we do not see. And we'll never be able to see them once we start defining them.
I think it's the same with friendship and love. So many writers, poets, authors, intelligent people...tried to define what these words mean. And, too many people who haven't really experienced enough in life just grab a definition which fits their belief. But, what really is friendship? What really is love? For all I know, the Bible talks about God is love and love is God. This is the most accurate definition and description I consider. Why? Because in Matthew 26, Jesus calls Judas Iscariot “friend.” Yes, the one who betrayed Him, which led Him to be spitted on, tortured and finally crucified on the cross of Calvary. And this event happened right after the betrayal. He knew he was going to betray Him, but He still considered him FRIEND. While the world defines friendship and love in many ways, God defined it radically. It's love that makes friendship. And in this picture, Jesus' love for Judas was without expectation nor condition. It's just is. Judas need not prove anything to Jesus. He did not even have to be a friend to Him.
Must we judge that Judas had not been a friend to Jesus? I'd say NO. We have no right to judge anyone's motives because we simply DON'T KNOW. We can just guess based on the act. But, then, let's not forget that he committed suicide after returning the silver coins. Is't just out of guilt? Even so. Because you wouldn't really feel guilty, anyway, if you don't really care about the person. Why, I know of people who are filled with so much rage that all they think about is to avenge themselves and after doing so, don't feel any guilt! I mean, judging based on action isn't absolutely fair because there's a lot in every person that need to be considered. That's why the Bible tells us, "do not judge." Our judgments may be right based on facts and observations but there are still things left unseen by our naked eyes.
What am practically emphasizing here, I guess, is how radically God defined love and even friendship. And, everyday, He defines love and friendship over and over by the grace He showers all us. By giving us things we don't even deserve at all. He has foreknowledge of what mistakes, sins, disobedience, unfaithfulness, etc., we're gonna do next. Yet, HE calls us friends and HE loves us, anyway.
By saying this, I am not making a suggestion that we all must love radically. God respects our differences and so I am choosing to respect differences, as well. How I wish I have His strength to forgive anyone who does me wrong even before the act is committed, so I can love and maintain friendship without reservations. I wish! But, true enough, His grace is sufficient. I can't but I am able to because He lavishes me with love (and friendship) that I don't even deserve. Everyday, I fail. I fall short of His glory. But, well, I am still alive and breathing and moving...these things we won't even allow anyone if we were gods because we base things on whether a person deserves things or not. We're into this reward & punishment-system too much that we think anybody who doesn't reach our standard shouldn't belong. The you're-not-a-real-friend-because-you-aren't-this-and-that..." kinda mentality. The world's mentality. More and more I am understanding why the Bible says, "do not anymore conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed inwardly by the renewing of your mind." Because it's nothing but self-seeking. It's after self-interest. If God thought the same way the world thinks, we're NO MORE.
My thoughts are rather, unconventional, yes...though, I may not love in a radical way, yet. But, I'm a work-in-progress. Guess, I just need to get this off my chest for now because it's causing my heart to burst already!!! Expectations are everywhere and pressure builds up inside. I just wish people will be considerate in thinking that other people are going through tough times, too...just like they are, so at least, they'd stop questioning, "why are they like this and that...?" "Why can't they and I can...?" I was once this kind of person, actually. Always critical of people because I base things on what I can do and what I am doing. I realized, a fact ― we are all different. And our differences are what give color, excitement and beauty to life. How boring would life be if everything is the same. Makes me remember the movie, "Pleasantville".
Toodle-oo for now, peeps! Hopeful that I'd be able to consistently blog again.
“It is only when you accept how different you all are, that you will be able to see how much the same you all are. Don't expect anybody to be the same as you, then you will see that you are in many ways the same as everybody.”
― C. JoyBell C
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