Tuesday, July 29, 2008

You're like some kind of antidote - mixes with the liquor and keeps me in balance.


I don't mind walking long miles for as long as I'm walking with you. I may be scared but my fears are flushed away by this faith I have in you. You are the courage that gets me to the end of an ancient old foot bridge. It's frightening to get to the other end, but with you it's nothing but an easy feat.


.................................................


Crushie was at the fellowship last Sunday. How wonderful I saw his back. ONLY his back. *sticks out tongue*















Friday, July 25, 2008

Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time.


Twas Dad's birthday last 23rd. That was 2 days ago now. No bash...just some pitch ins from me and my siblings. Didn't visit him. Just sent pizza and that's it. Not that I didn't want to. There's a reason why.

A couple of days before his day, I bought this nice card. I carefully chose it with a message that I truly meant to tell him. Dunno about you, guys, but always, I'd take time to choose greeting cards that have the message I sincerely want to tell the persons I give them to. What I gave dad has the words I longed to tell him. Finally, this time I was able to tell him.

With the card is a 2-page letter with other things I had to add -- my wishes for him and all the things I sincerely want him to know about how I feel about him. Even until now I still keep this hope that he will take my words seriously. Especially my request for him to start enjoying his life.

Am not sure but I believe I understand him better now. He has a different view of the world. Dad is very logical about things. He is very self-critical like myself. And I guess he is critical in judging people, too. This kinda repels him from mingling with others. Not to justify his ways but... who can blame him? The way I see it, so many people and events in his life made him cynical. He is very intuitive like myself and, perhaps, many proved his intuitions to be true. This could be the reason why he doesn't associate with others so much... to avoid more disappointments. I only wish I am not such a big disappointment for him.

I dunno how he took my letter. I love him and the bitterness that used to live inside me is continuously fading. And I am loving him more as I inch by inch understand him better.

Happy Birthday to Dad.

Dad thinks I am a good writer. *smiles* This is already a compliment I can consider. Especially coming from him.















Friday, July 11, 2008

Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed.


June 9, my agenda was to finally pay Ron a visit in the hospital. That afternoon, though, I received a mobile call from G telling me that Ron already had turned up his toes. I couldn't say anything else but, "seriously?!!" (with glaring eyes) ...but why would someone lie about something as serious as that?

Am still recalling the disbelief from the sound of my voice after G said the exact time -- 9:05am. Didn't even hear it clear enough so, I think I sent the wrong info to some (9:02am). It's indescribable how I felt at that moment. But sure it's dominantly unbelief...trying to keep the hope that I just might heard it wrong OR G might just have gotten the wrong info.

But, yes, Ron is already at rest.

The one thing that sooo disquiets me now is I didn't have the chance to visit him when he was still fighting for his life. Well, as if it's gonna help. I dunno whether it could be anything helpful or not. I just thought that giving him this idea that he is loved and many people care, could've brought him more strength. Thing is, I was not aware at all that his condition was that bad. He was admitted to the same hospital some years ago and I was able to visit him back then.

I was informed only after a month he's been in hospital. I was not even aware he's been there since June 4. That he's been in need of blood donors and been in and out of ICU.

Am no savior so, my presence might not be anything important. But, of course, as a friend wish I was there.

I remember what message he used to send me. Think he sent it more than a couple of times. Something with, "I live to suffer...". I hate that I didn't even bother asking him about this message, though I find it strange. Should've asked "why". Should've lent him an ear.

...his battle is over now. I rather want this for him than let him keep bearing the torturous pain. So, enough of my selfish rants. I wasn't able to visit ...I wasn't there to listen to whatever he might longed to share... and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Enough of the "should'ves". This is what's best for Ron.

Here's a song for you, Ron...


Oh we never know where life will take us
I know it's just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It's okay now
Goodbye my friend

I've seen a lot things that make me crazy
And I guess I held on to you
We could've run away and left well maybe
But it wasn't time and we both knew

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the love you gave me through all the years
Will take away these tears
I'm okay now
Goodbye my friend

Life's so fragile and love's so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we never know why

But I'm okay now
Goodbye my friend
You can go now
Goodbye my friend

















Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I spend so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem that I forget what the problem actually was.


Yes, 'crushie' was there. *big smile* He didn't lead the music team, though. Think he attended the earlier fellowship. *sigh* But, well, I saw him...that is already enough.

Was very annoyed that same time. Maybe expecting from people is already too much (should I say 'it's nothing but vanity'?) and I have to put an end to it. Just of course, at times, am becoming so drained of initiating things all the time. Should everything has to be my sole responsibility? Dunno but I find it so wearing to keep everything to myself. But, whenever I lash out, it makes me feel sooo like a nagger. And it doesn't make me feel good about myself. Either way I end up being so irked. I don't like how it makes me feel. Whether I henpeck or put a cold war, none make me feel any better.

...and so I am working hard on controlling my attitude towards things that are annoying. It's an uphill crack, but, with GOD's help, am sure I can get through it.

Dwelling in negative emotions won't help, so I better move on and think of what might can improve the sitches I complain about. Hafta keep trying to show a smile no matter what and it could probably lift up my mood.

On a different note....

A friend, Ron J. is very sick. He's been in the ICU section of Makati Medical Center for some time now. Not sure for how long but he badly needs blood donors. Thanks to George for keeping me updated with what's happening to our friend. Oh, here...just checked G's email and found out that Ron's been confined since 4th of June.

Here's part of G's email:

He is still bedridden with respirator and about 10 tubes and needles stuck in different parts of his body. Several machines are attached to administer blood, monitor heart and pulse rates, and feed him properly.

Priority requirement is still blood. Type O Positive if possible. But any type will do since Blood Bank will just swap for Type O.

Ron J. is suffering from acute necrotizing pancreatitis and hemocratic pancreatitis, the worst forms of acute pancreatitis.

Every day is critical now. Doctors did not give Ron J this long and describe his continuous survival as a "miracle."

Ron J is in constant pain and has extreme difficulty breathing. Every breath is a struggle. He has about 10 tubes and needles stuck throughout his body to sustain him. It is like he is on life support. He is breathing through a respirator. He can only communicate with his eyes. Sometimes if he is strong enough he will write down his replies.

But he is still fighting on and both he and his dad are grateful for all the visitors and small gestures of support.

I don't have so many readers anymore but I am requesting that the little number who remains faithful reading my posts will help pray for our friend. He needs as many prayers as possible. This is just a portion of our time he needs, which might help ameliorate his condition. Please pray for Ron J.















Sunday, July 6, 2008

The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide...


...so, I will strive to appreciate myself from this day on. My mind will always be tired, that's given. But, I will always try not to criticize myself unnecessarily.

Yey, it's Sunday! Wishing to see "crushie" later.



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lonely crushie



Kinda feeling something weird but can't tell what. *scowling* Butterfly in my stomach... somewhat making me feel so agitated. Hope this is nothing about my intuition. *biting fingers* I just want to be happy, that's all. Can I have peace of mind even for a day?

guess I will just reiterate these Bible verses in my head...

Lamentations 3:19-30

Just thinking of my troubles and my lonely wandering makes me miserable. That's all I ever think about, and I am depressed. Then I remember something that fills me with hope. The LORD's kindness never fails! If he had not been merciful, we would have been destroyed. The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy each morning. Deep in my heart I say, "The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!" The LORD is kind to everyone who trusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for the LORD to save us. When we are young, it is good to struggle hard and to sit silently alone, if this is what the LORD intends. Being rubbed in the dirt can teach us a lesson; we can also learn from insults and hard knocks.

Philippians 4:6

Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.

Happy Sunday, all! Toodle-oo!














Friday, July 4, 2008

*sniff…deep breath* You cannot count on anyone except yourself.



...and the week is just about to end again. Didn't even notice how days have gone by so fast. Twas just Monday yesterday it seemed to me and now it's already Friday. Whoa! And it's "someone's" birthday today. Happy Birthday (I shall call him Dino-saur).

Tomorrow, another day and then... it's Sunday again! Will I see 'crushie' again? He was at the fellowship last Sunday and led the Music Team, in fact. *chuckles*

Been real busy lately. Problems come incessantly. Hope everything will be resolved before long. Happy weekend, all.









Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.



We often get to be too occupied with so many things that we fail to notice other important things around. I am not an exemption to this. Have become a recluse over again, which made me somewhat oblivious to the present happenings outside my world. I do take time to update myself, yes, by watching the news and learning of what has taken place to "MV Princess of the Stars" after it capsized last June 22nd and how typhoon "Fengshen" (local code name Frank) devastated the country and all other countries it wreaked. So many things happen in a day.

These things I mentioned are big news. But there are silent news that only very few people know of. Like I received a mobile message from a former colleague telling me about another former colleague who was sent to Makati Medical Center and has to undergo operation. This was a few days back. Am sad that I can't find time to pay him a visit and check his condition. How many people know of this? The pain that he himself is experiencing and the pains of his loved ones.

Also recently, I found out that a former client's father had a heart attack and had to have open heart surgery (triple bypass)... these two add to the list of people I include in my prayers and prayer requests...

My cousin is suffering from bone marrow cancer. A friend is enduring a condition called Syringomyelia. A friend's colleague had to be sent to hospital after he suffered from extreme stomach pain. Same friend's colleague's husband also had a heart attack and still in hospital... and now, a very close friend...I found to be sick with Emphysema.

How many more people are suffering from some conditions? I have been consistently sick myself and yes, it's tough. I am sorry for myself that I have to withstand pains time and again. It's natural to focus on oneself. But, beyond ourselves, there are a lot more other individuals suffering from certain illnesses we are unaware of.

Aside from the BIGGER issues concerning the entire nation, there are smaller issues that need even small attention, as well. List of people who are sick and needing our prayers. Can we take a lil of our time to pray for them or are we going to continue being unmindful of what they have to go through thinking we have so many more important things to be concerned about?

Please help pray with me for all the people who need healing.











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A Love with a promise of permanence.

"...if any hear MY voice and open the door,  I will come into their house and eat with them,  and they will eat with ME." ...

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