Sometimes I wonder what things I am free to do. Y'know, things that normally people do whenever they wish. Like be wherever they want to, leave the house anytime of the day and have fun, eat out alone or with friends, pick any food anywhere when hungry, be with the crowd without fear of getting harrassed... the ordinary things. Every now and then, I dream to experience the common. Be just like everybody else. And even for a short moment, forget about who I am and my fears & the dangers out there.
"What does the world expect from you?" -- a pretty tough question for me. Honestly, I have no idea. Who knows? What is "the world", in the first place? Is it just one or two or three important persons in my life? Is it composed of only my family, relatives and friends? Is it all the people within the community I belong to? Is there a general collective expectation the Earth expects from me? Who are expecting something from me, by the way?
I believe I have some sort of responsibilities to people who I know. All them have some expectations. Do I have to act on each of their expectations? Does a man live to meet these expectations and call himself a failure for each unmet ones? Is it one's fault if he don't meet a certain expectation and cause another person to stumble?
Maybe it's just my deep thoughts why I came up with these questions. Cause it's only when you already know your life's purpose that you start asking countless questions. Or, could it be just me trying to find fault in myself in stead of just accepting the fact that people choose to fail? That people choose to be who they rather be?
Last night, there was this urge within me to stay up. Something was dragging me out of the house. An unexplained urge to be outside my small world. I didn't want to sleep just yet and I wasn't at all dozy nor exhausted. My head was a bit aching after the fellowship and long mall walk, but, my body refused to rest. Just after I finished writing my yesterday's journal, an opportunity to answer the urge came. Thought 'twas a good reason for me to get out of the house to take a few minutes walk.
Totsie was to pick up Jam (his girlfriend) from her night job in a fast food resto just 15 mins away from my place. That was minutes past midnight. I decided to go with him together with two other friends. We didn't walk to this fast food chain where Jam might already be waiting as planned. Instead, we took a jeep. When we reached our destination, Jam's shift was still not over. We had to wait but we decided to just stay outside since all of us were still full and we all didn't want to be tempted to have some bites. Didn't think it'll take long.
We were just walking around the first few mins while we wait. Looking around if there's anything nice to see or buy. Then, we ended up just standing in front of the fast food resto for longer time. More minutes passed.... a lil later, as we stood beside the glass door, a group of men stepped out of the ffr. One of them (wearing a black undershirt) stared at me as they walked passed all 4 of us. I gave him a short glance then looked away. Shortly, I noticed he was still nearby. Giving quick glances at me while talking to his companions & at times to someone over his phone. I knew he was interested in me, but I didn't mind. These things are nothing new. And for that night alone, there had been so many short and long glimpses directed at me for me to even give a fuss.
After a couple of minutes, I noticed his presence again. Longer distance than earlier, though. Then, they walked away once more. A few minutes later, he's back again but this time, with more companions... outnumbering us. They all went inside the ffr pretending they're making another purchase... they kept doing this... appearing and reappearing but changing the routine each time...until eventually, as if trying to surround us each successive instance. Each time he reappeared, there were more men with him. I was keeping my mind away from the sitch. Didn't want to be scared and ruin my night. Until, one o'them stood next to one of my friends to my right. At that time, I was not yet worried. Trying to dismiss the idea that he (the guy in black u-shirt) would go any far only because he's interested in me.
My friend was holding on to the pepper spray inside his pocket. Prepared for what might transpire. I was still calm... not understanding what was happening. Shortly, I figured this guy who stood beside my friend had a sharp weapon with him w/c he readied. GOD is so good, though, HE did something about the situation. An acquaintance of Totsie came who happened to be a friend of the gang. He tried stopping them from what they planned to do and insisted they all go home. They did.
Once they were gone, the ffr guard talked to us and invited us inside and told us the group was ganging up on us. So, what we were all thinking were correct. We all tried to be quiet of what we thought about the entire thing avoiding panic among us. Turned out we were all thinking the same.
We decided to wait for Jam inside. At that point, I was already upset and scared. I couldn't believe we were a split second away from trouble. All those times, I tried real hard to not burst into tears.
I thought it was over. After Totsie ordered cups of ice cream and some fries, they were back again. The number multiplied. About 10 or more. We were like dead meat surrounded by hungry tigers. Trapped inside without escape. The manager of the ffr was kind enough to offer help. She was, in fact, the one who ordered the guard to let us in. She personally spoke to us she's gonna have someone call authorities for us to file complaints and to make sure we can go home safely. She did. And I sincerely thank her from my heart for the help she offered. Just I wasn't able to get her name.
A few minutes later, the guard came back to us and told us the policemen were already waiting outside. We were scared to leave the place but, he said policemen are not allowed inside. I understood why. So, one of my friends stood up and headed to attend to the policemen. That moment, I already broke into tears. They had to keep reassuring me he'll be fine.
Not long after, we were all asked to come out. We were let inside the police mobile, which was parked just some steps away. A few minutes talk, then we were escorted home. 'Twas such a relief we reached home in one piece.
I was scared. And all that happened to me in the past were relived. How most of my male friends and some admirers were harmed because of me... the stalkings... the freak exhibitionists... some of the many reasons why I shut my doors to the world. Why I view the world as an unsafe place to live in.
Now, I can only be thankful no one was harmed. Although, it's still really not over, I'd rather think it is. Jam and Totsie are still frequenting that place. Jam's still working in the same branch. Who knows they won't be back to get information about me? How I wish they never knew Totsie, Jam and I know each other, so there won't be any reason for them to go back there. But, I'd still hope that it's all just for that night. That they woke up today not remembering anything from last night.
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